The last of the few...the proud...the mice...have fallen

It's funny...I was just talking to my sister last night telling her that I thought Sacha was going blind. Sach tends to run into things with her noggin...a lot.

I had confirmation this morning that she is anything but blind.

I woke up, rolled out of bed and put my feet right next to the deceased.

I don't know how Sach caught the last mouse. She's quick but she's also 80 lbs. and 8 years old.

I also can't belivieve my old next door neighbor almost put her down when she was a year old.

I've been told that people don't find animals...animals find people.

I think that's true and I'm glad she found me.

I do however, feel that the smaller animals of this world may not agree.

I am Wilson...

I had a comment on my last post from Brad asking if I’ve ever shown my entire face. In life I have to but I still hide by looking at the ground. Hey, I’ve found a lot of money that way.

I turn to the side or hide behind anything when a camera is in front of me. If it happens to be video…I run for the hills.

I think it’s incredible that people can pose for a camera and not hide at least some form of their face. I envy them. I was quite the ham when I was younger in front of the video camera.

I was the girl with the lampshade on her head. I was the life of the party. I was the entertaining fat girl…that’s how I got my humor. I didn’t have much else to make people like me.

I guess it started with my father calling me an ugly piglet. I think he thought it was endearing…I know now he was an asshole for it.

A friend of mine once said “You need to realize how attractive you are before it’s to late?”

“To late for what?”

“A husband India.”

“Who said husband…did I say that last night when I was drunk?”

“No, but you need to start thinking about it.”

“Why?”

“Because everyone wants to find their true love and no one wants to die alone.”

“EVERYONE dies alone.”

“That’s not my point India.”

“I know, I just don’t think the way you do.”

We are no longer friends of course…after Vance left and I found half my brain she still wanted to tell me what to do or how to feel. No one will ever do that to me again.

I’ve lost a lot of friends over the years and earned far betters ones…but two have stood by me…heh…the M&M’s.

There is also another friend that helped me find my face again and made me realize I’m not the monster I thought I was.

People judge so harshly from what they see on the outside.

They never have a clue what’s on the inside.

I was cool at 8...

Yeah...throwing a snowball at my sister's head and running for my life....I had to say peace.

And that's what I meant.

Peace out...long before they were saying it here.

A few weeks ago I wrote about a bicyclist being hit on a bridge out here...

I was at Trader Joe's today and saw flyers posted at the checkout stand about this article. I was through the first paragraph when it was my turn in line.

I didn't think about it until I got to my car. Shit...I was there. I wondered about that guy after it happened. I searched the internet to try and find out if he was ok. I never found out anything until now and knowing the whole story just makes me realize what a shitty world this can be sometimes.

But I guess we all know that.

i'm not pickin that up

The weather is freaky here today. The wind is out of control.

It was a bright and sunny morning. All the sudden it started pouring but in the distance I could see sunshine. I was almost blow away after getting of the elevator on the top floor of the parking structure...then trapped by my car door as I was trying to get into it.

If I was in Texas this would tornado weather.

I thought about sending this computer back...

Hell, it’s a months rent. But i can’t. It’s one of the few things keeping me sane at this point.

I kind of brushed over losing my job like it didn’t really matter. It did.

It’s seems unheard of that they they told me I was laid off without a severance package. Even the HR people at my company don’t understand it. They also can’t hide their disbelief. It’s also against my company’s policy.

Did someone say lawyer? Oh...I think it was me. I’m not one to be a bitch but they don’t even know my end date. No one in that meeting had any answers for me. How can they do that? They did and I guess they can.

There were important people in that meeting...meeting haha, that’s a joke. In a meeting there is a form of professionalism. There was none there. I actually told the HR girl to leave. I said “If you don’t have any information for me then why are you here? You can leave now.”

I said it with so much passion that she looked to the other people there and they nodded their heads yes. She got up and walked out.

Anyone that knows me knows I don’t do things like that but I’m beginning to find my voice in this world. It’s about fucking time huh?

