Guns and Roses and the ex calls….

I haven’t heard from him in a couple of months except for the random phone calls that I don’t answer.

I actually picked up the phone tonight when he called. That was a true mistake. He will NEVER be kind to me….never.

Phone call:
Me: Hi.
DD: Can you put my cell phone bill in the mail box?
Me: Yes I will.
DD: Tonight or tomorrow?
Me: Tomorrow
DD: I still wanted to be able to talk to you.
Me: I don’t know what you want me to say
DD: I don’t give a FUCK what you have to say
Me: “click”

I’m tired.
I have to accept. Fuck it…whatever….
It still upsets me. I can’t deny it. You love and care for someone for years and in their eyes you are garbage. I still don’t get that. I keep trying to validate myself and think that I was the good one. I guess no one is really the good one.

I didn’t ….cheat….steal….lie…and fuck someone over or fuck someone else. He did.

I didn’t do it to him. So why did he do it to me?

If you don’t love someone anymore, can’t you say so? Why can’t you tell them and just leave. Why do you have to put them through so much misery? Lead them to believe that you are still in love with them. I don’t get it.

I had disillusions of grandeur….or have… I guess I always will.

I FOUND MY KEY!!!

I found my car key! WOO HOO!!!!

Right outside my front door glimmering in the sun this morning!!!!

I’m so happy!

The world is now complete!!

I’ve searched for the answer of “Why?”

I hold my head in my hands and think how….
There is no answer.
There will never be an answer to that one word.....why.....
But there are certain people in this world that stand out and try to explain it.
We are the wall flowers that care about everything.

People tend to walk over the flowers.

This is how my morning went……

Stayed up way to late last night….
8:00am - Woke up to a bright and shining morning….it’s about 80 here. Gross. So I went back to sleep.

11:00 - When I woke up this time, my rip (one of my dogs) was lying right next to me. Little brown eyes looking at me, so cute. (Mind you little brown eyes does not constitute for a small dog.) She was tired too because she sat beside me until the wee hours when I was on the computer last night. She stretched out her front legs and one of her claws caught me right in the nose. Yup. Wounded again. The suspect is now outside laying in the sun. I’m just waiting for my lawyer to call back so I can file the papers for dogal abuse. She has no remorse….something has to be done!

11:45 I call M. Ok. Yes I’m from Texas and I should expect these things. Her husband went (this is really hard for me) to pick them up burgers from….dare I say it “Buns over Texas”. She told me that when they call your name to pick up your order they say “insert name – your buns are ready”. She said that people cringe when they hear their name. Ummm…then why go there? Great burgers I guess. Hell, I would walk a mile through the Texas sun for a great burger. And let me tell you that would be a LONG mile.

NOON – Forgot to tell you that I had no cigs through this period so I had to go to the store. Laundry….forgot about that so I packed that up, grabbed my car keys and “poof” my house keys were there but no car key. Panic hits. Did DD break in? In the middle of the night? Did he slither his way through some crack and steal my key and took my car? Nah….I just got them stuck on a grocery bag last night when I got home from work. I guess it slipped off my key chain. It’s here somewhere but I just can’t find it. Thank goodness I’m a freak about extra car keys.

12:15 – Laundry in car and I’m out to get cigs and see if the laundry mat is packed. Bright, gross. Hot, yes. Laundry mat NO.

12:45 – Just talked to M. She told me to retrace my steps from the car to house to see if I can find my car key. I liked that key, it was the original. So I will try….later…ok maybe now….anyhoo

1:00 - Decided not to file the dogal abuse charges we have made peace.

1:01 – Also decided not to mow the lawn. Didn’t tell you about that because it’s not gonna happen.

Key….look….now. Focus!

Linkin Park night….

He always thought I was shit.
Now, I think I am shit to everyone else.
Redemption,
I still have to find in myself.
Something he has no concept of.
He will never find the safe place I am looking for.
He only sees him.
All he knows is his pain and torment.
He offered it freely to me
He’s gone
Now it’s open season….
To the world.
It’s a free show
Pitch the tent…
The Devil is back in town.
Everyone is Welcome!


