Thisishowmymorningwent...

Narcissistic...

2012-02-14T14:21:00.000-08:00

I know this word well. Vance taught me he just didn't know it.

A few years ago I met a guy that I really liked. He dumped me for another girl. Heartbroken yet again.

Well I guess that didn't work out for him because she took him for ever thing he was worth.

He always called me and asked if I could come over. Sure. We became friends with benefits. I did really like him unfortunately the world revolved around him.

I should have seen it coming from a mile away, actually twenty feet.

I haven't seen the guy in two years.

IM pops up. "Hey, India where have you been?"

My response "Here."

He talked about the last relationship he had and how he just can't find the right girl.

He said "So do you want to come over?"

No.

"Come on we had good times."

No.

"Get in your car and come and hang out."

No.

"Are you seeing some one?"

Yes.

"Who is he?"

Huh?

"So...you are actually seeing some one?"

Yup

"Cheat on him once for me."

Nope

"Come on, please."

No

"Well you know where I am if you want to come over."

Okay

In my mind i thought...have fun hanging around lonely and waiting for the next girl you can get your dick in to.

And die alone.

Narcissistic personality disorder

2012-02-14T06:38:00.000-08:00

My friend is sick.

2012-02-06T16:44:00.000-08:00

He's been in the hospital for a week.

He's my gentle giant.

I hate it when I can't control a situation.

People are surprised when I'm a fucking bitch...

2012-02-04T22:37:00.000-08:00

I can only carry the nice card for so long then i explode in to a million pieces.

I bear my soul to people so they might understand what I've been through.

People don't listen they just act like they do they also have no problem telling me how weird I am.

Okay. They are fucking perfect, right?

I like being weird.

I took my dogs out for a walk today...

2012-01-29T20:10:00.000-08:00

We hit the front yard and they sniffed for a second and we started walking. I noticed a guy getting out of his car and glaring at me. All the sudden he said "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR DOG? IS SHE HURT!!?

"Uhhh...no."

"Well then what's wrong with her?"

Who the fuck is this guy the fucking dog police?

"She's disabled. She's been this way since birth."

"Huh..."

He walked away. He could have at least said that he was sorry for yelling at me.

Brighter side of the day. I rounded the block and I heard some one call my name. It was Barbara.

I met her the other day walking the girls. She was in her wheelchair the fancy kind like the "getarounds." She stopped and asked me about the girls. We talking for a few minutes and then we went on our way.

Today when I rounded the block and I heard some one call my name. I looked around and she said "Over here." She was on the first floor of her balcony "Do your dogs eat people food? I saw you walking the dogs and I saved some beef jerky for them."

"Barbara! Of course they do."

We stood and talked for fifteen minutes. It's funny how people can spew their guts in that amount of time. We both did and I do not know why. This I can't explain.

All I can say is some one nice made up for some one being nasty.

People don't get it...

2012-01-25T15:38:00.000-08:00

Nor will they ever. You can't live in my skin or know how my brain is spinning.

I think I'd like to be normal...that shit ain't happin any time soon.

The last few months have been bad. It's like his hand is on my shoulder all the fucking time. I wake up fighting and no one.

It took me two weeks to work up the courage to go to the department of mental health. Robert drove me and went in to the session with me.

"So, tell me why your here." she said.

"Domestic violence."

"How long were you in the relationship?"

"Fuck...a decade." I said.

"Did he ever try to kill you?" Heh...that was a fucking funny question that made me want to punch a wall.

Then I heard Robert. "Yes, he's tried several times."

I don't want to remember this fucking shit. Unfortunately my memory has a different agenda.

"Are you suicidal?" She asked.

"Not today."

People keep telling me to get over it...

2012-01-23T16:38:00.000-08:00

I try...I really try.

It ain't that fucking easy.

When I try to suppress emoticons I have horrible nightmares. I wake up in a sweat and throw up.

911 was not an option in my book. That's the nightmare that I woke up to last night.

He was doing speed and had been up for 3 days. No sleep for me. When I would try to sleep, he would wake me up. "Wake up you stupid fucking cunt." He took my purse, my keys and my phone. He saw me eyeballing the bedroom window and said "if you leave I will kill your dogs."

Hence, I didn't leave.

I do not want to remember 3 days in a 10 second dream. It makes me think "What did I do wrong?"

I'm sorry

2012-01-22T20:34:00.000-08:00

that i wake up at night terrified.

There is nothing there.

I hate that I've told people about my past.

2012-01-16T06:26:00.000-08:00

I thought that being honest was good.

What a fucking joke.

I found this today...

2012-01-04T12:01:00.000-08:00

when I was looking for a blank page to draw on.

I worked so hard on this piece for his band's logo. He loved it.

When the band came over they thought it was fabulous.

His bass player told me he couldn't imagine any thing better.

I saw the look on Vance's face.

He looked at me and saw how happy I was that other people liked what I can do.

Then his face changed. Fuck. I stole the spotlight.

After they left he was in my face. "You are a shitty artist...if you can even call yourself a artist. You fucking cunt!"

I take pride in my art and he gave me the inspiration after that night.

I take hate to paper and charcoal.

I have my issues...

2012-01-04T03:00:00.000-08:00

But don't use them against me because you will lose.

My roommate came in to my room the other night at 2:30am and asked if i wanted to hang out. Sure...I guess. Him toting an 18 pack didn't look good. After 15 beers I was nailed to the cross. "Its' always about you, India!" "I don't understand, Robert. Tell me what I'm doing wrong." He wouldn't answer me. I hung my head at took the last hour and didn't say a word. I don't like to fight any more it's useless.

He apologized the next day and it was all good...for about three days.

Three days of me thinking about all the things he said to me and the things Vance said.

I exploded into a million pieces.

He blamed it all on me. "You are the one that makes me this way."

Nope.

I wish I just would have punched a wall.

I hate it when people are cruel...

2012-01-02T03:51:00.000-08:00

to me.

I punch walls because I can't punch him.

2011-12-28T00:38:00.000-08:00

He never goes away.

I thought I saw him on the street today. I even circled the block to make sure. It wasn't him.

It scared the fuck out me.

When I got home I talked to a friend of mine. Her friend is being abused by her husband. He beats her.

People don't understand domestic violence. I do.

It never goes away. I still hear "I'll slit your fucking throat when you are sleeping you fucking cunt." I haven't slept well since that statement.

It takes a second for them to pull you in and then a decade goes by.

It's like quick sand...your drowning and you don't know how to get out.

I always give hints when I'm upset...

2011-12-26T23:54:00.000-08:00

I guess I'm not that good at hints for my roommate.

I'm a nice person...to a point.

I have to accumulate to his new video game friends.

