Well…Well…Well…

The worst and the best night of my life.

I walked out
I felt like...I was better for the first time. That is hard for me to say. But I was around a bunch of assholes.

What a piece of garbage tonight was
So amazing to me.
I was an outcast from the start.
That’s cool.

What a mental mind fuck tonight was.

I've got better things to do...

No longer….

Don’t need those people anymore.

Damnation!

I was “upity” there for a sec….then I fell from FUCKING grace….yet again…..hide your ears virgins cause it’s fire and brimstone from here on in….and I ain’t talkin’ the Texas preacher kind.

Nothing is FUCKING simple in this world….is it?
Nothing can just….BE….can it?

I’m not saying I’m smart or special…nor, do I claim to be. Maybe I would be, to the right person but not out there in the “real” world. They talk and twist your words and then you’re wrong. It ends up making you feel like shit. Now why do people do that? What is the point? I don’t get it and I sure as shit hope I don’t do it! I probably do, who fucking knows. Maybe we all do in our own way…but don’t intend to…but I think a lot of people do.

I don’t understand a lot of the crap in this world. I really don’t get why my abused CD played has now decided not to play a cd I really want to hear and it won't play it? I mean it's only been kicked though every room in this house AND has been thrown at my ex…. yes by me. But it chose this pinnacle moment, when I needed to hear a certain song to make me feel better, it’s telling me “no cd”…cd is in there…and another….and another. Fuckin' lil’ bastard! Oh thank you….with a little prodding and putting it up on its side and hitting it a couple of times it’s playing….and what cd…hmmm…. JD. I now look at it like its human. It wanted me to hear one song. Yeah….I know….I know, it’s not human but sometimes you think electronics are. It was right. Made me feel better “it’s choice of song”…now I think this…..

I guess I will never understand why people can be so ugly, cruel, judgmental, ignorant, arrogant, religious, weak, argumentative, abusive, hate, lie…..

I know these things live in all of us...
It’s the people that choose to use them as weapons that I don’t understand.
What’s the fucking point?
Absolutely nothing…
Unless you want to make a person feel like shit.

Normal…what a concept….

If you meet someone that’s normal
And you are semi-normal…or just a wee bit weird…maybe a lot weird
Do you think it would work?

I don't know if really normal and really weird can work.

I do tend to over think though.

I’ve been thinking about someone for awhile….

It was in Texas. He was in a band and he was also married.

The band was staying at a prostitute infested crack motel near downtown Dallas. He called me on Sunday afternoon and wanted to see me. I pulled in the parking lot and the whole band and roadies were in one of the rooms with the music blaring, eating lunch and drinking beer. I still remember the tape I was playing and the song that was on. I was playing it because they use to do a cover of it in their sets and he use to sing it, “Paradise City” by Guns and Roses. The song was almost over so I sat there for a few seconds staring at my hands in my lap thinking what am I doing here, this guy is married. When I looked up he was leaning against the door jam of the hotel room looking at me smiling. Long read hair down to his waste all in a frazzle as it always was. He walked over to the car and said “What ya doing just sittin out here?” I said I was just listening to the end of a song. He opened the car door for me and we went into the motel room. I said hi to all the guys, me and my friends knew them all very well. One of my friends was dating the drummer and the other was dating one of the roadies. We hung out for awhile and he asked if I wanted to see the pool. I said “They actually have a pool in this place?” He led me out side to the smallest pool I had ever seen, maybe 20X10 and completely dry. We climbed down the stairs and hung out the vast drought of this thing. It was really cool actually. Then one of the roadies screamed out that he had a phone call. He yelled back “Who is it?” The roadie screamed back “Dude, it’s your wife”. He disappeared for a few mins. The music instantly fell silent when he was on the phone. I could hear them fighting. I had never met her but I knew a lot of people that had. From what I gathered she was a tyrant. Who knows and who am I to judge especially standing in an empty pool on a Sunday afternoon with a married man.

He came back out and wanted to walk across the street. We went 20 feet to the most beautiful golf course I had ever seen. We walked to a small hill and sat down. He talked about his wife and how unhappy he was but at the point he was at he couldn’t do anything about the situation because of his daughter. He said that his wife had threatened that if he ever left her she would take their daughter and disappear and he would never see her again.

With a sigh he stood up and went around behind me. His left leg touched my left shoulder and his right, my right shoulder. I wrapped my arms around each of his legs. He bent over and kissed me on the forehead. He had to get back it was about time for sound check. He helped me up and we hugged for what seemed like a long time. He kissed me at my car and I left. I went and saw him play that night. Not long after that I moved here. They came to town to play right before. I got to see him one more time. It was a pretty tuff night. I never saw him again after that. I did hear through the grapevine a few years later that he finally got divorced and then remarried. I was happy for him. He finally got out of the situation he was in. It definitely hurt but I was glad he was finally happy.

I guess the reason I wrote this tonight is I still miss him. I just think that’s funny. I haven’t seen him in years….I guess I miss the feeling that I felt when I was with him.