I cared about that company for years...I still do. I don’t want to burn any bridges and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but they just shit all over me and I should stand here and take it? No. I can’t do it this time. I’m tired of people dicking me around and me letting them.

I’ve lost 8lbs. in 4 days. I’d love to lie and say I’m relieved I got my pink slip but obviously I’m not. I’m terrified and I feel as if I’ve failed in some way.

I just wish I had some answers.

What do I do tomorrow? Go in, show my face and leave? Call in sick and call a lawyer? Can they fire me if I don’t show up? Well I’m already canned so I guess not.

My heart is beating so hard I can see the fabric of my shirt moving. I can’t breath and I can’t think.

I’ve always considered myself a small train wreck and I find comfort in that.

But this has crushed me.

I really feel worthless.

Betty boop shoes, and old friend and the police

I braved the California frontier tonight and actually went out. Scary for me. I looked cute. All dolled up with capri pants, the betty boop shoes and a sweet low cut shirt.

Every time my friend left to get us drinks there was a new guy sitting next to me asking my name or showing me his tattoos.
I would like to say it made me feel good...but it didn’t because I feel like garbage about myself at this point. I’m actually surprised these guys approached me at all.

The last time my friend came back from the bar the tattoo guy was taking off his shirt to show me his tattoos T (my friend, male) said “Do you have some mojo magic going on here?”

“Not to my knowledge.”

“India, I’ve been to the bar three times, and every time I come back some guy is talking to you and you wonder why your alone? You need to get out more.”

“Maybe.”

“You don’t know what you have do you?”

“No.”

He knew there was no further conversation on that subject so he said “Are you ready to leave?”

“Yup”

We hugged...it was so nice to see him again.

Drive home was fine...10 minutes, parked the car and was on my cell phone with T. He said to call once I got home.
I saw a car cruising up the street with out the headlights on. Interesting.

Cop. Coming the opposite way and stopped right next to me and he just sat there and looked at me. I looked at him and put my arms up to say “what?”

Then I heard “Step out of the car.”

Fabulous...cherry on my week.

Told T there is a situation and gotta go.

Talk about a bitch stepping out of a car with an enormous attitude?

I said “What’s the problem?”

Officer, still in the car “You look suspicious.”

“Why?”

“Because you are sitting in your car talking on your phone at 1am.”

“I got laid off yesterday and I was talking to a friend about it, that’s all. Not like I shot someone.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, where did you work?”

I told him.

“Wow really?”

“Yes.”

“Well have a nice night and sorry to have bothered you.”

I did shoot him the finger as he drove away.

Here all along I thought I looked cute tonight.

Nah...I just looked suspicious.

Yeah it sucks...

I got laid off today.
I lost my job.
But I think it was lost long ago.
I'm happy and sad in one heartbeat.

But I'm still kinda pissed.

Annoyed...

I would have erased the cell phone in that picture but as the title says...annoyed and I thought it was kinda cool.

I woke up this morning and blinked razor blades. Yes, just another one of the freaky things I have going on with my body. I’ve talked about it here before but if you didn’t read it basically I have a cut on le' eyeball that will never heal but will give me grief every now and again. I’m sorry not grief but intense pain.

As I drove to work with tears rolling down my face and hitting my white shirt (making me look like I had just walked off the dance floor in a trashy bar after entering a wet t-shirt contest...yes I have done this in my past and no I’m not telling you) I was thinking just what a crappy day this was going to be. I know. setting the standard for the day but I was in a bad mood.
When I got to work everyone asked what was wrong with my eye or if I was crying. “Something in my eye. Something in my eye. No, I’m not crying. I know they were trying to be nice and I probably would have asked the same if it were someone else.

I started getting annoyed and after that everything was more annoying than it should have been. There was a company party tonight for clients. I didn’t find out about it until yesterday and that was only because I over heard someone talking about it. I was not invited, nor told that it was happening.