Who hears "Roger that" at 4am? I do. It scares the fuck out of me and the dogs. I wanted to smack him in the face at 4:05.

Hello? I live here too. I don't want to hear about battle missions. I want to fucking sleep.

It's called respect.

I wish I was normal...

2011-12-26T03:45:00.000-08:00

Not an option, I guess. Did I get dropped on my head when I was young?

I knew it was coming I could hear it in the wind...

2011-12-01T21:21:00.000-08:00

My mind thought "This is tornado weather."

Nah...just a little breeze moving at 97mph all night.

My roommate told me it was fine.

Twenty minutes later we heard a boom, boom, boom. The transformers lit up like it was the fourth of July. White, orange, yellow and Oh shit.

That was about the time every thing went black. Power gone.

Do you know how hard it is to find some thing in total blackness? You learn quickly.

My roommate found his phone and the screen of it helped me find my flashlight and candles. Then he said he was going to bed.

"Nothing else to do, I might as well sleep."

EXCUSE ME I'm terrified.

What is the saying? A dog is a man's best friend.

Me, Ripley and Sasha stuck it out all night under the covers.

Then I woke up to the roof in front of my door.

I was a traffic manager...

2011-11-21T13:09:00.000-08:00

That means I'm nice I have to be. I'm in between the boss and the bullshit.

I know the saying "more bees with honey?"

That was a fucking joke this morning.

I was sweet, nice on the phone to the power company and my cell phone company.

Three months ago they both said they made billing mistakes. Okay.

Today, three months later I pissed off all of them.

I got my money back.

I did every thing they told me to do.

Not fair.

It is now after staying on hold for four fucking hours.

I want to punch a wall.

Fat Burger. This was a fight over smart and stupid.

2011-11-11T22:15:00.000-08:00

Am I the smart or the stupid?

1- Location of Fat Burger. I told my roommate the one I knew. He said he found one closer in the heart of Hollywood. Not a good idea at 5:00 on a Friday...but I'll roll with it.

2- He ordered online. He said we could set the time and go pick it up. Okay.

3 - He printed out the directions. I knew in my noggin this is not going to be good.

4- He was bitching about the traffic and trying to go up a hill in my car in 3 gear. Doesn't take a genius to put it in to first. He said it's my car and he's not use to driving a standard. Excise me? He drives it all the time.

5- When we got there I realized where we were. I use to take the bus to the train station down the street. I told him that I knew where we were.

6- We walked in and he asked about the order. It wasn't ready. He was not happy. I said I'm going to walk to the store over there. I came back and he was waiting by the car.

7- We got in the car and when we were pulling out of the parking lot I said "take a left." He said "I can't." Okay.
I asked if he was going to take the block and he said yes. Cool.

8- He missed every block.

9 - He pulled over and put his phone on GPS...or tried. No reception. He tried and tried as his milk shake was melting in my hands. "Robert, I know where we are." He said that his GPS can avoid traffic.

10- I dove the route we were on for YEARS. He wouldn't listen. 45 minutes later we got home. GPS was so wrong and he was wrong. I stopped talking.

I diid't get an apology. All I got was "I trust GPS."

Okay. Welcome to your new best friend.

I'm pissed.

2011-11-06T02:17:00.000-08:00

Really. Seriously.Honestly.

I had the Behold 2, once, twice, three, four. Shit phone. None of them ever worked. No wonder they are discontinued.

I decided to buy a new phone from T-Mobile and I was promised a $50 rebate. I didn't get it.

I called. I was told that I didn't meet the standards.

Interesting.

I was on the phone for three hours with T-Mobile. The run around...hold please...crappy music...lost call...please call this number...sorry we can not accept your call. Really?

Don't fuck with me because I don't go away.

I haven't been sleeping well...

2011-11-03T02:55:00.000-07:00

Basically not at all. I've gotten five hours in the last two days.

The few hours I sleep I had nightmares of the house catching on fire or a knife coming after me. The last was me screaming help me in the front yard and I got stabbed, left shoulder blade to the ground. I was trapped. Then all the sudden there were EMT's, Glendale Police, Vance and my roommate. All standing over me. No one was helping me but some one said "You did a good job, Vance."

When I woke up my hands were clenched, my girls were snoring right beside me...I could hear my roommate snoring from the other room.

What I got from the dream was...all you got is yourself. Fight.

No one is better than any one else...

2011-10-28T03:16:00.000-07:00

Don't tell any one your weakness. They will always use it against you.

In my small noggin...I thought if I told friends what I went through they would understand.

Hahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa...

I'm tired and I am trying to let it go.

Vance will always be in my brain...no getting around that.

Do. Not. Use. It. Against. Me.

I'll fight back with a smile.

Who took my last Ramen?

2011-10-24T05:19:00.000-07:00

I have three choices.

1. Sasha. She might be able to get her nose up to a four foot shelf but she can't boil water.

2. Ripley. She can't reach that high but she sits and waits for any thing to fall on the floor.

3. Robert. Able person. He can boil water.

Hmmm...I think I would chose THREE!

I don't ask for much...you can take all of my food that you want but just leave me one.

We both had some kind of stomach bug.

"Are you serious? You ate all my Ramen? You don't even like that flavor!"

His reply "Well, I thought you had that ramen bowl or something."

Do you ever see a dog tilt their head whit a "what?

I got my keys, slammed the door and went to the store.

I threw up in my car, on myself and in the parking lot. This is before I went in the store.

Ramen was number one on my list followed by Ginger Ale, Alka-Seltzer and Pepto.

I got home and he said "Are you okay?"

Heh. This is where my head went back to pause...breath. I looked at him and my eyes looked up, left, right...target.

"What do you fucking think?"

Don't take anyone's last any thing...you never know when they are going to need it.

Never would have known

2011-10-19T16:26:00.000-07:00

That a piece of artwork I got at a thrift store would be by a famous artist. This one he signed twice. "George Petty" He painted beautiful pin-ups.

Oh how I love him.

I woke up this morning to...

2011-10-19T12:43:00.000-07:00

Men scrapping paint off the garage. Seriously? How about my house?

That would be a no.

The one thing I don't like is my landlord didn't call me and tell me that men would be here...banging.

Fond memories of Vance banging on the door...windows and climbing over the fence and breaking in the house.

Erase me from hell...PLEASE.

I know very upstanding men that I can count on one hand.

I can't even complete the five. My brother, Robert, Jeff and Bryan.

At least I know four.

Sin and Secrets...

2011-10-18T23:36:00.000-07:00

I wanted to scream when I watched the show. I understand these women. It starts out fabulous! They love you and it's so PERFECT! Then it starts. Small things. "India, can't you clean better." I tried to clean better...but it wasn't enough.

