7:42 am...

The girls woke me up barking. There was no knock at the door. I looked out the window. There was a man standing in the common yard. He did not move but his eyes looked at me. I'm not opening the door, I didn't know who he was.

My dogs kept barking. I looked again...he was still there staring at our front door and his eyes came to me looking through the window.

Then he was gone.

He kind of disappeared in a whisper. We are in the back house and people have to search to find us. I didn't hear the front gate which I always do. Nothing...he was just there.

At 2:30am that morning there was shooting right across the street from us. The man pulled out a gun and started shooting at nothing. The Glendale Police were called and he open fired on them. Suicide by police. They killed him.

Do I believe that was the man standing in my yard? Yes. But he was already dead.

I believe in ghosts. Do I think it was him? Yup. The pain in his eyes was black.

It was weird.

PTSD is not a joke...I thought it was.

I didn't know I was living in hell until the hell left.

The smallest thing will send me on a rampage.

I do not like this thing in myself.

My roommate called me today looking for some thing in his room. Sorry, I was asleep. I haven't been sleeping that well so when I can catch it I don't move.

The message was ugly. "India! are you there? Wake up! Are you sleeping? Wake up! I need you to find some thing in my room. Pick up the phone."

The cherry on the top was when he was hanging up the phone he said "Son of a bitch."

Really? I just did not hear this.

Horns grew on the top of me head. I called him. He answered. I said "Don't EVER leave me a message on my answering machine and cuss." I hung up.

My hands and legs were shaking. They still are.

I find it bizarre how the littlest things don't effect people like they do me.

I still remember where I put every thing. Men out there buy a chain for your wallet. Where did I find his wallet after two hours of saying I stole it? The fridge. Did he want to cool money he didn't have?

When people say they can't find a wallet or keys...really? I know...why don't you know?

DD thought me how to find things for him. This is how I found out the saying "It's always in the last place you look."

The minutes and hours of searching for his shit I realized it's the first place you left it.

His birthday was yesterday. I always made it special because he never really had good ones. He hated me for that.

I don't understand what he did to me but I'm starting to find out. I've gotten better.

The "Sleep with one eye open or I will kill you." Still has not faded.

I have my bouts of PTSD. My brain goes into defense mode. People telling me to calm down...heh. It's a trigger for me. Don't tell me what to do.

I can't stand this shit.

Will the nightmare of him chocking me go away?

I'm starting to remember so many things I wanted to forget.

Why was I there? Why did I stay?

I don't know if any woman that can answer that question.

Men can fix cars but not toilets...

Really?

I bought the parts.

My roommate got home and I handed him the parts.

I said "While you are doing this I'm going to take the girls for a walk."

His response: I'll be done in 5 mins.

Me and the girls got back from a 15 min walk.

"Is it fixed?"

He said "Yup...it's fixed."

"Why's the water still running in it?"

He looked at it with me.

He said "The handle is corroded. That's the problem."

He walked away. Was the handle the problem? No.

Did I fix it? Absolutely.

I don't know why men can't fix toilets or clean them but women can.

Pot Roast...

I love to cook it. I started it at around 6pm. The smell is so fabulous I want to eat the air.

7pm I added corn on the cob.

Yes. I will be eating this at 1:30am.

Didn't I just blog about being fat? Yes, I think I did.

My problem is sugar. It always has been.

I decided to stop eating sugar at 3am this morning after a sugar loaded Chevron coffee. I've done this before when I knew I had a problem with sugar.

It's been almost 23 hours and I want to rip some ones face off. I do love sugar that much.

Where are my Ding Dongs when I need them?

Did any one think about deep frying them?

That would be fabulous! Fuck.

I'm at 133lbs.

No. This is not acceptable to me.

I once weighed in at 189lbs.

Everyone told me I was fat. Thanks for the reminder. Like I don't see this.

Do you know what it's like to go to Home Depot when a girl is fat? You don't get SHIT for service. I would see people that worked there and say "Excuse me? Can you help me"" That would be a no.

The sink did not get fixed that day.

I went to a local hardware store a couple of weeks later and they helped me. The owner was so sweet, he told me the whole process. I fixed the sink.

A year and a half later after losing a good 70-80lbs I went back to Home Depot. I was just looking for the out cast paint. It's fabulous! All the poor discarded paint. Love it.

I was surrounded "Can we help you?"

I don't need three men to help me pick out my paint.

So if I'm fat you won't help me but if I'm thin you will surround me.

I don't get it.

I don't like people touching me that I don't know.

This is why I chose to do my own hair.

Over two days I colored and cut it.

No one fucks with my hair but me.

A LAUNDRY MAT I LIKE?

NO! What will happen with the the Laundry Mat O' Hell blogs?

I found the perfect laundry mat. The parking is crowed...no wonder.

They have big screen TV's and air conditioning!

The floors were spotless.

The binds that you load your clothes in are new. Huh? There is no disgusting hair wrapped on the tires? Weird.

Best part...wait...wait...wait...

I could see all the buttons on the washers...they weren't warn off. I could pick my water temperature and the cycle.

I almost passed out.

Those dryers also sucked every inch of dog fur off my pillows, sheets and comforter.

What more can you ask for?

Maybe a bar across the street with Mexican food.

The nachos are fabulous!

Falcon?

No. I feed sparrows and doves...

I walked by the front door and saw a huge bird land by the bird food.

I thought "That was not a Pigeon."

I backed up an peeked my head around the door.

Yeah...that's a fucking falcon four feet from me.

It was a good foot in height. I did stand in ah.

It was beautiful.

Small things in life that happen in 60 seconds.

hypervigilance...

"People with arousal disorders see danger everywhere and obsess about it constantly, there is likely to be little rest for them. They are more apt to be constantly busy handling perceived threats, and will usually have a difficult time getting to sleep or staying asleep because they know that losing consciousness by falling asleep will cause them to let down their guard.'

He always told me he would kill me when I was sleeping. He said he would slit my throat. That's when I started hiding the knives.

Thanks for the fabulous fucking nightmares.

I loved to sleep. I'd turn the a/c to 55 and curl up with tons of blankets.

"Losing consciousness by falling asleep will cause them to let down their guard."

I don't like unconscious. I can't fight.

The best night sleep I got was a few years ago. I felt safe. I wanted to stay in bed all day.

My roommate bought a Hoover...

$150 bucks...P.A.W.S friendly. When I was young my Ma always had "The Hoover".

When I was 7 I put a hole in a fish tank with a chair trying to get my parakeet off of the curtain rod.

5 gallons of water on shag carpet.

I used the Hoover. That baby sucked up 5 gallons of water and I was not electrocuted in the process.

It actually worked after that mass of destruction.

This Hoover...yeah, no.

It's a piece of shit.

It really didn't pick up any thing. It just kind of rolled the dog fur around. It made me doubt my intelligence.

I turned it off and looked to see if I had done something wrong. That's when I saw it.

Are you serious? There is a sticker on it that says "Contact Us. Do not return to the store."

Interesting. There was definitely a "What?" moment. It's brand new.

They just branded their product CRAP and it is.

I ordered a new filter for my Dirt Devil today.

In 5 to 7 days I can vacuum.

I dreamt about this art piece...

I had to finally draw it.

I always saw my self looking down.

My roommate thinks...

that putting tons of lighter fluid on the coals kills germs on the grill. What? This I do not understand.

That shit is toxic. My dogs were coughing and he couldn't smell a thing.

The smell is still stuck in my nose.

I love my food. I don't like gas as a topping.