Starting to turn my head again...

Not a good sign...I turn it when a memory of him comes in to my mind. Distraction.

I try and shift my focus to good things. It usually works.

It doesn't when I'm asleep. I wake up in a sweat trying to breathe. The recurring one is him trying to chock me to death which actually happened. I wake up to him screaming "Die, bitch die!" and he's not there.

I checked the house. Vance didn't break in.

I took three sleeping pills. I was out for about thirty minutes. Another nightmare I chose to forget.

"India, you have to learn to breathe without any one noticing. I don't want to have to kill you twice."

Very quite after that.

There are three F's in this world...

Fight, Freeze or Flee.

I know the first and the third.

Today I found the second.

Freeze.

I went to the store to get some smokes and as I was pulling in to the parking lot he was there.

First thought in my head "Please release me from hell."

I got out of the car.

"Hey India."

"Hey Vance."

His mouth opened and he was speaking but I had no clue what he was saying.

All I thought was...where can I run.

Frozen in my tracks.

Narcissistic...

I know this word well. Vance taught me he just didn't know it.

A few years ago I met a guy that I really liked. He dumped me for another girl. Heartbroken yet again.

Well I guess that didn't work out for him because she took him for ever thing he was worth.

He always called me and asked if I could come over. Sure. We became friends with benefits. I did really like him unfortunately the world revolved around him.

I should have seen it coming from a mile away, actually twenty feet.

I haven't seen the guy in two years.

IM pops up. "Hey, India where have you been?"

My response "Here."

He talked about the last relationship he had and how he just can't find the right girl.

He said "So do you want to come over?"

No.

"Come on we had good times."

No.

"Get in your car and come and hang out."

No.

"Are you seeing some one?"

Yes.

"Who is he?"

Huh?

"So...you are actually seeing some one?"

Yup

"Cheat on him once for me."

Nope

"Come on, please."

No

"Well you know where I am if you want to come over."

Okay

In my mind i thought...have fun hanging around lonely and waiting for the next girl you can get your dick in to.

And die alone.

Narcissistic personality disorder

My friend is sick.

He's been in the hospital for a week.

He's my gentle giant.

I hate it when I can't control a situation.

People are surprised when I'm a fucking bitch...

I can only carry the nice card for so long then i explode in to a million pieces.

I bear my soul to people so they might understand what I've been through.

People don't listen they just act like they do they also have no problem telling me how weird I am.

Okay. They are fucking perfect, right?

I like being weird.

I took my dogs out for a walk today...

We hit the front yard and they sniffed for a second and we started walking. I noticed a guy getting out of his car and glaring at me. All the sudden he said "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR DOG? IS SHE HURT!!?

"Uhhh...no."

"Well then what's wrong with her?"

Who the fuck is this guy the fucking dog police?

"She's disabled. She's been this way since birth."

"Huh..."

He walked away. He could have at least said that he was sorry for yelling at me.

Brighter side of the day. I rounded the block and I heard some one call my name. It was Barbara.

I met her the other day walking the girls. She was in her wheelchair the fancy kind like the "getarounds." She stopped and asked me about the girls. We talking for a few minutes and then we went on our way.

Today when I rounded the block and I heard some one call my name. I looked around and she said "Over here." She was on the first floor of her balcony "Do your dogs eat people food? I saw you walking the dogs and I saved some beef jerky for them."

"Barbara! Of course they do."

We stood and talked for fifteen minutes. It's funny how people can spew their guts in that amount of time. We both did and I do not know why. This I can't explain.

All I can say is some one nice made up for some one being nasty.

People don't get it...

Nor will they ever. You can't live in my skin or know how my brain is spinning.

I think I'd like to be normal...that shit ain't happin any time soon.

The last few months have been bad. It's like his hand is on my shoulder all the fucking time. I wake up fighting and no one.

It took me two weeks to work up the courage to go to the department of mental health. Robert drove me and went in to the session with me.

"So, tell me why your here." she said.

"Domestic violence."

"How long were you in the relationship?"

"Fuck...a decade." I said.

"Did he ever try to kill you?" Heh...that was a fucking funny question that made me want to punch a wall.

Then I heard Robert. "Yes, he's tried several times."

I don't want to remember this fucking shit. Unfortunately my memory has a different agenda.

"Are you suicidal?" She asked.

"Not today."