What happened yesterday?

Or is it today.

Lost my ATM card. Damn…it just keeps getting better.

I really thought it was funny when I flipped up my cell phone to report my ATM card lost and I had no service because I didn’t pay my cell bill.

Heh…got ya.

Cell phone worked…ATM card still lost.

Then there was the part about me falling over a five foot wall.

I am currently on ice.

I fell after the ATM ordeal but does it matter?

This is your brain on Lexapro

And this is your brain without.

Or maybe I just found a 5X5 piece of rotted wood that sang sweet faces to me.

I’m not talking angelic….this one tends to go to the demonic stage.

And that’s what I do best…

Besides falling over a brick wall, it’s all good…nice day in LA.

Hell…I’m still alive…

Or am I?

Who gave Paula Abdul a reality show?

I’d rather watch the golf channel while trying to slit my wrists with a butter knife.

Fuck, if I stay home much longer that could be my tomorrow.

Nope, I haven’t found a job yet and my emotional state has slowly fallen over the last week.

My doc put me on Lexapro and I’ve been taking it. Now the prescription has run out and I’ve left five messages for him over the last couple of weeks with no return phone call.

So basically I’m coming off of anti-depressants and guess what?? I’m a little depressed.

He gave me this particular pill to help me start to feel normal again and I was almost there.

Fuck it…back to booze I guess. I write better when I’m drunk anyway and I think that happiness is over-rated.

Plus happy people get on my fucking nerves.

I’m slowly running out of time and money.

My grandmother use to say “pick your self up by your boot straps and go on.”

That pill could have been sugar coated shit for all I know and my doctor always calls me back but not this time.

So I’ll carry on.

A couple of good things have happened.

My ex came through for me and got the non-smogable Monster smogged. It was a very shady deal without being shady at all…it was the white smog mafia. I loved it! I got my 08 tags today.
July will be my final credit card debt payment. $17,000 in execrating $500 payments for almost 4 years.

Unfortunately, there are a helluvalot of other people waiting in line for money I don’t have. I think that most people have that problem though.

I have to always remind myself I have so much more than most.

Including Xanax…excuse me…I have to go now…heh.

Iamfallingfromgrace…

and oh how I fell

I talked to my sister tonight.

She said the word that my mother has engraved in my mind for years…

Stupid.

That one word makes me sick.

No one is stupid.

Las Encinas…

Ever heard of it?

I didn’t know about until yesterday.

I now know that John Frusciante stayed there.

I got an early morning wake up call.

Seems my friend decided to take a drive in her PJ’s. Hell I’ve done it.

She just happened to crash into her father-in-law’s brand new truck.

She voluntarily committed herself.

She stayed there for one day.

I had to wake up my next door neighbor and then I cracked a beer.

Seems that her soon to be ex-husband didn’t remember to take care of Coal (her dog with cancer) and she asked me to go and get him.

The fucking bastard can’t even take care of a dog.

Chris and I picked Coal up and that’s then the plans changed. She wanted out.

I reeked of beer (yes only one, believe it or not) and I had to go into this hospital to check my friend out with Chris and Coal in tow.

It was definitely an experience.

One I want to remember.

Megan has helped me so many times. I jumped at the chance to help her.

The weakest people stay in those places for months.

The stronger people stay for a day.

$4.99.

And they smell pretty.

I can’t explain what happened today.

It lives in my mind until tomorrow.

I picked up a paintbrush for the first time in a long time

Now it may be shit…I haven’t decided yet. It’s a present for a friend. Some work to do on it and I’m a little rusty. I am also working with new materials. We live and learn thought right?

I’ve learned a lifetime today.

A friend of mine is in trouble. I’ve never talked about her here before.

She’s brilliant…a shinning star. She just doesn’t know it yet.

Some people don’t understand how wonderful they are until it’s to late.

She talked about suicide.

I sit here and look at Joe’s picture. What a waste of such a good person.

In all actually he wasn’t a waste he just got crushed…. horribly.

We all do at one point or another.

Life goes on…

It’s if you chose to make it go on.

Maybe I missed something with her. I just never expected this.

You know what it was? I thought I was so fucking smart that I could help her.

I can’t help anyone because I’m fucked up as well.

I use the word hate very carefully. I don’t hate anyone but I do hate what people do to other people.

They nail them to the walls and refuse to see their side of the story…that is my hate.

Life goes on and I know this very well…heh, I talked to my mom tonight.

She was actually right on a lot of points…wrong on most but hey…we disagree…it’s our thing.

All I know is a friend of mine is somewhere she shouldn’t be.

One of the strongest caring beings I have ever met.

And I wonder why no one sees that but me.

Fucking spiders

I don’t mind being bitten by one, but on my forehead? Come on…I have a fucking growth the size of a golf ball now…at least I have bangs.

I will search and destroy it!

Now that the joking is over even though it did happen…I have to confess.

A lot.

The reason for my post the other day about Vance is he stayed here for four days. He didn’t have anywhere else to go.

I tried to help him and I know what everyone thinks…why would I do it again (and no we did not have sex…gross).

I had to kick him out once again after the words he said in that post that I wrote because my heart can’t take it anymore.

He came over a couple of days later after drinking more than his body weight and doing blow.

He knocked and I let him in. He sat across the room from me and rubbed the dog’s heads.

I asked, “How are you?”
He replied, “How do you think?”

