Doing it in threes…
I have become increasingly concerned about a small part of my noggin…mental state of mind that is. I’ve always been a bit obsessive compulsive my whole life but certain things started to become really noticeable to me.
When I was a child I had to sleep with certain animals and have things arranged a certain way before I could go to sleep. My mom said it use to drive her nuts! I don’t do that anymore, not when it comes to going to bed. Bed, hit it, done. It has however manifested itself in other ways.
For example, when I leave my house in the morning I have to always check the back door 3 times to make sure it’s locked. Always have to kiss each dog on the snout and pat them 3 times on the head. When I finally leave the house and lock the front door I wiggle the handle 3 times before it's closed just to make sure the lock sticks before I close it and after it’s closed I have to grab the handle move it back and fourth 3 times just to be sure I can't push it open. Then I shut my security door and do the same thing again….3 times.
What happened the other day that made me notice and really scared the shit out of me is when I was checking the security door the “3rd check” just didn’t sound (sorry, security door is metal door, makes a metal on metal sound when I do this) right so I started over. 1…2…3… the third didn’t sound right again so I started over 1…2… that’s when it hit me. “What the FUCK am I doing? Doesn’t sound right? You you've got to be fucking kidding me!” With that I stopped and left for work. That’s all I thought about for the rest of the day. I did actually come to a conclusion of why. There are three of us here, my dogs and me. I think that’s where 3 comes into play. I think that if I do all these things 3 times it will keep us safe when in actuality it won’t. I know this.
This only started happening after the ex left. I think I became increasingly paranoid that he was going to try and break in the house. I have reasons to believe he would but that’s a whole other can of worms.
I got into the mind frame of “I have to protect us” and I think that this is where it’s stemming from.
I talked to Minn about it and she flatly said “Stop doing it, you know that it’s not going to save anything. You just have to stop.”
I haven’t done it for a week. I did however, catch myself this morning on #2 with the security door but I stopped, and walked away. It did cross my mind that when I got home, if I got home, there might be one less of us. Nope. We are all here. In a really hot fucking house I might add, but here none the less.
Funny the games the mind plays. Almost like it’s giving you a form of protection when in all actuality there is no protection from life.
It comes as it comes….
When I was a child I had to sleep with certain animals and have things arranged a certain way before I could go to sleep. My mom said it use to drive her nuts! I don’t do that anymore, not when it comes to going to bed. Bed, hit it, done. It has however manifested itself in other ways.
For example, when I leave my house in the morning I have to always check the back door 3 times to make sure it’s locked. Always have to kiss each dog on the snout and pat them 3 times on the head. When I finally leave the house and lock the front door I wiggle the handle 3 times before it's closed just to make sure the lock sticks before I close it and after it’s closed I have to grab the handle move it back and fourth 3 times just to be sure I can't push it open. Then I shut my security door and do the same thing again….3 times.
What happened the other day that made me notice and really scared the shit out of me is when I was checking the security door the “3rd check” just didn’t sound (sorry, security door is metal door, makes a metal on metal sound when I do this) right so I started over. 1…2…3… the third didn’t sound right again so I started over 1…2… that’s when it hit me. “What the FUCK am I doing? Doesn’t sound right? You you've got to be fucking kidding me!” With that I stopped and left for work. That’s all I thought about for the rest of the day. I did actually come to a conclusion of why. There are three of us here, my dogs and me. I think that’s where 3 comes into play. I think that if I do all these things 3 times it will keep us safe when in actuality it won’t. I know this.
This only started happening after the ex left. I think I became increasingly paranoid that he was going to try and break in the house. I have reasons to believe he would but that’s a whole other can of worms.
I got into the mind frame of “I have to protect us” and I think that this is where it’s stemming from.
I talked to Minn about it and she flatly said “Stop doing it, you know that it’s not going to save anything. You just have to stop.”
I haven’t done it for a week. I did however, catch myself this morning on #2 with the security door but I stopped, and walked away. It did cross my mind that when I got home, if I got home, there might be one less of us. Nope. We are all here. In a really hot fucking house I might add, but here none the less.
Funny the games the mind plays. Almost like it’s giving you a form of protection when in all actuality there is no protection from life.
It comes as it comes….
posted by iamfallingfromgrace at 8:45 PM
7 Comments:
Wow, well done for going cold turkey!
I have never done anything like this but I have a thing where I think I can protect myself and my family from the worst things imaginable happening if I torture myself by playng out in my head worst case scenarios. Again, I tend to do this in bed whilst trying to get some sleep. I have gone through the funerals of all my family, what songs wuld be played for each child, sobbed my heart out on my pillow because of it BUT I feel like if I do that then theres no chance of it really happening.
before I met my husband I never used to look the door on my house. Ever. I dont even know why I did that. It freaks me out now.
I guess we are all freaks in our own little ways :)
PS: by climbing frame I just mean a garden toy for my kids to climb on and slide off. Ill post a pic of it. x
india..yah! good job! i forgot to ask if you still did that. i have given up what you and i talked about.
kell, i do the funeral thing too, and then i stop myself b/c it's too sad.
why is it that we always imagine the worst in the middle of the night? i'm always thinking horrible thoughts and then i hear all sorts of things and then no sleep again...
"Freaks in our own little way"
That's a perfect saying. I just wish the "freak" in my head would take a long vacation! Maybe I can convince it to go to Hawaii!
there are three comments here, so i'd better break the chain and add a fourth.
i stress about my loved ones when they travel somewhere. when the kids are off with their mother and stepdork in another province somewhere, i find it hard to relax until they get back. same thing when they go off with their grandparents in the motorhome.
a little OCD never hurt anyone. it's when you start thinking things like "I have to turn this lightswitch off and on fifteen times or the world will explode" that you should worry.
but in all seriousness, at least you're aware of the "three" habit and have worked to kick it. good for you!
...as comments go
minus me...it's three...
heh.
Hmm I love the idea behind this website, very unique.
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Super color scheme, I like it! Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing this wonderful site with us.
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