My favorite movie...

Before and after…

A very appropriate name

for this certain hair gel.

My Little Demons...

Frank….

I think that’s his real name.

Some how no one knows…and it’s my father.

The biggest asshole that ever lived and he thinks he’s brilliant.

Not surprising to me.

Most assholes think they are fabulous, I’ve learned this from experience…they are quite the opposite.

Just my perception of course.

It’s been awhile…

I haven’t bought a paintbrush in years. These are definitely the low end on my scale.

10 brushes for $4.99 and a 12 page watercolor book only because I prefer the paper, the texture is better for charcoal… $6.99 for 12 sheets. I do like expensive paper.

I would save all my money to buy mink brushes, yes as in fur coats. They were the best. I paid $35 for one brush, which I still have. I don’t think they sell them anymore. I think it’s the whole non-fur craze.

Michaels (arts and crafts place for people that don’t know) was my Saturdays but now it’s driven towards baskets and fake flowers. There was only one isle for brushes and paint.

I pulled out one paintbrush with white bristles and a handle that looked like crystal and I actually said out loud “Holly shit!” because that baby was a Ferrari in a paintbrush.

Oh how I wanted it. $20.00 for one brush…one stroke.

I forgot what it was like to have a passion for something.

I remembered today.

A new fencing company moved into the building behind my house

Now this wouldn’t be an issue for me if there wasn’t so much male foot traffic over there now.

There is a 5ft. wall that separates my property from their parking lot and that wall is approximately 3 ft. from my bathroom window.

I haven’t thought much about it until I got out of the shower today and heard a man’s voice.

I looked over at my window and there was a guy leaning on the dividing wall talking on his cell phone and looking directly into my window as I was standing there bare ass naked.

I’m not sure how much he could see but I could see him pretty damn clear through my blinds.

I’m not much for interior design but I think I might have to reconsider my window treatments.

Is that what their called?

$651.18 in change…

Bad battery, bad fuel pump, diagnostics test and a hell of a lot of cash on labor but after two days I have my car back.

Shit that was half a month rent. Oh well all in a day’s non work.

I’m not doing so good at the job hunt thing.

I just want to lay down and die but don’t we all sometimes.

My doc put me on Lexapro and it was working for a couple of weeks then it started going down hill.

I started having good dreams instead of nightmares but the dread has returned…the impending blackness.

I fucking hate that.

I’m finding it hard to function at this point and no one understands because no one is here, not that I need anyone but it’s hard to explain to someone how I feel.

It would be easy to go back to Texas…now that I have cash in the bank but I feel I’m giving up.

All I ever wanted to be was an artist. I always dreamed of a loft in Soho. I’ve been drawing and painting since I was ten.

Now…I don’t have the courage to draw a motherfucking thing.

Some people don’t know how hard it is to pick your self up after all the pain. No one has seen my past…no one knows what I felt and how it effected me.

People judge me, they think I’m a loser. I might be that…I don’t deny it.

But I’m a good loser.

A quote I heard in a movie today

“Today was a bad day…I want a new one.”

There is always tomorrow.

People don’t understand

No one can ever be where you are at any given moment.

I took this picture on my 6th mile of walking…

The world was silent with every step.

Shit...

I hate days like today…

I had to go and do things that sent me into anxiety mode.

I know that everyone has to do things everyday that they don’t want to. I guess I’ve come to find that my skin isn’t as tough as most.

I am starting to realize that I’m finding my own way and I’ve grown tired of people telling me how I should do certain things and thinking they know how I feel.

No one knows what anyone goes through in this world, what they feel or how they felt at one exact moment.

I use to believe that I did but I know better now.

People should be there to stand beside you, not above you.

I was going to ask if anyone wanted Smores...

But this shit has gotten serious.

I took the first picture at about 3pm today and I just took the second one…both from my street.

To say the least it’s a little freaky in my neighborhood. It’s like a drive in movie but no ones in cars and there is no screen, just the hills on fire. Everyone is standing out on the sidewalk just watching to see how close the fire can get.

It's a little tense here and I just heard on the news that when the police were trying to evacuate people really close to the fire they had to clear out “lookie loos” (yes this was the term they used on the news).

People here actually drove towards he fire to see what was happening.

Huh?

Fuck it was hot here today...

And it still is at 10:30.

I actually had shit to do today but with no air in my car that wasn’t going to happen.

Honestly, I really do need to get out of the house. I know that working is a pain in the ass but without it my human contact has come close to zero.

Usually I don’t object to this but it bothered me the other night when the people in the front house had a huge party for the fight.

I was sitting on my bed watching TV and I could hear them cheering and laughing. Guess it made me feel a tad lonely and disconnected.

I’m over it though…really I am.

Besides, I have bigger fish to fry…like finding a fucking job.

Shit.

I knew it was getting old...

But I didn’t know it would go up in flames…oh but it did.

I knew it had been acting a little slow lately but I thought it was just going to slowly die.

Nah…it caught on fire.

I was heating up a piece of tempura shrimp and no I did not have it on oven…just on “toast the little sucker.”

I went to the bathroom to wash my face and when I walked back out it looked like a BBQ in my toaster oven.

I don’t think I requested that my shrimp be cooked that way… but I could be wrong.

I unplugged it and waited for a few seconds thinking it was just grease and would go out.

No, the little toaster oven was pretty serious about burning itself to death so I reached for the flour and threw a couple of hand fulls in it.

I was amazingly calm through the whole thing. Heh…a fucking mouse runs across my counter top and I scream like my toaster oven is on fire.

Go figure.

Doc says my liver is a little pissed

I don’t blame it. I’d be pissed too if I was it.

But we all have our problems right?

The liver isn’t that bad but it makes for a great headline huh?

Heh.

Seems I might have a slight thyroid problem.

Who did that?

I’m sure it was my Aunt Gene.

I’m not dying any time soon.

So you have to deal with me.

Ooh, forgot…Zingers in the fridge…have to go.