People don't understand. They hook you in and then you're stuck. There is no way out. There is always a threat of "I will kill you or your dogs. Your chose." My answer...Me.

I tried to leave the first time. He tried to keep me there by biting my wrists, arms and throat. I left my girls...my dogs. I couldn't stand it any more.

I slept in my car.

People really don't understand.

Men get off good in a domestic violence situation women get life in prison and in mind.

All I can think is there is a strong woman behind every man.

Because we are telling you what the fuck to do and guess what? We are right.

I write notes...

2011-10-10T14:52:00.000-07:00

This one read "Robert said "You're a stupid fucking bitch." Sweet.

I wrote it and taped it to my chest of draws.

He woke up this morning and said "I know I said some bad stuff to you last night."

I ripped off the paper and handed it to him. I was so enraged I couldn't speak.

"Oh my god, India I am so sorry."

Sorry is a sad word. Just stop doing it. I don't think that's a lot to ask.

I asked him why he said it to me. His reply was astounding.

"I was pissed that guy called you a fucking cunt."

Interesting. This is where I get foggy.

Let me explain...it's comical.

He said "I was so mad at that guy calling you a fucking cunt I took it out on you."

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahashahahaha!

I finished a fight he started.

Words can be cruel. What am I hearing in my head right now?

"Fucking cunt and stupid fucking bitch."

It makes my hands shake. It reminds me of a very bad place.

Chose your words wisely because you never know the dagger that the other person feels.

People don't understand.

2011-10-10T00:09:00.000-07:00

Walk in me shoes. PLEASE.

A guy called me a "Fucking CUNT" today. What? Then he said it again and again and again.

Seriously? Don't fuck with me.

The car door flew open,. I was toe to toe with him. "What did you call me?" His reply "A FUCKING CUNT."

I said " bring it on." He said "No, you hit me first and then I'll call the police." Serious?

It takes pussy to call a girl a cunt.

My roommate and I went to look at a new house...

2011-10-02T23:27:00.000-07:00

Pretty place. Nice yard. The ad did not say second floor. No way way in fucking hell could my dogs get up those stairs...I had problems. To steep for me. I don't like heights. The place was fabulous. Granite counter tops all new stainless steel appliances and a pink bath tub. This I liked.

Stairs. No. My dogs are 14.

I really want to get out of where we are. After the random guy in the yard and the suicide by police I'm done here.

We went to brunch after seeing the place. Champagne brunch is fabulous! I couldn't eat. I tried, I made it to the bathroom to throw up. I paid $30 bucks for 5 glasses of shitty champagne and three plates of food I couldn't eat.

People keep telling me that I might have something wrong with me medically. I start to believe it some times. No. I get disturbed by certain things and it lasts for a few days. It makes me physically ill that people are cruel.

I was watching a show tonight and a guy killed some one with a machete. A 21 year old girl.

I will never forget the fling of his machete. He told me he would cut my head off when I fell asleep. I didn't sleep. I still don't sleep that well.

Everyone says to get over it. Every one can go fuck them selves.

I wish people understood.

7:42 am...

2011-09-30T23:14:00.000-07:00

The girls woke me up barking. There was no knock at the door. I looked out the window. There was a man standing in the common yard. He did not move but his eyes looked at me. I'm not opening the door, I didn't know who he was.

My dogs kept barking. I looked again...he was still there staring at our front door and his eyes came to me looking through the window.

Then he was gone.

He kind of disappeared in a whisper. We are in the back house and people have to search to find us. I didn't hear the front gate which I always do. Nothing...he was just there.

At 2:30am that morning there was shooting right across the street from us. The man pulled out a gun and started shooting at nothing. The Glendale Police were called and he open fired on them. Suicide by police. They killed him.

Do I believe that was the man standing in my yard? Yes. But he was already dead.

I believe in ghosts. Do I think it was him? Yup. The pain in his eyes was black.

It was weird.

PTSD is not a joke...I thought it was.

2011-09-29T20:31:00.000-07:00

I didn't know I was living in hell until the hell left.

The smallest thing will send me on a rampage.

I do not like this thing in myself.

My roommate called me today looking for some thing in his room. Sorry, I was asleep. I haven't been sleeping that well so when I can catch it I don't move.

The message was ugly. "India! are you there? Wake up! Are you sleeping? Wake up! I need you to find some thing in my room. Pick up the phone."

The cherry on the top was when he was hanging up the phone he said "Son of a bitch."

Really? I just did not hear this.

Horns grew on the top of me head. I called him. He answered. I said "Don't EVER leave me a message on my answering machine and cuss." I hung up.

My hands and legs were shaking. They still are.

I find it bizarre how the littlest things don't effect people like they do me.

I still remember where I put every thing. Men out there buy a chain for your wallet. Where did I find his wallet after two hours of saying I stole it? The fridge. Did he want to cool money he didn't have?

When people say they can't find a wallet or keys...really? I know...why don't you know?

DD thought me how to find things for him. This is how I found out the saying "It's always in the last place you look."

The minutes and hours of searching for his shit I realized it's the first place you left it.

His birthday was yesterday. I always made it special because he never really had good ones. He hated me for that.

I don't understand what he did to me but I'm starting to find out. I've gotten better.

The "Sleep with one eye open or I will kill you." Still has not faded.

I have my bouts of PTSD. My brain goes into defense mode. People telling me to calm down...heh. It's a trigger for me. Don't tell me what to do.

I can't stand this shit.

Will the nightmare of him chocking me go away?

I'm starting to remember so many things I wanted to forget.

Why was I there? Why did I stay?

I don't know if any woman that can answer that question.

Men can fix cars but not toilets...

2011-09-29T02:34:00.000-07:00

Really?

I bought the parts.

My roommate got home and I handed him the parts.

I said "While you are doing this I'm going to take the girls for a walk."

His response: I'll be done in 5 mins.

Me and the girls got back from a 15 min walk.

"Is it fixed?"

He said "Yup...it's fixed."

"Why's the water still running in it?"

He looked at it with me.

He said "The handle is corroded. That's the problem."

He walked away. Was the handle the problem? No.

Did I fix it? Absolutely.

I don't know why men can't fix toilets or clean them but women can.

Pot Roast...

2011-09-23T23:15:00.000-07:00

I love to cook it. I started it at around 6pm. The smell is so fabulous I want to eat the air.

7pm I added corn on the cob.

Yes. I will be eating this at 1:30am.

Didn't I just blog about being fat? Yes, I think I did.

My problem is sugar. It always has been.

I decided to stop eating sugar at 3am this morning after a sugar loaded Chevron coffee. I've done this before when I knew I had a problem with sugar.

