I was outside smoking and it hit, yet again…

Then it popped into my head…I got it

Now I know where a lot of this panic is coming from.

It hurts to move on. It hurts to turn my back on someone that has so much pain that it has turned to rage.

I also realized that I have been taking care of someone for almost 13 years. He was my way of avoiding my own life. He became my life. If things went wrong I could always blame him. Well, usually it was him, but that's beside the point.

When people would come into work on Monday and start talking about their weekends and how they went out with this person or went and saw that movie or went away for the weekend all I had were Vance stories because I didn't have a life. I let him take it away. I always thought I was the one in control when in actuality he was.

Now…I'm having to face all the fuck-ups that I did to get by and step back into the real world and take care of business and I'm terrified that I will fail.

And I'm sorry to say, no matter how much of a nightmare he was I can't help but miss some aspect of him even if it's something as simple as predictability.

I have also never mourned the loss of the Vance I fell in love with because he was there at one time.

I also know that I was one of the few people in his life that he truly trusted. After they had all turned their backs on him I was the last one standing and now I have done the same. I've turned and walked away. I never thought I would be one of those people. I feel guilty about that but there is a point of self survival.

He is slowly killing himself. He can’t pull the trigger so he’s taking the painful way out. The very long way out.

And I had to turn and walk away. I can’t save his demise.

I have to move forward.