Now that….I thought was majestic…

That is our metro station entrance here in my neighborhood. Oh…I’m sorry the faux metro station entrance which I was informed by a very stern security guard…ok…stern is to nice…the guy was a royal fucking dick.

About 5 seconds after I took that picture he came running out and told me that I was blocking traffic.

Now as you can see in the picture…there was not one car or human in site…and there sure as shit wasn’t anyone behind me….but I guess I was blocking traffic yet to come.

I knew I had a gift for something.

Happy Halloweennnnnnnnnnnnnn…….

Campers…

And happy anniversary Minn and G.

Mother fucker is going down….

Black and Decker take me away.

I don’t want to kill the little hard core guy and the things that I saw at Home Depot told me I should. I saw 10 items that kill rodents…for 1/16th of the price I paid. Brownie isn’t a bad critter he just needs to move out.

Don’t want to kill him…

Maybe he just needs a new direction…..just like me….

I am a rodent….the lost….searching for a new home….

Where now India?

Maybe Alaska or Sherman who knows…

Maybe India…heh….

I just stood in the middle of my kitchen screaming like a lunatic!!

Last night I was in bed and I heard the little fucker chewing on something. It’s gotten to the point that even when I walk into the kitchen he doesn’t stop now…just like he’s home sitting at the dinner table eating something he made.

I moved a couple of packages of ramen and out he comes…jumping off a shelf as tall as I am down to the counter and to the floor then high tailing it under the fridge. Of course the whole time I was screaming which sent Sache running into the room…she almost got him this time. I’m not afraid of the little fucker believe me I had rats as pets when I was a kid 5 times bigger than this little fucking thing when I was a kid. It’s just the fact that it moves so fast and it almost landed on me which would have made for one dead mouse.

I thought at least moving the ramen from that shelf would have at least gotten him off of my counter top…nope. Went in to make a hot dog tonight he was up on the same shelf and ran out. I was washing my hand and he jumped off the shelf again ran under the microware and off the counter and under the stove.

I stood screaming in my kitchen “This is my house! I don’t see any rent coming from your mouse ass! Get the fuck out!!!” and here all along I thought I would never scream those words again…..well except for the “mouse” part.

He’s getting bold. I fully expect to see a “Mighty Mouse” moving truck parked by my stove tomorrow morning and his little mouse buddies drinking itty bitty beer and moving in a mini plasma TV and a Lazy boy sectional with recliners on both ends.

He’s a bold little guy and I admit that…but he’s got a war on his hands now that little fucker.

Sniff….Sniff…..

I think I have a cold….this sucks. Been trapped in the house for the last two days…well actually I went to the store today…as usual very exciting.

At least I got to see a new movie. “Just Friends” can’t really say it’s a good considering the fact that it brought up a lot of horrible India fat memories when I was in elementary school…jr. high school….high school basically my whole adolescent life. To say the least I didn’t peak in high school…but at least the fat gave me a sense of humor. I guess that’s what being over weight does…I couldn’t depend on beauty or a body so a personality is what I got….even though I am still the fat geek girl at heart…

Ok…with a couple of tattoos and a few piercings…

I wonder if all the geeks and fatties grow up to be different.

It’s the simple things in life really

That make women become men.

We encounter men that are not actually men.

I call them pussies….and you lose 9 to 14 years of your life on them….wishing that they were the person you first met….a man…..now we are talking fiction.

A rare comity it seems…a man…hmmm interesting.

In my mind a man would face up to his faults…take pride in himself….and take up for a person he loved.

I’d fucking die for someone I love…..in a heartbeat….and I almost fucking did.

That’s what love is all about….

That… and…fix my fucking car you bastard…

Then again, I can fix it myself so go away.

Hey dad….

Yup that’s him when he was a gigolo.

Found that in the attic in a box of oil paints.

That’s the only picture I have of my father….that hasn’t been burned.

Hey he gave me something….the love to hate and a gift to draw.

THISISHOWMYLAUNDRYWENT….

Now this was a first…I have to admit that I haven’t seen this one….or maybe just not in my world.

