“Let it be”….

Now I know this is a Beatles song. But my grandmother’s grandmother said it long before it became a fucking song and my grandmother use to say it to me even when I was very young. I could never let things go and she knew it.

I miss the easiest way to do a lot of things. Instead of looking at it clear and simply I tend to blame myself. This makes me search for redemption or validation on the simplest of issues. I just can’t let it be.

Last night…I couldn’t let it go. I had to actually figure out how to download and post that video. I’m not stupid like he told me...right? I couldn’t do it. I failed. Hence the 4:30 in the morning when I knew I had to work in 41/2 hours. What do you think was the first thing that I thought when I woke up? Well…besides “FUCK I’m late.” Second thought was…”I’m so stupid.” You know it still comes around every now and again, just to say “HI”…just, for shit and giggles…he still lives in my head sometimes.

It’s the same with people. I now find the same thing happening. I can’t let it go. Yeah…call me crazy…I call myself that…so speak up if you feel the same…heh. I know that people sometimes don’t know how to express emotion….I don’t, but I try. But when people can’t, I’m the first person to press the issue. In a caring…In an annoying way. When something is wrong I want to know…even if it’s “I have things on my mind, I don’t feel like talking”. That’s cool. They spoke. He never spoke and suddendly…his face turned to stone…but I could see it starting to crack…the delusional indignant rage coming. It was always a true Hallmark moment.

I need people to “speak”. It’s not really too much to ask. I don’t think. I hate being left in the dark and I was for years. He never spoke…well, hell, he screamed…because it built up so long in him that he couldn’t have a normal conversation. So I ended up being the target for his rage. I got really good at it too.

The reason this all comes up, a friend of my came over tonight. I know…hehe…shocked aren’t you? I actually had a friend come over tonight. She is trying to deal with all of the same issues that I dealt with coming on a year now. It just made me smile that she was free to talk. You see, she has the same problem that I had. Silence isn’t golden…not in our world. Silence is death…however you perceive it.

We’ve been in the same place…tried…and standing in front of a firing squad in our own mind. WHY?

The mind has a lot of time to think or escape when you’re living with someone…but not really living.

My friend has just started this process. She has a HUGE road in front of her, but I feel her freedom…and…well…it makes me so FUCKING happy for her.

I forgot what it was like to feel that first taste of freedom. I remembered it today…again. My life has gone more to the curb…because I just didn’t let it be. She made me realize that I just haven’t let go of a lot of issues with him. I thought I was free but I’m not, and I probably never will be but I need to push more, try more than I’ve ever had to do before. I can only make it better…for ME.

My grandmother was saying move on….leave it behind.