I wanted to say so many things last night….
Couldn’t seem to find any words….no…that’s not right…I had so many that I couldn’t figure out how to put them into place. That’s rare for me. Hell I’ll just splatter a fucking canvass with ‘um and see what comes out. Last night…not so much.
Ya see when the word suicide comes into play…I don’t do so well.
I’m not saying I’m smart, by any realm…now do I have knowledge? You fucking bet your ass I do. You want to talk about someone you think is going to commit suicide, or has? I’ll talk about it because I know what it’s like to be left standing there. You want to talk to me about leaving someone….yeah, done that too….and I’ll talk to you all fucking night long if you need me to.
I mean, everything does happen for a reason. Why am I standing here at this exact moment with the knowledge that I have for someone that is almost in the same situation, just in opposite terms. There is still the chance of them walking away and the other being dead...by there own hand….it lingers.
Did Vance ever say he would kill himself? Yes. If he didn’t have anything promising, musically, at the age of 30, he said he would buy a gun and end it. Did I think he was serious? Yea…and it always there. He started saying it (not often) when I met him when he was 23. He’s going to be 33 in September. Ten years later…do I worry if it will still happen? Of course. Have I cried thinking about something as simple as changing my phone number? Yes, because I know him so well. Could it send him over the edge? Yes. That’s one of the reasons I never wanted to leave, because in my mind, I might as well pulled the trigger. See, I thought I needed to be there to make sure that didn’t happen…when in all actuality, it doesn’t matter. Self destruction is…just that. He’s doing it slowly. I have to be ok with that, because you know what…It’s not my fault….its just not.
Wow…that’s a fucking revelation. And believe me, I’m not sitting here all sunshine about it. I still want to call him and tell him it will be ok. But I can’t…and it breaks my heart…because I so wanted to help him…but I couldn’t.
He was so abused in his lifetime and I still don’t know the real story. His parents were “vague” about it. That didn’t happen or he doesn’t remember it right. There is a reason he found music…to escape, like we all do when we listen to it. Unfortunately, I don’t think he can handle life. I do hope that he becomes what he wants….I hold out hope, for him.
Enough with the sentimental crap…What I wanted to say before I was so …deathly distracted…is just that.
My friend is going through the same thing. Leave and they might kill themselves? Yup…that’s right. After years of the death watch…you just can’t stand it any longer. If there going to do it…they are going to do it.
It’s a hard fact to face…when you are standing outside of their mind.
But you know what? If anyone is serious, and they are really going to do it…it’s done. It may not be tomorrow, a month, a year, or 20 years…it’s if your still there to see it.
Nah…no one wants to live though that shit. It may sound heartless…but the act is selfish.
And for my friend to feel what she felt yesterday is unacceptable. No one should carry that burden.
You can’t be miserable with someone that…well…is just fucking miserable. They want you to be there with them. You just can’t save people that don’t want to be saved.
You have to let them go. It’s very simple. But for some, it’s not so simple. See, we think that we can save the world….save them.
No…we can’t.
Ya see when the word suicide comes into play…I don’t do so well.
I’m not saying I’m smart, by any realm…now do I have knowledge? You fucking bet your ass I do. You want to talk about someone you think is going to commit suicide, or has? I’ll talk about it because I know what it’s like to be left standing there. You want to talk to me about leaving someone….yeah, done that too….and I’ll talk to you all fucking night long if you need me to.
I mean, everything does happen for a reason. Why am I standing here at this exact moment with the knowledge that I have for someone that is almost in the same situation, just in opposite terms. There is still the chance of them walking away and the other being dead...by there own hand….it lingers.
Did Vance ever say he would kill himself? Yes. If he didn’t have anything promising, musically, at the age of 30, he said he would buy a gun and end it. Did I think he was serious? Yea…and it always there. He started saying it (not often) when I met him when he was 23. He’s going to be 33 in September. Ten years later…do I worry if it will still happen? Of course. Have I cried thinking about something as simple as changing my phone number? Yes, because I know him so well. Could it send him over the edge? Yes. That’s one of the reasons I never wanted to leave, because in my mind, I might as well pulled the trigger. See, I thought I needed to be there to make sure that didn’t happen…when in all actuality, it doesn’t matter. Self destruction is…just that. He’s doing it slowly. I have to be ok with that, because you know what…It’s not my fault….its just not.
Wow…that’s a fucking revelation. And believe me, I’m not sitting here all sunshine about it. I still want to call him and tell him it will be ok. But I can’t…and it breaks my heart…because I so wanted to help him…but I couldn’t.
He was so abused in his lifetime and I still don’t know the real story. His parents were “vague” about it. That didn’t happen or he doesn’t remember it right. There is a reason he found music…to escape, like we all do when we listen to it. Unfortunately, I don’t think he can handle life. I do hope that he becomes what he wants….I hold out hope, for him.
Enough with the sentimental crap…What I wanted to say before I was so …deathly distracted…is just that.
My friend is going through the same thing. Leave and they might kill themselves? Yup…that’s right. After years of the death watch…you just can’t stand it any longer. If there going to do it…they are going to do it.
It’s a hard fact to face…when you are standing outside of their mind.
But you know what? If anyone is serious, and they are really going to do it…it’s done. It may not be tomorrow, a month, a year, or 20 years…it’s if your still there to see it.
Nah…no one wants to live though that shit. It may sound heartless…but the act is selfish.
And for my friend to feel what she felt yesterday is unacceptable. No one should carry that burden.
You can’t be miserable with someone that…well…is just fucking miserable. They want you to be there with them. You just can’t save people that don’t want to be saved.
You have to let them go. It’s very simple. But for some, it’s not so simple. See, we think that we can save the world….save them.
No…we can’t.
posted by iamfallingfromgrace at 2:14 PM
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