Nightmares...

I got up at 3am and took a shower because I couldn't stand it any more.

My mind is relentless...it never lets me sleep...nor does he.

Vance was bashing my head in to the ground.

How do you let some one go when they haunt your dreams?

It's not fair.

Flight...Freeze or...Fight...

I live by those words.

I froze tonight.

A sound so loud that even my roommate heard it with earphones on...i was also on the phone with minneee...

I plastered my self to a door frame...arms out, hands up.

My mistake...never leave your self open.

I'm always looking over my shoulder...always.

He torments me but he can never snort my sunshine...even with a rainbow straw.

I got knives for Christmas...

and one of the fancy steel rods i can sharpen then with. I even rejuvienated some of my old knives with that.

I forgot what it was like to cut with a sharp knife...I thought I might lose some digits...none today.

Now if I can just watch "How Clean Is You House" as much as I watch Gordon Ramsey...I might be on a roll.

Never the less...I'm starting.

It's 39 degrees here...

I'm sorry...where am I?

It regiserted when I had to call the cops on my next door neighbor...yet again.

I haven't slept because he likes to sing to Britney Spears...is that how you spell it? I have no clue nor do I want to.

After four hours I finally called them at 5:30am.

It's fucking christmas eve...cut a sister a break.

I'm so fucking angry.

The police came and went.

My roommate never batted an eye...deep sleep.

Once the Coppers left the music just kept rising.

I'm going on three hours now.

I lite up my tiny Christmas tree for this shit?

Okay...well..yeah.

Nothing is going to spoil my Christmas.

Not even the motherfucker next door...heh.

I just watched...Where the wild thing are...

people said it was shit...

I tend to disagree.

I thought it was magic...

I have $149.19 to my name…

I’m lucky to have that much.
It’s been a bad week…
The constance barrage of insults that my brain puts me through is relentless.
“you are a loser….weak…stupid…stupid…stupid…you fail…you always fail.”
The one thing I can say is I’m starting to believe that I’m a good person.
No amount of money can buy that.

can some one please find Ciao Bella???

Key Lime Graham Cracker...Please...

I want some one to be as happy as me right now.

It's almost better than sex...almost.

You know…I don’t have a problem being fucked up…

It’s the people that tell me how to be fucked up that pisses me off.

It seems that my thoughts and feelings aren’t up to their standards.

That doesn’t sit right with me.

My therapist was right…I shouldn’t share information. People tend to become "know it alls." They think that they know the answers to the problem. Hell...I don't even know the answers to the problem yet...how can they?

I have learned to look at my problems face first. It has taken me a while…I’m learning.

I can’t ignore simple displaced statements any more. I will find the even standard before I say some thing that I don’t mean...but I will not let the statement go unnoticed.

The one thing that I’m sure of is I’m a good person and I would sell my soul for the people I love.

Some times they piss me off and some times they save me…I hope I do the same for them.

It’s all balance in this world and that’s what every one needs to see.

But most can’t…even me.

I’m trying though.

What the fuck is up with people???

I'm so fucking sick of people not chosing their words wisely.

I got an email from a bandmate of Vances. We were friends at one time. I've been emailing him for the past week. I made the mistake of telling him I was in therapy over vance.

His page long reply was classic. The first line was "Therapy over Vance? I've known ten Vances. I've never had to go to therapy over them."

I fired up like a Christmas tree...I had 5 paragraphs of a beatings in words. Then I realized I only needed one sentence.

"Vance didn't beat you."

Then I hit send.

I've been talking to my half sister...Fiamma...

Fiamma means Fire in Italian. I love her name. I do consider her my sister...full blood.

I was iming her the other night. I said a lot of things about our father that wasn't right. I don't know him the way she does.

I didn't know my father was 80. I didn't know he wasn't doing well.

Fiamma is losing her father...that breaks my heart.

I woke up this morning feeling like shit for the things that I said about him to her.

Honestly, he was not kind to me but he was to her.

That kind of pisses me off.

I have to let that go though.

I need to lay some things to rest...and he has to be one.

I don't like therapy. It makes me think to much....not like i don't do that daily.

I blame no one for what I'm going through.

I wish I was the kind of person that can shake it off.

My father is going to die...I don't know how I feel about that. All I know is he is was an asshole to me. Should I be sad? I don't know.

Hey, I can say one thing...he remembers grandma felix's spinich pie recipie.

He was just mean to me and my sister and I don't know if I can forget that.

It's raining!!!

I love it! It would be better if it wasn't coming through the roof...or celling...eh...take your pick.

Who cares...i love the rain...it's fucking fantastic!

I actually had to leave the house last night…to cry…

Fuck.

Just had to drive to the store and listen to music.

I know where I’ve been…and it’s made me strong…I finally see that.

After all the bullshit and people telling me what to do…now that’s gone…

I’m on my own.

AT LEAST I CAN SCREAM HERE!!!!!!!

fabulous...

I'm silenty screaming....

I just realized that.

I kinda cried today. That's called a few tears...wipe um off and you are good to go, fling...

but I'm going no where.

Ya see...I can't scream. No one understands that. I had to fight, I had to stand up and take the punches and the words.

No on can understand what I've been through, nor do i expect them to. We all have our own battle.

Like Mrs. Williams...from a credit department that called me this morning. She woke me up at around 8:30.

I actually answered the phone a couple of weeks ago from her and wrote her phone number down...told her I got laid of...blablabla.

Wow...she was picture perfect this morning. She asked me about the 39.00 I owed. I told her I just got my first unemployment check...I said that she was on a long line of people i have to pay and I said I don't have time for this right now and I hung up.

she called back...and said "bitch" and then she hung up. Some one I don't know and has no idea who or what I've been through.

Vodka and coke...sorry...diet pepsi, insued...

I don't call people names or label them.

I guess most people feel they have the right to.

Don't people understand that one word can crush a person.

One word brought him back to my mind.

I'm just a worthless bitch. I'am so stupid...can't you do any thing right...fucking cunt. fucking whore.

All in a days work right? She needs to find a new job because they are never seeing that $39.

More bees with honey...