The Monsters can make me happy

I meant the title of this so much different than it was intended. It was about my dogs. Those… little monsters…hehe Damn they are so cute tonight. They were both so sick and now, so much better. Sache is running around like a puppy….and Rip is irritated as usual…so she’s ok.

The title changed in my mind as soon as I stared writing it.

What are the Monsters that made it better tonight?

Black hole

Damn. Today was a little to much for me. I’m going to try and make it through this without starting to cry again. Ok…too late.

I’m not sure why I feel this way today, just this feeling of worthlessness. I kept trying to pin point the feeling and that’s the only word that kept coming to my mind.

I know I’m lucky. Home, car, job and a landlord that finally mowed my lawn today. Sometimes I can think all I want about these things but it didn’t help that black hole in my tummy today. It sucked me right into a void that I just can’t seem to get out of.

I don’t really have any friends here and the one that I do lives pretty far away. I come home, sit and watch TV. Since I got DSL now it’s this. I never go out, I never really do anything and it seems that me doing this for so long makes it harder to actually try. It’s hard meeting people in this town. I’m not talking dating but just friends. I’m not sure that would have helped me today but it was worth a thought.

I guess what I’m basically having is a pity party…hell at least its some kind of party.

All this shit is just swimming around in my head…one thought, then another then an obsessive thought that has nothing to do with the first 2. Just random loads of garbage. Then my throat chokes up and the tears start coming. I can’t stop them today. I usually can.

Yeah..sorry....

did i forget no sex in that?????

To Eat or Not To Eat…That is the question

I know that in some form I have an eating disorder. Now what that means remains to be questioned. I’ve been irritable these last few days. I think that it’s because I’ve been buying sugar free chocolates. I know that I can’t eat any form of sugar…. much less Sugar free chocolates.

Cakes…candies and pies…oh my.

I can’t do it anymore. I can’t.

But I found these amazing chocolates and gummies that were just like the real thing but they were sugar free. Unfortunately, they taste the same. I think I can have just as many of them as I use to or more. It’s the addiction. I can not, no matter sugar free or not, I can not have them. That hurts…and it sucks.

My life is in moderation…for food anyway…and it’s all sugar…no ding dongs, which are my favorite. No Banana Twinkies, no snow balls or Hostess cup cakes….and the orange ones are so good!!! I haven’t had a birthday cake in 6 years. Well I have, but other people ate it.

I was really fat at one point and I don’t want to be that way again.

I …I…I……what do I want to say?

Simpely...I guess… I…can’t do it.

Problem sloved..AGAIN.

This is the last time….no more….

Not even sugar free….wow…that hurt.

Now I have to quit smoking. Shit.

No sugar...no sugar free...and no smoking...wtf?

This is how my ….ugh….

Monday….I was actually at work on time today which is proving harder and harder to do each day. No one was there so no one noticed. Everyone is there when I’m late…heh maybe it’s ‘cause I’m late. I got a random email from a friend. We use to be really good friends and then we moved out here and lived together. Best friends should NEVER move in together. They aren’t best friends or even semi-friends after that. We have kept in touch over the years and we have a mutual friend that I’ve just started talking to. I get this email this morning that she wants to go have drinks, which is cool….I can stand her in small degrees. There was a lot of fucking each other over in this friendship but It’s been a hard day and I’m not going into it….except for today. Now I don’t really understand why you just can’t say “so let’s go out for drinks and I’ll invite “so and so” which is the other friend. No, she can’t do that. She has to say well I hang out with them every couple of weeks and they are working on a project with me but if you don’t want me to invite them then there is no pressure I just won’t mention it to them. WTF does that mean? I don’t care….why would I care? I’m talking to them to. What pressure? I emailed the other person and asked what the deal was. They had no idea but would come. Why do people do that? Make questions when there are none. Sorry just irritating. I think too much I guess. But really…am I wrong? Who cares anyway I guess. Or I missed a part in that story, she tends to like and try to make me jealous. I think that’s what it was. Who knows….

After that crap I went to lunch. Went to pay my gas bill. Pulling out of a parking space “Bam”. I hit another car. I looked both ways. Didn’t see anyone. Started pulling out and felt a bump and looked in my side mirror and saw a white car with just a wee bit of black that didn’t belong on that side door. Yup, from my spare tire in the back. The girl got out and was not happy. I guess her whole family seemed to work at a doctor’s office right there and they all came out. It was about 10 to 1. She gets out and says “Didn’t you see me?” I said “Obviously not.” I said “Didn’t you see my reverse lights?” She said Yes but I didn’t think you were moving. Now who out there pauses when someone is pulling out of a parking place and you see reverse lights…am I the only one? I had my driver’s license out and my insurance out and wrote it all down and a woman I believe to be her mother came out at that point as I was handing to the girl. She said “NO, I want to see your driver’s license.

You know what I just can’t go into it. I just don’t understand why they had to gang up on me. I was more than willing to give all the information that they needed. I didn’t even ask if she HAD insurance, which by the way in California if you don’t have it accidents are pretty much null and void. My car is a monster so it wasn’t damaged at all. I don’t think hers was that bad either. Just pop the dent and sand out the black from the car.

