“It comes in waves…and then nothing. Like a rest in music. No sounds…but so loud…”

It seems lately I’ve done nothing but piss people off. How I’m doing this I think I finally have an understanding.

I don’t think I know one person that has gone through two consecutive relationships that were abusive. My first one was mentally abusive and my second was mental and physical.

Please understand I’m not discounting anyone that has or came close to what I’ve been though or had so much worse than I've had I'm just trying to figure out something about myself that explains why I never say anything right.

I’ve have had to stay silent for so long. If I spoke there was mockery for the words I said or there was a beating.

Now I realize sometimes when I speak I boarder on cruel and angry sometimes because I hold my words until I can’t breathe anymore and when they eventually do flow it’s a stream of mass pain and anger.

I know it well…I’ve lived with it for long enough. I never thought I could be half as cruel as Vance but it looks like I got some of it.

I’m not the weak person I use to be but I can also be a horrible bitch. I just have to find the in between. I’ve lost my gray area.

I was consumed in Vance’s life and I admitted it to him the other day because I had to…I had to admit it to myself. He laughed…made fun of me and said he knew it all along.

His response wasn’t surprising to me I almost predicted his words but I had to do it for me.

I know life is a process and people have to learn from mistakes and I have made a shit load.

I’m also talking to people that are where I was 2 years ago…and I listen and listen…I try and offer advice but there isn’t shit I can say…just like all my friends did why I was with Vance.

I just don’t want them to continue on the same road of abuse and self hurt that I went through.

But what I say doesn’t matter…it didn’t matter when someone else said it to me.

What matters is how twisted they can become in the end or maybe how close that 911 phone call is…The one that could just be one second too late.

Because when a person lives with craziness they become warped and disfigured. They lose every perception of what they were or who they were.

I see this happening to people I know and I can’t do a fucking thing about it. People tried to tell me when I was there and I just wouldn’t listen.

Hindsight…I know the word very well.

I just don’t want anyone else to know it.