You know what?

No one is right.

We all open our mouths and bullshit ensues.

The simple truth....we have absolutely no idea what another human being is going through.

Never.

I don’t know what it’s like to go through the terrible threes for a mom.

I don’t know what a divorce is.

I have no idea.

I wish I did…. almost.

Almost as much as I want to tell myself to shut the fuck up.

Monday...

I find out about all my blood tests.

Do I think something is wrong with me?

Maybe.

Dr. D seems to think I’m ok for the most part but it seems, yet again, I’m the best depressed person he’s seen. I’m sure he says it to all of the girls.

He says I’m self medicating with booze. Have I talked about this before? I don’t remember…I was probably drunk.

Hell, we all have our problems, mine are no worse or better than the person standing next to me at any given time.

The thing that disturbed me the most today is…

I cleaned my house.

I really might be sick.

I want to scream so silenty it hurts

People like us scream out loud and no one listens.

So what’s the fucking point?

None.

I want to tell her it’s a long road.

A. REALLY. LONG. FUCKING. ROAD.

I can’t describe it…no one can.

She’s hitting the end and I know it…it fucking kills me and my fucking heart hurts because I can't do a fucking thing about it.

I want to say it’s going to be ok because it’s going to be ok.

It will get better.

I promise.

I swear.

Don’t make me swear.

Damn it…Fuck.

How many live wires are there?

Hmmmm....

He pulled the radio out…

Clipped a wire and held out the above part…no electrical tape…live wires.

“Did you install this?” he said

“Oh hell no…I don’t do electricity. I can work on cars but I don’t fuck with wire.”

It took two guys to figure out exactly what was done by the person that installed the last radio.

After all was said and done they were amazed that my car hadn’t caught fire and that I haven’t been blowing fuses every week.

I thought I was crazy to spend $150 on a stereo. I guess things happen for a reason.

I finally have music in my car that I don't have to beat with a fist or boot.

it's cool...I'm amazed.

and I'm not on fire which is a plus...heh

$150.00

8:30am. New CD player in the car.

10:00am. Doctor…blood test.

Hell, if I die, it will sound nice…heh.

I found it this morning when I was walking the dogs...

Such a pretty thing, on the sidewalk…no one bothered to pick it up.

Why don’t people stop and pick up the beautiful things?

Ahh...California Rain...

It was so nice to wake up to it yesterday morning. I was all cozy in bed with the dogs and the sound of the rain outside the open widows.

Wait…my windows aren’t open.

It took me a second to comprehend what was going on.

I looked up and thought “Is that water coming through my bedroom ceiling? But of course!”

One drip no problem…a couple still not a problem but it was raining in my bedroom.

I called my landlord.

“There’s a leak in my bedroom ceiling.” I said

“Put a bowl under it and I’ll be there tomorrow. He replied

“Dude…I don’t have that many bowls but it’s doesn’t matter to me It soaking through your carpet.”

I think that got his attention.

He worked on it all day in the rain. I slept though most of it because I guess I caught my sisters cold when I was in Texas.

I offered to help at one point but roof meant heights and I don’t do that well.

It made me think that it was nice to be in Texas for a little while. Everyone in my family has nice houses, every room is the perfect tempter, dishes clean, floors spotless, it felt like I was in a resort where I didn’t belong.

It was a culture shock being there and not some much of one when I got home.

It’s hard to sum up that trip because it went by so fast and everything was so special.

I have to say though that as different as we all are as individuals, we all get along amazingly. It was so nice to be there again.

I miss them.

I saw it…a flash in time…

A heartbeat.

He was, for one second, who I fell in love with.

It gave me justification that I’m not insane.

I tried to wait for him to come back through the years. It doesn’t happen.

He walked away and I had to turn around.

“Hey, I know now why I loved you.”

He nodded his head and halfway smiled.

“Thanks” He said.

That moment released me…ME. It just takes one fucking second.

No one can save a broken person. I tried for years.

He almost made me one…

Or am I one already?

Well kinda…but aren’t we all?

