Things Change

Ex came over last night again, unannounced, drunk and broke. I was not in the loveliest of moods. It seems he had gone to Hollywood and went to a bar with friends and in the process lost his bus pass and all his money. He only wanted to borrow $3 dollars. Unfortunately, I had about 10 cents. I remembered a coffee can that I had hidden in the closet, from him by the way, that had change in it. I fished it out and gave it to him. He asked if he could have a glass of wine and I said yes but after he had to leave.

He said “Don’t you ever think that we are back at the same place we stared right before we met.” He said “Look at the dogs they are different but you had two with the same personalities that you had when I met you.”

“No V. I don’t think that way. Nothing is the same as it was and it will never be.”

He sat in my kitchen looking at me. He had his bag with him that he often carries with his personals and he kept searching it for the missing bus pass and his money. Over and over again, zipper after zipper was zipped and unzipped. I heard papers and metal. He would stop, mumble a few words and stop. Then the zippers would start again…..
Unzip….dig…grab…grunt
Zip….
Another pocket…unzip
Grab…yelling "motherfucker”….
Dogs running to mommy
Another pocket
Unzip…same pocket again…you just looked though that one
Zip
Him grunting then yelling “God DAMNIT”
Another pocket
Unzip…..things thrown on the floor
Zip…not in that one huh?
Over and over
Again and again.
Same pockets in that fucking bag and it was not to be found, obviously.

I realized last night that was my life. For the last 9 years. Oh I could have made that last part go on for a long time for someone, just to let them get the feeling of what I felt daily and last night, because that was a 30 min zipper session! But I sure as shit don’t want anyone to feel that.

Last night there was the most overwhelming feeling for him to leave. All I wanted was to be alone. When he left there was such a sense of relief. I know what he’s about. Unfortunately, I know that I will probably still talk to him. But things are different. The insanity that he brings, I can not, and refuse to, be around. What happened last night always happened even when he was sober. There was always something that made him miserable, angry, relentless, upset or just down right tragic.

He was constantly looking for something that he could never find and he still is.

That’s where we differ. That’s why it didn’t work. I see all that is good in the world and rarely do I see bad because I think there is good in everything. I can honestly say that there were very few times that he saw good in anything. And if he did it was trapped somewhere between fowl names and ugly sayings.

He did wake me up one morning, dragged me out of bed in my p-jays and drove me up the hill to see the most amazing rainbow I had ever seen. I was almost close enough to touch it. But I soon realized that those moments were few and far between. I actually can’t remember anymore than that one.

I still feel somewhere in me that he has a good heart but as I said, he is probably constantly looking for it and may never find it.

I think sometimes people are lost in this world and I can’t say I’m not one of them.

But some people want to be lost.