We all know I’m not the most popular girl at the prom and even if asked...I probably wouldn’t have gone but it’s nice to be asked (and no I will not discuss my gay prom date). Nope. Everyone left one by one talking about the gala event with out uttering a word to me. Fine...only a couple of more hours and I’m outta here for the day.

Then I get the email and the voicemail. While smoking (yes I’m trying to quit, stop hounding me) one of the IT guys from legal was out there. He talks to me ever now and again when he sees me. I don’t know him very well but he sat down next to me and starting talking. We were talking about computers and I mentioned that I got this computer. He told me that he had all these programs and music that he could download on it. I said “That would be cool.” This was said in a non-committal kind of way. That was Monday, he said “How about Wednesday? I think I could do it on Wednesday" he said "Where do you live?” “Ummm...Glendale.” I said. “Oh that’s great, I play in pool tournaments there. I’ll send you a list of all the programs I have. We can buy a six pack and order pizza while I work on your computer. Ok gotta go, talk to you soon.”

Did I agree to anything just now?

He was cool to offer. He emailed me a list of the programs he had and told me to pick. I’ve actually been busy and forgot to reply...or maybe I just remembered to forget. Read all this until you judge me...or don't...I don't give a shit.

I saw him again yesterday. He said “You didn’t reply to my email.” “I’m really sorry, I’ve been busy and I forgot.” “That’s cool that’s what I figured. I’ll email you my contact info and call me and let me know when you want me to work on your computer.”

Again, I asked my self...did I agree to anything? I didn't even ask him for anything.

Today after lunch I got a voicemail from him saying that he had emailed me. Oy...don’t leave me a voicemail telling me you emailed me it’s a waste of my time and yours especially a voicemail that’s 2 minutes long talking about an email.

Now before you think I am a complete bitch you must understand that for years I received anywhere from 20 to 50 phone calls a day from the ex and was forced, on too many occasions, to hang out with people that I didn’t wish to. So I have an extremely low tolerance for people cornering me. I can talk to people that I like for hours but ones I don’t know or that I just don’t have chemistry with...the low tolerance kicks in.

I know he’s probably just trying to be nice and I feel bad talking about him but it bothers me that he won’t let it be.
There is also one more factor that I remembered yesterday. About a year ago we had a temp working in our department. She was probably half his age. He came over to my cube one day.

He said “I’ve talked to you a couple of times and knew you worked in the same department as this girl I saw on the elevator today. I think we had a moment because she smiled at me. What is her name?”
“Uhhh...that would be S.”
“What do you think? Do you think I have a chance?”
“Uhhh...I don’t know. I don’t know her that well, she’s a temp and I don’t really know you at all.”
“Look wise do you think I have a chance?”
“Dude, I have no idea.”
“Alright, I’ll take it from here.”
Yeah...you do that and never give me images of you lusting after anyone else because it’s gross and I don’t fucking know you.

Now I know why I have red flags about this guy. It all comes down to what I’ve been told. Nothing is for free. Especially if it's coming from some creepy guy that lusts after 20 year olds. Well...ok what guy wouldn’t but would you ask a stranger you work with about her? I feel bad for blowing him off. I know I have to call him tomorrow and just tell him something. But he isn't coming to my house. In his defense he said I could bring my mac to the office and he would take it home and download the programs. Ummm...yeah...not. The beast goes nowhere unless I'm with it.

Besides...someone else is going to send me the program that I really need and he told me all I have to do is blow him.
Heh..but I know him.

There’s a difference.

yeeeaaaahhhhhhhh...

This computer is insanity at it's finest.

Marsha...Marsha...Marshmallow...

This has to be the most amazing ice cream...ummm...ever. Did I sound valley girl there?

I've never been one to drown my sorrows...ok...yeah I have.

The shoes, as beautiful as they are, worked for the moment. The ice cream worked for dinner.

But...

A blogger friend of Minnee's had a lasting impression. "Pink Champagne" I'd post the link but I don't know how and I don't chose to learn at this moment.

I knew after reading her post, I can be sad about losing someone that I love...and miss them some days.

I just can't let it consume me.

I've realize now that I do that alot.

