I found the trigger to drama….
In me that is.
I realized why I still talk to DD sometimes and why I can see it now in other people. After talking to M tonight I think I figured it out.
Why do I continue to talk to my decade of drama…or darkness….well, it’s very simple and complicated all at once.
I can honestly say my life has never been mundane….but then again, I don’t think anyone’s is…or has…or will be. It’s the level of drama that you let into your life….and how far you will let it turn your world into something that you don’t know anymore.
You look at the other person that you loved and it’s over. It’ might take a day, month, year or years…but it’s definitely over.
But when you have lived with drama…mass quantities…for years…it’s like a drug. Some people can stop…some can’t.
Something in the back of my brain….after we first broke up…after a day or a week seemed to fire up….it needed the drama and I could always count on either me or DD to deliver.
The hours turned to days…weeks…sometimes months...but I kept going back or he kept coming back…same difference.
It’s all the need for something other than the norm. You have something to bitch about at work or to your family…or friends if they choose to listen anymore.
People can tell me all they want about how to let it go…and they are absolutely right…in their world. Not in mine. The people that tell me to let it go have never been me and here or with him.
The one thing that I have never denied in the end…he is and was an abusive asshole. Got it…said it…over and over. There is a good person buried there….I’m just tired of trying to dig it out….plus…it’s not my fucking job anymore, it’s his.
He turned 33 two days ago…and he celebrated his birthday getting into a fight in a restaurant parking lot with a friend. He called me after and I answered…call it boredom or the little trigger. He was so excited that he had beaten someone up…he’s 5’6 130 and the other guy was 6’0 180 but DD won. He made that very clear, I as well, made it clear that it was disturbing on so many levels and I was going to bed…and I said it just like that.
He was on speed…and yes I can tell over the phone. Plus he was hanging out with his friend who he had just beaten up who is a speed freak. All assumptions on my part…but towards the end of us I had a 99.9% track record of “Is he on drugs today?” Not rocket science…well for most probably.
For once…with him, I had no fight left, no response…he can’t blame me anymore…all he has is himself.
Guess what I’m trying to say is sometimes it takes some people longer to realize what the world thinks they should do or think is right.
I never planned this…shit if I did…I would have planned it a hell of a lot better than this….or maybe not…I was never good at planning.
Would I take back what I lived through with him...absolutely not. I’ve learned more than most people will learn in their lifetime.
A good right hook would be one of them but that story has already been told.
Guess my initial point is…you never know another persons trigger. How long will it take before they are done?
Never even try to judge…and never judge…them….
Because “them” just might be you…someday.
I realized why I still talk to DD sometimes and why I can see it now in other people. After talking to M tonight I think I figured it out.
Why do I continue to talk to my decade of drama…or darkness….well, it’s very simple and complicated all at once.
I can honestly say my life has never been mundane….but then again, I don’t think anyone’s is…or has…or will be. It’s the level of drama that you let into your life….and how far you will let it turn your world into something that you don’t know anymore.
You look at the other person that you loved and it’s over. It’ might take a day, month, year or years…but it’s definitely over.
But when you have lived with drama…mass quantities…for years…it’s like a drug. Some people can stop…some can’t.
Something in the back of my brain….after we first broke up…after a day or a week seemed to fire up….it needed the drama and I could always count on either me or DD to deliver.
The hours turned to days…weeks…sometimes months...but I kept going back or he kept coming back…same difference.
It’s all the need for something other than the norm. You have something to bitch about at work or to your family…or friends if they choose to listen anymore.
People can tell me all they want about how to let it go…and they are absolutely right…in their world. Not in mine. The people that tell me to let it go have never been me and here or with him.
The one thing that I have never denied in the end…he is and was an abusive asshole. Got it…said it…over and over. There is a good person buried there….I’m just tired of trying to dig it out….plus…it’s not my fucking job anymore, it’s his.
He turned 33 two days ago…and he celebrated his birthday getting into a fight in a restaurant parking lot with a friend. He called me after and I answered…call it boredom or the little trigger. He was so excited that he had beaten someone up…he’s 5’6 130 and the other guy was 6’0 180 but DD won. He made that very clear, I as well, made it clear that it was disturbing on so many levels and I was going to bed…and I said it just like that.
He was on speed…and yes I can tell over the phone. Plus he was hanging out with his friend who he had just beaten up who is a speed freak. All assumptions on my part…but towards the end of us I had a 99.9% track record of “Is he on drugs today?” Not rocket science…well for most probably.
For once…with him, I had no fight left, no response…he can’t blame me anymore…all he has is himself.
Guess what I’m trying to say is sometimes it takes some people longer to realize what the world thinks they should do or think is right.
I never planned this…shit if I did…I would have planned it a hell of a lot better than this….or maybe not…I was never good at planning.
Would I take back what I lived through with him...absolutely not. I’ve learned more than most people will learn in their lifetime.
A good right hook would be one of them but that story has already been told.
Guess my initial point is…you never know another persons trigger. How long will it take before they are done?
Never even try to judge…and never judge…them….
Because “them” just might be you…someday.
posted by iamfallingfromgrace at 1:46 AM
3 Comments:
our body can become highly addicted to emotions.
i know too many people who are doped up on sadness, and really need to go to rehab.
Speed makes me fart.
www.crashtestcomic.com
nobody knows shit about shit about shit.
we may think we know and understand behaviors and motives and patterns and facial expressions and body language but we never know anything for sure.
all we ever have is a best guess.
one thing i find interesting is that every individual is composed of at least three personas; the person strangers know, the person friends know and the person only you know.
some people's personas are essentially the same no matter whos watching.
other people's personas always depend on whos watching.
the latter group have a knack for ending up on the front page.
Post a Comment
<< Home