Been thinking about him lately. (Can you tell?) Still wondering if he’s safe. The random phone calls have been going on for a couple of days. It’s almost like he’s forgotten that I have caller ID or he lets the voicemail catch just enough of his background noise that I know it’s him (he’s a mover and the sound of the truck I know). Mistake? I don’t think so. He’s just giving me enough to put him back into my mind again. When everything was said and done I knew he was an asshole but by no means, was he stupid.

That’s why I had to push aside INXS and go for Linkin Park. Every song of this CD describes what I went through. Well in my mind it does.

A friend of mine told me that when he went through his divorce he went through all the negative at first. Then he started to think about the positive. He said it helped him get through the rest. It makes sense in a round about kind of way. You work from the first then figure out what went wrong.

Yahh…. see…I tried…not working for me. I remember in the first, there were a few memories that came back. Lying on the couch together watching TV. Cooking a couple of meals together. Then the whole thing just turned into a movie. He was the star and I was an extra. Aren’t the stars supposed to pay the bills??

The bad has pushed, any good, that every lived in my mind, away. I’m actually not sure there was that much good to begin with. 9 years you ask? Go figure…..

People (and who are these people anyway?) always say that it’s 50/50 in a relationship. Now, is that really true? It’s 50/50 when something ends or when it works? You are half responsible when it lives and when it dies. I want to kick some people’s asses because that shit isn’t true!

I have thought this over and over in my mind for months, because that’s just how I am. Yeah, wasting my time, I know. Anyfuckingway, I was a bitch. But did he drive me to it, or am I just a bitch? Yeah, I don’t think so. He called me that daily. Just like my grandma use to always say….”If I had a nickel for every time that was said I’d be rich.”

And fucking believe me, I’d be a fuckin’ billionaire.

If you think I’m that much of a BITCH then LEAVE. No he just wanted to call me that. I think it made him feel better about himself.

I know that everyone goes through some crap. I just don’t think it’s fair. I know that life isn’t fair but some things should be, right?

I did tell him to leave…but he didn’t listen. He had that X (unknown) factor that seemed to control me in someway. I think its called manipulation. He would always talk me into letting him stay.

He knew what he was doing I just didn’t know he was doing it to me.

Now I’m starting to understand.

I begin again.....

No one knows what is going to happen.

But we think too much.

We think about the past

the future.

We all fail in these.

We don’t know.

We wish and hope.

Some come true

Some…we still hope for

Maybe I shouldn’t say “we”….

maybe I should say…. “me”….

.

Damn....tattoo shop no take the AMEX

I was ready!!! I could see it…..taste it! Nope. Bummer. I talked to M today after I found out the tattoo shop didn’t take American Express. I’m glad I didn’t do it. She said I need to think about it. Design it. One more thing that I need to do. Sheesh. I still haven’t emptied my bathroom garbage, much less design a tattoo. Oh, and laundry! DAMNIT!!

I do have some ideas. I didn’t when I had the keys in my hand to leave. Glad I called first. I don’t really want it to look like a name. I want, I think, for it to be…hmmmm….I don’t know. I guess that’s why it’s good that I wait.

I talked to P today. The guy that I went out with yesterday. I called him to say that I’m not so sure I can go there. Wow he’s a good talker. He actually told me that he didn’t want anything serious before I could say a word. Not to say anything bad about him because he is a sweet guy but man oh man the guy has problems. Said he lives in reality 24/7. No day dreams…nothing. Said he has to keep busy to forget life. That kind of scared me. Why do you want to forget life? Even if you are beaten and lying in the gutter you still have one thing…life. Why do you want to forget it? You breath it. As horrible as it can get sometimes, it’s still here, it’s still beautiful. It’s just so simple. You take everyday like there is no tomorrow, because there may not be. When the sun is shinning and birds are flying it’s a good day. If there is rain and you’re stuck in traffic it’s still a good day because you are here. It only comes once people…work with me!

