Sometimes words can not express how fucked up my life is...but I'll give it a shot

I’m not bitchin’…ok a little but I’m definitely not complaining….ok well maybe I am.

I do realize that I have it better than most and not as good as some.

I was pondering this as I was sitting outside smoking and saw my reflection in a truck bumper. I felt like I was five, at the fair and standing in front of those fun house mirrors.

At that moment I thought “This is my life and what the fuck am I doing?” I didn’t have an answer…I never do.

People have told me that if you think negative your life reflects that, maybe their right and wrong.

The material things in my life aren’t quite right. Low paying job, credit card debt, car with the 02 light still blaring in my face, a toilet that backs up if I look at it wrong and a computer, that is my one form of release, never fails to fail.

All material…all financial and it makes me feel like shit about myself. It was instilled in me at a young age that money is really important. There were times that my mom was out of work and we didn’t have food…well we had bread and butter (still my favorite by the way).

My sister and brother learned from that experience…I however did not. I will probably be one of the few, the proud, 65 year olds working at Micky D’s….BUT I can serve fries and know I was a good person in this life. There are so many people that never think about how they treat other people.

Every step I take in this world affects something or someone and so does everyone else’s but most people don’t think about that.

I’m sorry, I think that I’m trying to validate that I am a good person. I think about this the most when people are really shitty to me.

Funny though, as I was typing this three people called me…three really good people.

Everyday I see the good and the bad in this world. It pains me that there is more bad than good.

On a lighter note I’m going to buy a new computer. Mini Mac is for me and I’m going to buy it new….cash. It’s the bare bones but it’s not used and not a hand me down.

Which yet again makes me think…why the fuck am I doing this? No time to ponder though… have to go and rehearse…

“Do you want fries with that?”