It's been almost 23 hours and I want to rip some ones face off. I do love sugar that much.

Where are my Ding Dongs when I need them?

Did any one think about deep frying them?

That would be fabulous! Fuck.

I'm at 133lbs.

2011-09-23T05:20:00.000-07:00

No. This is not acceptable to me.

I once weighed in at 189lbs.

Everyone told me I was fat. Thanks for the reminder. Like I don't see this.

Do you know what it's like to go to Home Depot when a girl is fat? You don't get SHIT for service. I would see people that worked there and say "Excuse me? Can you help me"" That would be a no.

The sink did not get fixed that day.

I went to a local hardware store a couple of weeks later and they helped me. The owner was so sweet, he told me the whole process. I fixed the sink.

A year and a half later after losing a good 70-80lbs I went back to Home Depot. I was just looking for the out cast paint. It's fabulous! All the poor discarded paint. Love it.

I was surrounded "Can we help you?"

I don't need three men to help me pick out my paint.

So if I'm fat you won't help me but if I'm thin you will surround me.

I don't get it.

I don't like people touching me that I don't know.

2011-09-13T22:42:00.000-07:00

This is why I chose to do my own hair.

Over two days I colored and cut it.

No one fucks with my hair but me.

A LAUNDRY MAT I LIKE?

2011-09-11T23:30:00.000-07:00

NO! What will happen with the the Laundry Mat O' Hell blogs?

I found the perfect laundry mat. The parking is crowed...no wonder.

They have big screen TV's and air conditioning!

The floors were spotless.

The binds that you load your clothes in are new. Huh? There is no disgusting hair wrapped on the tires? Weird.

Best part...wait...wait...wait...

I could see all the buttons on the washers...they weren't warn off. I could pick my water temperature and the cycle.

I almost passed out.

Those dryers also sucked every inch of dog fur off my pillows, sheets and comforter.

What more can you ask for?

Maybe a bar across the street with Mexican food.

The nachos are fabulous!

Falcon?

2011-09-11T23:08:00.000-07:00

No. I feed sparrows and doves...

I walked by the front door and saw a huge bird land by the bird food.

I thought "That was not a Pigeon."

I backed up an peeked my head around the door.

Yeah...that's a fucking falcon four feet from me.

It was a good foot in height. I did stand in ah.

It was beautiful.

Small things in life that happen in 60 seconds.

hypervigilance...

2011-09-05T03:12:00.000-07:00

"People with arousal disorders see danger everywhere and obsess about it constantly, there is likely to be little rest for them. They are more apt to be constantly busy handling perceived threats, and will usually have a difficult time getting to sleep or staying asleep because they know that losing consciousness by falling asleep will cause them to let down their guard.'

He always told me he would kill me when I was sleeping. He said he would slit my throat. That's when I started hiding the knives.

Thanks for the fabulous fucking nightmares.

I loved to sleep. I'd turn the a/c to 55 and curl up with tons of blankets.

"Losing consciousness by falling asleep will cause them to let down their guard."

I don't like unconscious. I can't fight.

The best night sleep I got was a few years ago. I felt safe. I wanted to stay in bed all day.

My roommate bought a Hoover...

2011-09-03T10:53:00.000-07:00

$150 bucks...P.A.W.S friendly. When I was young my Ma always had "The Hoover".

When I was 7 I put a hole in a fish tank with a chair trying to get my parakeet off of the curtain rod.

5 gallons of water on shag carpet.

I used the Hoover. That baby sucked up 5 gallons of water and I was not electrocuted in the process.

It actually worked after that mass of destruction.

This Hoover...yeah, no.

It's a piece of shit.

It really didn't pick up any thing. It just kind of rolled the dog fur around. It made me doubt my intelligence.

I turned it off and looked to see if I had done something wrong. That's when I saw it.

Are you serious? There is a sticker on it that says "Contact Us. Do not return to the store."

Interesting. There was definitely a "What?" moment. It's brand new.

They just branded their product CRAP and it is.

I ordered a new filter for my Dirt Devil today.

In 5 to 7 days I can vacuum.

I dreamt about this art piece...

2011-09-02T23:56:00.000-07:00

I had to finally draw it.

I always saw my self looking down.

My roommate thinks...

2011-09-02T21:11:00.000-07:00

that putting tons of lighter fluid on the coals kills germs on the grill. What? This I do not understand.

That shit is toxic. My dogs were coughing and he couldn't smell a thing.

The smell is still stuck in my nose.

I love my food. I don't like gas as a topping.

I went out to feed the birds....

2011-08-31T23:52:00.000-07:00

Yeah, we have weird birds in Glendale.

All the sudden there was a whirl win.

I saw bags and leafs in the air as high as a helicopter flies.

Weird. Then it almost blew me down.

It was a small cyclone.

Then it stopped.

Cool.

I'm confused...

2011-08-20T07:28:00.000-07:00

My roommate has been playing a new video game for the last two months. Twelve to eighteen hours a day or night. I don't see him that much unless I cook.

I tried to talk to him in the first month. That would be no response.

Second month slid by. I could see him walking by the microwave and walking back to his computer.

I said "You might want to lay of that."

He said "You're right."

The next day...

He was in his room. How can a person watch TV, type on a laptop also watch the screen of his home computer from across the room and check his video game via cell phone?

He asked me why I've been so distant.

Are your serious?

I don't think people understand...

2011-08-14T01:18:00.000-07:00

The mass of what I went through, even I don't understand.

Only a few people know what it's like to live with the devil and very few know how hard it is to get away.

The mind fuck is special. You don't know they are doing it to you. "You are so fucking dead!" should have been my ring tone.

I wish he would have killed me. Six feet under would have been less painful than the nightmares I still have.

"Watch you back, I just bought a knife." Shit.

I could not get away. He would find me. follow me and taunt me. I started looking in to moving to Alaska because I wouldn't have to look over my shoulder. Yeah, it went that far.

The point of this post is I don't understand why people say shitty things to me and they expect me to be nice.

Let's go over the last two day.

Last night my roommate told me I was anti-social and that I never talk to him any more. Low blow and uncalled for. "Huh? Excuse me? You are playing a video game twelve hours a day." (Yes he playing it as I'm typing). I'm anti-social? Hey, but he talks to people in Australia on the game and that makes him social.

My friend T. We got into a stupid drunk phone fight. Hang up's are always in the mix. I called her the next day to apologize for, I don't know. I left her a message. I also sent a text. No response.

I got a text message tonight...two months later. She sent me the same text three times. Grow some balls and call me.

I speak my mind now, something I couldn't do before and some times I am harsh.