It’s sad that the world has gotten to this that people are the way they are. Don’t yell and scream at me and think I’m going to lie and try to get out of it when I am holding all the information you need. Nope, just gang up on me and yell at me. It was a fucking accident. I didn’t do it on purpose to fuck up anyone’s day. That just made me angry all over again. Sometimes bogging doesn’t help. Hmmmm….maybe JD will…..music…better…..

This morning a girl I use to work with got a horrible review. She’s a hard worker and I know she is…I worked with her as I said. One boss loves her and the other doesn’t. She had a meeting with the nice one today and he basically told her that he loves her but the other guy has a problem with her and if she doesn’t step up to the plate that she might loose her job. Now the only thing I have to say about this is the “mean man” doesn’t communicate. I’ve worked with them. They expect you to read their minds. Which we all know in a normal, sane world is impossible. She young and very eager to please and it just killed her and I hate seeing people I love go through that. Bastards!!!

Then my friend M and her husband are trying to quit smoking and she went through a MAJOR anxiety attach today. I felt so bad for her. She is trying really hard and there is nothing I can say to make it better.

Oh! Almost forgot the cherry on top, well I wouldn't call it that but I walked into 2 dogs being sick all day and I'm not talking about them throwing up. Yup, spent an hour cleaning up some of the most digusting stuff. Poor things. The smell is still lingering. You probably didn't to hear that huh?

Where’s my magic wand when I need it. Just one “blink” to make everyone’s day all better.

People wouldn’t have to be mean
Good people wouldn’t have to go through shit
and dogs wouldn't be sick

blink….blink….blink….and all is better. In a perfect world I guess.

How I wish….

I would love to think in a world that’s not here.
Where everything is plain and simple
Noting crashes and burns...
But everything does…..

I feel old and tired this morning. The sun is shinning and I’m sitting here looking at my backyard.

I’m not going to go there today. I’m just not, not today.

I had every intention of making this yet another “pour out my black heart to the world” blog and days.

Nah…I’m not old…well....kinda but I’m not 80 yet! Yeah I am tired but it’s due to lack of sleep, didn’t go to bed until 5am, and then got up at 10. Now the reason I was up until 5am is definitely a story but I don’t think that anyone out there in middle America is ready for it yet.

So what should I do today that doesn’t require money? Hmmmmmm……definitely going to pick the tangerines off my tree in the backyard. Maybe I’ll try and cut down the weed back there that is as tall as I am. Move his old guitar amp that has seen more rain than songs so I can’t see it anymore. It is quite the picture...so I just took one. When I figure out how to post a picture on here then you can see, what I’m seeing. Unfortunately, at the rate I’m going, you will never see it. I’m Computer illiterate. Keys....type....save...done. Pictures...what?

So…this is how my morning is going...or I guess went.... How’s yours?

Why......

Ahhhhh…..that’s my favorite word.

Why oh why did I say the shittiest things tonight.

But I did.

Ain't it a bitch......

I am so tired! I am talking to T and she is going through something with a guy she is dating. I am starting to feel suffocated. Breath……breath…….I’ve heard it so many times. I’ve said it so many times….JimaneeFUCKINGchristmas!!!!!

I love my T….don’t get me wrong. I know that I’ve done this SO many times when I was with DD. Babbled relentlessly to all my friends and family. I guess it’s the fact that I have the knowledge now. End it, the sooner the better. Call him up and just tell him.

It’s over
It’s done
Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out
See ya sailor
Get the fuck out
Don’t make me call 911

Ok, the last one was only in my case.

Seriously….I’m exhausted by that phone call. Plus, I talked to her for 4 hours last night. But she’s my friend. I just wish sometimes that people listened when they know you have the knowledge to help. I guess though, with relationships, everyone and everything is different. But FUCK, at least listen to ONE thing I have to say!

I know though…you don’t want to listen. You don’t want hear someone tell you either end it or stop talking about him and just live with it. If you tell them to make that phone call or tell them to have that “talk” it will be the beginning or the end. You have a 50/50 shot of it starting or ending. I think you just have to come to the point that you don’t care if it’s over or not.

I do know that it’s bad if what you are in with another person makes you feel like shit about yourself. That is not a good relationship. I can see it coming a mile away for her. She is a strong, proud person. For her to feel this way pains me.

I’m kind of glad I went through what I went through. It taught me a lot. Ok…”glad” is not the right word but I do see things in a clearer light now.

Life is to short we all know this. It’s especially to short to spend it with someone that makes you feel like shit.

Wow….9 years and that’s all I got out of it? Hey, it’s something right?

I have to go and garden or something…..damn now I’m depressed and I’m not even dating the guy!

so.....

Alone in a crowd
I think I see his face
I’m terrified
Nothing will save me
I die trying
I have no will
I have no voice
I have only terror
Beat me
Love me
Just fucking kill me

It’s not him
Someone else

Tomorrow
Alone in a crowd….

This is how everyone’s morning, noon and night went in LA today….

I watched the news tonight, BIG mistake…HUGE…(Does anyone of the two people that read this blog know what movie the last 3 words of that sentence is from?)

Number 1 story on the LA news.