Oh back to the point. I called to tell him something and he cut me off at the start and that's fine but he ended up talking about one if his rabbits being lit on fire when he was a kid. Now does any guy tell a girl that? Hell, I can’t even watch “The Lion King”…… animals die….yes, I know, cartoon. Still the fact that it can happen.

I can pick um.

It’s not surprising that the one I like doesn’t call.

Maybe I’m a P to him.

We all have our shit. I guess you just have to find the right person that can deal or understand our baggage.

By the way…I think that I have more than one house guest. I think I have a litter of mice. Saw a tan one today. Yesterday it was grey….or was it just dark? Hmmm…..

American Express take me away!

I think that I’m about to do something that I might regret tomorrow. I have the tattoo itch again. I only want 3 letters. M says it should only cost approx. $40. Should I? I guess I don’t even have to answer that question if I’m writing this.

Done…

Off to get a tattoo.

I digress…..with a really furry coat on…..

Life is hard and we all know it. Some worse than others. Some better than most. I think that I just said the same thing twice.

Oh by the way it’s really fucking cold here. Hence the furry coat.

I really don’t know what I want to say tonight…or maybe I don’t want to say what I’m going to.

Went on a date today. One of my ex’s semi friends. Yes guilt. Girls don’t do that. I shouldn’t have done that. He’s a sweet guy. I think that he has too many issues. I know that we all do, especially me. But the way people deal with them makes it different.

He’s lonely, and he said it. I get lonely but I like being alone. You are only alone if you want to be. I’ve been (for me) through the worst of the worst. So do I still want and hope for someone? YES.

Can you tell I talked to my mother tonight? Man she always fucks me up.

Doors are opening up for me now. It’s very strange….my whole life has changed in a
matter of weeks. I can actually walk out of the house and be….me. I wake up and have peace. It’s better than winning the lottery.

Very scattered this evening…..and I just spilled my wine….Damn.

The ottoman, by the way, is still very fabulous. Thanks for asking.

Suicide and an ottoman…

I bought this ottoman at out of the closet. Beautiful. $15 dollars. My mom would be so pissed. Ummm….plus 2 shirts and a pair of jeans. $27….. sorry mom.

Suicide and an ottoman…..you may ask?

Me and m talked about suicide today. Not that we are going to do it….in general.

Bothers me. I dated a guy that shot himself. Put a gun in his mouth pointed up and blew his brains out. It was 8:00 in the morning. His whole family was home. mother, father, sister and his brother. He did it in the family bathroom. He did leave a suicide letter. His mom didn’t even have a chance to read it. She didn’t even see it until the police came. They took it. I use to go over and see her after he died. She never told me what the letter said. I still to this day wonder what that letter said. By the way the really horrible fact of this story is his mother had to clean the bathroom.

But my ottoman is beautiful! Really!

Did I love him? Yes. If he was still around would I be married to him? Yes.

He was my Joe.

So simple and so sweet.

If for one second I could take back something….anything….to make him alive again. What did I not see? He told me. He told me that he had a gun. He told me that he couldn’t take it anymore. He said he had pointed the gun at his head 20 times. What did I do? Made some stupid crappy joke. Bravo India! You are so…so…..so….I can’t even describe why. A moment in time that I just can’t take back. Why didn’t I do something?
I didn’t think that he was serious. Man, that’s a laugh. Joe had a gun…..and I didn’t think he was serious. He was asking for help and I didn’t help. I didn’t understand.

Suicide never ends for the people that are left
Suicide,
Such a pretty word
For such a horrible act.

This is how my morning is going....

sad....

mad at what he did and mad that I didn't stop it.

Now he is homeless and I have a home

Do i miss him...yes...sometimes

Now I know what the song means to me....only to me

"It ain't pretty after the show"

Snowman

I watched him throw my life in the garbage and didn’t make a sound.
I saw him build a snowman on the front lawn…and didn’t say a word.
I watched the world go by as he lived it.
I saw the mess,
The demise,
Then…came to see nothing,
Without him.
Now he is gone

I stand here, a shell
digging through the garbage
to find me again
there is no me to be found
empty…
the garbage is empty.
I am no longer there.

