My bed is Fantabulious!!!!
I just can’t believe it. A real bed…wow, what a concept. Ok, I’ll stop talking about it...for now.
I’ve turned a corner here. I’ve started seeing things in a new light. Things are possible. I use to be this way. I could fix every situation in my world…almost….no, that’s not true…the only thing I couldn’t fix was death. You can’t control that shit.
Somewhere along the line I forgot that….ummm…what I was. Yeah, I was the girl with the “Fuck off” t-shirt.
I lost faith in everything. The mental melt down I had was pretty bad. You can’t live with crazy and not expect to be crazy at some point. I got out just in time. Just before I went fucking insane.
It’s amazing…when I think back now…I listened to his music, he made me read his books, told me everything I believed in was wrong. Ahhhh….ain’t love grand.
I lost myself somewhere along the way…but I can’t continue to blame him.
I want to cry over the years that I was with him. I still feel bad for the smallest of things. When in actuality, I shouldn’t.
I was there. I paid the rent, all the bills, fixed his cars, physically as well as monetarily…worked my ass off, had two jobs at one point…when he had none…he didn’t even try. It was all about him. His demise. How he was doing everything wrong. How he fucked up. I just kept thinking…if you’re fucking up…stop it. Isn’t it that simple? No. It wasn’t.
He wanted someone to go down with him. I almost did…I was pretty damn close. I think that was his mission, in the end, was for me to fall, to fail, to show weakness. He just didn’t understand that I wasn’t built that way, and I think that pissed him off beyond belief.
Everyone in his life failed him, to his standards, that is. No one was good enough for him. His mom, dad, step father, sister, step sister, and me…we did everything wrong. We just weren’t good enough…for him. And every single one of us has had his wrath.
I always told him “We are a product of our environment”. He didn’t believe me. The stories he told me about his father…fuck….unbelievable. He’s just like him…hence my saying.
He lied, cheated, and stole from me….and I stood there. Why? Hell, I thought I could save him…but no one can save someone from themselves.
I’m not normal now, I think different. Well, I was never normal…truth be told, but now I see everything askew and I’m trying to change this.
Fucking asshole…sorry…just had to let that out.
It’s a fucking sweet world. Everyday is fucking magic. We are here. I guess it’s what you make of it. We have the world at our fingertips… I loose sight of that sometimes.
I love, hate, live and die in one day. That’s who I am. And I can’t comprehend people that aren’t this way.
What an epiphany on a Saturday afternoon.
I’ve turned a corner here. I’ve started seeing things in a new light. Things are possible. I use to be this way. I could fix every situation in my world…almost….no, that’s not true…the only thing I couldn’t fix was death. You can’t control that shit.
Somewhere along the line I forgot that….ummm…what I was. Yeah, I was the girl with the “Fuck off” t-shirt.
I lost faith in everything. The mental melt down I had was pretty bad. You can’t live with crazy and not expect to be crazy at some point. I got out just in time. Just before I went fucking insane.
It’s amazing…when I think back now…I listened to his music, he made me read his books, told me everything I believed in was wrong. Ahhhh….ain’t love grand.
I lost myself somewhere along the way…but I can’t continue to blame him.
I want to cry over the years that I was with him. I still feel bad for the smallest of things. When in actuality, I shouldn’t.
I was there. I paid the rent, all the bills, fixed his cars, physically as well as monetarily…worked my ass off, had two jobs at one point…when he had none…he didn’t even try. It was all about him. His demise. How he was doing everything wrong. How he fucked up. I just kept thinking…if you’re fucking up…stop it. Isn’t it that simple? No. It wasn’t.
He wanted someone to go down with him. I almost did…I was pretty damn close. I think that was his mission, in the end, was for me to fall, to fail, to show weakness. He just didn’t understand that I wasn’t built that way, and I think that pissed him off beyond belief.
Everyone in his life failed him, to his standards, that is. No one was good enough for him. His mom, dad, step father, sister, step sister, and me…we did everything wrong. We just weren’t good enough…for him. And every single one of us has had his wrath.
I always told him “We are a product of our environment”. He didn’t believe me. The stories he told me about his father…fuck….unbelievable. He’s just like him…hence my saying.
He lied, cheated, and stole from me….and I stood there. Why? Hell, I thought I could save him…but no one can save someone from themselves.
I’m not normal now, I think different. Well, I was never normal…truth be told, but now I see everything askew and I’m trying to change this.
Fucking asshole…sorry…just had to let that out.
It’s a fucking sweet world. Everyday is fucking magic. We are here. I guess it’s what you make of it. We have the world at our fingertips… I loose sight of that sometimes.
I love, hate, live and die in one day. That’s who I am. And I can’t comprehend people that aren’t this way.
What an epiphany on a Saturday afternoon.
posted by iamfallingfromgrace at 2:57 PM
4 Comments:
he is fucking asshole. please don't ever doubt that. and no one can save him.. i don't think he even deserves it anymore.
check out the album "synchestra" by the devin townsend band.
great music by which to have an epiphany.
im one of those people who hears colors, sees tastes and feels numbers. music brings out my synesthesia with a vengeance.
The drum and guitar transitions are amazing. Instead of trying to out shine each other they are following each other, playing off each other. That’s a rare trait to find in a band. I like them.
And yea...he is an asshole. And I do need to remember this.
Oh sorry...FUCKING ASSHOLE!
you're a rescuer, just like me. or, i'm a rescuer, just like you. whichever. :)
i did the same as you did with Fucking Asshole Man, with my last two relationships.
i thought "i can change them", "i can save them"... when that's just fucking nonsense.
you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. i know that now. you know that now.
but i guess you and i both had to learn this the hard way.
ah well. onward and upward, kiddo!
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