Laundry of the dead produced a rocker today…and believe me I know a musician when I see one…and a wounded one as well….probably a bass player. Seems he was doing laundry for his girlfriend or wife…your choice…and it seems a small child. No one was there but him...but by the clothing that is what I assumed.

He had a half cast on his left arm and some bruises on his face….looked like a bar room fight to me but…I think that the laundry was probably a payback from his girlfriend…we can be such bitches sometimes can't we?

Not to sound harsh but I tend to make up stories when I’m in the sheer vast of hell this place is.

I have written many a laundry day story and assumed things about people that walk in and out of that place…but the fact of the matter is….it is the single most horrible place you can go to besides a hospital or the morgue. But that’s just my opinion.

What it means to me is I’m poor and so is everyone else there…except for that fucker in the Hummer that one day…come on…don’t make us feel worse than we already do.

But yet I chose to splatter what I see on my blog as if I’m making fun of other people. It makes for a good post or a good joke but in actuality I’m the joke. I’m no better or no worse than anyone else there….no one is.

I did see one thing that really impressed to me today. There is a restaurant directly behind the hell…and this little boy with his mother walked out and the little boy dropped his soda. I was sitting in my car and saw this through my rear view mirror. He dropped it and started crying she said “leave it alone” she pulled his arm and they walked away. A busboy walked out and stepped on the soda cup. He picked it up…threw it in a garbage can 1 foot away….went back in the back door and brought out a huge barrel of water to wash away the soda.

Now his boss never could have seen that happen and ask him to clean it up because he walked out 2 seconds after that happened and 1 minute later to clean it up. I guess its called pride for your job. Again…that’s just my thought.

I like simple people because I am that….plain and simple. Still doesn’t make us any better or worse than anyone else.

Not that my laundry hell experiences are not going to continue….actually I don’t think I’ve really bashed anyone in the process…even the couple that I thought was actually having sex on the spin cycle…that wasn’t a bash….hell…that was a wish that I was the girl…with a guy of course…

I guess I have been humbled…not like it’s been happening for years but you come to a point when everything has crumbled.

Picking up the pieces is a tough job. Mine is no greater or less than the person standing next to me at the laundry mat or the grocery store.

We all have our shit that we have to go through.

It’s just how we chose to do it. I’ve choose so many wrong things in absolutely the right way. I have a knack for that….yea….backasswards….

And after gutting myself over this post the one question that I really ponder is…..

What the FUCK is the difference between “yea” and “yeah”?

This show can be quite the freaky….

I’m watching “The Secret Lives of Women”…they have some weird shit on this show. Tonight’s topic is women that live with cross dressers.

Now this show brought up a memory.

I’ve personally never lived with a guy that does this but I have encountered a guy that did…somewhat.

After DD and I broke up I was semi-dating this one guy for about 3 months. We had both just gotten out of long term relationships so we were basically friends with benefits.

Slowly he started talking about women’s lingerie and having certain fetishes. Now I’m pretty open minding about a lot of things especially when it comes to sex…everybody has their things. Who am I to judge right? But basically I missed what he was hinting at until one night he asked me to come to his house.

By the way he was a big guy with a ton of tattoos bald head the whole nine yards.

When I got to his house he gave me a hug and I felt something…well… weird under his sweat shirt. Yeah….he had lingerie on underneath his clothes….

Ummmm naive was my middle fucking name that night….hell it was my first name.

I’m sorry…I lived with a long hair rocker that worried about his weight more than I did for 9 years and would have never dreamt of wearing anything like that….or hell maybe he did who knows.

But come on after years of DD and he knew about him to spring that one on me was quite the …shocker.

Sorry…but I’m the kind of girl that loves to see a guy all sweaty from working on a car with grease under his fingernails and smelling that manly sweaty yummy guy smell.

Not some guy that has REALLY bad taste in lingerie…oh….and wears it himself.

I had to give to these women on this show tonight…married to these men that did it to the hilt with wigs, make-up and all. That’s just something that’s not in my make-up…heh…literally.

Some memories for me just need to be locked away…somewhere far, far away and this would be one of them because just typing all that I now feel a little queasy.