He took it with him.
My scared thoughts
Trusted dreams
Guarded secrets
He stole them,
From what use to be my life

He took it all

But the Snowman still stands…on my front lawn.

Lion's and Tigers and Bears.....Oh my!

Funny how you sit and talk to a person for so long and think about just what life is.

There are things that you pass by and don’t even think about, or the things that you live through you think about forever.

Maybe the things you passed by were the ones that you should have thought about and the ones that you lived through were the ones that should have been forgotten.

But we don’t know the moment. No one does. I guess that’s life….

I talked to T tonight and for some reason I thought about the quote from Pulp Fiction. A bible quote (M just hang in there). It came out of the blue for me and I don’t know why. I think that I remembered it for a reason. I have to say that it wouldn’t come to weapons but I think that the impression is there. Unfortunately, I do understand the bible text but have to agree with the movie explanation SO MUCH MORE.

Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

Pulp Fiction now….
I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never gave much thought what it meant. I just thought it was some cold-blooded shit to say to a motherfucker before I popped a cap in his ass. I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. See now I'm thinkin', maybe it means you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9 Milimeter here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could mean you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. Now I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.

Not to get to deep…ok already done that. So let’s go all the way.

With the movie names taken out this means something to me about him, my decade of darkness….

“The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.”

We are all the shepherd’s unless driven to the point of insanity.

Hell, he bought me the car. Unfortunately, I didn’t ask for it.

"Black Tuesday" V-Day

Well here we are on yet another pinnacle V-day.

I had an idea years ago before I met my "decade nightmare" to dress all in black on Valentine's Day. I think that it is appropriate due to the fact that there was a St.Valetine's Day massacre. Did I dream that? So today, for me, it was my "black Tuesday". Flowers and candy everywhere at the office. People scurrying like rats when the lights are turned on in a condemned building. Guess a condemned building wouldn't have lights but you get the point. Hell, I even saw a guy covered with tattoos running up the office stairs with a "Tiffiany's" bag. Engagement ring? Or was he just late for lunch with her because he forgot the present....or running scared!

Who knows. I do think that the person that came up with this holiday was a woman. Men don't do this shit. They also really don't get that much satisfaction from it, I wouldn't think. The sheer pressure. Where to go, what to buy her and how the hell can I afford it. No, in my case those were the thoughts that went through my mind. So I can't even imagine a guy doing it year after year, for so many different women. Wait...I did it for one...for years and years...I think I'm semi even.

I do know what it's like and it sucks. This one didn't though. He's not here anymore. No more shitty Xmas with no presents or trees no lights and absolutes no happiness. No more birthdays without dinners or cards....No more New Years when he decided he wanted to spend them more with the snow than me.....

Just a very happy "Black Tuesday"
I would like to say I'm morning his death
But that would give him to much fucking statifaction.

Happy V-Day to all
And to all a good night.

Now Today

It is today but I have to start with last night/this morning. Didn’t do much as you know yesterday but got a phone call last night from a “someone”. Yes male. Talked to him until 6am. It was a very interesting conversation. Get my drift? I can’t believe I just said that.

Talked to M today, of course. She bought her son a Jack ‘n the box. NO! Scary things they are. My grandma use to have one that my mom played with. Old, rusted and would pop up with out warning. Nothing like a fucked up Jack ‘n the box to scare the bageebees out of a little kid. Don’t like them to this day. She played it over the phone for me. I’m still a little scared. If you’re reading this M…stop the insanity!

My last and final word today…well probably not but I’ll try. Computers suck (or at least mine). Who has a mouse that only moves side ways? Who? Name one person, I dare you! Ok me.

Have a Nice Monday and a black Tuesday, Valentines Day. Can you tell I don’t have a boyfriend?

Saturday now Sunday

My morning…

Let’s see. I stayed up until the sun came up. So did I have an all nighter or an early morning? Love those mornings. Hate them too. Slept for 4 hours and then decided to go shopping. With my budget not a good idea but got some bargains. 2 purses and 2 pairs of shoes for $12 at Out of the Closet. Right in my price range. One of the purses by the way is fabulous!