As I've said I have been through the shit hole but I respect people and I expect the same in return.

I guess I live in LaLa land.

I watched "The History of Vampires"

2011-08-11T07:14:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry that Vlad the Impaler's real name was Dracula. One stupid name changed it all. It was the 1600's. I guess murder was legal in those days. He was a sadist.

Now they believe that there are psychic vampires. The documentary said the Vampires feed on good people's aura. The military actually did a study on it. Excuse me? I'm paying tax dollars to find out some people are assholes and suck the life out of you?

I can't believe I wasted an hour of my life for stupidity.

Tripped over a dog...

2011-08-10T02:49:00.000-07:00

Head first in n to my chest of draws.

I hit the corner,

I saw stars.

Ice pack.

I was thinking all day what I wanted to cook...

2011-08-07T01:12:00.000-07:00

Eggs...check. Milk...check...Quiche

It was a masterpiece.

Spinach cooked with garlic and butter, mozzarella, provolone and insanity hot sauce all in a beautiful crust.

Need I say more?

I got my birthday present from my Mom...

2011-07-31T04:26:00.000-07:00

Four days ago. That box and me have had some stand offs.

I didn't break it open until 12:01.

She bought me "Scooby-Do! popcorn...heh...they explode in to different shapes, TAFFY-TAFFY and Wolf Brand Chili.

SO many more things in the box.

My Ma is so amazing I can't see straight.

She makes me realize...the smallest things matter.

Ripley

2011-07-27T00:46:00.000-07:00

I caught her looking at me.

"What?"

I picked up my camera.

Snap.

I hate it when I can't sleep.

2011-07-26T01:34:00.000-07:00

I wish some times that I didn't have to worry about any thing but I do.

I found a new gallery....

2011-07-24T02:12:00.000-07:00

I just hope they will take just one of my pictures.

Never know until you try, right?

My friend said...

2011-07-20T01:44:00.000-07:00

Who blogs any more.

Uh oh. Me?

Finally...

2011-07-19T00:29:00.000-07:00

I finished it. It took me a week.

Now I just want to rip it up.

I did a good job...it looks just like him.

narcissistic personality disorder

2011-07-18T01:53:00.000-07:00

Wow. There is actually a clinical disorder for an asshole?

I always told him there was some thing wrong with him. That was probably wrong to tell him that but I was right. Who bites people? Really? He bit me in the face. That was a long hard night. I can't believe I loved him.

Anyhoo...

Here are the symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

React to criticism with rage, shame or humiliation. -check-

Takes advantage of other people to achieve their own goals. -double check-

Have excessive felling of self-importance. -check- X3

Exaggerate of achievements and talents. -check-

Being preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love. -check, check, check (the mirror was his best friend.) check...ideal love makes me want to vomit but it would be a -check-

Have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment. Heh. That statement makes me laugh. This is a definite -CHECK-

Needs constant attention and admiration. Please spare me a decade...-check-

Disregard the feeling of others and have little ability to feel empathy. Yeah...he didn't give a shit. -check-

Have obsessive self-interest. Ya think. -check-

Pursue mainly selfish goals. -check-

We all have our baggage. I do and I can admit that. He however, walked away clean. I was the bitch, I was the one that did him wrong. I guess I was wrong because I didn't tell him to "FUCK OFF" sooner.

I know I won't get over what happened until he says he's sorry for every thing he did to me.

This day will never happen.

I was shredding papers...

2011-07-16T03:16:00.000-07:00

Then I thought...

With a little flour and water I can create.

I started to tear and paste.

I don't know how I do this.

But I love when I do it.

I got a trial job...

2011-07-13T13:51:00.000-07:00

One day test run as a dishwasher. In a vegan restaurant.

Who eats this shit? I had no problem scraping off the dishes and cleaning them but the smell?

I threw up three times.

Kale smoothies. Yogurt and kale. #1

Bell pepper, cilantro and cashew cheese pizza. #2

I don't know what the fuck it was but it was a soup...neon yellow. All the bowls came back full. Chef...get a hint. #3

By the way even the desserts didn't interest me. I am the sweet queen! Gross.

I worked from 4 to 11pm. I busted my ass. The manager finally came over and said they would take it from there. I fell to far behind. I tried...I really tried. I don't think it worked out. I got $60 bucks cash for the shift.

I can honestly say if they offered me the job, I wouldn't take it.

I LOVE FOOD.

That shit is meant to be feed to cattle.

Put me in a dishwashing job in a steak house. I will gladly take it.

Everyone can go fuck off..

2011-07-13T02:07:00.000-07:00

Really? Does any one care about any one?

That would be a big fucking NO.

I still have nightmares about him...

2011-07-09T03:14:00.000-07:00

He always has a knife...a hunters knife with the jagged edges. I always see his eyes in the dream. Pupils so big I could barely see the steel grey color. He's over me when I'm sleeping. I wake up before he kills me.

That happened last night. I woke up in a sweat, jumped up with my hands over my face and..my dogs were snoring.

It was just a dream.

People say "Get over it already." Sure...no problem. I fake it.

I still can't say I hate him after all he has done to me.

Am I afraid he is going to kill me? Yes.

Being on guard 24/7 is tiring.

I wanted to draw a picture of him being evil...what happened is him being slowly erased.

I LOVE when I get packages in the mail!

2011-07-09T00:49:00.000-07:00

Presents!!!

My bank has rewards points. Every time I swipe my bebit card I get points. I had forgotten about this. I got an email from my bank stating I had 9,800.

Whatever...I thought I could get like a keychain or some thing. I went on the website.

Holly shit!

Today I got two bluetooth's (one for me and one for my roommate) and a new alarm clock...my old one hated me.

But wait! There's more.

2 $5 cards to Burger King
2 $5 cards to Subway
1 $ card to Jack in the Box.

I love my junk food.

It's amazing what you can get for free if you pay attention.

"The House By The Side of The Road"

2011-07-04T00:15:00.000-07:00

I watched a show called "Ghost Stories."

The girl's grandfather read her that poem when she was young. He came back after he died and read it to her again while she was laying in bed.

My hair stood up on the back of my neck.

My Ma read it at my grandfather's funeral.

It means you are no better or worse than the next person.

His silence spoke volumes.

Too much influx...

2011-06-25T22:14:00.000-07:00

There are so many people telling me what I should do, what I should be and most priceless how I should feel.

It's fabulous, if you are in their shoes. I think in their minds they are saving me.

No. They are trying to change me...to their standards.

I am NEVER going to be normal. I like that I'm not. So what the fuck is the problem?

"India, your'e weird." people say...a lot.

My response..."Yeah...and your point is?"

They can never actually answer this question. I get the sputters of "Well..you know India...you're just weird."

