I was going to write about something completely different than this….
But after reading a friend's blog and something he wrote earlier this week to many memories came flooding back not to write about this.
I’ve spoken about Joe here several times…about our first date and his suicide. I think I even wrote about the pen he gave me. I’ve actually wanted to post a picture of him here but thought that was disrespectful…the same as you thought James about posting Susan’s words to you.
I was very vague or maybe I never even told the ending of us before his death. Because honestly, I still blame myself for some aspects of his death.
When we were dating he decided to join the Marines. He wanted to go to college and his family didn’t have the money so he thought that was his best option at the time. His mom was against it and his dad was proud but concerned. I hated it. He would be shipped off to boot camp in California of all places. Him in California and me in Texas just didn’t sit well with me. The Marines didn’t exactly make me thrilled either. I kept asking him “Why not just the army? The Marines are so hard core.” He always replied “Because it’s the best of the best. If I’m going to do it, I want to be the best.” I still remember seeing him the night before he left. I begged him not to go. We stayed up almost until he had to leave. I think that was the night he told me he loved me.
We wrote letters to each other almost everyday. At first the letters he wrote were disturbing…it was hard for him. Joe was a small guy, probably around 5’6 140 lbs. so he got picked on a lot when he first got there. The letters would infuriate me. I couldn’t believe they were treating my Joe that way…but it was the Marines and I also knew he wasn’t telling me the half of what was going on. We sent each other packages. He would send me t-shirts that had California splattered all over them. The letters that came with them were full of love and caring. I would send him things that he missed from Texas...BBQ pictures of me and his family…and a ton of TX crap that was considered cheesy if you lived here but pretty special if you missed home.
I can’t remember how long he was gone. I want to say 6 weeks but I think it was more like 3 months. He graduated, at the top of his class which is what he was shooting for. He worked his ass of and he did it.
He called me when he got back he asked me to come over but I knew every person that was even semi related to him was at his house. I told him to go and enjoy his family and I would see him the next day. He agreed. I hung up the phone and thought there was something different.
I have to say this now. I have nothing against the military. I just think that some people aren’t made for it.
I think that Joe was one of them, he was too sensitive to be taught to kill. It changed him. He was guarded. I think that his experience had all but killed the fun loving kid in him. He was no longer 18….he was a Marine.
Not long after that we broke up. I think it was mutual. Maybe more on my side, I don’t know but we parted ways. We would talk every now and again. Then he got into the motorcycle accident. His mom use to work with my mom (that’s how Joe and I met) and she told her about it. Gave her the story and what hospital and room he was in to pass on to me.
That’s how it started back up again, me and friends sneaking into the hospital at 2am in the morning to see him. He failed to mention the fact that he had a girlfriend though. A few weeks later after he was released from the hospital and back at home I went to see him. It was my fault that I didn’t call but just stopped by. His girlfriend was there. I should have known by his mother’s face when she answered the door. I look back now and chuckle. She must have wanted to grab her rosary.
She told me Joe was in his room with his girlfriend and went to the front of the hall and called to him to tell him I was there. Neither one of them had mentioned her in the hospital and I’m surprised that I didn’t run into her there or did I? Things do get foggy but I'm pretty sure I didn't because I do remember his mother at the door of his house and I do remember a feeling of surprise to me and I think it was that day in his room due to the following events.
I went to his room and remember she was very sweet. Joe had mentioned me and told her we use to date. She had to leave for work, kissed Joe goodbye and left. Joe and I sat and talked for awhile. He seemed to be back more to the old Joe than the Marine. When I was getting ready to leave he said “I want to be with you. I will break up with her India.” I told him that he couldn’t do that to her it wasn’t fair. Because he had told me though that conversation that he loved her and she had been by his side the whole time after the accident and him loosing his best friend.
That’s one of the questions that still haunts me. What if I would have said “Yes…dump her, it’s you and me kid!” Would he still be alive? Also, if he wouldn’t have gone through boot camp would he have even been able to obtain a gun much less know exactly where to point it to know for sure it would kill him?
I do cry sometimes when I write about him, tonight is one of those nights. I didn’t think this was going to turn into such a long blog and especially not such a painful one. But it’s rare that I cry when I think of him. I try and block out the accident…the incidents leading up to his suicide and the funeral.
I remember the Joe before the Marines before all the crap. As I’ve said every time I hear a “Cars” song I think of him and smile. Even after 22 years and for 22 years since we dated when one of their songs plays my mind instantly goes to him.
Me and him in his Mustang driving back from ….I think it was a Rodeo…and me pulling out my book and the pen he gave me and writing what a good day I was having with him. He asked me what I was writing and I told him. “Just writing about what a great day I had with you today.” He smiled at me and said “How’s the pen by the way? Do you like it?” “I love it” I said “By the way” he said “I had a great time with you too” then he grabbed my hand and squeezed it.
That is the day I remember and it makes me smile every time I think about it. Everything does change even when we don’t want it to. What would have happened between us if he was still here? Who knows and I can’t even begin to guess.
All I know is he’s a person that I was so privileged to have in my life, if only for a few years. You don’t ever forget the feelings that you had...being frozen in that time of pure joy and then pure pain. It makes us who we are. We never forget them.
I loved him and I still do. He was always able to make me smile and he can still can.
I’ve spoken about Joe here several times…about our first date and his suicide. I think I even wrote about the pen he gave me. I’ve actually wanted to post a picture of him here but thought that was disrespectful…the same as you thought James about posting Susan’s words to you.
