It spins around…

So fast that I can’t even stop it.

Things that I want to happen don’t happen and things that don’t want to happen, happen.

To tell “me” the honest truth…which I haven’t been listening to myself, I’m in deep shit. So deep that even fucking Tinkerbelle can’t take me away.

I’m trying to clean up my past without the means, knowledge or courage.

Courage comes in...with self help. This I can find when I’m not so fucking tired. Means and knowledge comes in with 3 letters. If you think hard enough you will find the few things in life that just…have…three…letters. No…I’m not wanted.

I guess the reason I have exploded about shit no one understands is…I’m tired.

I fought for so long and now I’m in shit…and for what? Heh…he’s still here…I’m still paying every fucking day for the mistake I made.

I’m being chased for a relationship that has been over for three years…and one that I paid for 13 years. Which looks likes it’s going to be 17 now.

I made a mistake and borrowed money from a higher power. I pushed the envelope to support me and Vance and I often wondered why.

I know now, it was for survival.

Honestly, it wasn’t just me it was Candee, Secko, Lunch, Ripley and Sache.

The last few weeks have brought up memories that have totally just “skipped my mind” ain’t that pretty.

I’ve realized that the damage wasn’t just done to me nor my pocket book…he will live in forever as DD.

I can’t believe that I am remembering the worst now. I thought I did that when this blog started.

shit.

Do I get a do over?