It's funny...

How can I miss some one that I've only seen once?

Is Orchid the flower of death?

That's what my roommate told me.

I can't grow any thing to save my life. I tried to grow tomatoes for years. The black hands of death killed them all. Cucumber, Cantaloupe and watermelon were soon to follow.

My orchid is blooming again. I've had it for 7 years. That baby has hung on.

People think that if something doesn't bloom it's dead.

I don't think so.

My classic line with Vance was...

"Stop doing shit that you have to say sorry for because sorry no longer has a meaning."

Robert is now falling under theses lines.

Sorry is a weak word and booze is just an excuse.

I'm still hurt and I still feel stupid but I've learned to confront a situation.

So I talked to him today. Basically he is insecure about school, his life and turning 40.

Ummmm...bummer. Fuck off.

It bowled down to him feeling better about himself by making me feel like shit. Bravo! Nice move Robert.

I've been down this road before. I will fuck you up and fuck you over but that's not the person I am now. I want to scream and yell at him but it's a waste of my time.

Unfortunately, I still feel like garbage. Words are swords.

Cheesecake and brownie ice cream...

Ben and Jerry I adore you.

"I dream bigger than you."

I was talking to my roommate about a lottery ticket I bought and dreamed about what I would do if I won. That when he said "I dream bigger than you." Three times.

Okay. How does some one dream bigger? Is this a competition? My answer would be no.

I have my dreams...they are mine. They are no bigger or less then some one else.

I said "I think that's where we are black and white. I'm a dreamer and you are a realist."

"No,no,no India I am a dreamer but I do it much more intelligent."

What? Huh? ummmmm.....uh....did he just say that? what? Now I'm a stupid dreamer? I didn't know that existed until now.

I told him to fuck off, go fuck yourself and fuck you.

He's been different since he's been in school. He's really full of himself. He knows it all. He even told me that. "India, I was called stupid my whole life and now I know I am smart and my professor's I doubt how smart they are."

Here was my question..."If you were called stupid your whole life then why do you make people feel stupid?"

His response "It makes me smarter." sweet.

This where we differ and I am smarter. I started stripping the paint off the shower due to the black mold of death and Robert said it would eat through the dry wall. I told him the shower stall was metal. "No India, you're wrong."

Who do you think was right?

A girl and her pitt bull.

I found this picture tonight. I forgot all about it. That's the night Sasha ripped Vance's nose apart and the night he told me we wouldn't live to see the sun rise. I wanted to take a picture of us just in case we both died that night. I learned that documentation is good. I also wrote a letter that was with the picture. "To who it may concern...." That's as far as I got. I ripped it up.

I'm getting better but I trust no one.

Heavenly Laundry...

I chose not to go there even though my room mate insists they have the best dryers. Honey, they ain't no Heaven in laundry.

I went to my usual spot. I can always clean out my car since there is a dumpster in the parking lot and the fond memories of the chicken place I got food poisoning from. It just feels like home. Heh.

I had so much laundry from start to finish it took me 7 hours and $30. Fine.

This is where I get pissy...two loads were towels. I'm not talkin small loads here. My roommate was suppose to wash them before Christmas. Let me see...it's February, correct?

When I was leaving to the laundry of hell he said "I'd go with you but I don't feel like it." I said "Did I ask you?" If you know me you can imagine the look on my face when I said that. He walked away.

When I got home he was waiting. He helped me in with the mass of clean laundry. However, I was the one folding 30 towels. I put them all away and when I was done he came in to the room. "Wow, you put them all up." I said "Yup, and any towel that you use from now on goes in your dirty laundry. K?" "Um...yeah...okay, I do use most of them."

I'm sorry...did I hear a thank you? Nope.

I'm fucking sick of being a man's mother whether it be a boyfriend, roommate or friend. I don't have kids...and this is why.

I was cleaning out draws...

I found this picture. That's the man I loved. That's him. Funny...once the front door closed it wasn't him.

I got a text from him...

"I treated you to a night completely and ypur (his spelling) shit about being a bad first date? Fuck you cunt!"

My first name should be Cunt. I know it well. I also know the men that use it are weak.

Seriously...from a stranger it still makes me cry,

It's harsh.

I texted him back and said "I don't want to know any man that calls a girl a cunt."

I saw the red flags...

but I didn't wanna see the red. He was nice on the phone. He lives in Long Beach and said he would drive here and rent a hotel room in between because he has had two DUI's. FLAG ONE.

He said "You can stay at the hotel if you want...I don't want to make you uncomfortable." FLAG TWO

I went any way...Hey people are weird...we all are.

We met at a bar that had pool tables. I love to play pool. He asked me if I played. I said yes. He told me he sucked but he would play any way. Guess what...he knew french English on a cue ball. FLAG THREE.

I said "Man, you're lying to me. You know how to play pool." FLAG FOUR "No I don't."

He beat me three times. I'm cool with that but he was jumping up and down when he won. Weird. Who make's a girl feel embarrassed when I was saying "nice shot."

He went to the bathroom and guys at the other table were talking to me. "Who is that guy?" FLAG FIVE.

I said "First date." They laughed. Those guys were cool...I think they saw he was a prick.

I was done. I wanted food...damn I still haven't eaten.

I walked four blocks to my car and I got home.

I like to pay for half the date because it gives me the the same upper hand as a man.

When he said "I got it Princess."

Really?

I don't know where to begin or end this post.

All I can say is it was on fucked up date that makes me want to be alone.