I had my first therapy session today…

I realized that there is more of him in me than I realized.

I had to live with him and couldn’t stand it so how have I stood myself for this long with him gone?

He is still here but now he lives in my mind.

I didn’t understand until today.

Damn! I have to make him leave AGAIN!

Like it wasn’t hard enough the first time.

I don’t know what to say…

Key Lime pie in gelato.

Fucking heaven.

I knew I shouldn’t have picked up the phone…

But she’s an old friend. Before the falling out we had been friends for 18 years.

For a year I thought that I had said something so fowl to her that she didn’t want to talk to me any more.

My mistake. She called me over the holidays last year and I didn’t answer. She told me she was offended because I didn’t answer her calls.

I called her a couple of weeks later and left messages. She never called me back. I called sporadically over the last year. No call back.

I never had any conclusion to my sadness for a friendship that I thought was lost.

Guess what? That sadness ended when learning that me not picking up the phone offended her. That disgusted me.

Also, she just broke up with her boy friend of a year and a half.

She has run out of people to call that actually want to listen…again and again and again.

Hell, I’ve been there. I’ve done it so many times and I know that some times you need some one to listen.

The one thing I can’t get over is after 18 years she stopped communication because she that I was ignoring her.

I’ve wondered for a year about her…hoping she was doing good that nothing bad happened.

Waste of time.

She just thought I was ignoring her.

Lovely.

best second of my day...

I hate the fucking sun but there is something so amazing about it.

That fucker doesn't need an alarm clock.

You have to admire that.

Okay…enough about all that bullshit for now…

Been thinking about it 24/7 for a week…after over a decade it gets old quick.

I found this picture the other night and since old Hallows Eve is upon us I thought I’d post it.

The funny thing about the picture is that…heh…Mac takes pictures backwards.

So the girl on the left eh, no right, is wearing a dress made out of a shower curtain, right down to her boots. Me, hell my mom’s old jeans…bleached and her buffalo sandals from the 70’s. The blonde, in gold borrowed that outfit from her mom.

We were able to take our outfits off that night…the car however, was not so lucky.

We painted all over it with acrylic paint. Doesn’t come off so easy with a dead paint job.

That car really took the drive of shame that morning…so did the driver…thank goodness the driver wasn’t me.

So…

Here I am still…I’ve always made jokes about my Decade of Darkness…yeah…it wasn’t a joke.

I understand that now.

I went to my first group meeting for domestic violence.

That shit is no joke.

I thought for all these years I was the “Drama Queen” who just blew things out of proportion…not so much.

I thought that what he did to me would pale in comparison to others…not so much.

I didn’t know that pet abuse was one of the first signs of abuse, that would be “coming soon to a theater” near me.

One girl that spoke said that her husband bit her in the face. I had to bow my head…Vance did that to me…no make-up could cover it up…that memory had long been buried until that second.

One of the consensus was every woman’s mind was scattered more often than not. We don’t function the way most people do...yet.

Every cruel thing he said for minutes…hours…days…nights upon end will never leave my mind. I was told that point blank.

I thought people understood what I was going though…they didn’t.

Neither did the girl sitting next to me when her husband cocked a gun to her head and said “if you ever leave me again, I will kill you.”

Vance, never had a gun but the “I will kill you” should have been a welcome mat on our front front pourch.

Everyone said leave.
Everyone said it’s the past let it go.

Guess what folks, sometimes the past grabs you from the inside and won’t let go.

I want to say I’m sorry for always talking about him but you know what…this is why this blog was born and I’m so fucking tired of saying “I’m sorry” I did it for years.

I can’t find and end to this post…

Sorry...

I have hit rock bottom.

I thought that was just for drunks.

I fell apart at work this morning.

Surprised? I’m not.

I know that every one is sick to DEATH of hearing about this but I don’t care.

I don’t even care if I lose my job.

I tried all weekend to find a meeting for abused women.

I got voicemail.

Funny thing is NO ONE called me back.

Hey…it’s cool…not enough funding…not enough volunteers…

But if I would have had enough xanax or a hand gun, I would not have seen today.

I know every one has heard this before and they are sick and fucking tired of it.

Bummer. I’ve sat on the phone for hours for people and it doesn’t bother me a bit because they are my friends…

That’s what friends are for.

I hold things precious in my world…others however, do not.

I found a place to go tomorrow night, a group session. It’s the first step.

No one understands…he tourtured me and I am not being a drama queen even though years of him screaming that at me made me believe that.

There should never be a machete in a relationship. That memory has been a 24 hour movie for the last four days.

Yeah…once people know you have been abused, they know they can do it to you.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel now though.

I don’t ever want any one…male or female to go through this.

I don’t ever want any person to get voicemail when they need help.

It’s not fair.

I hope to be on the other end of that help line one day.

If I can just help ONE person…just one…I can die in peace.

I’m lighting up like a goddamn Christmas tree…

The reason I started this blog was because of him.

I’m trying to seek help now…heh.

Now I know why women go insane.

It’s not easy. Especially when you’re poor.

Trying to find help is actually p.o.i.n.t.l.e.s.s.

I’ve been trying for some time…behind people’s backs…ahhh didn’t want to admit I was weak.

Now I’m starting to crumble.

He did a lot of damage.

More than I care to remember, unfortunately that’s all I can remember.

It’s coming in floods and it’s getting hard for me to function.

But people think I’m strong

Not so much any more.

I’m dying.

And I’m listening to people that

Heh…

Hey…I guess we are who we are.
No one better or no one less.

I just wish life was pretty…

Okay…hold on…I have to draw the line with my self.

Life is pretty and it is amazing.

Houston, we have lift off…

That’s me! Wet!

Okay…get your mind out of the gutter. Heh. Sewage…gutter, it fits.

A shower without sewage…it was heaven. No gurgling toilet, even though I waited for it for the first 5 minutes.

The fucking bastard of a slumlord fixed it today.

Wow…guess he was in a good mood.

Bastard.

Luckily, this time...no shoes were killed in the unclogging of this shower.