My dog has been really sick.

When Robert was worried I almost lost my mind. I've never seen a sister vomit in her water bowl. It was bad.

After a trip to the vet she's fine. She was just really hot and in a lot of pain. Her hips however are a different story. I gave her two pain pills today. She's resting but I don't think that she feels well.

I always imagine me having a magic wand and I guess I do in a certain sense but I can't take away her pain.

Isn't that what magic wands are for?

This is weird.

Because I don't give a shit. My bed is broken, my right arm doesn't want to function the way I want it to.

How many advils can you take in a day? My doc said 24. I think I've gone over that.

The only way I'm surviving is vodka. It dulls the pain. I have vicodin...yuck...it makes me sick.

Not again. I spent 3 years of misery over this shit.

I guess I'll have to do it all over again. Learning how to write with pen and paper. My left hand is up for the challenge, as always.

You can't live this nightmare with out being broken.

He showed up. I actually let him in to my house. He hasn't changed. He was also pissed that I was going to school to be a chef.

My roommate wants him to show up when he's home...that shit isn't going to happen. Vance is a coward that beats women to make him feel stronger.

He's still homeless.

What I have learned in this world is you can't fix some one that is terminally broken.

He did break me but I'm smart enough to push through.

24 /7 that asshole was on my ass for no reason. 24 phone calls in one minute? Yes, it is possible. People don't believe me.

After seeing him the words come back. "Stupid fucking bitch" and those words are repeating in my brain...over and over and over. Or "Stupid fucking cunt".

He was relentless. He would wake me up in the middle of the night screaming at me.

That's why I sleep with one eye open if I can sleep at all.

You know what? I am a stupid fucking cunt for trying to fix him.

it hurts to blink..

I kicked my mugs ass. At least I got a natural form of botox, I can't even lift my eye brows. My right eye is now coming on a second shiner.

The funny thing is when Vance use to hit me I'd say "My face hurts!" He would say..."yeah...it's killing me."

At least this one was on my own terms. I slipped and fell and my face hurts, oh and my hair hurts.

Yeah, I hit the noggin that bad.

I was washing the dogs and I busted my face.

It was wet and slippery. I hit the frame of the front door. I am going to have a black eye...and again a broken nose.

Shit.

Shit...

I can't sleep, again.

I've slept one hour in 48 hours. Kill me now. I can't see right.

I know why...I'm scared. I'm going to college.

How will I support my self?

1234 I don't need your fucking war.

It's a Vance chant. Another one kicked in today. I know I have OCD...heh...don't we all in some form?

3. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. 3. Stop killing me.

That's the night he almost killed me...one of the many times.

He had me on the floor in the living room. He said "Die Bitch! Just fucking die, PLEASE."

He screamed please. He was killing me. Sorry, he wanted me to die.

I've never told any one this because people don't want to hear it.

I blacked out. He got me that good.

I never thought any one could take me down. Yeah...that small ass mother fucker took me down. Rage.

We have all faced death, I was just stupid enough to live with it.

He has a heart, as black as it is I just hope he finds it.