There is something that I really have to talk about…

I’ve said this before here but I’m going to say it one more time to explain the point I am trying to make.

I stared this blog because of Vance. I said in a recent post that things were done. I have closed this chapter in my life. I can no longer have someone in my life that treats me like garbage, especially when I’ve been treated that way by him for years.

I have come to a resolution about things. I said this in an email earlier to a friend and I think I will repeat a lot of it here.

I think sometimes when people read my posts about my ex that I look weak. At times in the relationship I was….after the break up there were times I was. Why did I stay with him? Why do I continue to talk to him or let him in my house when he stops by with out calling or a warning? I’ve finally figured it out.

I have in my life refused to believe that anyone is all bad. There has to be some redeeming quality to them. No one can be all bad. Especially no one that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.

I had faith in him. I thought the person that I fell in love with would come back. The actually truth is, he was never there in the first place. It was all an illusion. He was acting like the person he wanted to be not the person he was. You can’t hide that for long and when the real him started coming out I didn’t really understand. I thought that we could work through our problem together. You can’t fix someone that doesn’t want to fix themselves.

I’m not the kind of person that turns people in need away. That’s why I continued to talk to him and let him in my house. Even after all the things he did to me. To me it was like turning an injured animal away.

The problem, as I’ve lead people to believe here is I’ve blamed him. The truth is…I don’t like for anyone not to like me or think ill of me. I never wanted him to hate me…but he already did…he was just using me for what ever he needed at whatever time he needed it. In turn…he was destroying me.

I’ve come a long way in a short amount of time. Yeah I still have things that I need to work through…but you know what? We all do. I think what I’ve lived through has made me stronger…not weaker.

It makes me a little angry when people seem to think they know what my next steps will be or they think they know what I will go through to work this out or they think they know my emotional state of mind.

As I told my mother, don’t talk to me and tell me what you think I’m going through unless you have walked in my shoes.

I’m a pretty hard core person and I admit that. I’m finally coming back and I’m coming back with knowledge. Don’t tell me I’m wounded. Don’t tell me I have a long road ahead of me. Don’t tell me shit…because the fact of the matter is…you don’t know.

The stories I tell here about him and the past things that have happen are that…the past.

I will sit down and post a blog about something I remembered in a moment. Am I upset when I post it…probably. What do I do after I post it? I feel better that I let it out and that’s it’s behind me now. Those days with him will never happen again. I know I can no longer talk to him again. The only grief I feel now is for a person that doesn’t know his own potential and has been raised to become such a product of his environment that I don’t know if he will ever see life the way he should. It does make me sad. But there is nothing more I can do for him, and I’m tired of trying, he has to find his own way.

It’s been almost a year since he left. I have discovered so many things in my life that seem new again. I have a new found friendship with someone that is now going to go through some of the same thing I have just been through. I just have to stand by her. Give my advice when she asks…knowing me I’m sure I’ll give it when she doesn’t need it or want it, but I know now that I will never say what I think she will go through…because I have no idea.

I guess what I’m saying is just because certain things happen in a persons life, don’t assume that they are wounded beyond help at certain times.

Yes it’s hard for me to look in the mirror…but you know what? I can look at my soul and I think I’m beautiful. So what does it matter what the outside of me looks like. It doesn’t.

I think the only thing that I’ve ever strived for in my life was to be a good person. That’s really all I care about. He tried to take that away from me….and he still is. That is one thing that I will allow no one to take. This is why I can no longer talk to this person.

I just want people to know when they read these stories that this is the past. I just had to figure out why I stayed and why I continued to blame myself for the mess I was in.

I loved someone too much. I loved someone that didn’t even like himself. I just didn’t see it.

I guess my point is…and all I want to say tonight is…

Don’t look at me as if I’m fucked up and weak…that was never my intention here. Yeah, a lot of bullshit happened to me that I should have stood up…the funny thing is…I did. I never tell those stories because that wasn’t my point of this whole blog. I was trying to figure out him. Yes, even after it was over…I still needed answers.

See no one out there knows me but Minn. To tell you the truth…I have kicked the boy’s ass…when I was cornered…do you think I just stood there and took it? No. I fought back, which proved to make matters worse. That’s probably one of the reasons he did what he did to me because I wouldn’t back down. I wasn’t as manipulative as he was but I could go toe to toe with him, physically on any given day. Yes, usually I would loose and the end was bad and it shouldn’t even have gone there, and I know it, but it happened and there is nothing I can do to erase it. It’s just how it all happened.

I never…EVER want to be in a relationship like this again. But like I said…it happened and sometimes you get wrapped up in a certain situation and if its 1 week or 9 years, it’s the people involved. It escalates until you have no perception of what is normal anymore. I know what’s normal…unfortunately he never has and never will know normalcy in his life. That’s sad, but I can’t do a fucking thing about it and I’ve finally realized that. I never wanted to do this but I have to turn around and walk away. I don’t think I will ever talk to him again. He is just too hard on my heart.

Now….with all that said of course I have something else to say.

Choose your word lightly to other people. When it comes to people being one way or another you just don’t know. I lived for years with him thinking he knew how I felt or what I was thinking…he was never right. The plain fact is you NEVER know what is in someone else’s mind. Who knows if I will pull out a gun tonight and blow my brains out….or…if I will find the cure for some incurable disease tomorrow. No one knows.

I guess the thing that set me off is someone looking at me and thinking that I’m an emotional wreak or that I’m weak. So not the case, yeah, I’m sensitive, I’ll fess up to that one…but weak…I don’t think so. I would have been dead long ago if I was weak.