I’m a dreamer

I don’t really think that there is anything wrong with that…but some people do.

I’ve had my mother and my sister hang up on me tonight…because they just don’t want to hear it. My whole family is very hard headed. We know it all. Or at least I thought.

NO ONE…I’ll say it one more time so it’s very clear…NO ONE knows what is in my brain. K pumpkin? Shut the FUCK up. I will never again speak on a subject that I don’t know anything about.

No one understands. No one can, but they think they can. I don’t even know….I have no idea what I’ve been through…and that’s bad.

I can honestly tell you that I would love to end it…end me. I can’t go there though. I can’t do it because I’ve lived through someone else doing it, and the aftermath is horrible. Plus it’s the easy way out.

Oh how I loved Vance. I just don’t know what happened and I’m spending way to much time trying to figure it out. I’m also wasting other people’s time. I search for answers and no one can give them to me because only a select few know what I’m going through. And even they don’t know.

Ma: it wasn’t that bad…look at what I’ve lived through…and I never lost it.

That’s why I get in fights with her.

Me: Sorry Ma…can’t buck it up anymore…I’m falling apart over here.

Ma: Well, why do you talk to him then, why do you let him do this to you?

Me: I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHY!!!! DON’T YOU GET IT?????? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!!!!!

Ma: You’re being irrational.

Me: Ya think?

Ma: India, I’ve raised ya’ll and been though a lot, and I just don’t understand why you can’t see that he’s just mean.

I call my family or friends to talk. I think that…well…people will understand. Not this one. They are tired, just like I am. They have heard it all before. They keep thinking that I’m still going to talk to him. No. I can’t. I know it takes people awhile to believe a person that has been how I’ve been, but they should know by now I’m serious.

I don’t understand a lot of things but I’m tired of fighting and I’m tired of trying.

Yea, I’m fucked up and I know it. I’m working through it and I will never talk to him again unless it’s an unexpected encounter…even then…I don’t want to know him.

I’m going to post this picture…maybe to mark his death in my world…

I still see someone good…and it blows me away…because he’s just…not.

I wanted to write an ending line...I don't have one...