No wonder most people don't go to college...

It's fucking expensive. My fees were waved for all my classes, thank you California. Unfortunately, books are a different matter. The book for my food sanitation class is $115.94. One of the pages is worth $64.00. People actually steal theses books. That's why the chef said to write your name on the one page because it is the test page for the sanitation license.

I have home work but I don't have any books. My Mom said she would help me buy them. I don't want to take the money but it looks like I might have to.

My unemployment is on hold and my financial aid for school hasn't come through yet. I have $284.00 in the bank and the power bill is due. My brother sent me money to make rent.

My first day of school was a fucking nightmare. I almost didn't go. The panic attack was so extreme that I could barely walk, hell I could barely get dressed. I didn't know if I would make it. Where is Xanax when you need it?

I threw up on the bus...MTA that is. I threw up 5 times at school. In stairwells, behind buildings and then I finally found the bathrooms. That's how bad I have panic attacks.

When I finally got home at 8:00 I was fucking dead to the world, but I made it.

I am a college student and I will beg, borrow and steal (or pawn) to make it work.

I'm actually out in the real world now. People are nice there. I'm not use to that.

By the way...Vance called on Saturday. He didn't leave a message. How does he always know when I'm happy? He always wanted to take my sunshine away. Fucking prick. Hopefully, some day the shaking will stop. One sight of his name on the caller ID makes my whole body start to tremble. He almost fucking killed me and he knows where I live. He's not done with me yet.

I think I'm different now. There will be no hesitation to call 911. Domestic violence is so fucked up. It makes women look stupid and I'm not stupid but he always told me I was.

I'm tired of living in the past but I'm sure it will still haunt me at times.

I'm happy now. I do want to be a chef but the art class is so fabulous! My dream, when I found my father's oil set was to be an artist. Eh...I guess art and cooking go hand in hand.

I think the point of this blog is I'm scared and happy all at the same time.

I think I like it.