This is scary for me campers because it happened to me, more than once…the steering wheel being pulled away by the passenger, not the people killing part though. See following story….

News….

A woman this morning was driving with her boyfriend in Culver City and they were arguing. He grabbed the wheel and steered her into 15 children and a teacher. All of the children survived but the teacher died. The woman is in custody and the boyfriend turned himself in an hour later. Both walked away from the scene…..of the fucking crime!!!!

Lunch time….don’t it just keep getting better huh?

Denny’s…just going out for a bite…right?
A homeless, senile man walks into a Denny’s and open fires. Three were wounded and two were killed. Two, a man, 74 and another man, 65. They just went to lunch, together…that’s all…Then the homeless man turned the gun on himself. Dare I ask how a homeless person can get a gun in LA…much less senile…? Go figure.


HIGH SPEED CHASE AND I MISSED IT!!!! Damn….
A convicted killer took police though a high speed chase today…fading, as I’m saying into tonight. He took off a couple of bumpers then finally pulled over, got out of the car and with hands up he fell to the ground. There was only one cop that came up to hand cuff him…I just thought it was funny…only “ONE” cop came up to hand cuff him. Usually it’s like white on rice here….it’s usualy a swarm of LAPD. Nope…not today…the others cops… were…well…kinda busy.

Now I don’t mean to make jokes about this shit but….come on. Well yeah, I do. You have to. Because it’s everyday here. I don’t think it's on a day to day basis but, Fuck, it’s here. It’s more prominent than in any other city. It happens randomly in other places….

Just check CNN tomorrow and see if I’m in the highlights.

Cause you never know……I might be Jane Doe…..

Ohhh..I rhyned.....only here, again, is that funny?

Save your tears and laughter...

Finally…

I didn’t do it. He needed just 5 boxes left at my house. Can’t do it. I can’t go anywhere near that. I know the boundries. It hurts. No more. I had so much to say tonight. He still …no…I almost said he cripples me…I do it to myself……not anymore….

For the first time I don’t feel bad. He has to take care of himself. I can’t do it for him anymore. I just can’t.

Once again...

I'm going to brush all the shit off and think...AGAIN...am I making a drama out of this? Maybe? It hurts so bad sometimes I can't stand it.

None of this makes sense to anyone else but me. I can't do it anymore.

Love?…..

Sunday. I’m not, in such a good mood. I was fine until I talked to T.

Had my merry day. Actually got up and did something today. Did all the back laundry I had to do. Or most of it anyway.

She loves him. I always knew she did. She just wouldn’t say it. They went out last night and this morning she didn’t want him to leave. She couldn’t explain it. I asked if it was like someone shot a hole through her, she said yes. She said that she felt empty when she saw him walking down the stairs. She doesn’t know what to do now. She feels vulnerable and doesn’t like that feeling.

I guess what I’m getting at here is…it’s so hard. You love someone and you don’t know if they love you back. You’re afraid to ask…or tell. That’s what T is going through. She loves him. She doesn’t want to hear the “I don’t love you” and she’s not willing to take that chance. I told her you have to know….it’s black and white. Loves you or doesn’t. She doesn’t want to take the chance on “the doesn’t”. I don’t blame her. No one wants to hear the no.

Ain’t it just fucked up? Love is one big mind fuck….hell, even “like” pretty much screws you up.

She made me miss him. Not my ex…someone else.

The touch, the hug, the him….the way he smells…the way he feels. I miss it. I’m not really sure men know how much we think about them after they are gone. It’s a fucking bitch to be a woman. We think way to much, when men, I don’t think, think at all. If they do, they don’t think the right way.

I miss the feeling….skin on skin….sweet whispers in the middle of the night……

Swell…Whenever you’re Ready…

Bought the above CD from a thrift store yesterday. Pretty damn good. Kind of nuvo KROQ. It’s different. I likey! Good music. Always love when they use other instruments besides guitar and bass.

Question…not like anyone would answer but M.

Before I go on…..it’s cold here. I have on 3 shirts, a scarf and a skull cap. It’s supposed to be in the 30’s here tonight. Damn! I’m sorry; I thought I was in California. Not tonight. There is snow on the mountains. It’s March. I’m sure I’ve mentioned that I don’t have heat. Shit.

Ok, so here is one of my many problems. Boy, is my problem. I think that he is stringing me along. I don’t really like that. I don’t think that it’s fair. I think that it’s bullshit. Why can’t men just say what they think? Or women for that matter. No one, it seems to me, can talk. It’s a very simple process. Open mouth and make sound. People don’t want to do this. TALK TO ME. TELL ME. I CAN’T READ YOUR MIND.

Nope. It doesn’t happen. People don’t talk. I don’t understand this. You ask me a question and I’ll answer. Most people don’t want to ask the question because they don’t want to hear the answer. I’ve asked questions and the person refuses to answer. Tell me…Just fucking tell me something besides bullshit. So tired of bullshit.

This is what I think. Men don’t have the balls….just say you don’t like us. Just say that you don’t want to see us again. I know that I can handle it. Maybe some can’t. Yeah it will hurt for a couple of days….but then we move on.

