GODDAMNSONOFABITCHMOTHERFUCKER….

The explaination for the picture comes later...

My favorite word that I’ve been trying not to use has suddenly reared its ugly head again…

“Why?”

I was told by my sister tonight that I don’t manage my money right. She is absolutely correct. I don’t and I admitted that. Ahhhhh….but the saga continued.

“But India….you expect us to send you money…you always complain that you are broke but you go out and buy a digital camera when you say you don’t know how you are going pay your electric bill.”

I said “You’re absolutely right. I did buy that camera and charged it to my Amex, which was due the next month, as for my DWP I will find a way…and I did. Also, did I ask you for money?”

“No” she said…..silence….

“And?” I said….

“Well, you just don’t spend your money right.”

“Yes, I know…you’re right.”

Silence….

“And?”…I said

“Well, I don’t know what to say to that.” she said.

“You’re right about everything you are saying…I admit it. I’ve never claimed any different.” I said

“India, if I won the lottery tomorrow I wouldn’t give you a million dollars because I know in a year you would piss it away.” She said

“This is where we are different…if I won the lotto, I would buy a plane ticket home and have us all sitting around the kitchen table, pull out the ticket and say so what are we going to do with it?”

Well besides sending my friends money….a hell of a lot of money….

What I’m trying to say is…
I got nailed to the cross tonight, pulled off, nailed back up….and pulled down again….doesn’t someone out there need the wood or the nails?

It would be different if I was fighting with her…I conceded…I know that I’m wrong when it comes to money and how I manage it….and I said that over and over and over…

But she wanted to say something that didn’t come across well with me….when I admit defeat…and say I’m wrong….please don’t continue to kill me….it’s not fair.

I was crucified for an hour….and I sat and listened…..

Oh but I have that breaking point….

My hands started to shake….and the out lash from her just kept going….

I said “I know, I understand what you’re saying.”

Silence…

“How many pairs of shoes do you have India?”

“Probably about 30” I said. (One thing that I think about now is about 10 of those were given to me by my mother.)

“See” she said

“See what?” I replied.

“I have 5 pair of shoes.” She said

I have to have a break here and say that I think shoes are fabulous…my ma taught me that and for any woman to have only 5 pairs of shoes is a crime….but that’s just me….ok back to the discussion.

“And how much did those shoes cost?” I said

She said “Any where from $60 to $15.”

So let’s average this out….if, let’s say 3 pairs of her shoes cost $60 bucks….that would be $180….and the other 2 cost $15….that would be $30….students…are you listening?

So…in all she has 5 pair of shoes that cost $210. Did I do the math right…I’m so bad at it.

I have 30 pairs of shoes….which on average cost me $5 bucks or less….yes they are used…BUT…I have 30 pair for $150 and she has 5 for $210.

Wow I guess my math is bad because that doesn’t make sense to me.

I do however own a pair of Colin Stuart shoes that are bright pink, and the top is covered in feathers….and I bought them for the low…low price of $4.99…..and they are probably $100 shoes.

But hey…..I’m wrong because I have 30 pairs shoes that cost less than her 5 pair…and I don’t use my money wisely. Go figure.

I talked to a friend tonight…he said that she just probably needed to get some aggression out. That’s cool…I’ve done it to people and I understand that….but I have never and would never do that to her. I look up to her…she’s my sister.

Yea, I haven’t done things right…and I haven’t said any different. Man I have fucked up. I GET IT. People seem to think I don’t.

But…

There are the 2 M&M’s that do understand me with all my faults, and tolerate me….and I love them for that.

But my sister? I guess she just had a bad day….and I’m the best punching bag around.
And if she needed to vent about how I think my family owes me something…than so be it…they don’t owe me shit...and I know this…

Do I owe them money…of course….and they have helped me A LOT…I don’t make 6 figures. I don’t own a home….I don’t have a pool….and that’s my fault…and I understand this…just don’t keep reminding me…

Now here is where I get pissed.

Me….$18,000 a year in California and I flew home for Thanksgiving and Christmas every year…for years. Hmmm…I wonder who paid for those plane tickets. Yeah my family helped but all in all…I paid for them. Because I found a way to save the money….funny….the last time I saw my family was when my grandfather died. That was a couple of years ago…My sister helped me when both my grandparents died and I had to fly home….and I say help…but not pay for all of it.

I’ve lived here for 14 years. Man this hurts to even write this shit. My brother is the only person to see 2 of the places I lived here. My mom and sister saw one….because they were visiting my brother. After my brother moved back to Texas in 94, I was expected to fly home….I sure as shit didn’t see anyone flying to me….but hey they love me right?

My mother didn’t even have my new phone number…which was changed….hmmm let’s see…4 months ago…neither did my brother….but my sister had it.

I feel bad bitching about her…cause god knows I love her….she’s the best thing since sliced bread….but sometimes she just doesn’t understand me…and sometimes I don’t understand her.

But tonight…she made me feel like garbage….or maybe that’s just how I feel about myself.

Who knows and who really fucking cares right?

We all have our shit…our baggage…

All I know is if I had money and someone needed it…I’d give it to them….hey…if they want to piss it away it’s their choice.

But for her to assume that I was asking for money in an undertone of a conversation was right. I was….without asking. I admit it….it’s hard but I admit it. I’m wrong, yet again.

One night I said “A hundred dollars to me is like $10 dollars to you.” She said “yes”.

As I’ve said before, I judge people by my standards…if you need something, I’ll do anything in my power to get it for you…I expect the same from others.

Minn….
The best envelope I ever got. $5. She just wanted me to have money in my pocket….and at that point I had none.

I guess I sound money hungry…quite the opposite. I don’t give a shit one way or the other...if I can pay rent and my bills and live…I’m pretty fucking happy.

Until…someone steps in…and just takes a baseball bat to my head and keeps hitting me.

How many times do I have to say “I’m wrong…I fucked up”

People don’t like that very much….or they just don’t listen.