My response..."Haven't we covered this already?"

People assume things about another person. Not fair. I've done it...I'm no angel. I learned though, you never know what a person really is or what they are thinking.

I've learned that when people say shit like that to me...it means they envy me. They can't be weird.

I love it.

My neighbor asked me as I was petting his dog...

2011-06-21T15:48:00.000-07:00

"So, does the guy with the long black hair live with you again?"

Me...What?"

"Yeah, he's been jogging through the neighbor. I see him all the time."

"He's been running through here?"

"Yeah, that's why I thought he lived there again. I stopped at the intersection down the street and he ran by me and screamed "Fuck You!" I didn't understand why."

Oh fuck. That would be him.

He said he thinks he lives in Atwater. He sees him start out in the morning by the resevoir and after he's gone to the store he sees him on my street.

Information I needed to know but didn't want to hear.

"Sleep with one eye open, India because I will kill you."

I don't doubt him for a second.

A friend of mine said "You always say you are such a good person...

2011-06-18T11:42:00.000-07:00

but you're not."

Okay then. I would not say this to any one. Does that make me a bad person?

I know EVERYONE's bullshit because I am the sounding board. How I got this job I do not know. Maybe it's my penance for talking about DD for all those years. I accept this but it wears on a person.

I take every ones poison in. All their tears, sorrow, regret, anger, pain, happiness, achievements, love, boyfriends/girlfriends, break-ups, family problems, car problems, fridge problems, washer or dryer problems...get my point yet?

I roll all of those into a lovely ball and put them in a special place in my heart.

However, When I get pissy...people don't understand.

This is what I've concluded. I will continue to sit as a wall flower and listen but you better watch out because this wall flower can explode like 1970's wall paper.

People are always telling me...

2011-06-17T23:10:00.000-07:00

I'm always wrong. Over and over and over again.

I don't think people understand kindness in this world.

I've been butchered by several of my friends lately. I take it...all in a days work.

They don't understand what it does to me...when I can't finish a Goddamn fucking sentence when I am talking to them.

There was a knock on the door this morning...

2011-06-17T16:37:00.000-07:00

It was on the door frame. That's what Vance does. The girls were fast asleep. I was the only one that heard it.

I was frozen. I could hear the crunching of the leaves as some one was walking away.

I sat for a couple of minutes and then I looked out the window...who ever it was, was already gone.

People don't get it...thank god they don't.

The Gas guy came to change out meters out at 7:00am two days ago with out warning and knocked on the door. I shot up in bed...Robert made it to the front door before me. I have to admit I hid behind him. I was scared.

I've tried to make people afraid of Vance...some people believe me and some people don't.

Believe me, this man is going to explode in to a million pieces and take people out with him.

Does any one FUCKING believe me?

It takes a lot to get me pissed...

2011-06-06T11:09:00.000-07:00

Now I'm just fucking enraged.

How many ways can I be classified?

Bitch, whore, stupid, ugly, fat, ignorant, ginnie, whop, jew, fucking mexcian, loser.

I deserve these words how?

I'm tired of taking the poison of other peoples grief.

I'm kind. It's a really fucking hard job.

Try it out some time.

My friend has been going through a hard time...

2011-06-05T02:51:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPZpczQs1Fc&NR=1She had a fabulous friend pass away. I can hear her pain though the phone. There isn't shit I can do about it.

Time heals all wounds? Fuck off. It doesn't. The saying sounds pretty but it's bullshit.

A person hurts, they try not to cry.

I guess a person just has to remember the bright that was in then not the dark when they passed.

This song is for her friend. I didn't know him but I think it fits.

For Stevan.

And it was his mother's coffee cup...shit.

2011-06-04T01:48:00.000-07:00

I spent 5 hours cleaning the kitchen. Yes...it was that dirty. Ants every where. I was out of comet so I had to use pure bleach. It always makes me feel weird. Like I'm high or something. I went down.

When I woke up my roommate had placed one coffee cup in the sink. Are you fucking kidding me? And yes I said that to him. He was half asleep and muttered "I thought it looked nice in the sink."

My response, you might ask? "Some times nice things break."

I rinsed it out and threw it into the dish strainer. He's lucky his favorite coffee cup survived.

He apologized later. He said "You should have broken it. You cleaned the whole kitchen and I didn't help. It looks great."

My response "Thank you." That's all I wanted was a thank you and a little respect.

Help would have been nice but he's a man. Go figure.

My Father was in the hospital...

2011-05-25T07:20:00.000-07:00

I'm not a big fan of him but I still care...SHIT!

I called and he answered.

We actually talked.

I really hate to love him.

My roommate told me tonight...

2011-05-21T00:37:00.000-07:00

That he thinks I'm mentally ill....I need to go to a doctor and get help.

Interesting...for what? PTSD? Done it...there is no cure. There is no FUCKING drug that will take that away. Well there is but that drug numbs you so you can't see if he's coming.

Even when he's dead and buried it won't go away. He is always behind me with a hand on my shoulder telling me what a piece of shit I am.

I'm working through it really slowly. It takes a few years to get over some one trying to kill you...many times.

I'm starting to love music again. Can you imagine listening to music you hated 24/7 for a decade? Every thing I loved he hated. I actually liked his music for the first two years, it get's old after five years. He use to pawn my CD's for money when I was at work. I use to hide them but he would always find them. I had no music.

My friends started sending me music after he was gone. It's taken me a long time to figure out what I like. What I like will piss him off...but he's not here.

I wish people could understand how it feels. That's why I started this blog. Domestic Violence.

I can type all I want to but it will never explain it.

One good note from my therapist. "Never divulge what you have to other people."

Okay...I'll just live like a freak show on the inside.

Every morning at 4:05 am

2011-05-20T05:34:00.000-07:00

I wake up. No alarm.

Sober or drunk, I wake up at the same time.

I tried to stay up tonight to see the 4:05...I passed out at around 3am.

I woke up at 4:05am.

I can remove all the clocks from the house but that doesn't remove the time.

I haven't been this sick for a long time...

2011-05-16T18:49:00.000-07:00

Fear.

I tried to call his parents to find out where he is. I need to find out how close he is to me.

I saw him tonight.

2011-05-16T03:17:00.000-07:00

He was on the corner two blocks from our house.

Some times I think I am being a freak. I should be stronger.

But honestly, how many times can some one try and kill a person?

Let's check my memory.

He said he wanted to slaughter me. He went in to mass details. Slitting my throat and watching me bleed to death. That's when I started hiding knives.

Taking me to the desert stripping me naked, covering me in honey and letting the ants eat me alive. Not my choice of a vacation.

