Looks like I'm going home for Christmas...

I don't want to do it but I want to see my family.

Plan and simple...they are pretty and I'm not and it makes me feel like shit when I'm there.

My frame of mind at this time.

I went to see my art professor today.

I was there to ask for an incomplete.

But I brought my art work and asked for her opinion.

She wants to help me work on my portfolio and she wants me to look in to UCLA art dept.

There is nothing more that I want in this world than to draw. The shitty part is, it doesn't pay the rent.

I've painted and drawn since I was five.

I so wanted to be a chef but art is taking over.

I don't like bad authority...

That have no right to have the power. I basically told my health professor to fuck off. Okay...I wish I would have said go fuck your self but what came out was...

"This class is a waste of my time and so are you."

Shit.

I admit I've missed classes. Three and then two more when I got the Flu. She dropped me with out contacting me. So when she called roll and I wasn't on it she said "Did I miss some one?"

"Yes."

"Your name is?"

"India Felix."

"See me after class."

That's when I exploded. The sister hasn't taught shit. I actually wait for some thing to happen in that class. It doesn't happen. Every one stands in line "against the wall, please" for her to check home work. That class is an hour and twenty minutes of standing in line.

It was a waste of my time. It was also heart wrenching to watch some one just collecting a pay check and not teaching any one.

I was so upset after that, I went to the health center on campus. Some one told me that they have therapists.

Big mistake. HUGE.

I walked in an asked for help. She was sweet but she told me to walk in her office and she will pray for me. Are you serious?

She was. You know what she told me?

"If you accept God in your life every thing will be better."

"What?"

People always blame other people...

when they have no one else to blame.

I knew there was some thing wrong with my room mate. I can donk, donk, donk, donk some one in the head for days. It's my job to get to the truth. He finally cracked. He's been on Lexapro for several months. He lost his insurance when he got laid off in August. He told me he was cutting them down....didn't need them any more.

Nope. He lied. $157 bucks a bottle.

And I'm the fucking night mare? I'm the fucking drunk? I'm the one that is verbally abusive?

No. Once he told me that it all made sense. I thought I was being a bitch but I was fighting for the truth and I got it.

Can some one speak the truth before shit gets ugly?

If he just told me it would have all made sense.

I love them...now

Just a small portion of what I painted for hours. One one leg only...it seened right.

Fuck is my favorite word and I painted it over and over and over again. I made blue look pretty.

My car wouldn't start...

Like that's a new thing. Just the last of the line that my room mate tells me I'm being a bitch.

I love that word. Hey...it always comes out when I saved the world.

GWP is paid. Phone...saved. Interent saved. $$$.

I'm sorry he thinks I'm a bitch because he doesn't have any money. I know the signs.

Just help a sister out with her car.

That would be a negative.

In my personal opinion I'd help ANY ONE fix a car.

That's why I learned to do it my self and I have AAA if all else fails.

fuck him and the ground he stands on because I'm a bitch. That was a bad word to use.

Now I fall silent.

Now it's cold in here...

Or hot. I'm back down to 101 fever.

When is this going to end? I want to take a brick to my head...does any one have a gun?

My ears are stopped up. I can't hear shit. That's a determent in my world. I can't hear if he's behind me.

Shit.

It's really hot in here...

My temperature is now at 102. Why am I typing?

Because ice cream isn't cooling me down.

I'm pissed!

It's still hot in here.

My art teacher told us to do

a self portrait. I think I nailed it.

i am falling from grace...

People don't get it. They just don't fucking get it. I have a problem and every fucker out there thinks its not real. Okay, fine.

You can't get over abuse in a couple of years...in my case it will be never. I'm learning to maintain. I strike out and people and they think that I'm just being a bitch and that pisses me off. So...I become more of a bitch.

People don't even try to comprehend...nor should they it is a waste of their fucking time.

The cool thing about what I went through is I see people in a different light.

Every one is beautiful until proven tragic.

I don't want to quit school...

but most of my classes are fucking ZZZzzz. I think I underestimated myself. Where is the challenge? I thought I was fucking stupid...guess not.

I took a health test (couldn't afford the book) I got a C. Some of the people in my class that had the book failed.

My SavandServ Culinary class...I was pissed that I got a 91 on the first test...I thought I aced it but I realized there were a few that failed it.

I don't think I'm doing to bad. Not to knock down other people but coming from a place where I think I'm really fucking stupid it makes me feel even with the masses...if that makes sense.

I like school...to a point. It's weird.

I'm buried in debt...again. What's fucking new. Does any one hear the shovel covering my grave?

But guess what? Knowledge is power.

I can't go down with out a fight...I want to be a chef.

We have until the 15th...

And then we are homeless. The electricity bill is due on the 5th we might not make that as well.

I refuse to call my brother again and ask for money. It's humiliating.

My unemployment just kicked back in so hopefully it will come in time to save us.

I'm not going to live in my car...I refuse. I can't put my girls though that. They already lived though Vance.

The panic and anxiety has reached an all time high...where is xanax when I need it. My mind goes in circles and it ends in one place...me vomiting. I fucking hate that.

Hey what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?