You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!!!!!
I woke up still pissed off. I hate it when I get this way and I especially hate it when people can affect me this way. I’ve had enough of people taking up what mind space I actually have left.
I left her a message last night, asked if we could do her birthday lunch next weekend when I get paid and get my car fixed then I can drive to her house and take her out for lunch.
She called me back and completely disregarded my voicemail. Said that her and one of her friends were going to drive down here today and pick me up so I better be ready. No. This no longer happens in my world. Don’t paint me into a corner. I fucking hate that shit.
I’ve done shit that I didn’t want to do for a long time, for most of my life really. Yeah I have my “go fuck yourself” moments every now and then but basically you ask me to do something and I will…even if I don’t want to. I’m tired of it…sick and tired of it.
Now I have to call her back. I don’t want to but it’s her birthday and I’m going to be nice. Shit, I don’t want to do this.
_____________________________________________________________________
Ok. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. She actually understood. We talked for awhile and I told her that the messages she left me made me hurt and angry. She said she was pretending to be mad on the messages and thought I would know it was a joke. She said I should know that she would never be that way to me. I still had things that I wanted to say to her but it’s her birthday and so I will let it rest for now but I have to start speaking my mind or I will forever be trampled on.
My mind frame isn’t what it used to be. I would consider myself a little damaged these days and take things a little too serious. I was poked at for years. “Jokes” he said…jokes turned to insults…insults turned into cruelty. Even the slightest hint of someone being mean to me sends me in a tail spin.
So I actually have to start speaking...voicing if someone makes me upset…telling them instead of having it eat away at me or just sweeping it under the carpet.
It’s coming again…I can feel it. I just heard him in my head…”You are garbage.”
I left her a message last night, asked if we could do her birthday lunch next weekend when I get paid and get my car fixed then I can drive to her house and take her out for lunch.
She called me back and completely disregarded my voicemail. Said that her and one of her friends were going to drive down here today and pick me up so I better be ready. No. This no longer happens in my world. Don’t paint me into a corner. I fucking hate that shit.
I’ve done shit that I didn’t want to do for a long time, for most of my life really. Yeah I have my “go fuck yourself” moments every now and then but basically you ask me to do something and I will…even if I don’t want to. I’m tired of it…sick and tired of it.
Now I have to call her back. I don’t want to but it’s her birthday and I’m going to be nice. Shit, I don’t want to do this.
_____________________________________________________________________
Ok. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. She actually understood. We talked for awhile and I told her that the messages she left me made me hurt and angry. She said she was pretending to be mad on the messages and thought I would know it was a joke. She said I should know that she would never be that way to me. I still had things that I wanted to say to her but it’s her birthday and so I will let it rest for now but I have to start speaking my mind or I will forever be trampled on.
My mind frame isn’t what it used to be. I would consider myself a little damaged these days and take things a little too serious. I was poked at for years. “Jokes” he said…jokes turned to insults…insults turned into cruelty. Even the slightest hint of someone being mean to me sends me in a tail spin.
So I actually have to start speaking...voicing if someone makes me upset…telling them instead of having it eat away at me or just sweeping it under the carpet.
It’s coming again…I can feel it. I just heard him in my head…”You are garbage.”
posted by iamfallingfromgrace at 12:45 PM
2 Comments:
leave a note for yourself on your bathroom mirror, or wherever you'll see it regularly, that says "you are awesome", or"you're pretty fucking cool"... because you are.
and if you hear his voice in your head like that, tell it to go to hell.
thank you james
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