Trying to kill me on Cahuenga pass after the MTV music awards by grabbing the steering wheel and trying to leap us on to the 101. It's a long dive.

Then when he tried to choke me. Screaming "Die bitch! Die." The bitch didn't die.

Then there was the time that he was in my face screaming "HIT ME!" I was done. Right hook to the jaw. Unfortunately he head butted me on to the couch. He wouldn't let me leave the couch.

Four hours. I couldn't move. He wouldn't let me. The phone was right there. Just in arms reach. He tried to bite me every time I went for it.

911. Three numbers that were so far away.

He scares me and he knows where I live.

Suicide.

2011-05-01T05:19:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine lost some one via suicide.

It brought back memories of things I wish to forget.

What was his last thought before he pulled the trigger?

I think about him every day.

Some days I'm angry and some days I think about how fabulous he was.

Was...he blew his brains out. He was not fucking around.

What could I have said to make him not do it.

Only in LA...

2011-04-30T03:44:00.000-07:00

I walked to the store to get smokes about an hour ago. Yeah it was a long fucking walk. Anyhoo...I saw two LAPD cars racing each other down a major street. I know this because they had no lights on and they were swerving at each other...kind of like a cat and mouse game. they were doing about 80mph. I guess any thing a person can do to blow off some steam is okkaayy?

My only thought was...shouldn't they be out catching the bad guys or some thing?

Maybe it's just me.

Guess what job I applied for...

2011-04-22T13:05:00.000-07:00

Working graveyard shift in the laundry room of a senior citizens home.

Now that's a job I will learn to hate because as we all know...I love doing laundry.

You know what...

2011-04-22T00:18:00.000-07:00

I get pissed. I bitch and complain. I think every one does.

It seems my family doesn't.

I sat for hours on the phone with family squabbles over my ma being upset or my sister or them not being able to spend enough time with my brother. i listened to all parties and decided that they were just bitching about each other and not talking to each other. So I made calls to each one. I found out that every one thought that every one else was "too busy."

I cleared that up. They realized they weren't.

They now have dinners together at least once a week. They talk more than they every did before. They thanked me for that.

Unfortunately, they never call me.

I think that's a little fucked up.

I hope in my life time...

2011-04-13T04:11:00.000-07:00

I have never made any one feel inferior. People are so fucking ignorant when they don't realize words are power.

The words come out of their mouth and it floats in the wind...they can't get take them back.

I sit and watch people dig their own graves. I find it intriguing.

I sit and wait for them to realize what they are doing. Heh. They don't.

Then the aftermath comes...they back track. "I didn't mean it that way." "You took it wrong."

No, I didn't and don't fucking blame me for what you said.

Choose your words wisely because you can not take them back.

My roommate told me tonight

2011-04-10T04:57:00.000-07:00

"You haven't done one goddamn thing strong. You are weak...you are weakness. The reason you were abused is because you let people do it to you."

Well, slam me a little more and I'll put you in the abuse category.

A few years ago I would have screamed for hours. This time I told him to get the fuck out of my room.

Not wanting to get into a screaming match I picked up a pin and a pink post it and wrote "Fuck Off." As he was sitting at his computer I slapped on his monitor.

Me? Weak? That's fucking hysterical.

The problem is, the words stay in a persons mind. He chose to gut me and he did.

I've learned. I'll take it because the reason you are abused is because you let people do it to you.

Fuck that.

What a dick.

When you don't have a canvas...

2011-03-30T23:43:00.000-07:00

You use black pants, bleach and a paint brush. I got a complement on them today.

She said "They are really cool...where did you get them?"

"I wrote on them."

I worked on those pants for days.

The end on the right leg fades to...go fuck yourself.

It's amazing how one word makes a design.

I actually got a call back for a job...scary.

2011-03-18T03:43:00.000-07:00

He had a ad for artists to design body art. The ad was vague but I applied. Ten minutes later he called me. He wanted female escorts. Just kidding but it would make for a great story.

Anyhoo...The company is looking for designs for ear gauges. He wanted young artists that are semi-know in the art world and have the knowledge of what teens want. I told him I was not know and not a teen. He sent me a link to his website any way. Honey, please.

A sunflower, rose, yin and yang and tribal. That's really cutting edge. Boring. I'm sending a sketch of jagged teeth around the gauge. Some thing that I think says "Go fuck off."

I was a teenager once.

He still haunts me at night

2011-03-06T01:41:00.000-08:00

I fucking hate it. I want it to go away but I know it won't. Every sound every bump at night...he's coming for me. At least it doesn't happen as often as it use to. It just pisses me off that I have to get my ass out of bed to draw his face at 4am so I can sleep.

At least it made me feel better.

It's funny...

2011-02-28T23:38:00.000-08:00

How can I miss some one that I've only seen once?

Is Orchid the flower of death?

2011-02-28T03:28:00.000-08:00

That's what my roommate told me.

I can't grow any thing to save my life. I tried to grow tomatoes for years. The black hands of death killed them all. Cucumber, Cantaloupe and watermelon were soon to follow.

My orchid is blooming again. I've had it for 7 years. That baby has hung on.

People think that if something doesn't bloom it's dead.

I don't think so.

My classic line with Vance was...

2011-02-25T01:56:00.000-08:00

"Stop doing shit that you have to say sorry for because sorry no longer has a meaning."

Robert is now falling under theses lines.

Sorry is a weak word and booze is just an excuse.

I'm still hurt and I still feel stupid but I've learned to confront a situation.

So I talked to him today. Basically he is insecure about school, his life and turning 40.

Ummmm...bummer. Fuck off.

It bowled down to him feeling better about himself by making me feel like shit. Bravo! Nice move Robert.

I've been down this road before. I will fuck you up and fuck you over but that's not the person I am now. I want to scream and yell at him but it's a waste of my time.

Unfortunately, I still feel like garbage. Words are swords.

Cheesecake and brownie ice cream...

2011-02-25T01:31:00.000-08:00

Ben and Jerry I adore you.

"I dream bigger than you."

2011-02-24T04:29:00.000-08:00

I was talking to my roommate about a lottery ticket I bought and dreamed about what I would do if I won. That when he said "I dream bigger than you." Three times.

Okay. How does some one dream bigger? Is this a competition? My answer would be no.

I have my dreams...they are mine. They are no bigger or less then some one else.

I said "I think that's where we are black and white. I'm a dreamer and you are a realist."

"No,no,no India I am a dreamer but I do it much more intelligent."

What? Huh? ummmmm.....uh....did he just say that? what? Now I'm a stupid dreamer? I didn't know that existed until now.

I told him to fuck off, go fuck yourself and fuck you.

