Noah on speed.
My next door neighbor has started to lose his marbles.
Speed is an ugly drug.
Unfortunately, I think he is going through a form of drug induced psychosis and it seems as if it's sticking...which isn't good.
He thinks that God is talking to him. He has been talking to people on the phone constantly for two days telling them this.
Tonight I heard him say that God told him that he is Noah. He told the person on the phone that he has started documenting what day, what time and what God says to him. Oh, and also…he’s not crazy…he says that a lot.
Man…I’ve been looking at other places to live but it’s pretty expensive, even compared to what I pay. I sometimes think that my landloard should take money off my rent for the shit I put up with...then other times I think, well I had to cut my movie channels and Noah fills the void sometimes. Yes it can be that entertaining but also quite disturbing. The whole situation is unexplainable...it really is. It's a freak show next door...that's the closest I can get.
But do I really want to come home one day and see him building an ark out of cardboard boxes in the common yard?
No.
Okay…well, maybe because I’d want a picture of it. I know I’m a little sick but I’ve lived next door to the chosen prophet for sometime and for of all my pain at least I can get a picture of a cardboard ark.
Do I think it will actually happen?
Absolutely.
posted by iamfallingfromgrace at 11:35 PM
7 Comments:
Are you kidding me?? OF COURSE you want a cardboard ark! Okay, that was selfish. I want you to tell me about the cardboard arc.
Seriously though, now you know what you're dealing with. White Matter in one's brain is never good news, but it's what happens. Now, instead of yelling at him like you would any other asshole, tell him that God called and asked him to keep it down. And when he looks at you say "God loves you, and so do I." Pulling some Billy Graham ninja moves on him will do the trick.
you have 2 choices.
Write him a note and sign it God...and hey, use your very best cursive on this note!
or...
Write him a note and sign it Satan or nataS, whichever you choose. No matter, he'll understand.
In the note, ask him to move because the ark will likely get caught up in traffic downtown.
By the way, you haven't seen a quilt lying around have you? One showed up down here the other day and it was nice just to lie around on it but it's gone now.
Oh well.
Walk next door and say "I'm sorry, but the leasing company says this unit is reserved for the Lord. You'll have to exit the premises immediately...no, leave the bourbon, there's no time!"
The cardboard boxes have started to collect and he just ripped the umbrella off of his patio table.
hmmm...are you thinking what I'm thinking? Cardboard ark with a patio table umbrella...it's right down the trailer park avenue of God.
A letter is in order though...I just have to decide what it will say and what I have to make the paper from...I mean since it's from God and stuff that shit's gotta be special.
By the way Brad...it's leave the VODKA!
WWGBP?
Where would God buy paper?
Happy V-Day.
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