Since I was off work decided to actually do stuff today and I succeeded. I went shopping as you know, then off to the salon because he fucked up my hair and I had to have him fix it. I felt bad that I didn’t tip him but my friend M said that you don’t do that if they fuck it up in the first place. Then to Trader Joe’s for my 1.99 wine and some food. Next was getting my pictures on CD. Then a CRAZY car wash. I thought it would be like my childhood car washes. I was oh so excited. It wasn’t. Little robot things spray shit all over my car. At least I know it doesn’t leak now. My old car did. I paid $7 for a wash and wax and it still looks like shit. Oh well…it was kind of fun. I think the old ones are better with the big swirley round things that drop down. That’s what I expected. Car is still dirty. I guess as my grandma use to say I have to put some elbow grease into it after a year of not washing it I should. Yes, I haven’t washed my car in a year…get over it.

I got back from my big adventure and believe me it is for me. I rarely have good days. Now they are getting better. My ex seems to have an “India is having a good day radar”. I got a phone call from him. Just to yell at me and be the ass that he is. Ok enough about that.

Last night my computer had a mental break down (yes we do belong together) and I was unable to post the above so that was my Friday. It's Saturday now, well really Sunday but I'm behind. So you still have one more day to read...get ready it might be very exciting. About as exciting as the morgue. Actually, I think the morgue might be interesting.

My morning…(Saturday)
I woke up early which is surprising since I stayed up so late. I called my friend M and she had friends over. She said she would call back. So I was lying in bed watching 4 wedding and a funeral. I have to post this poem that’s on it. So pretty.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crépe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song,
I thought that love would last forever: 'I was wrong'
The stars are not wanted now, put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Didn’t do much more that talk to M all day. Always fun. She’s so funny. She left me a message yesterday morning and her cell phone didn’t turn off when she shut it. It was about 5 mins long. It was 5 mins into M’s world with her son J. It was almost like I was there. 2500 miles away and I saw her world for 5 mins though a phone. It was so sweet. I miss my best friend.
That was my yesterday.

Psycho Men!

We will start with my morning. Even though, I do have a great evening story to tell. You can probably assume by the title.

This morning was uneventful. My friend M was worried about me being late for work so she was sweet enough to call me 3 times. Gotta love the M. She did save me this morning because at least I heard the phone. I was only 10 mins late. I’m always late as you can tell this is an ongoing trend.

Never was a morning person. It’s to complicated. I mean having to pick out your clothes and do your hair and get dressed to go some where you would rather not be. Let’s not even discuss traffic. Plus it’s way to ….bright. Sun bad. Night is so much better. Dark, calm, traffic yes maybe, but happy people going out to have fun instead of looking like ants in one of those ant farms that people use to have as kids. Night is free. You feel like a human being again instead of a corporate ant.

Besides that long analogy my day was relatively good. Thanks for asking. I took a vacation day tomorrow so it made it all the sweeter.

My do is chewing on my foggier house slipper by the way….pretty cute.

On to the story. I have to remind you my ex was not a “pleasant” person (crazy asshole…ok we won’t go into that). This story deals with that, bear (is it bear or bare?) with me. I came home one day sick from work and saw a couple of old antiques on the curb. There was this great 1940’s cabinet with a TV and turn table all in one. Great wood and it was beautiful. Next to it was a 1960’s cabinet with stereo and turn table as well. This guy walks up when I was trying to figure out how to get the 1940’s in my house. It was pretty big. He said “excuse me I just went down to get my dolly and that’s mine” I’m a nice person so I said ok. Now if I was a man I would have had that thing in my house before he ever got back with his stupid dolly. Buy I digress….I started looking at the other piece. It was pretty cool. To put it shortly I helped him get what I wanted up his stairs to his apt. and he helped me in with my second prize. We talked for a few and exchanged numbers. He seemed like a nice person. Friend person not boyfriend person. He started calling, and calling. I talked to him a few times. He already knew I was just out of a long term relationship. Finally he called and I told him that I just needed to be alone for awhile. He said he understood and continued to call me everyday thereafter twice a day. Alone, is that a foreign word?