I’m so glad I’m not a part of his world anymore…

DD left me several drunken messages last night. He had done drugs the night before and was trying to cure the coke over by Sunday brunch. After as many of glasses of champagne as he could consume he wandered off….ended up stumbling down the street and falling….cracking his head on the sidewalk and passing out. Yeah…I was surprised to hear that. He was in a strip mall…the people that he was with eventually found him right before the police showed up. His friends fed the cops some bullshit line that he was sick and had fallen. I’m sure the cops didn’t fall for it but they just didn’t want to deal with it so they let it slide.

The guys he was with helped him to a friend’s house close by and called one of their friends for a ride. Well it seems the girl they called was drunk and after she picked up DD and his clan she was turning to get on the freeway and she hit a pedestrian. One of the guys in the car told her to keep going.

She is now in jail for hit and run.

Oh yeah….and DD was pissed because his wallet was in the back of the car which they impounded.

He hasn’t considered in 24 hours that a person is in jail because of him and that the person that was hit could be in serious condition.

I’ve tired of telling people to beware of him….even myself. I have never met anyone like him…he hates himself but will throw everyone under the bus but himself…and never look back….and when he does it’s very twisted and he did nothing wrong.

As Megaton said…”You can find salivation in the mundane”…I think that was it. Now I know what it means….DD has now become the mundane and I have grown bored of “on the edge” and the stories that he tells are so cruel and wicked…and just leaves me with the same question I’ve had for years….”why does he continue to do this?”

Because that is his world….that’s how he wants to live….actually I think this is how he wants to die.

At this point in my life exciting to me would be a guy taking me to a movie…out to dinner…the guy paying for it would be a plus….but with my personality it would probably be a fight because I think it’s pretty shitty that a guy is expected to pay for a date.

But that’s beside the point…

I guess it starts to be like the 4th of July…you can see the fireworks for years and ohhhh and awwww over them but in the end they become mundane…they loose their light and their thrill.

The funny thing is he knows about the book I’m writing and he just wants to add stories. Hell, I’ll listen and take them but if he thinks that his name will ever be mentioned in it he is sadly mistaken.

I do see some of myself in him. The guilt…the regret…but I also think about it and try not to do it again.

He has a white blanket that covers everything he does….and when he chooses to lift it…what is beneath it…is not the truth….it becomes his truth…..little DD now has to face life.

I fear things in my life everyday….not like most people…I fear what I won’t do…it does cripple me but I know I can find in me what I have to do. DD’s fear is so vast that I don’t think he will ever find his way…and as much as I’ve tried…I can’t find it for him…and I shouldn’t have to…no one did it for me.

I knew it would take me awhile to get over the son of a bitch but to tell you the honest truth I’m not sure I’m done trying to help him….but I’m coming really fucking close. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and for once in my life it’s not a freight train.

I just feel really sorry for all the people that have been drawn into his bullshit….they have no idea of one person’s mass destruction…or maybe they do now….

I just have to come to the concept that I can not continue my life with him in it. Even though his stories are unconceivable and make for some amazing reading sometimes….

But to hear him telling the story today and him thinking it was funny…I’m not sure there is a word to describe how disgusted I was.

He said “It doesn’t matter…she’s rich, she’ll get off.” I just don’t fight with him anymore…what’s the point. The fact of the matter is…no one knows if the person she hit is ok or not. So no matter how rich she is….she in jail and this is California…she will be sued until hell melts the earth.

But hey…that’s not his problem.

And I loved this guy why?

It’s hard to admit that I’m the one that’s stupid.

Now I know why….

I watch all these cheesy stupid love story movies…because I actually believe in it.

I also believe in horror movies and Jason.

Guess that’s what makes me different than the average Joe. In my case however…I don’t have a dick….even though I can punch like I have one.

Guess I have the out look in life that everything is possible….and nothing all at once.

Makes no sense right?

Guess it does when you think you may have grown up a bit.

Don’t use...

your dominant hand for one day.

Can't pay you any cash....just a dare.

Now this made me smile this morning...

I’m so fucking bored….

I was so bored the other night that I made chicken soup. Not from a can but the real thing. I do not have the handicap that Mindy has but she also has 2 other people to cook for. I can cook like there is no tomorrow. Pulled out the old crock pot threw in some chicken…stew vegetable and some spices and poof! 5 hours later chicken soup.

