Dope Sick Love….
I’m watching the above show, a documentary on TV. I don’t know why I watch these shows. It brings up memories of the ex and the really fucked up things that I lived with. I think that I have blocked a lot of it out. I definitely have flash backs sometimes and think “oh yeah I remember that time….that shit…that garbage.”
It’s kind of hard to watch this because it is so true to me….my life that once was. I’m still trying to deal with the realization of what really went on. Most people don’t know the half of it…..to tell you the truth there are things that no one knows but me.
It’s almost like I didn’t realize what was happening to him or to me. By the time I did it was unreal….like a bad after school special “Don’t Let This Happen to You”.
Coke and speed were his drugs of choice but he always said his favorite was beer. He once told me that he started doing drugs so he could stay up to drink more alcohol. Ha…I thought he was kidding…I thought it was a joke. It wasn’t.
I can not even describe the stench that my house turned into. I would walk in from work and smell this potpourri of shit and a rotting body. Empty beer cans everywhere, snot rags everywhere….and him looking like death after it’s died a million times.
I was cleaning out some drawers last night and found a picture of him and me. He looked really handsome. I stared at the picture for awhile and realized that he was on speed when that picture was taken. He didn’t look so attractive anymore.
A flood of memories came back. It made me wonder if I have to remember in order to forget. I’m sure there are things that should remain buried but some times it flashes so quick I can’t stop them from coming.
I guess I just have to remember and let it go. I can’t blame myself and I can’t blame him anymore.
It was what it was….no more and no less.
It’s kind of hard to watch this because it is so true to me….my life that once was. I’m still trying to deal with the realization of what really went on. Most people don’t know the half of it…..to tell you the truth there are things that no one knows but me.
It’s almost like I didn’t realize what was happening to him or to me. By the time I did it was unreal….like a bad after school special “Don’t Let This Happen to You”.
Coke and speed were his drugs of choice but he always said his favorite was beer. He once told me that he started doing drugs so he could stay up to drink more alcohol. Ha…I thought he was kidding…I thought it was a joke. It wasn’t.
I can not even describe the stench that my house turned into. I would walk in from work and smell this potpourri of shit and a rotting body. Empty beer cans everywhere, snot rags everywhere….and him looking like death after it’s died a million times.
I was cleaning out some drawers last night and found a picture of him and me. He looked really handsome. I stared at the picture for awhile and realized that he was on speed when that picture was taken. He didn’t look so attractive anymore.
A flood of memories came back. It made me wonder if I have to remember in order to forget. I’m sure there are things that should remain buried but some times it flashes so quick I can’t stop them from coming.
I guess I just have to remember and let it go. I can’t blame myself and I can’t blame him anymore.
It was what it was….no more and no less.
posted by iamfallingfromgrace at 11:33 PM
1 Comments:
in my own life i've found -- after traumatic events or the end of a relationship -- that i have to remember certain things again so that they are purged once and for all. sometimes it feels more painful than it ever could have the first time, but once the memories are done, it's over. like the rock in the stream, y'know? the water moves on and you remain.
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