He walked out without saying a word.

He didn’t come back.

I called him and asked what that visit was all about.

“I’m through with you, you make me feel like a loser…FUCK YOU!

It hurt and it will always hurt but maybe I needed for me to release me instead of me hanging on.

I do hate to say, if he’s found dead in a ditch tomorrow I won’t be surprised but I’ve done all I can do.

No one can save anyone that doesn’t want to save themselves.

I know where I’ve been and I know why I think the way I do.

I know why I like chick flicks because I always wanted to be the chick.

I know why Vance and I were together because it was just like my mother and father.

I’m not walking through life blind like people think I do…I would just prefer to.

All I ever wanted in this life...is to be a good person.

Don’t worry…I’m not putting a bullet through my head, just yet.

I do think about it sometimes but I don't have a gun. So why would I have bullets?

I just wonder why life is so cruel.

But it is.

WooHoo!!!!

Thisishowmyripleywent…

I found a knot on her the size of a golf ball the other day.

Today Rip and me took that long ride to the vet, that she so hates…as do I.

Ripley and I have three choices:

1-Wait and see if it’s just a fat deposit. If it gets bigger bring her back in.

2-Draw out some of the fluid and test it, which the vet said would be about 70% accurate.

3-Take it out all together.

“It seems the fact that Ripley is crippled makes it hard for vets to decide exactly what to do.”

I nodded my head and said “Thanks.”

I am currently looking for a new vet.

Curiously enough, this same vet worked at an emergency hospital that I took my crippled cat Bear to and once for Ripley. She thought something was wrong with them.

UUUMMMMM Yeah…their crippled.

Get the fuck over it or go back to school and learn something mind-boggling.

Sometimes animals have the same problems that people have.

The one quote that kept ringing though my mind after her being such a BITCH though the whole procedure was…

“Buck: Here's a quarter. Go downtown and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face.”

Yes she had a couple of molds but she was also unkind.

So to quote one of my fabulous friend….

“Kiss it sister!”

He told me this story…

As she dropped her makeup on the bus floor…

He helped her pick it up.

She said, “Can you tell?”

He said, “Yes.”

“Is my face swollen?”

“Yes.” He said.

“My boyfriend hit me.”

He thought…don’t you have a brother or a father that can kick his ass?

He saw my face in her face.

He told me “I’m sorry…I wish there would have been someone here to kick my ass for what I did to you.”

Oh, I had to gasp…so sweet.

Ah…the painted picture was perfect…

“I still don’t see any guys in line wanting to marry you though.” He said.

Then it progressed.

“YOU FUCKING WHORE, YOU FUCKING BITCH…CUNT…I’M RIGHT AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE WRONG.”

And it progressed again.

“You little fucking bitch...just walk away.” He said.

I walked away.

I can’t look back…my shoulders can’t bear his weight anymore.

How sick am I?

I’m sorry but I love high speed chases.

Unfortunately, this guy is probably going to die. “Armed and dangerous and is being chased due to a shooting incident” is what the news is saying.

I watched it for two hours…I love this shit.

The guy surrendered. I thought the cops would have killed him…nope. I was very surprised.

I just want to see someone beat the LAPD.

Just that one person that’s smart enough or wicked enough.

Again…how sick am I?

THISISHOWMYMORNINGWENT

Are people too proud or too weak?

It’s an excellent question…so amazing it can never be answered.

I learned in the last year that there is no answer to any personal question. Ever.

I now know to listen and say “this is only my opinion.” When I chose to give my advice.

I always thought there were three sides to ever story…now I know there are twenty….or thirty.

He needed help today…

I wanted to say no but the sound of his voice…made me think otherwise.

He needed someone that knew him better than anyone else.

He fucked up again but who am I to judge.

We all fuck up but who is the judge?

Judge thee…Heh

He will always be my friend.

It really doesn’t matter what people say.

We are what we are.

Sent my resume at 12ish AM last night…

Got a phone call this morning at 10:30.

I just thought she was calling to set up an interview…wasn’t ready for the third degree.

A fifteen minute phone interview is what I got.

I’ve never had one of those before. I’ve heard of them but I thought they were an urban legend.

Not so sure how I did. I know I want the job and know I can do it.
This job is for a non-profit dog rescue and it is a 9-5er or over and some Saturday’s on adoption days.

I called my Mom tonight and told her about it. She immediately asked me how much it paid and I soon heard her typing the numbers into her calculator.

“You can’t do it India.”

“I can if I get a second job Mom.”

“You won’t do it.”

Not to make her sound like a bitch because I’ve given her every right to doubt me but this could be the one time she’s wrong.

I’ll never be the things that my family wants me to be.

I’ll probably never be the things I dreamed I would be when I was ten.

But I keep trying.

I have succumb to searching for anything but the 9-5

Either the pay is fucking crap or it’s back to the same fucking crap for the same fucking pay.

Just felt like saying fucking a lot. Haven’t said it or for that matter done it in a while.

I was looking at all the corporate sites, anything I could find. All the leads people gave me didn’t pan out and I gave up for awhile.

I started looking for anything tonight…from writing for a porn site (no experience necessary) to a caregiver.

Then one struck me and I want it so bad I could scream.

I’m qualified for it…it pays less that I was making at my old job but for this one I would get a second job.

I’m not getting my hopes up…

Yeah right…