L.A. Poultry…

I drive by this sign every day…

“Live Fresh Food to go.”

What does that mean?

Do I have to buy a live chicken and kill it to eat?

The wonderment is going to make me stop some day and ask.

And I will.

“Shut the fuck up”

I’ve heard it before…I’ve heard it A LOT.

I press people to find their feelings.

Yes, I know it’s not a good thing but some times people do need to look inside.

I still don’t think I deserve those words. I don’t say them…I don’t say them.

That was the fourth time…the fourth fucking time he said something cruel to me and it’s the last.

I never said one unkind word to him.

Ever.

The rage is building…

I can feel it.

I need to calm down.

So many things have happened over the last few weeks.

I’m going to fucking explode.

I’m pointless but I have a point.

No one cares.

No one cares about shit.

But I do.

Everyone can go fuck themselves…

I don’t give a shit anymore…

It’s too hard.

I didn’t realize after that last post what I was actually saying.

No one has been through what I’ve been through…not my specific dilemma, that is.

It’s funny when you are in a situation you never see the aftermath. I now see it.

It’s disturbing and enlightening all at once.

Piles of shitty ass memories are coming up but the sun also continues to shine.

I lost my being with him but I never lost who I was. I just had to hide it…because he didn’t like it.

I can’t believe I went through what I did. I surprised I’m here today.

But you know what…it’s fabulous…now…again.

I think about him all the time…

He has a very endearing quality…

Just like so many brilliant people I have met over the last few years.

It’s amazing coming back from the dead.

It’s just too fucking short…

Worry, worry, wonder, ponder…again and again and again.

I got a box yesterday…quite unexpected that had a missing piece of my past.

I had told my mom that she had missed them going through my grandparents house…she didn’t believe me.

I remembered them when I was a child. Five quilts that sat in my grandparent’s garage.

I got them yesterday.

They are worn and they have seen better times but they are beautiful. They are my grandmother.

This world sucks…and losing her was one of the worst days of my life. Actually it was the worst day of my life.

But you know what? She worked in a hospital laundry for decades. She went through things that we read about in history books.

And we think we got shit bad?

My 26 miles to work has turned into 1,000. Is it really that bad?

Nah.

No. We have it easy.

I saw her in that laundry room…the steam…her cracked hands. She never complained. She worked hard with pride.

She was fabulous.

Seeing those quilts gave me some kind of strength.

I don’t like where I am now but I can change it.

I haven't explained the story of what's happening right now so no one knows where I really am.

Maybe that's a good thing for once.

It's weird...

That I don't think that is me. But it is.

The distortion of how I feel I look like is amazing in my mind. I think I'm hideous.

I've always looked to improve my inside because I never thought I was attractive.

This photo proved me wrong.

That's what I look like...that's who I am.

It blew me away.

And I have to do laundry tomorrow...fuck.

I saw vance this morning…

Bizarre… I usually have a feeling when I’m going to see him.

Didn’t today. He came outta of the fucking blue.

I was driving to work and I saw him riding his bike. From a block away I knew it was him…little did I know he was delivering
the 8th step from AA.

That bastard

Here is the letter…

“I’m making amends to you for man handling you, physically pushing and shoving you around, putting my hands on you when I obviously shouldn’t have.

All the times I was coming off drugs. The mental, physical and emotional torment.

Thank you for loving and caring for me.

I will always love you,
Vance”

It’s all bullshit…and I know it.

Did I hear…

I’m sorry?

No, I don’t believe I did.

If you can get through this mind fuck…I commend you.

I get the concept…but it’s painful.

Four minutes and thirty three seconds of silence with a full orchestra.

Three movements, in four minutes. His purpose was for people to hear the sounds around them.

To tell you the truth I fucking heard the air conditioning come on and some one searching for their keys, which fell to the floor. That person wanted to get the fuck out of there.

This guy had a vision but the fucking pain felt in the orchestra and the audience was over the top. Maybe that WAS his vision.

After every movement, the mass of people coughing and trying find air consumption was a bit over the top. I’m sure they were thinking, “I actually paid for this shit?”

I’m surprised some one didn’t die.

But it's kind of cool in a twisted way.

Can't knock a person for the way they envision themselves.

I talked to my brother last night…

I haven’t talked to him in months.

The phone number said unknown but I decided to answer it anyway.

A voice I’ve missed for so long.

Him and I…should have been twins.

We have been going through the same feelings at the same time through our whole lifes.

Fucking tired of life, tired of bullshit and being silent all at the same time.

Voicing our sensitivity is becoming a hindrance to our life.

We worry…we think too much, issues always there…when there are really none.

We never want to hurt anyone but we feel as if we do...daily.

We are the people no one ever sees.

We care about every thing…everyone…In a world where no one does.

We are the bizarre.

I actually prefer it, as painful as it is.

Sometimes feel I feel as if I’m some people’s personal punching bag

I’m not quite sure why.

I’ve tried to figure it out and maybe it’s something in my personality. I can be annoying just like everyone else but some of the shit people say to me they wouldn’t dare say to others around me.

Do I bring out the worst in people?

Do they feel as if I’m so weak that I won’t fight back?

Or am I just too sensitive for my own good.

I know sometimes I take things way to literally but what was said to me last night could not be mistaken as anything but cruel…and it came from someone I care about.

He has apologized several times but some times that just doesn’t cut it.

I’m very on guard now when I’m seeing someone. I’m always waiting for that sign that I may be in a bad situation. This isn’t the first time this has happened nor did I think it would be the last and unfortunately I was correct.

Things have been a little difficult for us in more ways than one so I’m starting to wonder if we’d be better off as just friends. That’s almost what it seems like any way. I know he’s going through a rough time right now but I’m so tired of people taking their frustrations out on me. I try so hard not to do that to others.

The one thing that people don’t understand about me is when shit like that happens I go right back to rock bottom. I start hearing Vance’s voice in my head.

“You’re nothing but a stupid fucking whore.”

It’s gotten better but I don’t think it will ever go away. Some times words just stick…I just wish they were good ones instead of those.

I want so much to save them…

But sometimes you just have to listen.

People did it for me in the past.

I’ve been down a hard road.

I don’t like to admit it…he broke me.

But Goddammit some one please listen to me.

She’s going to get hurt. Nailed to the fucking cross.

I know the signs well. Been there.

The one thing is respect.

If you don’t have that, you don’t have shit.