I have to conquer one one more thing in this move...

Joe's letters. They stay in the draw next to my bed. I do not want to touch these because I'm going to read them all, line by line and try and figure out how I could have saved him. The steps of suicide are very soft. He reached out to me. I still remember the alley we walked down when he told me "I've put my gun to my head several times but I can't pull the trigger." I didn't know he had a serious gun. Marines are licensed to carry side arms. I didn't know this. If I could take ONE second back and tell him that things are going to be okay I'd die for it. I have memories of the 21 gun salute. Ready. Aim. Fire. Ready. Aim. Fire. Ready. Aim. Fire. Then the folding of the American flag into the triangle and handed it to Irma. That shit doesn't replace your son.

i'm so fucking sick of this shit...

If I hear get over it one more time i'm going to blow my fucking brains out. Who"s here at 3:07am every night? Me. I wake up in a sweat. It's the night he actually let me go to sleep. He was standing in front of me and the clock was on the wall above his head. 3:07am. Three hours later..."Get up bitch and take me to work." The one thing that people on the out side don't understand is the threat of a person telling you that he will kill your dogs when you are at work if you even think about leaving him. After I kicked him out I nailed windows shut. That was so stupid because he just broke through the glass. People didn't know my day to day. I hid it from every one. I told them the top layer. The worst is in my nightmares.

Packing..What the fuck is that long black box?

My pool cue. My sister gave it to me. It was her "breaking cue." Ahhh the days when I would sit an watch her play pool. If a guy didn't sink a ball on the break he's fucking toast. She would clear the table. They would tilt there head...Huh? Sorry, she just kicked your ass. I look forward to playing pool with her again. I might win one game out of ten...If I'm lucky.

Calm...down...

Please stop saying this shit to me. Calm-Huh? Down-What? Six feet under? I only have one response to "Calm down." Fuck you.

"Stalked"

The girl being interviewed said that she still sleeps with one eye open. Fuck. So there is some one out there that is living by this term like me. I've been prescribed sleeping pills...eight hours of unconscious is unacceptable because I'm off guard. The best sleeping for me is my car. Keys in the ignition. Fabulous get away.

30 day notice....

To this shit hole that I have called a home for eight years. I can't wait to get as far away from here as humanly possible.