A split second….
Now I know what that phrase means.
That has been my world this weekend…or someone else’s. I’m actually just sitting back and enjoying the show. I love to see how you can go from the depths of hell to the highest of high….in a split second.
Sometimes it happens to you…and sometimes you are watching it happen to someone else. Sorry…I think I’m being a bit sentimental today. But damn…I’ve got the biggest smile on my face and I just can’t believe the things that have happened this weekend.
I was so down a few days ago over basically nothing. Well, it was my own guilt. I tend to ponder the bad things in life. Thinking about what I’ve done thats wrong and just reliving it over and over again. Something so small can send me back to some of the most fucking unpleasant times in my life.
Death...that was my problem a few days ago. You see…the couple of really black posts that I did and the reason I wasn’t bringing up “honesty” was because I couldn’t be honest with myself…not even here…where no one knows who I am except for a select few.
To tell you the truth I put a lot of blame on myself for the people that have died in my life. Joe was one, but I know there was nothing that I could have done about that…I have found my peace with him.
My grandparents are quite another story. They passed 2 years apart….married for over 60 years. In the end, I wasn’t there for either. I mean I was there for the funerals but not there for them when I should have been.
I remember being at their house, I was probably about 10 we were all in the living room watching TV and something came on that made me think about them dying. I ran into the kitchen and crawled under the kitchen table. I was sobbing. My grandfather came in. He knelt down and asked why I was crying. I guess in my little brain I had just realized that people die and since they were older, I knew at that moment, I would be here when they passed away.
He asked me what was wrong…I told him “Ya’ll are going to die one day?” He said “Yes, we are, but hopefully not anytime soon”. He held out his hand and said “Come with me I have something to show you.” He took me out to the garage and opened up this box that had an amazing device it in. It was a gauge that semi predicted where fish could be. (We use to go fishing all the time). He explained it to me…it was so cool. It was one of the few times I spent alone with my grandfather. He said “Now don’t go off telling your brother and sister that I showed you this, I want it to be our secret.”
The next day we went fishing. When he pulled out that device and my brother and sister saw it they were in awe. He looked up at me a winked.
My grandmother and grandfather were two of the most amazing people in my life and I felt as if I let them down in some way. They helped me so much and I feel that I didn’t help them at all when they really needed it.
I guess that will take some time and I have to work it out. I think this weekend has brought out something in me that might help me do that.
Life is too short to be miserable. I mean God knows I can always find the dark side of life…and don’t expect all smiley faces and sunshine here because you will be tragically disappointed. But my friend showed me something.
Things can change in a split second. Things changed for her as well as me this weekend.
God dammit this weekend was great! It’s going to be hard to go back to the real world tomorrow. Because the shit that I’ve seen this weekend was like fucking Tinkerbelle and Peter Pan….hell Captain Hook didn’t even come into play. That’s amazing in my world.
That has been my world this weekend…or someone else’s. I’m actually just sitting back and enjoying the show. I love to see how you can go from the depths of hell to the highest of high….in a split second.
Sometimes it happens to you…and sometimes you are watching it happen to someone else. Sorry…I think I’m being a bit sentimental today. But damn…I’ve got the biggest smile on my face and I just can’t believe the things that have happened this weekend.
I was so down a few days ago over basically nothing. Well, it was my own guilt. I tend to ponder the bad things in life. Thinking about what I’ve done thats wrong and just reliving it over and over again. Something so small can send me back to some of the most fucking unpleasant times in my life.
Death...that was my problem a few days ago. You see…the couple of really black posts that I did and the reason I wasn’t bringing up “honesty” was because I couldn’t be honest with myself…not even here…where no one knows who I am except for a select few.
To tell you the truth I put a lot of blame on myself for the people that have died in my life. Joe was one, but I know there was nothing that I could have done about that…I have found my peace with him.
My grandparents are quite another story. They passed 2 years apart….married for over 60 years. In the end, I wasn’t there for either. I mean I was there for the funerals but not there for them when I should have been.
I remember being at their house, I was probably about 10 we were all in the living room watching TV and something came on that made me think about them dying. I ran into the kitchen and crawled under the kitchen table. I was sobbing. My grandfather came in. He knelt down and asked why I was crying. I guess in my little brain I had just realized that people die and since they were older, I knew at that moment, I would be here when they passed away.
He asked me what was wrong…I told him “Ya’ll are going to die one day?” He said “Yes, we are, but hopefully not anytime soon”. He held out his hand and said “Come with me I have something to show you.” He took me out to the garage and opened up this box that had an amazing device it in. It was a gauge that semi predicted where fish could be. (We use to go fishing all the time). He explained it to me…it was so cool. It was one of the few times I spent alone with my grandfather. He said “Now don’t go off telling your brother and sister that I showed you this, I want it to be our secret.”
The next day we went fishing. When he pulled out that device and my brother and sister saw it they were in awe. He looked up at me a winked.
My grandmother and grandfather were two of the most amazing people in my life and I felt as if I let them down in some way. They helped me so much and I feel that I didn’t help them at all when they really needed it.
I guess that will take some time and I have to work it out. I think this weekend has brought out something in me that might help me do that.
Life is too short to be miserable. I mean God knows I can always find the dark side of life…and don’t expect all smiley faces and sunshine here because you will be tragically disappointed. But my friend showed me something.
Things can change in a split second. Things changed for her as well as me this weekend.
God dammit this weekend was great! It’s going to be hard to go back to the real world tomorrow. Because the shit that I’ve seen this weekend was like fucking Tinkerbelle and Peter Pan….hell Captain Hook didn’t even come into play. That’s amazing in my world.
posted by iamfallingfromgrace at 1:02 PM
1 Comments:
that's sweet. i love that you shared that story of you and your grandpa.
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