My roommate said I am deppressed...

humm....poor, yes...depressed, no.

He said that he thinks one day he will walk in to me dead.

No. that shit won't happen and don't tell me it will.

People make one mistake when the talk to another person...

they assume they know what the other person is thinking...and they push it.

No one knows what any one is thinking...you can only imagine but you can never guess.

people need to stop guessing.

Hey, I may be dark but my sunshine ain't gonna end anytime soon.

I think every one else is dark...

that's just my guess...heh

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

The ham was excellent…Coke(soda that is) does wonders for it…butter never hurts, nor did the juice from the sweet potatos.
Pumpkin pie…hey wait! Isn’t there cool whip?

I forgot about that!
Later tonight I think.

Funny thing happened today. I called my Ma and we started talking about my options job wise. I told her that I was thinking about going to culinary school.
Man…

“You didn’t make it through community college what makes you think you could do that, you can’t.”

I let it go and wished her a happy thanksgiving, told her I loved her and hung up.

She called me back.

“Hey…I forgot to ask you what you wanted for Christmas.”

“I’ll send you a penny if you send me a set of knives.” That is a Texas thing by the way…you have to buy knives…even if it is just a penny.

“Or just a paring knife. Aren’t those cheap?”

“Yes, India…they are.”

I did not apologize this time because I did nothing to justify it.

By the way…I looked up paring knifes…
I never knew a knife could be beautiful.

Art and food…fabulous!

I feel like I’m losing my mind…

I am lashing out at the people I love the most.

I don’t know what else to do.

I’m angry, I’ve been that way for a while. It’s hard to untame the savage beast, when it’s been trained so well.

I can’t eat, I can’t sleep…it pisses me off.

Hell, I wake up before the mice do.

Little bastards…

Hypervigilance

Can you imagine...every second of your day...looking over your shoulder.

My therapist said that word and I could never get it right...i could never even explain what it was.

It's funny, I told my roommate I was exhausted.

I am on guard 24/7.

I don't sleep...and when I do...I'm still awake.

Because you never know...

My $45 Blackberry Pearl...

That I bought a month ago...heh...before the layoff. It was missing a trackball. I've been waiting a month for the right parts. They came last night.

Ahhhhhh.....the camera actually has a flash and a 1 gig sd card. I can save 1,000 pictures with no problem.

It melts my heart.

I can take pictures again.

Funny...my current cell phone is 4mp.

The photos are for shit.

This one. 1.4mp and they are fabulous.

Sometimes smaller is better...

Sometimes blurr is better...

Sometimes you just don't give a fuck.

And pretty is all that there is.

I know that I need to buck it up...

and I will.

i just want to scream...

i can't even use caps to say that shit.

it's like a wave in my mind...it keeps crashing...over and over and over...

it makes me cry.

i couldn't save him and in the end i'm the one drowning.

whore, cunt you fucking piece of shit...you are worthless and weak. no one could ever love some thing as disgusting as you. you're a drama queen you fucking cunt, thats all you want is attention that's all you ever wanted you fucking bitch.

took him 10 seconds to say that. how many seconds are in a minute, how many minutes are in an hour..how many hours are there in a day? how many days are there in a week...how many weeks are there in a year...how many years are there in a decade.

now that i've lost my job

his words are weighing me down...i'm just a fucking loser.

i've learned that punching walls does not make it better.

at least i learned something.

Sunday is now a more daunting day…

Tomorrow should be work.
Nah…it’s claiming unemployment.
I don’t like living off anyone, but I have no choice at this point.
The state of California is now my new employer.
I fucking hate that.
I didn’t want to be here again.
I don’t fare well.

This can't get the best of me...

I don't want another job that I don't want to go to.

It did happen for a reason.

I just have to figure out where to go from here.

He had to be outside smoking...

I went to pick the rodeo up today...from work..not so much any more. Keith was out side smoking.

"Didn't you stop smoking???" I said

He didn't even see me.

I walked up to him...he looked up....

"Hey! you look great!"

"No, I look like shit."

"Why are you here?" he said

"The Rodeo...."

He hugged me.

I can still smell his cologne on my shirt.

I'll miss him...and that's about the only thing.

got laid off....

not suprised.

It's starting to sink in now.

I saw it coming.

I don't want to go back in to the torment of being unemployed.

I also don't want to go back in to advertising.

At the tender age of 44 I think I want something more.

I'm tired and I don't want to be tired like this any more.

I don't want to live the rest of my life doing some thing I don't want to do.

My career was by chance not by choice.

When it's busy, I control every thing...

When it's slow.............

I'm bored.

I'll miss the people more than the job.

Where I go from here is endless.

Selfish or Altruism…

Main Entry: self·ish
Pronunciation: \_sel-fish\
Function: adjective
Date: 1640
1 : concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others_2 : arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others _3 : being an actively replicating repetitive sequence of nucleic acid that serves no known function ; also : being genetic material solely concerned with its own replication

Altruism
al_tru_ism [al-troo-iz-uhm]

Use altruism in a Sentence
–noun
1.
the principle or practice of unselfish concern for or devotion to the welfare of others (opposed to egoism ).
2.
Animal Behavior. behavior by an animal that may be to its disadvantage but that benefits others of its kind, as a warning cry that reveals the location of the caller to a predator.

Funny…I was going to post “Selfish or Altruism which one are you?”

Then I found that selfish out weighs altruism.

Even at your neighborhood internet dictionary.

Or maybe we only need one line to describe us.

My new stove…

My front neighbor gave it to me as they were moving out. He was going to kick it to the curb.

It’s massive…

The Lotus of stoves.

This thing is fucking beautiful.