I was very vague or maybe I never even told the ending of us before his death. Because honestly, I still blame myself for some aspects of his death.
When we were dating he decided to join the Marines. He wanted to go to college and his family didn’t have the money so he thought that was his best option at the time. His mom was against it and his dad was proud but concerned. I hated it. He would be shipped off to boot camp in California of all places. Him in California and me in Texas just didn’t sit well with me. The Marines didn’t exactly make me thrilled either. I kept asking him “Why not just the army? The Marines are so hard core.” He always replied “Because it’s the best of the best. If I’m going to do it, I want to be the best.” I still remember seeing him the night before he left. I begged him not to go. We stayed up almost until he had to leave. I think that was the night he told me he loved me.
We wrote letters to each other almost everyday. At first the letters he wrote were disturbing…it was hard for him. Joe was a small guy, probably around 5’6 140 lbs. so he got picked on a lot when he first got there. The letters would infuriate me. I couldn’t believe they were treating my Joe that way…but it was the Marines and I also knew he wasn’t telling me the half of what was going on. We sent each other packages. He would send me t-shirts that had California splattered all over them. The letters that came with them were full of love and caring. I would send him things that he missed from Texas...BBQ pictures of me and his family…and a ton of TX crap that was considered cheesy if you lived here but pretty special if you missed home.
I can’t remember how long he was gone. I want to say 6 weeks but I think it was more like 3 months. He graduated, at the top of his class which is what he was shooting for. He worked his ass of and he did it.
He called me when he got back he asked me to come over but I knew every person that was even semi related to him was at his house. I told him to go and enjoy his family and I would see him the next day. He agreed. I hung up the phone and thought there was something different.
I have to say this now. I have nothing against the military. I just think that some people aren’t made for it.
I think that Joe was one of them, he was too sensitive to be taught to kill. It changed him. He was guarded. I think that his experience had all but killed the fun loving kid in him. He was no longer 18….he was a Marine.
Not long after that we broke up. I think it was mutual. Maybe more on my side, I don’t know but we parted ways. We would talk every now and again. Then he got into the motorcycle accident. His mom use to work with my mom (that’s how Joe and I met) and she told her about it. Gave her the story and what hospital and room he was in to pass on to me.
That’s how it started back up again, me and friends sneaking into the hospital at 2am in the morning to see him. He failed to mention the fact that he had a girlfriend though. A few weeks later after he was released from the hospital and back at home I went to see him. It was my fault that I didn’t call but just stopped by. His girlfriend was there. I should have known by his mother’s face when she answered the door. I look back now and chuckle. She must have wanted to grab her rosary.
She told me Joe was in his room with his girlfriend and went to the front of the hall and called to him to tell him I was there. Neither one of them had mentioned her in the hospital and I’m surprised that I didn’t run into her there or did I? Things do get foggy but I'm pretty sure I didn't because I do remember his mother at the door of his house and I do remember a feeling of surprise to me and I think it was that day in his room due to the following events.
I went to his room and remember she was very sweet. Joe had mentioned me and told her we use to date. She had to leave for work, kissed Joe goodbye and left. Joe and I sat and talked for awhile. He seemed to be back more to the old Joe than the Marine. When I was getting ready to leave he said “I want to be with you. I will break up with her India.” I told him that he couldn’t do that to her it wasn’t fair. Because he had told me though that conversation that he loved her and she had been by his side the whole time after the accident and him loosing his best friend.
That’s one of the questions that still haunts me. What if I would have said “Yes…dump her, it’s you and me kid!” Would he still be alive? Also, if he wouldn’t have gone through boot camp would he have even been able to obtain a gun much less know exactly where to point it to know for sure it would kill him?
I do cry sometimes when I write about him, tonight is one of those nights. I didn’t think this was going to turn into such a long blog and especially not such a painful one. But it’s rare that I cry when I think of him. I try and block out the accident…the incidents leading up to his suicide and the funeral.
I remember the Joe before the Marines before all the crap. As I’ve said every time I hear a “Cars” song I think of him and smile. Even after 22 years and for 22 years since we dated when one of their songs plays my mind instantly goes to him.
Me and him in his Mustang driving back from ….I think it was a Rodeo…and me pulling out my book and the pen he gave me and writing what a good day I was having with him. He asked me what I was writing and I told him. “Just writing about what a great day I had with you today.” He smiled at me and said “How’s the pen by the way? Do you like it?” “I love it” I said “By the way” he said “I had a great time with you too” then he grabbed my hand and squeezed it.
That is the day I remember and it makes me smile every time I think about it. Everything does change even when we don’t want it to. What would have happened between us if he was still here? Who knows and I can’t even begin to guess.
All I know is he’s a person that I was so privileged to have in my life, if only for a few years. You don’t ever forget the feelings that you had...being frozen in that time of pure joy and then pure pain. It makes us who we are. We never forget them.
I loved him and I still do. He was always able to make me smile and he can still can.
posted by iamfallingfromgrace at 10:21 PM
2 Comments:
i've read this a few times now, and i've been sitting here trying to think of what to say.
when i look back and regret things, or look back and "what if" about stuff, i try to comfort myself with the idea that everything in my life has brought me to this point -- and therefore, events could not have unfolded any other way. if things were meant to have turned out differently... they would have. but that was then, this is now, and this is it, right? it couldn't have been different, right?
memories like this, though... i can't help but wonder.
I have made my peace tonight. I'm not sure there was anything I could do and I will stop asking myself all the questions. He is love within me and that all that matters now.
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