Women think and think and think. Why isn’t he calling….why doesn’t he call me..why doesn’t he like me….It’s a horrible process. I don’t think that men do that. But I don’t know. Who the fuck cares.

All I know is that I like this guy. Yes he has a lot of shit going on I understand this. But if you don’t explain to me what you are going through then I have no idea. I have no clue why you are being freaky, or sensitive, or a dick. Because you just won’t talk to me.
Just speak…..

Well…Welll…Well…

This is how my morning went.

I called in sick today. Sore throat, sniffles…left ear feels like it’s going to explode or implode...my chancess were 50/50…..besides that it’s all good….or is it? It’s like fucking “Dynasty” over here. Not really, but there is still hope.

The day was….well, as you can expect……nothing. I did have to get out of the house. Yeah I know. You call in sick and you should stay at home. But hey….I had phone calls all morning from work. Couldn’t sleep. Every time I felt the end coming…phone rings…and….whatever

And if I wouldn’t have called in sick…and didn’t have an extreme attraction to jackets….I never would have found the one that…..i found.

Stop…stop the bullshit. We just changed channels.

I don’t like the pop ups. The ones online are anaoying enough….but the memory pop ups are the bitch.

Let me tell you what my problem is….I’m weak.

This has been a bad week for me. I have thought and tried to figure out what I’ve done. I would love to blame him like I always do and did. To my defense “judge”…I never tried to chock him to death…..

Was it my fault? Was it his fault?
Who the fuck knows?.
I fucking hate ME!

Now all the bullshit aside….who was to blame for all of this shit that I’m going through? WHO???? Me? Self discoveray is quite the bright light. Not a pretty one.

I am sick and tired …just sick and tired. This shit is not fair….I know that everyone has gone through it but why do we have to?

Fucking “why” word again…just like the “what if” phrase. All tend to drive me crazy. Most people don’t think this way. Bastards!

I guess we all have our own shit. Some worse than others…Have I said that before? I’m sure I have.

Everyone has it better or worse than you.
If you have a roof over your head…you’re lucky.
Family…you’re really lucky
Someone you would die for….you beat lucky.

Fuck it....

FUCK!!!!

Son of a bitch mother fucker!!!

My original post was going to be kind…. but "What the Fuck"?????

Why do ….or why do I?….or…

I HATE the word WHY….

Will I continue to feel the pain of this CRAP?

No one…no... one..... SINGLE person can tell me it will get better.

Only I can. It’s coming, but not soon enough for me

HOW was I wrong…HOW?

It was suppose to last forever….
We promised.

What a fucking joke….

Yup, I talked to him tonight.

Why aren’t I…?

A go getter? A mover and a shaker? Hell, to me moving is just slightly left on the couch, maybe leaning forward just a tad to pick up the remote. I’ve never understood that about myself. It takes me 2 weeks to do laundry when after the first week I really needed to. My friend M asked me the other day “I wonder how many times you say “”I need to do laundry””. Heh, I do say it a lot. I hate laundry.

I think I like to complain. Maybe that’s it. Bitch and moan and all that jazz. Complaining is more fun that actually doing it though isn’t it? Well, I guess not to the people around me. They are thinking….JUST FUCKING DO IT!!!!” Isn’t that a Nike ad without the “fucking” in it? Maybe if I bought a pair of Nikes I might do it. Oh, wait, I have a pair of Nikes. Shit, well that blows that idea out of the water. Funny thing is most people I know have to replace their sneakers every 6 months to a year. I think mine are 6 years old but they look new. I thought that was a good thing at first but now that I wrote it down….I think that might be bad.

But seriously, it takes everything in my being to get me up and moving. What is that? Some incurable disease? I’ll just sit like a…a…blob for the rest of my life? I don’t really want to be a blob.

I do have a lot of amazing (or so I think) ideas. A lot entail money which in my current situation, isn’t going to fly but others are free. My mom told me one night “You always talk about all these things your going to do but never do them”. She’s right. Why oh why do mothers always have to be right? It’s not fair. I just sounded 7 years old to myself. I’m starting to scare myself. I have Blobdalisum! Maybe the cure is proving Mothers around the world wrong. Ohhhhh…..I think that might be it! The funny thing about that last statement is it wasn’t a joke.

I must admit, lately I have been restless and bored. Even bored with TV. Now that is frightening if you actually know me. But I just keep sitting here. I do have grand ideas of things to do, I just don’t do them. Like now…I really need to get in the shower (not that this is a grand idea but if you were in the same room as me right now you might think so) I’ve been procrastinating all night. I keep telling myself “you have to take a shower”. I’ve even been bitching to my dogs (yes crazy dog lady rears her ugly head again). But here I sit 10:30 and no shower. It is really cold here though and I don’t have any heat…..crap!…there I go again.

I really don’t smell THAT bad, so don’t get disgusted…..

*sniff…sniff*…..

Ummm…I have to take a shower now…….

Road Rage? Uh-huh!