THISISHOWMYTEXASWENT,,,

The sirens went off…then the sheets of rain that looked like snow.

Massive thunder and lighting, then it stopped…silence…yellow sky.

You have to live through it to know it.

Twisters are coming.

Anyone from tornado alley knows the silence might be your tombstone.

Did I miss Texas at this point? Hmmm…let me think…

No

“You belong in Hollywood,” he said.

“Excuse me?”

He repeated it and whipped out his card, handed it to me and walked away.

I’ve heard of it happening to 18 year olds but me?

Hell, I’ll take that complement if it was one and try and hit him up for a job. Let’s just hope it’s not porno.

That was the tail end of my Texas trip…the last week has been a tornado…literally.

It was incredible to see my family again without a funeral involved.

I forget sometimes how much I love them and miss them.

I also forgot how my mom hugs me until she almost cries and then watches me walk through security and towards my gate until we can’t see each other anymore.

I love her so much.

Bigfoot Lodge....

Four hours sleep
plane ride
drunk
orange corvette
brother pushed it to 100
beautiful beast
I forgot how cars did that
At my Mom's house
Gurrero
Joe
We talked about him
tattoo didn't set well
neither did the eyebrow bar
I think
I left the two most famous people in my life
with a junkie
DD
You fuck up
spells death
Tired of fear
Dallas however, is sunny and fair
no signs of heat
not yet

I asked about Adam...

“He’ll never be the same” he said.

I knew I shouldn’t have asked.

The store started to twirl around me and the tears started to roll down my face.

I remember him on the ground bloody and twisted.

“I was there.” I said

“You were?”

“Yeah, I was telling him not to move.”

A manager walked by and heard us talking and saw me and asked the situation.

“You were there?”

“Yes”

He walked two steps and tapped a guy on the shoulder and he turned around…

I almost screamed “You were there with a girl when I was calling 911.”

He smiled and nodded.

I proceeded to not know what the fuck I was doing.

I broke down in Trader Joe’s.

All the sudden he said “Are you alright?”

“Yeah…I’m sorry…I’ll be fine.”

I went to my car and sobbed…I just don’t do that.

Some moments in time freeze. The night on the bridge did.

It’s hard to describe a picture when you are the only person that has seen it.

Dead girl walking...

It was my last day.

Just two weeks shy of fourteen years.

My heart hurts...

“It comes in waves…and then nothing. Like a rest in music. No sounds…but so loud…”

It seems lately I’ve done nothing but piss people off. How I’m doing this I think I finally have an understanding.

I don’t think I know one person that has gone through two consecutive relationships that were abusive. My first one was mentally abusive and my second was mental and physical.

Please understand I’m not discounting anyone that has or came close to what I’ve been though or had so much worse than I've had I'm just trying to figure out something about myself that explains why I never say anything right.

I’ve have had to stay silent for so long. If I spoke there was mockery for the words I said or there was a beating.

Now I realize sometimes when I speak I boarder on cruel and angry sometimes because I hold my words until I can’t breathe anymore and when they eventually do flow it’s a stream of mass pain and anger.

I know it well…I’ve lived with it for long enough. I never thought I could be half as cruel as Vance but it looks like I got some of it.

I’m not the weak person I use to be but I can also be a horrible bitch. I just have to find the in between. I’ve lost my gray area.

I was consumed in Vance’s life and I admitted it to him the other day because I had to…I had to admit it to myself. He laughed…made fun of me and said he knew it all along.

His response wasn’t surprising to me I almost predicted his words but I had to do it for me.

I know life is a process and people have to learn from mistakes and I have made a shit load.

I’m also talking to people that are where I was 2 years ago…and I listen and listen…I try and offer advice but there isn’t shit I can say…just like all my friends did why I was with Vance.

I just don’t want them to continue on the same road of abuse and self hurt that I went through.

But what I say doesn’t matter…it didn’t matter when someone else said it to me.

What matters is how twisted they can become in the end or maybe how close that 911 phone call is…The one that could just be one second too late.

Because when a person lives with craziness they become warped and disfigured. They lose every perception of what they were or who they were.