It’s bizarre how some people can’t cook. Guess it’s like the fact that I can’t spell. Some people can and some people can’t. If I could pick one I guess it would be cooking. At least I have spell check….there isn’t a Chief check.

Come to think of it I have some steak and fresh mushrooms in the fridge…..

Steak and sautéed mushrooms with gravy…lovely.

These were my two major purchases today at the store….

Am I pregnant? Not unless it’s by immaculate fucking conception.

Not to go into depth about it but one doctor asked me if I could be pregnant and I used the same one liner as above. He actually said “You would be surprised how many women have said that to me and were pregnant."

As he was saying this...I thought..believe me doc…no sex at this point in my life...even if it was really bad or I was really fucking drunk I think I would still fucking remember

Wow…they tested me anyway.

Guess what the doctor said…”You’re not pregnant.” "Me...really? Well that’s fucking amazing and I thought all along I would be the first girl to go down in this century to have a baby without the actual act of sex. Damn…I was almost famous.”

He…by the way…found none of my jokes funny.

I think this is going to be a semi-twisted post.

I went to my first physical therapy session today…and of course every doctor or person I have seen has something different to say about what’s wrong with me.

Just give me the fucking feeling back in my fucking right hand…if I say pretty please with sugar on top will ya? Huh?

I really can’t imagine what people go though that have HMO or some other shitty insurance or no insurance at all and that are seriously sick. I’ve got basically different diagnosis from 4 different doctors. People almost die or die from this crap in insurance or misdiagnosis…and I think for most people like me when they explain the shit it’s like a foreign fucking language to me.

I’ve been prodded and poked by doctors for about three months and I’m getting a little sick of it…and to tell you the honest truth, when I’m not in control of the situation, I get a little…well…defensive.

The girl today was really nice but she started touching my hands and my shoulders and I wanted to grab her hands and make her look like a pretzel. But when I’m asking someone else for help that knows a hellaofalot more than me I can’t exactly do that…even though I think I could have taken her….

I don’t like people touching me unless I want them to….but hell…I’ll jump all over you like sweet on sugar if I like you.

Ok...enough of the rambling twisted words….

I still have some ice cream and pickles to get to….

Not to dwell on this but can you catch one … or two of the same word?

Hughes had perished in the fire, but the crazed crowd, now numbering over 5000, dragged his body behind a car, hanged it from a tree, and set it on fire. The mob then burned down black businesses and again prevented the fire department from putting out the flames.

The reporter that wrote it did a damn fine job in 1930..

“hanged it from a tree…and set it to fire.”

What is it?

I think that would be called a man.

No matter how wrong or right he was he was still a man….a person.

And he never had a trial…never was judged….only by a town the didn’t give a shit about anyone that wasn’t like them….white.

He still does haunt me to this day. How people can be so cruel.

Maybe George Hughes was a good guy…

He also never had a chance to say….anything.

the tragic past of sherman....

my grandfather told me when I was young...

The Sherman riot of 1930 was one of the major outbreaks of racial violence in the United States at the beginning of the Great Depression, and one that brought international notoriety to Texas race relations.

Like so many lynchings of the period, the trouble at Sherman began with an accusation of rape. George Hughes, an African American farm hand described by his acquaintances as "crazy," admitted to raping a white woman, the wife of a man who owed him back wages. Hughes was arrested and scheduled for trial within a week of the incident, a common timeframe for the era. Meanwhile, a mob began to gather each night outside the jail.

On May 9, 1930, Captain Frank Hamer, a legendary Texas Ranger, two other rangers and a police sergeant escorted Hughes to trial at the county courthouse. A huge crowd packed the entire courthouse building and surrounding grounds and began to stone the courthouse. District Judge R.M. Carter attempted to get the proceedings underway, but the crowd forced the doors to the courtroom corridor and attempted to storm the courtroom. The rangers fired warning shots and tear gas to break up the crowd, and locked Hughes in the district court vault for safety. When the trial was unable to proceed due to the continuing agitation of the mob, Judge Carter ordered the trial suspended. He and Hamer agreed that the case could not be tried in Sherman without bloodshed, and the judge planned to order a change of venue.

