Hypervigilance

Can you imagine...every second of your day...looking over your shoulder.

My therapist said that word and I could never get it right...i could never even explain what it was.

It's funny, I told my roommate I was exhausted.

I am on guard 24/7.

I don't sleep...and when I do...I'm still awake.

Because you never know...

My $45 Blackberry Pearl...

That I bought a month ago...heh...before the layoff. It was missing a trackball. I've been waiting a month for the right parts. They came last night.

Ahhhhhh.....the camera actually has a flash and a 1 gig sd card. I can save 1,000 pictures with no problem.

It melts my heart.

I can take pictures again.

Funny...my current cell phone is 4mp.

The photos are for shit.

This one. 1.4mp and they are fabulous.

Sometimes smaller is better...

Sometimes blurr is better...

Sometimes you just don't give a fuck.

And pretty is all that there is.

I know that I need to buck it up...

and I will.

i just want to scream...

i can't even use caps to say that shit.

it's like a wave in my mind...it keeps crashing...over and over and over...

it makes me cry.

i couldn't save him and in the end i'm the one drowning.

whore, cunt you fucking piece of shit...you are worthless and weak. no one could ever love some thing as disgusting as you. you're a drama queen you fucking cunt, thats all you want is attention that's all you ever wanted you fucking bitch.

took him 10 seconds to say that. how many seconds are in a minute, how many minutes are in an hour..how many hours are there in a day? how many days are there in a week...how many weeks are there in a year...how many years are there in a decade.

now that i've lost my job

his words are weighing me down...i'm just a fucking loser.

i've learned that punching walls does not make it better.

at least i learned something.

Sunday is now a more daunting day…

Tomorrow should be work.
Nah…it’s claiming unemployment.
I don’t like living off anyone, but I have no choice at this point.
The state of California is now my new employer.
I fucking hate that.
I didn’t want to be here again.
I don’t fare well.

This can't get the best of me...

I don't want another job that I don't want to go to.

It did happen for a reason.

I just have to figure out where to go from here.

He had to be outside smoking...

I went to pick the rodeo up today...from work..not so much any more. Keith was out side smoking.

"Didn't you stop smoking???" I said

He didn't even see me.

I walked up to him...he looked up....

"Hey! you look great!"

"No, I look like shit."

"Why are you here?" he said

"The Rodeo...."

He hugged me.

I can still smell his cologne on my shirt.

I'll miss him...and that's about the only thing.