I think I’m a little upset….
Disgust…retribution…amazement…boredom…hate…denial… disbelief.
It seems I feel this way sometimes after physical therapy. Something about someone pushing on me and invading my space. I hate that beyond…fuck…I don’t know.
It’s like a searing in my bones. It takes almost everything in my power not to grab her hand and tell her to stop. But this is suppose to help me…make me feel my right hand again like I should. My mom says that I can do it myself and go back to work…for once I’m not taking her advice.
I have lost control and not all at once.
These sessions twice a week have helped me….or at least made me realize things that I had no idea about myself. Today was a good one.
She hooked me up to a thingiemaggiiee…and put sensors on me that were suppose to shock to relax the muscles. Scary…I was fighting the machine. I won….and I didn’t. It’s not really helping me to fight what they are trying to fix….but I haven’t been relaxed in 10 years.
Yeah….yeah… I know…let it go right? Easier said than done….I wish it was…and I know I’m past the worst of it.
I try to keep telling myself that what I went through wasn’t that bad. I’m starting to think differently these days.
Guess there is a difference between physical beating and mental beating. He spoke poetry in the mental. I could never match him in that respect…but the physical is where I think I’m having my problem…every muscle in me is still ready to fight.
He always cornered me. I know that is a sign of a coward. He could have never done that to a man. He felt empowered that he could do to it to me. In the end…after him beating the shit out of me…he had no more power.
When I started fighting back…and found my voice…it killed him….and that came to be the end.
And now it seems I’m fighting a ghost….or my own demons…as we all do.
Maybe I should consider Yoga….
Calm….ohhh and ahhhh….I can honestly say that if the word “Relax” came out of an instructor’s mouth….
Hell….I’d probably beat them to a pulp.
Ok so maybe Yoga is not the best option at this point.
It seems I feel this way sometimes after physical therapy. Something about someone pushing on me and invading my space. I hate that beyond…fuck…I don’t know.
It’s like a searing in my bones. It takes almost everything in my power not to grab her hand and tell her to stop. But this is suppose to help me…make me feel my right hand again like I should. My mom says that I can do it myself and go back to work…for once I’m not taking her advice.
I have lost control and not all at once.
These sessions twice a week have helped me….or at least made me realize things that I had no idea about myself. Today was a good one.
She hooked me up to a thingiemaggiiee…and put sensors on me that were suppose to shock to relax the muscles. Scary…I was fighting the machine. I won….and I didn’t. It’s not really helping me to fight what they are trying to fix….but I haven’t been relaxed in 10 years.
Yeah….yeah… I know…let it go right? Easier said than done….I wish it was…and I know I’m past the worst of it.
I try to keep telling myself that what I went through wasn’t that bad. I’m starting to think differently these days.
Guess there is a difference between physical beating and mental beating. He spoke poetry in the mental. I could never match him in that respect…but the physical is where I think I’m having my problem…every muscle in me is still ready to fight.
He always cornered me. I know that is a sign of a coward. He could have never done that to a man. He felt empowered that he could do to it to me. In the end…after him beating the shit out of me…he had no more power.
When I started fighting back…and found my voice…it killed him….and that came to be the end.
And now it seems I’m fighting a ghost….or my own demons…as we all do.
Maybe I should consider Yoga….
Calm….ohhh and ahhhh….I can honestly say that if the word “Relax” came out of an instructor’s mouth….
Hell….I’d probably beat them to a pulp.
Ok so maybe Yoga is not the best option at this point.
posted by iamfallingfromgrace at 3:04 AM
1 Comments:
i think yoga would be really good for you.. bad for the instuctor..
Post a Comment
<< Home