So…hmm...what do I have to say today…

I failed. The MRI that is. We won’t go into the other things I’ve failed at…one failure at a time, please.

M took me yesterday. I was ready for the worst. “I can do this” I thought “No problem”. Just like Minn told me “Barbie says you’re braver than you think you are”. Fuck Barbie.

I couldn’t do it…sad to think that a plastic doll is stronger than me.

I absolutely… positively…freaked out. I am a very soft spoken person…corner me and I will scream. I screamed. When I walked back to the waiting room I said to M “I couldn’t do it.” M said “Were you the one screaming?” Yup…that would be me.

“Can’t do this, can’t do this…let me out, let me out...LET ME OUT!!!!!” Didn’t know I was screaming…it was not a conscience thought by the way….just started screaming …broke out in a sweat, face turned many colors of red and after he pulled me out of the depths of hell my whole body was shaking. He said “I haven’t had one of you for a while. I’ve been doing this for 22 years and I know you’re going to need Valium for this.” I can do Valium…the one pill I like.

Now I just feel weak….I couldn’t do it. I’m such a fucking pansy ass.

I can fix cars…support people that shouldn’t be supported …I do things that normal girls wouldn’t do. But I can’t take this? How fucked up is that shit.

I’ve never felt terror like that in my life. Pain I accept…terror…not so much.