He's been different since he's been in school. He's really full of himself. He knows it all. He even told me that. "India, I was called stupid my whole life and now I know I am smart and my professor's I doubt how smart they are."

Here was my question..."If you were called stupid your whole life then why do you make people feel stupid?"

His response "It makes me smarter." sweet.

This where we differ and I am smarter. I started stripping the paint off the shower due to the black mold of death and Robert said it would eat through the dry wall. I told him the shower stall was metal. "No India, you're wrong."

Who do you think was right?

A girl and her pitt bull.

2011-02-19T04:49:00.001-08:00

I found this picture tonight. I forgot all about it. That's the night Sasha ripped Vance's nose apart and the night he told me we wouldn't live to see the sun rise. I wanted to take a picture of us just in case we both died that night. I learned that documentation is good. I also wrote a letter that was with the picture. "To who it may concern...." That's as far as I got. I ripped it up.

I'm getting better but I trust no one.

Heavenly Laundry...

2011-02-17T18:17:00.000-08:00

I chose not to go there even though my room mate insists they have the best dryers. Honey, they ain't no Heaven in laundry.

I went to my usual spot. I can always clean out my car since there is a dumpster in the parking lot and the fond memories of the chicken place I got food poisoning from. It just feels like home. Heh.

I had so much laundry from start to finish it took me 7 hours and $30. Fine.

This is where I get pissy...two loads were towels. I'm not talkin small loads here. My roommate was suppose to wash them before Christmas. Let me see...it's February, correct?

When I was leaving to the laundry of hell he said "I'd go with you but I don't feel like it." I said "Did I ask you?" If you know me you can imagine the look on my face when I said that. He walked away.

When I got home he was waiting. He helped me in with the mass of clean laundry. However, I was the one folding 30 towels. I put them all away and when I was done he came in to the room. "Wow, you put them all up." I said "Yup, and any towel that you use from now on goes in your dirty laundry. K?" "Um...yeah...okay, I do use most of them."

I'm sorry...did I hear a thank you? Nope.

I'm fucking sick of being a man's mother whether it be a boyfriend, roommate or friend. I don't have kids...and this is why.

I was cleaning out draws...

2011-02-06T21:55:00.000-08:00

I found this picture. That's the man I loved. That's him. Funny...once the front door closed it wasn't him.

I got a text from him...

2011-02-06T00:54:00.000-08:00

"I treated you to a night completely and ypur (his spelling) shit about being a bad first date? Fuck you cunt!"

My first name should be Cunt. I know it well. I also know the men that use it are weak.

Seriously...from a stranger it still makes me cry,

It's harsh.

I texted him back and said "I don't want to know any man that calls a girl a cunt."

I saw the red flags...

2011-02-05T03:38:00.000-08:00

but I didn't wanna see the red. He was nice on the phone. He lives in Long Beach and said he would drive here and rent a hotel room in between because he has had two DUI's. FLAG ONE.

He said "You can stay at the hotel if you want...I don't want to make you uncomfortable." FLAG TWO

I went any way...Hey people are weird...we all are.

We met at a bar that had pool tables. I love to play pool. He asked me if I played. I said yes. He told me he sucked but he would play any way. Guess what...he knew french English on a cue ball. FLAG THREE.

I said "Man, you're lying to me. You know how to play pool." FLAG FOUR "No I don't."

He beat me three times. I'm cool with that but he was jumping up and down when he won. Weird. Who make's a girl feel embarrassed when I was saying "nice shot."

He went to the bathroom and guys at the other table were talking to me. "Who is that guy?" FLAG FIVE.

I said "First date." They laughed. Those guys were cool...I think they saw he was a prick.

I was done. I wanted food...damn I still haven't eaten.

I walked four blocks to my car and I got home.

I like to pay for half the date because it gives me the the same upper hand as a man.

When he said "I got it Princess."

Really?

I don't know where to begin or end this post.

All I can say is it was on fucked up date that makes me want to be alone.

Bacon Ice Cream...

2011-01-31T01:50:00.000-08:00

It's insane. My roommate and I went to a ice cream truck that he had heard about on the internet. I got a vanilla bacon ice cream sandwich with fresh backed ginger cookies.

It may sound gross to most...but it's the best ice cream I've ever had and I'm an ice cream junkie.

I often wondered...

2011-01-28T03:11:00.000-08:00

What character I would be in The Wizard of OZ. I always thought it would be Dorothy. I'm not that lucky but that's good.

I'm the cowardly lion that found courage.

It's about fucking time.

Uncovered while cleaning...

2011-01-24T22:58:00.000-08:00

I found the unfinished. I finished it. I like it. I so want to be an artist. It's not going to pay the rent.

I can paint you in to a wall but I can't paint the bills.

Turned out different then I thought...

2011-01-24T03:25:00.000-08:00

I thought I was going to do a depressing picture...but it went to OZ.

In some form you have to have art to express life.

I think he was here again...

2011-01-21T00:48:00.000-08:00

Sasha went insane this morning. Barking, relentlessly. He's coming after me. I did't see him but I have that feeling.

He wants me dead. I don't use that term lightly. I just want him to leave me alone. He won't.

I'm thinking about nailing my window shut again.

Some thing is wrong and when that happens he comes after me.

I have my grandmother's wood rolling pin next to my bed.

Vance, it's over. Leave me alone.

Guess that's not going to happen until he kills me.

just when I thought I was in the clear...

2011-01-19T22:09:00.000-08:00

He showed up. I was asleep. My room mate answered the door.

It was Vance.

My room mate said that Vance told him he had to talk to me.

Robert said the had no eye brows and his hair was greasy. I think he's homeless...that was my first thought.

I'm scared.

I officially have my Servsafe card...

2011-01-15T23:18:00.000-08:00

I got it in the mail today. I fucking passed. I couldn't believe it...okay...well yeah I could.

That was the only class that meant any thing to me.

Heh. Now I can be a dish washer.

It's Fabulous!!!

My Mom is wicked fabulous...

2011-01-09T01:16:00.000-08:00

She knows my love of OZ. She painted the Emerald City for me...and the wicked witch, ruby slippers, tin man, the lion and the scarecrow. They were all on 8 black wine glasses. Ahhh...she knows me so well.

My Christmas was OZ. She replaced the bracelet with the OZ charm that I lost and also got me a story book bracelet. It tells the whole story of the Wizard of OZ engraved in silver. It's amazing. That present was the first one I opened. I was done, that's all I wanted. As my family opened Ipods, Ipads I thought where did the simple life go.

I love this song.

2011-01-06T02:24:00.000-08:00

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It was on a preview of a show I watch...it haunted me. A friend of mine found the name of the band. There music is pretty cool but this song is so erie. I like that.