The shoes and the ice cream helped but I know they are just band-aids.

Crystal

clear...

Crystal would be the name brand of the shoes I bought. I had better pics of them but this one was to artsy to resist.

They are champange raw silk with shiney beads and sparkeles.

Once again I have found $100 dollar shoes for the small price of $3.

No...I am not denying my pain for this day through shoes...

Not at all.

Isn't this just taking it a bit far?

While pondering another piecering (the monroe) and looking up pics on the inernet I came across this.

I'm all about people doing whatever they want to but this one, just seemed a little over the edge, even for me.

I've pondered this and so much more with my second night of insomnia.

I've got to fix my showhead or call the land lord
that fucking mouse was near my computer, that has to end
if my next door neighbor doesn't stop playing techno I really will lose my mind
the bank...i forgot to go to the bank
I could get up and take a Xanax...no I can sleep
shit my car isn't going to pass smog with the 02 light on...I need to have that looked at
fuck I need new tires too
do i want to move?
why are people so close minded
even me sometimes...why do I do that?
if I died in my sleep how long would it take someone to find me?
I'm only thinking that because I watched Frankie and Johnny tonight
stop it india and just calm down
but what if I did die tonight...what have I accomplished?
calm...breath
isn't my mother's birthday this month?
is it the 23 or 26th...why do I always get the days mixed up
tomorrows Sunday right?
turn off the tv...that will help
no can't do that then i'll hear the techno
turn off the tv and turn the fan on
too cold
why am I afraid of heights
and who ever came up with I before E except after C?
don't teach me something that's wrong half the time
my second grade teacher that's who
wow she was a bitch
I wonder what ever happen to Ms. Johnson
she's probably dead
what happens when you die?
is it just eternally black like PawPaw told me
is there a god?
i can't imagine there not being one
but there has to be something higher than us
why did vance love drugs more than he loved me?
why did I stay with him for so long
I wish I was as smart as my brother and sister
so does my mom
why did she tell me that
"I knew one of ya'll would be famous"
why am I so different from them?
why did my grandmother have to die
and why wasn't I there

How I feel alseep after that last thought, I have no idea becasue it's bringing me to tears now.

Oh how I miss her. She was brilliant. The only person in my life I ever felt a part of. I got my heart from her.

I failed her in the end.

I will carry the love and the guilt for the rest of my life.

Thisishowmymorningwent

yeah...i hate it...right

NOT!!

I fucking love this thing.

Looks don't hurt either.

Ok...I did have a small Mac attack today...

Not in a good way but I have to tell myself sometimes…I just need to calm down.

Have you noticed yet that I’m a bit high strung?

I just kept thinking “What the hell did I do? I’m not made of money.”

I did realize today that I’m tired of spending all the extra money I get on bills.

Ok, I’m over it and I ordered it and it’s done.

NOW all I have to do is buy something new to put it on. Well not new but something with a little more support than what I have now. I was also thinking about a big comfy chair so I can kick back and watch DVD’s on it and by the way what paint color goes with Mac?

I’m just kidding, after the amount of money I just shelled out I would never do that…heh.

It was just too pretty...

I never knew a computer could look that way and my patience ran out.

I realized I’d rather have a new computer than a new car and when that thought hit my head I hit buy.

For a small $18 fee I had it shipped overnight, which this late at night means I will get it on Thursday.

I broke out into a sweat when I did it but it’s done and I know it’s one of the best investments I have ever made.

It’s massive for what I need but hopefully I’ll learn to use it to its finest.

It’s new, right off the showroom floor and it’s mine.

Maybe itulll make a wruter outta me.

Hmmmmm......

I’ve been rethinking my choices…I have gone back to my original choice. iMac G4 (to the left). Instead of getting just the motor of the car (Mac mini) I can get the whole car with automatic windows for the same amount or even less….or I could drop a grand and get that pretty new M (the little baby on the right)….I almost drooled when I saw it. I just thought it was a monitor this whole time. Nope…that’s the whole shit…and I almost clicked buy but…

I just have to have patience…which I do have most of the time but not when I want something special.

