Does the brain heal itself like the body?
I was thinking about this on the way home from work. When you hurt yourself….break a bone…skin a knee your body immediately takes over to repair it. What about when the brain is "emotionally" wounded? Does it heal itself?
I’m going to try and explain this and hope it makes sense. It made sense when I was thinking about it but that was a few hours ago.
I know that I should stop talking about DD but he’s the whole reason I started writing again and why I initially started this blog. Maybe things do happen for a reason. Anyway, that’s beside the point or maybe it's not.
After we first broke up…I was a wreck…an emotional fucking nightmare. A lot of people told me to “seek help”. It’s not that I didn’t believe in therapy I just didn’t think I could bring myself to tell a complete stranger about the last 9 years of my life and what I went through…and now that I think back I didn’t even know what I had been through. The only things that really knew what had happened were my fingers…that’s when I started to write down all the stories and what had happened over that span of time. It eventually made me see. Was that my brain…making my fingers itch to write it all down, to make me understand…or should I say, make my “conscience” mind understand?
Honestly, writing all this crap saved what little sane part of my mind that was left.
Now, however it has moved to more parts of my life than just the keyboard. I’ve spoken about T here lately and the phone calls. I haven’t talked to her in a couple of weeks. I have no desire to speak with her to tell you the truth. Another friend, just recently, the same thing has started happening. I have no desire to talk to her as well. I thought at first it was just another funk that I was going through but on the way home I realized it wasn’t. I started comparing the two and their similar traits. Both, in a round about kind of way, think that they are experts on many things. Both try and tell me what to do…or how they know what I’m thinking or feeling and both can be extremely overbearing at times. All these traits lived in DD. Now I know everyone can be this way. Hell, I’ll be the first to say I can….but not on a daily basis. I just started wondering if I gravitated towards these people because he was that way and I felt I needed that in my life and after he was gone I was so sick to death of it and left half crazy that my brain has just said….simply….no more.
DD told me to do everything the way he wanted it, when he wanted and never failed to tell me if he thought I was doing something wrong or looked the wrong way for that matter. He assumed things about me or what I was thinking with no proof behind it just because he thought he was that smart and intuitive.
Of course the first couple of guys I dated after we split had these exact same qualities as him. They, in all human terms, dumped me but when I think back it was a little different. I MADE them dump me. I actually started speaking up when they would make a comment like he would and to tell you the truth get really ugly about it. They would call and want to go out and I started finding excuses. Eventually both very short term relationships came to a sudden end. Was that my brain again making me make them leave without me really knowing it?
I haven’t done this since. I semi-dated one guy a few months ago and yeah, he has some of the same traits but I didn’t go freaky on him. I just took it with a grain of salt and let it go. I talked to my friends about it for days…..but that’s just a normal female.
Now I think my brain has taken it to the next level. I have my friends that when I see them on the caller ID I don’t have a problem answering, but the 2 in question I can’t, I just can’t bring myself to answer the phone. I guess I can’t until I can find it somewhere in my heart to tell them if you do this to me again I can’t be your friend anymore. Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I’m the greatest thing since the IPOD (I almost said sliced bread…just thought I’m modernize it a bit…hehe) but I don’t want to be bullied anymore and I don’t think anyone deserves to be…especially by a friend.
My point after this enormous blog is….
Is my brain actually pulling everything together and trying to make itself whole again?
Or am I just fucking crazy?
I’m going to try and explain this and hope it makes sense. It made sense when I was thinking about it but that was a few hours ago.
I know that I should stop talking about DD but he’s the whole reason I started writing again and why I initially started this blog. Maybe things do happen for a reason. Anyway, that’s beside the point or maybe it's not.
After we first broke up…I was a wreck…an emotional fucking nightmare. A lot of people told me to “seek help”. It’s not that I didn’t believe in therapy I just didn’t think I could bring myself to tell a complete stranger about the last 9 years of my life and what I went through…and now that I think back I didn’t even know what I had been through. The only things that really knew what had happened were my fingers…that’s when I started to write down all the stories and what had happened over that span of time. It eventually made me see. Was that my brain…making my fingers itch to write it all down, to make me understand…or should I say, make my “conscience” mind understand?
Honestly, writing all this crap saved what little sane part of my mind that was left.
Now, however it has moved to more parts of my life than just the keyboard. I’ve spoken about T here lately and the phone calls. I haven’t talked to her in a couple of weeks. I have no desire to speak with her to tell you the truth. Another friend, just recently, the same thing has started happening. I have no desire to talk to her as well. I thought at first it was just another funk that I was going through but on the way home I realized it wasn’t. I started comparing the two and their similar traits. Both, in a round about kind of way, think that they are experts on many things. Both try and tell me what to do…or how they know what I’m thinking or feeling and both can be extremely overbearing at times. All these traits lived in DD. Now I know everyone can be this way. Hell, I’ll be the first to say I can….but not on a daily basis. I just started wondering if I gravitated towards these people because he was that way and I felt I needed that in my life and after he was gone I was so sick to death of it and left half crazy that my brain has just said….simply….no more.
DD told me to do everything the way he wanted it, when he wanted and never failed to tell me if he thought I was doing something wrong or looked the wrong way for that matter. He assumed things about me or what I was thinking with no proof behind it just because he thought he was that smart and intuitive.
Of course the first couple of guys I dated after we split had these exact same qualities as him. They, in all human terms, dumped me but when I think back it was a little different. I MADE them dump me. I actually started speaking up when they would make a comment like he would and to tell you the truth get really ugly about it. They would call and want to go out and I started finding excuses. Eventually both very short term relationships came to a sudden end. Was that my brain again making me make them leave without me really knowing it?
I haven’t done this since. I semi-dated one guy a few months ago and yeah, he has some of the same traits but I didn’t go freaky on him. I just took it with a grain of salt and let it go. I talked to my friends about it for days…..but that’s just a normal female.
Now I think my brain has taken it to the next level. I have my friends that when I see them on the caller ID I don’t have a problem answering, but the 2 in question I can’t, I just can’t bring myself to answer the phone. I guess I can’t until I can find it somewhere in my heart to tell them if you do this to me again I can’t be your friend anymore. Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I’m the greatest thing since the IPOD (I almost said sliced bread…just thought I’m modernize it a bit…hehe) but I don’t want to be bullied anymore and I don’t think anyone deserves to be…especially by a friend.
My point after this enormous blog is….
Is my brain actually pulling everything together and trying to make itself whole again?
Or am I just fucking crazy?
posted by iamfallingfromgrace at 9:58 PM
3 Comments:
that makes sense.. i think the brain does help.. just like when the brain makes up split personalities to help kids/adults deal with abuse. it's to protect them.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
was going to comment here, but i'll e-mail instead.
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