I see this happening to people I know and I can’t do a fucking thing about it. People tried to tell me when I was there and I just wouldn’t listen.

Hindsight…I know the word very well.

I just don’t want anyone else to know it.

The black hole...

Where does it come from and why do so many people I know find it.

I’ve lived there for years…almost my whole life…nah that’s not true…it is my life.

It’s amazing that people don’t understand what they have.

They call me and bitch. I know everyone does it. I do it.

There is one point that I have learned that I just can’t explain…or people don’t want to hear.

Your life is what you make it.

I learned it. I went through a lot of shit and I’m still fucking up.

I think I like tripping over my own feet…but I know I do.

Walking though life blind is wonderful.

Thinking about it is torture.

The man that interviewed me spoke a language that few understand...

I just happen to be one of those few.

I didn’t go to school for it and didn’t strive to be it…it just happened that way. Unfortunately for me, it is rare that jobs open up in my field and oh what a job this one is.

After he finished describing the position, he looked up at me and said “I’m sure that didn’t make any sense to you.” I replied, “Of course it did, it’s what I do.” He smiled then laughed.

It took everything I had in me not to jump over his desk, grab his shirt and scream in his face “I am this job!”

It was one of the most amazing job interviews I’ve ever been on and I can’t believe I can actually say that. Hell, I can’t even believe I was considered for this position.

Though the whole thing I kept thinking…where have I been? Is this really me?

I can fuck up turning a light on but when it comes to my job I can be quite amazing. I’ve lost faith in myself over the last couple of years career wise. During those thirty minutes he made me realize what I have accomplished. The passion I still have for my old company and all the shit I’ve been though with it.

I actually had to point out that I worked at my last company twice. The first round I was hired as an assistant. I did the job I was hired for and also did the traffic managers job. When all the clients started to like me more than him things started getting ugly. That’s when I left and went on to greener pastures. A company that was based in Culver City, which is a far cry from Hollywood.

Hmmm…just so happens that company moved into the building of the company I use to work for. They fired the traffic manager a few months later and since I was in the area they hired me back in his position.

“Did the same boss hire you back?” he said

“Yes.”

“That’s impressive.”

“Really. Is it?” I said

Thatishowmyinterviewwent.

I have to laugh…I’ve been trying to write this post all morning. The words just don’t seem to come out right…

Then the phone rang.

Seems another division of the company I currently work for is interested in me.

“Me?”

I had to turn around to see if someone else was behind me.

Heh…

I think the hat may have been a little much...for an interview

I just have to breathe...

and remember that my world does not depend on this.

I tried on "interview clothes" last night and decided against the corporate America look. Men can look hot on an interview but women tend to look stuffy.

I don't think I'm in a stuffy mood today...I'm in an India mood.

Today is an experiment...

Let's see how they like me instead of what I want them to see.

ok...maybe I do want to talk about it...

I don't like to say a lot when I have a job interview because when I do people want to know all about it after it's done. I'm not the greatest at job interviews and I never have been. I know all the answers to the questions but I tend to trip over my words.
I don't really feel this way about tomorrow because as I said last night I have no reason to be afraid. If I get it cool, if I don't fine and I don't even know if I want it yet so why get worked up. Oh I'm doing good at this calm thing.

I guess the reason I want to talk about it is the person that got me the lead on this job asked me if I was going to wear my eyebrow piercing to the interview. I don't fault her for this, I guess it just annoyed me that she even asked. She made me think about it for a few minutes. I told her there were clear rods that I could put in and no one could tell.

The fact is, I don't want to work for a company if I can't wear it or show up on an interview with it. Now I'm sure most people don't think that way and that's fine. A couple of people I've talked to said maybe I should take it out. Oh yeah, I forgot I have to wake up a couple of hours early to rip off my tattoos. I mean you never know what they are going to make you do on an interview. Glad I'm not an actress.

It did get better though..she asked me if I had suitable interview clothes.

Me? Of course...

What's wrong with ragged jeans, a sparkly "Glam Rock" t-shirt and cowboy boots.

