Tired…
Today is a day I want to forget... I rarely say this.
I’m fucking sick…xanax isn’t even working.
My panic attack that started this morning has subsided to a low hummmm….which makes me more insane.
Wwwwhhhhooosssshhhh….11am...all I wanted to do was smoke.
No warning…I wasn’t thinking about a fucking thing.
It engulfed me. My hands stared to shake. I could see my shirt moving from the pounding of my heart.
Then the tornado of thoughts came.
Random…insane thoughts.
Fucking take me away…straight jacket.
Hey, lock me away, free food, free medication and I don’t have to deal with life. Sounds good to me.
I’m going to see a therapist next week but I have found one for free that I might be able to see sooner than a paycheck.
I fucking adore people that can walk through this world and be unsked. I however, can’t do that.
I’m starting to crack.
This is not me. I have to buck it up...but bucking it up is getting harder by the hour…minute…second.
I’m fucking sick…xanax isn’t even working.
My panic attack that started this morning has subsided to a low hummmm….which makes me more insane.
Wwwwhhhhooosssshhhh….11am...all I wanted to do was smoke.
No warning…I wasn’t thinking about a fucking thing.
It engulfed me. My hands stared to shake. I could see my shirt moving from the pounding of my heart.
Then the tornado of thoughts came.
Random…insane thoughts.
Fucking take me away…straight jacket.
Hey, lock me away, free food, free medication and I don’t have to deal with life. Sounds good to me.
I’m going to see a therapist next week but I have found one for free that I might be able to see sooner than a paycheck.
I fucking adore people that can walk through this world and be unsked. I however, can’t do that.
I’m starting to crack.
This is not me. I have to buck it up...but bucking it up is getting harder by the hour…minute…second.
posted by iamfallingfromgrace at 3:39 AM
3 Comments:
India...I only know you from what you write...
...I can't claim to know what's best...
That being said, I'm going to type the following statement as if I did:
It's time to move away from there...far, far, away..
After a while you learn the subtle
differences between holding a hand
& carrying a soul,
& you learn that love doesn't mean leaning & company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that
kisses aren't contracts
& presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up & your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much;
so plant your own garden, & decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure... that you really are strong, & that you really do have worth.
India-
Don't know where this came from, but I have it on my fridge...
Love you.
Megan
I'm not moving far, far away.
I'm not waiting for someone to bring me flowers all I ask for is kindness.
And thank you both for that.
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