14 Years of friendship down the hole….over some fucking jazz festival….

Now I hate jazz even more….

I wanted to talk about this last night….that was kind of in my last post, but certain circumstances distracted me, made me write something that was in between the two.

All for the better though, because the real demise of the friendship happened today…and yes…it was over an invitation to a jazz festival. I will never use the word jazz again.

It started with a simple email asking me if I wanted to go to this festival near my house this weekend. I declined. Very nicely I might add. I told her I didn’t really like the music that much and it was definitely too hot for me. Plus I’m broke right now.

Before I go on, I know that emails are misconstrued sometimes so I always give the other person the benefit of the doubt as to what they meant to say and how they meant to say it.

She emailed me back asking if it was just her that I didn’t want to go out with or was it really the fact of all the reason I listed. I sent her one back saying it definitely wasn’t her and it was, in fact, all the reasons I listed.

The reply I got from her shocked me. To break it down, basically what she said was I need to get out, I’m not living life, how can he still affect me, she thought that I was stronger than this, but she guessed wrong. There was more but I don’t wish to relive it nor repeat it. I’ve had enough of being judged for a while.

I sat with that last night. I didn’t call her and I didn’t email her back. I wanted to choose my words correctly and make my point clear without being quite as rude as she was to me.

So I sent her an email back this morning explaining that I didn’t want to just blatantly say no I don’t want to go, but what I said to was the truth. I didn’t want to go because of the reasons that I gave her. I told her that I am living my life but by my standards. I don’t want to go somewhere I don’t want to go. I did that for way to long with him.

I’ve said this here before and I’ve said it to her. Don’t ever think after a person goes though a break-up of any kind, you know how they feel or even think you know how they should feel or how long it will take to heal. And I would never in my life dream of saying to someone “Get over it”, which she put in one of her emails. You just never know if it’s that simple and it probably never is.

A friend’s email really helped me today (thanks sj) and a lot of my revelations about this situation came from him….I don’t want that to go unnoticed…it also kept me from crying at my desk after I read her last email.

After 14 years of friendship…the reply I got to my email trying to explain what I was going through was…

“Never email me again! Have a great day!”

Does it break my heart? Yes. Did I just cry typing that last sentence…you bet ya.

People change. Friendships should change with us. It doesn’t work if one person stays the same and another moves forward. She will never be any different than she is now. She has no reason to. She wants to find a man that can be there for her and support her in more ways than one.

I don’t. My goal in life is not to find a man. After he left, yes…I wanted someone to fill in for the pain. I found it doesn’t work that way. I’ve discovered different things. I discovered something that I might want to do for the rest of my life instead of just a job. I found feelings that I thought were dead and buried.

I want to scream to her “Yes life is what you make it, yes, it is for the living…and sister, I’ve been dead for way to long, and I have no intentions of letting someone bury me again….

not even you.”