About 2:30 p.m., an open can of gasoline was thrown in a broken window and the courthouse caught fire. Fearful for his life, Hughes wanted to remain locked in the vault. The rangers attempted to rescue him but were cut off by the spreading flames. Meanwhile, the mob held back firemen and cut their hoses. By 4:00 p.m. the building was gutted, with only the walls and the vault remaining. The mob tried to break open the vault and engaged in a pitched battle with National Guardsmen sent into Sherman by Governor Moody, emboldened by a false rumor that Moody had ordered Hamer not to shoot anyone. Just before midnight, they succeeded in breaking open the vault and removing Hughes’ body. Hughes had perished in the fire, but the crazed crowd, now numbering over 5000, dragged his body behind a car, hanged it from a tree, and set it on fire. The mob then burned down black businesses and again prevented the fire department from putting out the flames.

Governor Moody dispatched more National Guard units and when violence continued, declared martial law in Sherman late on May 10. Sherman remained under martial law until May 24. Fourteen men would be indicted for crimes connected to the riot, but only two would eventually be convicted and sentenced to two-year terms. The outbreak of violence was followed by two more lynchings in Texas, one in Oklahoma, and several lynching attempts. The riot attracted international publicity and condemnation.

My grandfather told me that after that night...not to be...let's put it this way...the only people left in that town were white. And it still bothers me now.

Dallas is the same way....segerated. I don't like that shit at all.

The one thing that I love about LA is you have everything....every kind of nationality...Dallas...anywhere in Texas...it's black and white...

and i hate that shit.

So it’s been two days with off and on sleep….

Yeah I’m starting to affect my already disturbed mind. I hate it when I can’t sleep. I think too much…worry too much and basically drive myself insane. I thought about getting up at around 12 and then decided not to. I should have just gotten up taken one the many drugs I have here and gone back to bed. Unfortunately, I hate pills that knock me out completely.

I talked to my mom the other night about moving into my grandparent’s house in Sherman…TX that is. It’s about 75 miles from Dallas with a population of around 35,000….as I call it, a one horse town. I could probably count the street light if I had to. The town itself has a very disturbing past and I’m not so sure what memories would come back to me living in that house.

I guess I’m weighting all my options at this point. I’m sure I’ve said this before here actually Mindy just blogged about it. I’m done here in LA and I know it.

Moving out here seemed easy at the time. Had two friends with me, no job, no place to live but basically we just packed our shit and left.

Moving back though seems very daunting. Maybe because I’m not the same person I was…or am I? Maybe because of me going though all this shit with my job and my hand is just wearing on my mind making me want to go back home to my family.

I thought of a thousand reasons to move back last night but only a few to stay…none of which are very important…to stay that is.

I also want about 20 things that I saw on infomercials the last two nights…none of which I need….most of which I would never use.

Infomercial bastards….thy prey on the….ummm…unsleepable…

ooohhh…sounds like a horror movie….I like it.

Everyday is a riddle….

I haven’t held charcoal in my hands for probably 5 years…I forgot how it felt.

It’s so hard to describe how proud I am that my hands are now stained from it.

I was so lost for so long…and that such a major part of me that was destroyed….and I can’t blame him anymore….and you know what…I never should have.

Yeah I was going to reconstruct the imagine I saw in the dress….but…well it’s already been done right? Captured in fabric and then by my camera.

This one was in the back of my car…got wet in the rain…small piece of wood just asking…well…not to be sawdust.

Every piece of my artwork is a riddle. Not intentional… but it seems to work out that way. This one is a 4 piece puzzle.

Let’s see who can figure it out…besides me that is...

For the Professor….

swarthy [swawr-th ee, -thee] –adjective, swarthier, swarthiest.
(of skin color, complexion, etc.) dark.

In my world…mixed with Bud or any form of alcohol means…your fucked….or bruised.

In my case…one night it meant I tripped on a rug, as I was falling I saw one of my dogs lying on the kitchen floor…so half leveled, I jumped over her and fell face first on my hardwood floor.

Swarthy…would be the next day….but that night it was called a broken nose.

But I didn’t spill a drop of my wine.

Because what girl in her right mind would drop a full glass of wine to break her fall.

Nice word…guess it sounds a lot better and a lot shorter than…I think I fucked up tonight and will have black eyes in the morning.

