I can't sleep...

I talked to my therapist today. I told her about my doctor visit. She was outraged. She said the same thing that I thought...the doc needs to go back to school. She also said the same thing I was thinking about doing...reporting her to the medical board. That doctor was that mean.

I don't want to get any one in trouble but I also don't want any one else to go through what I went through especially when they are asking for help.

Also, if she would have listened to me I was going to ask for anti-imflamatories for my shoulder. It's like a tooth ache...that dull throb...

That's why I can't sleep.

At least she gave me xanax...ain't helping my shoulder though.

People tell me I'm mean...

I don't think I am...it's their option and I can't change their mind.

Nor do I want to.

People need to look at them selves.

I'm not saying I'm perfect...far from it.

But I'm sure as shit..not mean..

By the by....He's been creeping around again.

I want him to leave me a lone.

Please.

I had to get away today...

After the second police call on my neighbor last night and him slamming his door all day long.

I've seen too many badges.

Now there are inspectors and servers. Last night there were 5 in two separate insadances.

I went to see my friend.

It was so nice to get out of this junk yard.

I felt so free.

On the way home I got lost.

I found my way by a sign on a liquor store.

"The Light House"

I was driving him to work and he was coming off of drugs. It was early, almost 6am.

It wasn't open yet. He wanted me to open it. He was pulling me over into the passenger side by my sweater screaming "OPEN IT OPEN IT OPEN IT!!! I NEED a FUCKING beer INDIA!"

"I don't have the key Vance."

"But you always solve the problem right? You fucking cunt."

I found him a beer and yes I paid for it just to shut the prick up...didn't work.

I drove 20 miles taking him to work and he was relentless.

The speau of vomit that came out of his mouth was poetic.

When I dropped him off at work he got out of the car..door still open

He threw the empty beer can at me and said "Thanks for the beer you fucking bitch."

The 20 miles home and getting ready for work, I felt as if I was wrong.

I didn't have the key, for him.

He does...but I don't think he's ever going to find it.

Honestly, I don't think I've ever said this...here...

He's almost killed me 3 times. Those were the ones I remember.

But I can't let him steal my sunshine...that's what he always wanted.

No one can take my sunshine...

I hate the sun...

I also hate when people start a fight and I have to make it right.

It also sucks when I have the biggest balls in a surrounding of my land lord and 3 cops and I am female with the biggest balls...well, there was a female cop....no balls on her.

Chris AKA next door neighbor fled the scene...left the music blaring.

Three cops sent me into his house to turn down the music.

Because they were afraid of his dogs.

Really? I'm 120 pounds...soaking wet (Texas term)

But I know Nakoma...he is a sweety...about a 100 pound sweety...

I can't believe that Nakoma and Corbin will now be losing their lifes.

I don't give a fuck about Chris and Nick.

If that makes any sense.

I went to the doc on tuesday...

I went for an anti-depressant that I really didn’t want to take but after a 5 or 6 day anxiety attack I thought it was time.

I thought I was having a fucking heart attack…for 5 or 6 days.

Yes, I waited that fucking long.

I might as well have just dug my own grave and had a heart attack and fallen in to it after seeing this fucking bitch.

Wow…. I was actually stunned.

It took every thing in my fucking Godamn being to get there and I waited for an hour.

I’m going to cut a 30 min office visit to as little time as possible.

She came in and introduced herself and looked through my file.

“Wow, you’ve been coming here since ’98.”

Me: Yes.

“Ah, Dr. Fisher was your doctor.”

Me: Yes.

“So what can I do for you today?”

Me: Well, I’ve been though an abusive relationship and my therapist said that I might need ant-depressants that calm anxiety.

“Well, which one? Did she give you a name?”

Me: Well she did but I don’t remember them…she said my GP would know.

“I’m not a therapist…but if Dr. Fisher was still here I’m sure he would know what to prescribe you he was the one that had all the patience’s with mental illnesses.”

After that I was speechless.

“You’re unemployed?”

Me: Yes

“So what are you going to do about a job?”

Me: uh…find one.

“How long were you with this guy?”

Me: a decade

“WHY?”

Me: manipulation

“huh”

Me: Can you at least give me a prescription for xanax so I can calm down?

“Yes, but be very careful because it’s really addictive. Since you are unemployed I’ll give you enough if your insurance runs out. I’ll give you 120 pills. While you’re here though lets do some blood work.”

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea…it took every thing I had get….

She already had me in the hall down to the blood room where 6 viles were there…oh hell no.

I walked out.

No I have to vent.

That fucking BITCH. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? REALLY?

There are like 5 other doctors there….hmmmm….maybe a medical book you can look at to give me a pill for anxiety?

No, just send a sister off with 120 script for xanax and tell me it addictive and can kill me… all I wanted was help...all it did was make me worse.

Happy Black Sunday Campers...

Hope every male in America that has a wife or a girlfriend has their X's and O's in check. Heh.

I've never been a fan of this holiday...actually who made it a holiday?

Oh yeah...hallmark and florists...

Any who...

On a side note...I'm back.

I've been having an anxiety attack for about...eh...5 or 6 days. All in a days work right?

I came to realize...I'm not crazy...

Not being able to breathe was making me crazy.

The reason I couldn't breathe is I've been huddled in a ball for too long...

I guess the chest muscles constrict which makes it hard to breathe when you finally find the will to.

I guess I can only play dead for about a decade...if he couldn't see me breathing then he left me the fuck alone.

I made a huge break through and my therapist is on vacation...only me...heh.

I hate to type this but I feel I have to for some strange reason.

I am a survivor of domestic violence.

And he was fabulous at it.

Oxygen is a good thing...

I'm starting to understand that.

If I can take the smallest step.

To breathe...

Then I will live.

THISISHOWMYNIGHTISGOING...

Breath...

And try to understand that the world is as beautiful as a person makes it.

People are making it really hard for me to keep up the concept of...

what really matters...

You know what? Life for me is simple.

People make it complicated...

All you have to do is walk out the door and look at the world.

Every one tells me it's ugly.

It only is if you make it.

The three FFF

Flight, Freeze or Fight.

I've been frozen for about a week.

Flight is not an option.

last option...

fight.

Big scary yellow thing didn't change shit...and i mean shit.

I am fascinated by the way men are so strong in the battle....then walk away.

I live here. Now I have a Shit strom coming because of stupid assholes.

Again...I stand alone.

I didn't start this but I'll end it.

They have woken a beast.

Hi!

My Landlord got severed today...

I guess we can't live in sewage any more.

Had to wear my rattlers boots tonight...

The cowboy boots that come to the knee.

They don't usually bite you above that. The snakes. that is.

I stood in PUSSYLAND.

Two men...wearing snadels?

I stood in sewege..the smell..

The men?

What men?

I stood in shit.

I had a shovel for god shakes.

They didn't help...TWO MEN,