After a shit load of vodka and an orange hostess cup cake...

They are the best by the way...fuck the chocolate. Who said that?

I've come to find that people are tired of listening to me. I don't blame them because they don't understand or they just don't want to hear it. That's why I started this blog.

Me as a person...I'll listen to any ones shit. Some times I may not answer the phone but usually I'm here for any one.

I thought I was cool after last nights phone call with him...not so much. The images come flooding back..."intrusive thoughts" so my therapist says.

I've come to find there is only ONE person that understands what has happened because she went through it too...with me. Sasha, the dog that he wanted so badly is the dog he abused.

She sleeps with one eye open as well. We have been through the shit hole together that's for fucking sure. He almost killed us both.

People think I exaggerate on that fact...not so much.

People need to LISTEN because you never know where your friend is going to the bone yard.

why...

why me?

After 15 months of sobriety and two beers later...

He called.

Did I think that I had heard the last of Vance...no.

The phone rang and I was amazed his name was on the caller ID. Yes, I answered the phone. Heh...thought he might want to apologize. HAHA!!! I'm so silly.

Funny how he chose to call me on the day he fell off the wagon. I know he wanted some thing. He asked how the dogs were...what I was doing now. I told him the truth. "Dogs are good, got laid off and going back to school." He told me that he's doing well and he got his driver's license back and "You were right India...I did need glasses."

I told him that was all good and that I was glad that things were going well with him.

There was a lot of shit he said over that conversation that use to trigger me for a fight...now I just chuckle.

I'm not the same person I use to be. I don't want to fight any more...plus, I just really don't give a shit any more.

Dude...you want to fall off the wagon...don't call me.

You want to apologize...then pick up the phone.

Heh...I did tell him I was going to therapy for PTSD.

"SO!!! You are saying I gave that to you???"

"Yes."

He hung up on me. Color me surprised. I bet he's still looking at his phone waiting for me to call him back. Not gonna happen...I forgot his phone number for a reason.

He's a disease and he will never see that but he's still looking for an easy way out.

I'm not it any more.

Soooooooo...

The freak show next door...a person doesn't need cable, nor a TV or a computer.

It's a fucking soap opera...live.

To fight off the evection they have started putting enormous amounts of toilet paper in their toilet.

Guess what guys...you can't back up the sewage that way. Heh...it just backs up your toilet.

Never said they were smart.

Landlord called yesterday and he asked if our plumbing was backed up. "Nope."

"Are you sure, India?"

"I can see a back-up coming a mile away. We're good."

"It was them all along." he said

"Ya think?"

"Stay clear of them...you and Robert."

"Will do."

"Glendale Police Department...How can I help you?"

"My neighbors TV is seriously loud." By the way...so loud my dogs were freaking out.

"Your address?"

I gave it to her...

"Oh...hold please. (pause) Ah...house A right?"

"yes."

Two cop cars and 4 police later...two of which I knew. The one I knew the best came to the door. "It's started again?"

"Yes." And he sighed.

They knocked on their door told them to keep it down and they drove off in to the night.

The freak show next door is scary.

How many cops do I have to call until I'm dead?

Eh...guess I'll die with a phone in my hand.

The MONSTER passed smog...

That bastard...oh how I love him.

I was 13 in that picture…

I thought he was the love of my life.

I’ve spoke about him here before…Silivo Laskov from Bulgaria.

Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus, I will never forget those years.

I adore the fact that I have seen things that most people don’t.

I met Günter Gebel Williams…he introduced me to one of his elephants as I was getting off work. He invited me and my friend to meet his lions, tigers, leopards and a panther.

I am highly against that now…I don’t want any wild animal to be in captivity.

But it was before I knew better.

I got to pet a leopard and have a elephant trunk touch my hand.

It was amazing.

Life sucks...

when you can't sleep. How many sleeping pills does it take?

It's not like I want to kill myself...

I just want to sleep...just for a little while.

I didn’t want to remember…

But I had no choice today.

I took the Rodeo to a mechanic that I thought was retired.

One morning my eyes opened thinking about my car and I thought Billy. Phone number was still the same…so are the stomping grounds.

He’s back at the old place…right by “Shacky’s Pizza”…I use to wait for Vance there…for hours…watching the transvestite prostitutes that had better make-up and bodies then I ever dreamed about. They were fabulous…I actually made friends with a couple of them.

“Girl! You should leave that MAN!!!” Ahhh…the good old days.

Things that I tried to forget are now crystal clear.

Remembering is hard.

What I actually happened in 12 years…

Abuse is amazing…they blind you. Every one around you thinks you are stupid.

I know now I’m not stupid….now that he’s gone.

People don’t understand. I can talk until I’m blue in the face…you never know until you walk in the some one else’s shoes…

People call me for help…I do my best. I can only help so much. I grow tired…just like they did with me.

I still love him and I worry about him but I can no longer save him.

Put another nail in my coffin…please.

I’m that fucking nice.

I really fucking hate that.

There was a letter from the LA court in my neighbors mailbox today...

My Roommate saw it when he came home from work.

We learned from our land lord that notice for eviction comes through the mail from the court.

The anticipation was long until they got home.

I was gauging 50/50 that they might win but when you hear "MOTHERFUCKER!" screamed though a wall that would mean defeat.

I'd like to say I feel sorry for them actually, I do but I don't want to be afraid to leave my house so I want them gone.

I still don't know if they are really gone but from what I know of them there would have been a celebration instead of silence.

I think they lost…

Very silent…very, very silent.

They shipped their dogs off.

No dogs…no barking any more. My dogs are calm now…for the first time in months.

I could hear him through the walls…the desperation.

A person can be proud but Chris thinks he’s owed some thing…please.

You’re done buddy…sorry you are such a fucking dick.

All I wanted in my life is to be a good person...I think I’ve achieved that.

People never learn.

I'm tired of trying to help people that only think about themselves for gain.

Some times you just have to have a heart.

Old habits die hard…

I realized today everything is a mirror to me.

Windowpanes are good but a TV screen off…golden. If I’m at the right angle from another room…I can see you coming from a mile away.

This has been a bad fucking weekend. Too much shit coming back up. I’m looking over my shoulder again and sleeping with one eye open.

Miserable way to live…I know…I did it for years.

The evection next door has put me in to full blow panic. Triggers every second.

If they lose the evection tomorrow I’m going to be here alone.

I always hated Mondays.

My landlord called today…

He told me that he doesn’t want me to be involved in the evection of the next door neighbor. He said that Chris has become angry and hostile and my landlord doesn’t want me to be in harms way.

If he’s calling me to tell me that…it’s bad.

The court date for their evection is on Monday.

Win or lose…

I'm still on the menu...

I can't sleep any more...

That was my only silence.