Linkin Park night….

He always thought I was shit.
Now, I think I am shit to everyone else.
Redemption,
I still have to find in myself.
Something he has no concept of.
He will never find the safe place I am looking for.
He only sees him.
All he knows is his pain and torment.
He offered it freely to me
He’s gone
Now it’s open season….
To the world.
It’s a free show
Pitch the tent…
The Devil is back in town.
Everyone is Welcome!


Been thinking about him lately. (Can you tell?) Still wondering if he’s safe. The random phone calls have been going on for a couple of days. It’s almost like he’s forgotten that I have caller ID or he lets the voicemail catch just enough of his background noise that I know it’s him (he’s a mover and the sound of the truck I know). Mistake? I don’t think so. He’s just giving me enough to put him back into my mind again. When everything was said and done I knew he was an asshole but by no means, was he stupid.

That’s why I had to push aside INXS and go for Linkin Park. Every song of this CD describes what I went through. Well in my mind it does.

A friend of mine told me that when he went through his divorce he went through all the negative at first. Then he started to think about the positive. He said it helped him get through the rest. It makes sense in a round about kind of way. You work from the first then figure out what went wrong.

Yahh…. see…I tried…not working for me. I remember in the first, there were a few memories that came back. Lying on the couch together watching TV. Cooking a couple of meals together. Then the whole thing just turned into a movie. He was the star and I was an extra. Aren’t the stars supposed to pay the bills??

The bad has pushed, any good, that every lived in my mind, away. I’m actually not sure there was that much good to begin with. 9 years you ask? Go figure…..

People (and who are these people anyway?) always say that it’s 50/50 in a relationship. Now, is that really true? It’s 50/50 when something ends or when it works? You are half responsible when it lives and when it dies. I want to kick some people’s asses because that shit isn’t true!

I have thought this over and over in my mind for months, because that’s just how I am. Yeah, wasting my time, I know. Anyfuckingway, I was a bitch. But did he drive me to it, or am I just a bitch? Yeah, I don’t think so. He called me that daily. Just like my grandma use to always say….”If I had a nickel for every time that was said I’d be rich.”

And fucking believe me, I’d be a fuckin’ billionaire.

If you think I’m that much of a BITCH then LEAVE. No he just wanted to call me that. I think it made him feel better about himself.

I know that everyone goes through some crap. I just don’t think it’s fair. I know that life isn’t fair but some things should be, right?

I did tell him to leave…but he didn’t listen. He had that X (unknown) factor that seemed to control me in someway. I think its called manipulation. He would always talk me into letting him stay.

He knew what he was doing I just didn’t know he was doing it to me.

Now I’m starting to understand.