But hey…that’s just how I would use the word.

By the way campers…

Happy Friday 13th.

I have never said I was perfect…

Quite the opposite…I’ve always claimed to be inferior to everyone else. But you know what? Maybe I am superior and everyone else is inferior to me.

And by the word inferior I mean the 3rd explanation of dictionary.com.


3. Of comparatively low grade; poor in quality; substandard: an inferior product.


Or maybe I am the third explanation.

But does it matter? Nope.

I’ve come to find in my life…that I don’t give a shit anymore. Let people think what they will…because god knows they have.

We are as pure or as evil as the outside world perceives us to be.

I'm tired

Semisoun
\Sem"i*soun\ (-s[=oo]n), n. A half sound; a low tone.


I talked to M tonight and she mentioned a word. I wrote it down as symeiosin. When we were on the phone I found the explanation. After we hung up the spelling wasn’t right and the above is what came up. I seem to think it says the same….or maybe not.

Who fucking cares…you know what?

I had a half a whisper in my shit…my relationship…low tone didn’t apply in the end. I screamed my ass off…get a fucking job…help me…PLEASE!

Now I’m the eternal bitch….but in the beginning…had a half a sound…

Just a whisper…of….please…help me through this life…because we were suppose to be together forever….

Fairytales crashed and burned in our century…but I still believe in Snow White…and Cinderella…and I will forever.

Prince Charming is still to come….

Another day….another doctor…another pizza….and another movie…

Monday
Dr. Shin
3 Cheese….cooked in a wood burning oven…but still frozen
Forever Young

Well…Mondays are never good…so no point beating a dead horse over that one.
Dr. Shin…went to him to discuss surgery….he told me the specifics and….well…I thought it would be simple. But the thought of doc slicing a two inch incision in my throat and “moving things aside” as he said to get to my disc is…a little…ummm…disturbing…and also not gonna happen. He said I improved 10 fold since he saw me last so that’s good enough for me.

Now the pizza….even though it was frozen…Trader Joe’s lately has not let me down. First the lamp shade which is still in order and now the pizza…couldn’t keep my little mitts off of it. Damn this pizza is great.

As for the movie…haven’t seen it in ages. Kiddy movie with some chick flick and war all mixed together….so I’m not really sure how to classify it…but it worked for me today.

Did actually see the “Skelton Key” today…must admit it wasn’t bad…I like it when I see a movie that’s not some fucking remake that I’ve seen a thousand times.

All in all….it was a pretty fucking good day…

Surprising huh?

At least for me….

I want pizza…

Or rather I want good pizza. I made a frozen one today and it just didn’t cut it….it is going to turn in to dog food I believe.

I want Marco’s Pizza….unfortunately it’s in Dallas. I also had a dream today about my grandma’s fried chicken, mashed potatoes and white gravy.

I hate it when I’m hungry and just nothing in my fridge will do. Don’t feel like going out to buy anything either.

I still have the furry pickles…I wonder if they survived the India October power outage.

Yeah…no….I think I’d rather starve.

Funny I didn't know I had a restaurant...

Went out with Minn and her friends last night….it was quite the adventure.

I rarely go out but had to see Minn. Even after they left I wanted to hang out. My next door neighbor who drove me there deserted me after I started talking or should I say exchanging notes with Oscar…a deaf guy that stopped and asked me for a cigarette.

Guess some people don’t like to hang out when they aren’t the center of attention. I think he was rather pissed. Haven’t seen him today…I just don’t understand why he was so fucking pissed off. I feel like I should apologize but I really don’t think I did anything wrong. I was just hanging out chatting with someone. He didn’t find it very interesting I guess.

After Oscar left I just hung out and took a few pictures.

I walked down the street and there were tons of people sitting out side eating at the restaurants. Man this city is so plastic. The conversations that I overheard were unreal.

The time is coming for me to move on…people are to hardcore for me out here.

I just have to figure out how the hell I’m going to do it.

Oh well…too hung over to figure it out tonight…..ugh….I feel like shit.

This is how I know….

I’m either Mcguyer…Trailer trash…or…where the hell did I put that lamp shade….

