I finally got out of the house tonight….

Believe me it was nothing exciting. Went to the grocery store…wow big night out for India.

This fucking being on leave shit is not what anyone would think it’s cracked up to be. People at work seemed to think that I’d be laying in my bed eating bon bon’s watching the view and soaps everyday.

First of all I don’t even know what a fucking bon bon is. Second, I don’t think I could afford them at this point even if I did like them. And The View…soap operas? Are you fucking kidding me?

I feel as if I’m going to loose my mind at any point. Not that it hasn’t been traveling there for a while but when I’m left on days that seemingly melt into the next and I’m not quite as mobile as I’d like my mind tends to go places that are pretty fucking dark.

I guess I have to start admitting things to myself that I’ve been trying to cover up for a long time. I must admit I’ve done a damn good job of sweeping them under the rug but I guess it’s time to start facing some facts.

It’s hard to admit to my self that I have turned in to a person who has to make a conscience effort to eat, yet I buy food constantly that rots in my fridge.

Hard to admit that I think moving here I was running away from something…maybe conformity, still haven’t figured that one out.

I really hate to admit that maybe my Decade of Darkness was really me avoiding my life, just like he always told me.

I have and never will be normal and I don’t ever want to change that…I just wish sometimes I didn’t feel like such a fuck up.