A little irritated tonight. Well let’s start with my morning. I woke up to find dog shit on my bed. Now I know, that my little Rip can't help herself sometimes due to certain disabilities, but it's not so pretty to wake up to .....espically at the foot of my bed. Thanks for the present but Christmas is already over. Yes, I was angry, no, I shouldn't have been but it was the initial "waking up with shit on my bed " reaction Yes, I apologized to her but she still has to wash the sheet. That's our agreement. SEE! I'm already talking to/about my dogs like....like...a crazy old lady! DAMNIT!!!!!

Had a good day at work after that “incident”. “BUT” and there is always one for me…..tonight after leaving work, which took me about 10 mins. From the alley to the first stop light I hit, about ½ a block. ROAD RAGE HIT! Now I don’t usually get this anymore. When I was younger sure. Don’t we all…well maybe not but, whatever.

First off, the Oscars were held across the street from my building. They shut off Hollywood blvd. Blah…blah…blah….but the traffic is unbelievable. I won’t even go into it. I think I have in this blog and also I’m sick of thinking about it. Well, tonight they didn’t even get all the Oscar shit down and there was a screening for the new Bruce Willis movie. Again, Hollywood blvd. was shut down. Come on people!

I do have a secret route that about 2 other BILLION people know about, ok maybe 2 thousand. Anyway, it’s up Mollohan Drive. A very curvy road through the hills….or mountains. This person in front of me was going about 20 the whole way and slamming on his brakes at every curve. There’s a hell of a lotta curves on this road, I must add. I almost hit him 5 times. I had a choo choo train of cars behind me….and him….or her. It was unbelievable.

I do wish that we had the right…as fellow drivers….to pull them over and just say “Give me your driver’s license, you no longer have the right to drive….and how did you get it in the first place??????????? Brand new BMW SUV. Oh… I so could have rammed him and just leveled that car! Sorry road rage again….but I could have.

The thing that was the cherry on top is she/he/them/they had their radio up so loud that they couldn’t hear ALLLLLLLLL the cars honking behind them. I am definitely not against loud music I just can’t stand shitty drivers especially when listen to shitty music and drive a sweet car that should not be…well…umm…basically driven by them. Drive a wreaked car; take a bus, the metro maybe? A cab that’s it! Bicycle? How about just walk. Because you made at least 20 people have a really shitty drive home.

But I’m not bothered by it….not bothered by it at all.

No Human Contact......

I’m going to try and not be depressing tonight (haha that’s funny) but it seems to come natural most of the time.

Didn’t do much of anything yesterday....that is how my morning, noon and night went. Actually nothing at all. Went to the store and bought smokes, wine and food, that was about it. Very frustrated sitting in the house all day. For the first time I was frustrated. I always liked staying in the house on the weekend. I’m a definite homebody. Yesterday, not so much.

I think that I’m getting to the point that I need human contact. During the week I’m fine. I go to work and have people around me all the time.

Weekends are different. I can go for 3 hours without saying a word. Except for the occasional chatter to “the girls” which tends, sometimes, to make me feel like a crazy person. I’m thinking I’ll be 80 talking to a bunch of dogs and cats. Ok, flipped to depressing…or was I already there? On the weekends besides sleeping a lot, I talk to my friends on the phone, probably too much. Read, do some writing and watch TV. Ho…Hum….oh well.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! IMGOINGTOLOOSEMYFUCKINGMINDSOMETIMESOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…little better. Actually screamed that out loud.

K…sorry. As I said, my point is human contact. Doesn’t have to be a relationship, sex, dating….or should that be dating, relationship, sex or dating, sex, relationship? I could also just go for sex…whatever…. Everyone has their personal preference I guess. I just want someone to hang out with, preferable male. A hug, arm around my shoulder. Geese, ANYTHING! I’m not talking walks on the beach and candle lit dinners….ugh. Hell, just drive by, get out of the car…give me a hug and leave. ANYTHING!

I guess part of a break up no matter how horrible the whole thing was is at least you had someone there. Now granted…in the end the man never hugged me or even gave me the first hint of human contact…does throwing a phone at me count as human contact? Yeah, probably not.

Interesting….I guess I just came to a realization. I thought the reason I missed it so much is because I haven’t had it since he’s been gone. In actuality I haven’t had it in years.

DAMN!!! No wonder I’m a mess about this!

The fog has finally cleared….and the insane has left the building…

He showed up today. Unannounced and uninvited. Oh…and with a coke-over.

I talked to him last night. Several hang ups later and leaving my phone off the hook proved for a restless nights sleep. I don’t know when I will learn, it doesn’t matter what I say. He believes what he wants to believe. With him, he gets a thought in his head and believes its truth, when it's not. Does that make any sense? The man thinks he knows what I am thinking and has absolutely no idea but what he has in HIS mind is truth. So bizarre to me. It proves to be a serious mind fuck.

Well, maybe not anymore because I know I can’t change it. Today was a serious realization for me. It’s over. It’s really all over. No more pain, relentless questions, screaming, antagonizing…. Which he did today but it didn’t effect me like it normally would. I no longer choose to live my life this way. He can’t control me anymore. A friend told me that this is a new beginning. I can start from scratch.

After he left I got in the car to go to the store. I started crying. For the first time they weren’t tears of sadness. I was crying of relief. I don’t have to do it anymore. It only cost an hour of my time today….before it would have been my whole day….and my night…and the next day…and again and again.