So I starting seeing this guy, an old friend. He came over a few times and since A the furniture guy lives up the street I guess he saw him and me. The last time my guy S came over was last Saturday. So why didn’t this message come sooner? Question of the hour. So A has been calling 2 times a day for a week. I got a message from him at 3 this afternoon saying hey (nice message). Then at 7 another call that was the one that should have happened last week if he was that angry.

Hey it’s A (very sweet tone)
Don’t bother calling here again (angry tone)
You just go and fuck that hippie
And fuck you! (basically in a nut shell)

Sweet!!! Thanks have a good night as well.

Ummm. I told the guy flat out that I needed to get over what I was going through with my ex. Didn’t want anything romantic. Flat out told him. Some things that I said didn’t really agree with him. That’s why I started not returning his phone calls. He was a little off. I knew that.

Man I can’t even pick a male friend. I just pick plain “what the fuck?” I only had to spend 9 years with a crazy man to realize that I can’t even walk near a man.

Hmph…go figure. I’m diseased!! I should start running for my life at this point. Hell, there’s not enough land. I might have to take swimming classes. Wonder what time the WMCA opens tomorrow. If it’s early maybe next week I’ll be in Hawaii. Are men nice there?

Or as I told M tonight I’ll just become a lesbian.

Or maybe I’ll just succumb to it all and stand on the street corner with a cardboard sign that says “Not looking for money, just looking for crazy.

But then again I guess I don’t need a fucking sign. Obviously.

Oh well tomorrow is another…ugh….morning? Nah. Sleep til noon! No work…morning erased.

Curtains may not look great but they keep the sun out

My oh my...this morning was not good. Beside the fact of staying up too late and drinking WAY to much wine not use to the new curtains. Kept most of the sunlight out and I sleep through my alarm. Oh hell it was probably the wine and staying up until 2:30am. Didn't feel hung over though. Ok then it was the curtains. Had to work through lunch but at least the day went fast because I was late. I actually got work done. Amazing. After I got off the computer last night. Yeah that sounds weird. After I signed off the computer last night, actually got booted because I have dial up. Had a pleasant message from my ex. You will learn that pleasant means the nicest he can be. Which in a normal world would mean horrible. I haven't devised a word for the messages that he leaves me when he's...ummmm...unpleasant. Crazy is the closest I've come.

Well, I don't know why I just told you that. I guess because it was the end of my yesterday.

Anyhoo, just finished watching American Idol. I can't believe I watch that crap. It just sucks you in like a giant Hoover. I think I need to go read a book to cleanse the filth off of me. Have a good morning tomorrow.

Curtains up?

Yes they are. After alot of mental melt down. Do they look good? Yeah in another world. Good to go for me. K...that's it.

Dog farted in my face

Noting like a brand new morning, 6am and your dog is lying next to you and it’s so warm...and it's cccooollldddd outside campers. All the sudden...no sound just the small realization that what is laying next to my head is not hers. Yup. Got a sniff full of the other side. But it was too cold to get up. Where is the Febreze? Not within arms length. Bummer. I suffered and went back to sleep because goodness knows I don't see 6am unless I stay up until then. Or one of my dogs farts in my face.

The day went as usual after that. Late to work. Didn't want to go there anyway. Forced myself through it. Had a long lunch. And went to the store, bought wine and mousse, Volumizing at that! Wow! I'm living the big life over here.

Doing about ummm 2 things at once and now I have to do the other. Oh no wait 3! does listening to a cd count? Hold please.................

Damn! How do women decorate? (I am woman by the way) I mean seriously come on. I'm just trying to hang curtains and it's a pain in the ass. Like I would know what pillows go with a couch? What pillows do go with a couch? Does it need a color scheme?

Hurt my knee on the damn chair hanging the stupid curtain which still didn't work. Dog needs out and we all know that I have to so she won't fart in my face tomorrow...at 6am...ugh. Guess I can only do one thing at once. bummer.