Maybe it’s called drunk…

But I had to do something….the shit was really fucking bright.

Maybe turn it off.

What a concept.

I just realized something….

After talking to M that is…

Something that has been weighing on my mind lately…it has to do with the post before last that I was so “hard on myself” as M said. I tend to think she’s right.

I have fucked up and I fully admit that, especially with money….as I’m sure everyone knows this by now.

Before I start this fucking rampage which is building…I’ll give an itsy bit of background.

Credit cards…ahhh how I loved them…”loved” is the key word in that sentence. I have had my fair share with them and even more. I have abused them and filed bankruptcy when I first moved out here because of what I had done. That was the easy way out…and I took it.

Did I dive into the credit card hell again? Yes…in fact I did. $17,000 worth. Did I take the easy way out again? Nope. Got them all consolidated and have been paying them off for almost 3 years now. I’m down to $6,000…and I’m going to pay off every last cent if it kills me.

This is where I am going to go a bit ballistic….really fucking ballistic…and it might not make sense at all because I’m so fucking pissed off.

Certain family members think that me cutting down my cable and turning off my cell phone will help. Yes, it will when I want to buy some groceries and gas for the old monster sitting out front. They have also said to call my credit counseling and have my payments lowered. I have lied and said I did call when I didn’t. The terms were very clear when I signed up and plus the fact I’ve come this far and why cut it down now when I’m so close to paying them all off.

Why prolong the payments for another 2 years when, in less than a year they are paid off…for what an extra $200 bucks a month. First of all the company won’t do it and second of all why? I busted my ass paying this shit off and all I ever hear from my them is I’m going to do it again. Well just go ahead and believe that …sometimes three times is not a charm.

And you know what? The cable stands as is…so does the cell phone. So does the wine and the Winston’s. It’s my money. I’ll burn it in my dirt filled pond tomorrow if I choose. Just like they probably think I do anyway.

I find it ironic, the one thing I’m most proud of paying off is the one thing they want me to prolong….it’s also the one thing that they never said “doing good india” about either.

I know that my family has been there for me when I asked…even when I didn’t…and I know I’m not the ray of fucking sunshine coming into their lives either.

But come on…you have to be fucking kidding me here.

But it’s no joke. Not tonight anyway.

This shit is really starting to piss me off.

But I can honestly say…for once…at least I have a 401K that I took a loan off of…so….it seems….I guess I don’t have to ask for shit.

Now… why they keep telling me things I already know and don’t want to do is another story…or…maybe I’m the punching bag of the family. Maybe it’s because I have portrayed myself as the one that was always in need and they can’t accept that I might have changed.

Maybe nothing has changed and I’m just a little fucking pissed off tonight…and I think I have the right. But you know what…stay in your small minds and keep thinking I’m going to continually fuck up…chat and talk about it. I’m fine with that.

I think I was in another fucking world when I was born…I sure as shit don’t fit in with my family, and over the last few weeks…I have been pushed to the edge….and it is also fair to say that they have been pushed over the edge with me for way to long.

I’m just fucking sick of the…cut this money here and that cell phone there and live within your means. Yes…I understand that…again…and again…and again.

Do you also understand that a block of cheese here cost $4.00? Do you also understand that with 2 dogs…much less finding a place in LA that takes dogs is $1,000? Basic cable is $60.00…I have the movie channels so it’s $83.00. Cut off my cell phone….sure why not…I don’t use it that much…but you know what?

If one night I’m driving and get lost in the wrong part of town….and a cell phone is the one thing that could have saved my life...

I have to laugh…

I think they would blame me because I either didn’t use my money wisely enough to have it…or….well…I just fucked up.

This is how my FUCKING NIGHT WENT.

Ok…I’m over it….

Wow I can go to the most dismal places sometimes. I can rarely see what I do have.

I might see if I can bring the melting skull to life today. I think I have a piece of wood in my car just the right size for it. Now as for the gimp right hand I’m not so sure about that…but I think I might be able to work around it.

Now I have to go BACK to the fucking store. Why do I always forget the ONE fucking thing I go there for…damn….

I finally got out of the house tonight….

Believe me it was nothing exciting. Went to the grocery store…wow big night out for India.