Now that I really understand what I’m looking for and how much I’m willing to pay I am a freak. I’ve already lost two G4's on eBay at the last second. One I could have paid what they were asking but I lost by 6 seconds and $8.33.

The thing about the G4’s that I want, people are getting caught up in the whole bidding thing and are paying WAY to much for them. The last one I bid on went for almost $700 and it was a G4 with half the memory of a new M. I have to say to my self that it is new with a guarantee for only $300 more and free shipping.

I think what I’m pondering on is a guarantee. Also the fact that I could fix my air conditioning in my car for $600…or go and see about the 02 light that reminds me everyday that the Monster won’t pass smog. Paying off some bills I have. A ton of shit I need money for.

I guess my point is why should I spend money on a new computer when I could definitely use it somewhere else.

I only have one reason.

I need a new computer and I have the means to do it at this point. If I don't buy it now I know I'll blow it on some other bullshit just because I'm pissed at myself for not buying something that I know I have to have. I also know that I need it for reasons most people don't.

The one thing I’ve learned about Macs is…you can buy it for a grand and then turn around and sell it for just about that much. However, in and eBay bidding war one could get a hell of a lot more than the fucking thing is worth.

Mac’s are an investment, that I now know. I think are similar to diamonds. They rarely break and never lose much of their value.

Now it’s just getting my itty bitty fingers on an M…oh I didn’t say that.

Heh…yeah I did.

If you know anything about computers...this would be bad

Finally, I'm done. I knew I would get to the point that it would just fade away. If I can post this it will be quite an accomplishment. I’ve worked around this computer failing, for weeks.

Now I have to find the computer I want.

so...

She paused for a second and said “Do you want me to give you a reading sometime?”

“Well…

As I finished that word, my head tilted to the right as one man came running out of the store. I thought…he was the weird guy in front of me walking across the street. Something told me to stay at least 5 steps behind him and now he was 5 steps in front of me.

The woman had her back to him and as she saw my expression, turned around and saw him, an undercover security guard and a full clothed security guard grab him.

Like I said I was sick, my day had been a fog so I was definitely still trying to realize what was going on.

At least the other India knew. Just before 1,000lb of people hit us she grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the way down to the boulevard. All three of them hit exactly where we were. If she hadn’t had been there they would have leveled me 3ft down to concrete.

We both stood there in amazement as this guy was screaming over and over “FUCKING LET ME GO!” They finally had him in a headlock. It’s hard to get a drug addict in that position…believe me I know…better left to the professionals…police that is. Then he reached into his pocket and I thought, here it comes. What I thought might have been a gun was a hand held CD player. As he flung it across the cement he yelled “THERE! NOW LET ME FUCKING GO YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!” *click-click* went the hand cuffs. They pulled him up off the ground and sat him on that cement wall and I finally saw his face.

He was a trapped animal. He gave two large people a hell of a fight but once confined, he had lost. He wasn’t homeless he just needed that one thing, for one thing, what ever choice it might be.

He stopped talking and just sat there staring into space.

I turned to look at the other India but I saw her making her way around the situation and disappearing into the drug store.

I stood there and thought…everything.

Then I walked around as well and walked into the store. I had forgotten why I went there in the first place. I walked up a few isles and collected a couple of things and put them back. I walked out of the store.

Cough drops…that’s why I went there. I was already half way down the block before I remembered that.

I looked back and saw the guy still sitting there hand cuffed and it broke my heart.

Some of us are raised really good and some really bad and some are just in between. It’s just where we take it from there.

I never think anyone is wrong in this world and I probably never will…we are all the product of our environment. Sometimes people can break out of it and sometimes people just can’t. Sometimes it’s mental instability or brutal reality….no one ever knows.

He fucked up…Oops. We all have…and no one can say any different.

At one second, one moment or a bazillion moments…we have all fucked up….and so is life.

It’s amazing…that a woman who said I had a beautiful aura didn’t stick around to see life.