Is she fucking kidding me? I know how to dress for an occasion...whatever it might be.

I really am grateful to everyone that I work with for making calls for me but honestly, it makes me think maybe I shouldn't be in the business I'm in.

I think they had faith in the job I did for them but they really didn't like the way I looked and I have been told this.

Sometimes I look at the way other people dress and think the same thing some of my co-workers probably think about me but I'm a little more in the realm of "What Not to Wear." I don't like to see a 30 year old woman wearing 60 year old woman's shoes...no high water pants...if your going to wear low rise jeans wear a t-back or go commando cause the big baggy panties hanging out the top just don't work.

How did me talking about an interview come down to fashion? I have no fucking idea.

Maybe I'm pissed that people perceive me as idiot.

Maybe because I've tried to put myself in a place that I never really fit.

Maybe because I just might have faith in myself this time.

Or maybe I just want to tell the whole fucking world to fuck off.

A question just came to mind

How many times can one person watch these three movies in one day? I'm still working on that answer. So far for me WAY to many times but I like them...all three.

I also think the reason I didn't do anything and was all over the place today was fear. Yup, India is a tiny bit frightened of the future so I don't want to face it. I always let fear get the best of me and I have nothing to be scared of at this point.

I like knowing what's going to happen the next day and then I don't. I mean I like knowing I have some stability but don't necessarily want my life to boarder on boredom. Thing about it is, my life is rarely boring but the thought of not having a job is starting to wear on me but like I said I have no reason for fear yet.

I do have to say that this, among other things is teaching me something. I worry too much, think too much and question things to the point of annoyance.

I need to learn to live in the moment with a little less thought and a lot more passion.

Damn, I can get deep on a Tuesday night huh?

If your wondering...

Back to the Future - one and a half times
Back to the Future II - twice
Back to the Future III - once going for a second time right now

Don't bust my balls...it's been a weird day.

I had every intention of getting shit done today...really I did

It just didn't work out that way.

I got up early and called in to work and told them I wouldn't be there today. I was getting ready to sit down and make a list of all the things I needed to do but my mind started wandering...to my stomach. I was starving. First thought was a breakfast jack but after stopping by the store to get a Godiva Vanilla Latte (yes, heaven in a bottle) I happened to see a place down the street from me that had a breakfast special. Two eggs over easy, 2 sausages, hash browns and toast all for the low low price of $3.50. Oh did I mention that comes with lard? I haven't had a breakfast that good since my grandmother was alive.

Came back ate my breakfast, had my latte, watched a little tv and by noon I was asleep. I woke up at 4:00. Yeah...half the shit I had to do needed to be done a little before that and the other half I didn't feel like doing after that. So I went to the store and bought a bunch of crap and by that I mean food that's real crap like Popsicles, Kool-aid, Jello and bologna. Ummmm....yeah don't ask me why those were my choices and don't be scared I did buy wine as well...I haven't completely lost my senses.

By the way, if anyone out there envies me for not doing a damn thing today keep in mind all ya'll have jobs. Things for me in that department may be looking up but I'm not going to elaborate on that just yet.

Also, looks like I'm going back to Texas for a small trip since, as of next Monday, I will be unemployed. Funny...of all days my brother will be here the day after my last day of work and I'm flying back with him a couple of days later. Weird how things work out sometimes.

Wow I'm all over the place tonight.

I guess that's what happens without any brain stimulation and too much lard and sugar.

What is that?

I thought the same thing when I tried to put a CD in it tonight.

Why would I do this when i have a new mac?

Dork comes to mind.

I have fought with the above piece of shit for years. Kicking and screaming at it. For some odd reason I put a CD in it tonight....yeah it didn't work.

I thought...well, how the fuck can I listen to music?

Since I've gotten this computer...uhhum...I have to call it...Lotus (if anyone knows cars they know what I'm talking about) I don't realize the power of the animal I have.

I could hear a cd playing when I was in the shower.

Shit...I use to risk my life to get out of the shower to bang on the old friend that will now be....hmmmm.....

Art work?