This fucking being on leave shit is not what anyone would think it’s cracked up to be. People at work seemed to think that I’d be laying in my bed eating bon bon’s watching the view and soaps everyday.

First of all I don’t even know what a fucking bon bon is. Second, I don’t think I could afford them at this point even if I did like them. And The View…soap operas? Are you fucking kidding me?

I feel as if I’m going to loose my mind at any point. Not that it hasn’t been traveling there for a while but when I’m left on days that seemingly melt into the next and I’m not quite as mobile as I’d like my mind tends to go places that are pretty fucking dark.

I guess I have to start admitting things to myself that I’ve been trying to cover up for a long time. I must admit I’ve done a damn good job of sweeping them under the rug but I guess it’s time to start facing some facts.

It’s hard to admit to my self that I have turned in to a person who has to make a conscience effort to eat, yet I buy food constantly that rots in my fridge.

Hard to admit that I think moving here I was running away from something…maybe conformity, still haven’t figured that one out.

I really hate to admit that maybe my Decade of Darkness was really me avoiding my life, just like he always told me.

I have and never will be normal and I don’t ever want to change that…I just wish sometimes I didn’t feel like such a fuck up.

I think it’s bizarre where I see the strangest things…

Or images I guess.

It’s funny what I can see in a 1950’s vintage dress fabric….a skull, in this dress…many. I think when they designed the fabric they didn’t think twice…or maybe the designer did. But who knows.

A lot of my art is by the grain of the wood, or linoleum patterns on the floor that look different to me…but other people just see it as a simple pattern.

Yes…I do usually think I’m insane…but my art proves different.

Let’s see if I can bring this one to life.

I found the trigger to drama….

In me that is.

I realized why I still talk to DD sometimes and why I can see it now in other people. After talking to M tonight I think I figured it out.

Why do I continue to talk to my decade of drama…or darkness….well, it’s very simple and complicated all at once.

I can honestly say my life has never been mundane….but then again, I don’t think anyone’s is…or has…or will be. It’s the level of drama that you let into your life….and how far you will let it turn your world into something that you don’t know anymore.

You look at the other person that you loved and it’s over. It’ might take a day, month, year or years…but it’s definitely over.

But when you have lived with drama…mass quantities…for years…it’s like a drug. Some people can stop…some can’t.

Something in the back of my brain….after we first broke up…after a day or a week seemed to fire up….it needed the drama and I could always count on either me or DD to deliver.

The hours turned to days…weeks…sometimes months...but I kept going back or he kept coming back…same difference.

It’s all the need for something other than the norm. You have something to bitch about at work or to your family…or friends if they choose to listen anymore.

People can tell me all they want about how to let it go…and they are absolutely right…in their world. Not in mine. The people that tell me to let it go have never been me and here or with him.

The one thing that I have never denied in the end…he is and was an abusive asshole. Got it…said it…over and over. There is a good person buried there….I’m just tired of trying to dig it out….plus…it’s not my fucking job anymore, it’s his.

He turned 33 two days ago…and he celebrated his birthday getting into a fight in a restaurant parking lot with a friend. He called me after and I answered…call it boredom or the little trigger. He was so excited that he had beaten someone up…he’s 5’6 130 and the other guy was 6’0 180 but DD won. He made that very clear, I as well, made it clear that it was disturbing on so many levels and I was going to bed…and I said it just like that.

He was on speed…and yes I can tell over the phone. Plus he was hanging out with his friend who he had just beaten up who is a speed freak. All assumptions on my part…but towards the end of us I had a 99.9% track record of “Is he on drugs today?” Not rocket science…well for most probably.

For once…with him, I had no fight left, no response…he can’t blame me anymore…all he has is himself.

Guess what I’m trying to say is sometimes it takes some people longer to realize what the world thinks they should do or think is right.

I never planned this…shit if I did…I would have planned it a hell of a lot better than this….or maybe not…I was never good at planning.

Would I take back what I lived through with him...absolutely not. I’ve learned more than most people will learn in their lifetime.

A good right hook would be one of them but that story has already been told.

Guess my initial point is…you never know another persons trigger. How long will it take before they are done?

Never even try to judge…and never judge…them….

Because “them” just might be you…someday.