People come into other peoples lives for a reason. I do believe this. To what extent I have no idea. I had a person that helped pull me out of this, then, he was gone. Coming into someone’s life for 9 years I don’t quite understand, but there is a reason. I’m starting to see them everyday.

Maybe I wouldn’t be doing the things I’m doing now. Maybe I’m a stronger person. Maybe I’m into things now that I would have never found.

Maybe I should just stop thinking....
.....nah...that's the easy way out.

STOP!

I came home one day from work and he was here with a bloody nose. It seems he had gotten off work early and had gone to a bar. Not like he wasn’t drinking throughout the day, hell he probably cracked a beer at 4:30AM when he got up for work. Anyway, he was always terrified of the police much less tagged by them. He was walking home from the bar and his drink of choice for that day was jaggeriermister. How many he had plus what he had that morning I can’t even fathom….and he never told me. He was (or thought) he was being followed by the police walking on his way home from the bar so chose to turn down a side street. He realized that he really couldn’t walk that well because he was so drunk and all the sudden BAM! He hit a stop sign. Full on, no hands out. After he stumbled back for a second he fell into someone’s front yard. After he fell he couldn’t get up, so he decided to take a nap in someone’s front yard. Are you kidding me? I would have been arrested in a second. Him…no. I have to tell you that this was around 2pm in the afternoon. I am so surprised that no one called the police. The funny thing is that he was running from them when this all happened. He guessed about how long he had been passed out on these people’s lawn and he thought it was for about an hour. Finally he got up and made his way home. He never bothered to clean himself up and when I came home what I saw was unbelievable…much less the story. The guy hit a STOP sign. Isn’t that a clear indication that God himself is telling you to stop doing what you are doing? Not him…I had to chuckle.

We have our mishaps. We get drunk…fall down….get back up. Sometimes we fuck up without being drunk or fucked up by any means. The guy slammed into a FUCKING stop sign WITHOUT a car (thank goodness) simply walking.

The one thing through all this is where blame lies. He always pegged me? Well I can’t actually say that at the end of the story but at the first he did because we had been fighting. So he got drunk because of me and that’s why all of it happened. In the end he did realize that I wasn’t to blame. But I got the shit for it. He screamed and yelled like a crazy person and called me all kinds of names because HE had gotten drunk and walked into a stop sign. Have you ever known anyone that has walked into ANY sign? Then blamed you? Unless you pushed them into one.

No More BOOKS!!!!

I have had two books given to me in the last 2 months.

The first was “Dogs of Babel”. Weird book. Involved a mentally disturbed wife that committed suicide and dog mutilation. Second, which I am currently reading is “Running with scissors. Involves people that are mentally disturbed.

Here’s my problem. And it is MY problem. The people that lent me these books know about DD and that I have dogs...and certain other animals living in my house which remain nameless....ok...mice.

The first book when he started describing his wife…I got through the second sentence and knew she had issues.

The second book, which is a true story, is ALL about mental illness.

Both disturb me. They make me sick to my stomach. I don’t know what kind of mental illness my ex has but I know for FUCKING sure there is something wrong with him. I even went as far to tell him he needed to see a doctor. Yeah…that was a great night. I know everyone has their issues and problems. This guy was out of control. I have never seen such rage and hatred to everyone and everything.

The reason this blog came up is the book I’m currently reading the mother has mental breakdowns. The whole book is disturbing but two quotes really hit me.

The son is sitting across from her and the quote is “Not only did my mother look stark raving mad, but looked smug in her madness. Like she was pleased to take this mental vacation.”

The second…. “Her eyes looked like someone had lit a match behind them.”

I have seen both of these in him, many times, in all the years we were together. I never heard anyone describe them with more accuracy. I couldn’t have.

It’s a great thing to pass along a book but I think one should consider who they are giving the book to next time. Not going to do the “Hey so-and-so here’s a book I just read its great!” No. It’s not that simple for some people. I can’t believe that the girl that gave me “Dogs of Babel” owns a dog that she adores. The thought of what was in that book happening to my dogs still haunts me. That book got passed around the office and a new guy started. He has a dog. He was the next, after me to get the book. I went into his cube and said “I know you have a dog. You know that I have two. This book is very disturbing if you are a dog owner. Do you still want to read it?” He actually said “Thanks for the warning, I’ll read it but if it gets to bad I won’t finish it”.

Now as for the mental illness book. I don’t think that M knew it would affect me. I didn’t even think it would, but it does. I’ve felt disturbed for the last couple of days and the realization came to me tonight. M, I’m not blaming you. It’s just me.

The two quotes I mentioned earlier were some of the scarcest episodes I’ve lived through with him. They happened often in the end. He was just so insane it seemed to me and I do not use the word "insane" loosely.

There was also another part in the book where one of his friends was married to a much older man that was mentally unstable and use to beat her. After all was said and done she use to talk and say how much she missed him. The male charter in the book said that she missed the abuse….the drama. I completely understand that. My life went from pure chaos to nothing….silence. I’m not sure miss is the right word but it’s the only one I feel sometimes. By no means do I want it back but it’s just “strange” now. Different is all, I guess.