I do have to quote…as much as it pains me…one line, from one song and you will NEVER hear it again.

“Thank you India”

But I still want to scream

“Hey India…Is my aura still good?”

Now that was weird

The last couple of days I’ve had a cold that’s been kickin’ my ass. While suffering through work today I decided to walk over to the drug store. It’s only a block and a half but with a cold like I’m currently experiencing it seemed a lot further.

When I finally got to the drug store I sat down on an huge planter outside that doubled as a bench. Sitting there coughing and trying to catch my breath this woman walks up to me. She was dressed in a large white T-shirt with three ducks on it, blue leggings, white tennis shoes and a black fanny pack. Who says physics wear gypsy outfits? I beg to differ.

She stopped in front of me and said “Has anyone ever told you that you have an incredible aura?…it’s very brilliant.”

Hmmm….I thought…yup, pretty much all the time…just this morning someone told me that if they had a show called “America’s Next Top Aura” I’d win by a landslide!

I said “No…not lately.”

She said “My name is India.”

I looked up at her and said “Funny mine is too.”

to be continued tomorrow…

"Don't You Want Me Baby!"

This Chips Ahoy commercial really bothers me.

I mean come on four cookies in a convertible singing and having a good time. This big hand snatches them off one by one only to be gobbled up by an unknown mouth.

Its cookie murder…I think it’s disturbing.

Heh…

Tree Roots...

My land lord didn’t admit it but when they were fixing the broken pipe I saw them cart out this huge chunk of tree root.

At this point I don’t really care what the reason for the broken pipe is I’m just happy the fucking thing is fixed.

I do find it funny that one of the workers and my land lord asked to use my bathroom, the most fucked up one. Are you kidding me?

Today is usually my day to lay in bed and watch TV. My phone never rings but today it was crazy. Seems a collection agency has the wrong number. They keep calling for Tina. I had 20 messages on Friday from them. Ten yesterday and ten today.

So fucking annoying and I’ve been answering when I’m home and tell them it’s the wrong number but it doesn’t work, they keep calling. Also, my ex called me 6 times as well as a couple of my friends.

In total my phone rang 20 times today. Who’s phone rings that much? Not mine.

I like peace on certain days.

Damn…didn’t get it today.

Sometimes words can not express how fucked up my life is...but I'll give it a shot

I’m not bitchin’…ok a little but I’m definitely not complaining….ok well maybe I am.

I do realize that I have it better than most and not as good as some.

I was pondering this as I was sitting outside smoking and saw my reflection in a truck bumper. I felt like I was five, at the fair and standing in front of those fun house mirrors.

At that moment I thought “This is my life and what the fuck am I doing?” I didn’t have an answer…I never do.

People have told me that if you think negative your life reflects that, maybe their right and wrong.

The material things in my life aren’t quite right. Low paying job, credit card debt, car with the 02 light still blaring in my face, a toilet that backs up if I look at it wrong and a computer, that is my one form of release, never fails to fail.

All material…all financial and it makes me feel like shit about myself. It was instilled in me at a young age that money is really important. There were times that my mom was out of work and we didn’t have food…well we had bread and butter (still my favorite by the way).

My sister and brother learned from that experience…I however did not. I will probably be one of the few, the proud, 65 year olds working at Micky D’s….BUT I can serve fries and know I was a good person in this life. There are so many people that never think about how they treat other people.

Every step I take in this world affects something or someone and so does everyone else’s but most people don’t think about that.

I’m sorry, I think that I’m trying to validate that I am a good person. I think about this the most when people are really shitty to me.

Funny though, as I was typing this three people called me…three really good people.

Everyday I see the good and the bad in this world. It pains me that there is more bad than good.

On a lighter note I’m going to buy a new computer. Mini Mac is for me and I’m going to buy it new….cash. It’s the bare bones but it’s not used and not a hand me down.

Which yet again makes me think…why the fuck am I doing this? No time to ponder though… have to go and rehearse…

“Do you want fries with that?”