Life is about change. Don’t like it much but I’m moving forward. I’m all about the comfort of my life. I am the type of person that likes to drive the same way to work and back, go to the same grocery store, same everything. I like my patterns. I guess this is a new beginning. It’s all about change right?

I don’t think I should join the book of the month club anytime soon. Ummm….I just wrote a bad blog about people being nice and passing books along.

Just a tad upset….sorry.

Reminds me of DD and the stop sign story. Don't know why. Guess I just need a laugh. I will publish that tonight.

Another high speed chase in LA….go figure…

I can say that I have been LAized. I’m one of the people that watch the “Breaking News”, “High Speed Chase” It’s so dramatic out here. It’s seems to me everyone watching wants the criminal to get away.

I did see one that the guy was in the clear…or shall I say “coverage” from the helicopter. The commentator even said “We’ve lost him!” I was so excited! I thought for once, this one was smart enough to get away. Nah. He eventually pulled out from the “coverage” and got himself arrested.

I don’t know….I guess if you are going to take that chance and run from the cops then at least…..ok…I just laughed out loud. How stupid does this sound. “At least think about it?” Well, they aren’t thinking. So that is out the window.

I was talking to my friend on the phone, when the news was on so I didn’t get the whole story. I do know that they stole a Police SUV. People tend to do that here. Steal cop cars. How they get away with it, I have no idea.

I can’t imagine getting into a cop car and just taking off. Yes it would be exciting in my dreams or thoughts….but prison, no. That goes to nightmares.

I’ve done stupid shit in my life…..but come on. Did I ever wake up and think “Hmmm…today is a nice day to steal a cop car and go on a high speed chase?.”

No. But that’s just me.

I’d simply prefer no traffic on the way to work. Hey…wait a minute….if I stole a cop car, turned on the sirens that would mean no traffic right? Maybe I would consider it.

I have no idea why I am writing about this. I guess I think it is so strange that people do this shit. Here in our own little planet of CA. the world stops when there is a high speed chase. BUT when an earthquake hits we shrug our shoulders and say “ahhhh at least it wasn’t a 7. I really don’t think that makes sense. Maybe because I’m from Texas. Things here don’t make sense to me.

Then again, nothing makes sense. Go figure...

Is there never never land?

Me and M talked about death tonight. Nice, pleasant, Wednesday night conversation. Isn’t it funny how that happens? At the most unexpected times we talk about the unexpected.

M told me about a dream she had. I won’t divulge too much because we keep M secret here. Unless….she will let me???? The dream did entail a point of not breathing. This scared her as well as me….hell, I almost passed out just from her talking about it. We started talking about times in our lives that we almost bit the bullet. Not the times in high school or college when you drank too much, were stupid, walked home alone and shouldn’t have but the real times that it could have been over…..and you saw it coming, but it didn’t happen.

M’s was a car wreck. Head on crash. She thought she was dead. I saw the pictures that were taken after it happened. Yes…I could see how she thought that. I’m surprised that she lived through it. MY M!!!!!

For me I have 2 times. One I was in the left hand turn lane and there was a car in front of me. I had a RX-7 at the time and looked to my left to see a huge Explorer that was not stopping for the red on his side. I still remember me talking…or screaming to the car in front of me “MOVE…MOVE….GO….GO!!!!!!!!!!!!! At the last second the car in front of me pulled up and the Explorer that was still probably going 60 went past my back bumper. It still makes me sweat a little. I did see in my rear view mirror the car pulled over. I think it hit the car behind me.

Second time…
At work I was parking across the street at one point. There is a huge cross walk. I had the little green man telling me it was ok to “walk”….little green man is a liar. To all the little children out there, young and old don’t trust that thing!!!! He’s evil! Anyway, I got half way across a 4 lane street and here comes a school bus. Honestly, I shit you not, I felt the breeze on my face….it wasn’t even a breeze…I'm surprised the rearview mirror didn’t take my nose off. I saw the letters of the school on the side of the bus but couldn’t read it because I was too close. After it passed….I froze. Just stood there. A girl I work with came up behind me and asked if I was ok. She said “I just saw that, you almost got hit by a bus!” ummmmm…….uh huh…… She was very sweet, helped me to the curb. Then I had to drive home. Yippee!

At least let me get hit by a beer truck, much better story.

We all know it will happen. But is there that ability to choose when it will happen? I read a book by a physic and she said that we actually have the option of taking the out with out even knowing it. The close to deaths are actually our choice….we choose to live or die. Do I believe it? 70/30% on that one. 70 is yes.

When…why…how….is the hidden question.

Did God create us? Who ever we perceive him to be? I believe yes. Now in 7 days he created the earth…that’s a stretch. I can’t even clean my house in 7 days. Maybe he’s a go getter.

We are all just a bump in time. Use your bump wisely.

Something I learned from my grandma…

Learn to look at the sky when it sunny
Never run through the rain because it’s God crying
Listen to the birds sing
Look at the flowers
Remember the smell of fresh sheets taken off the clothes line because there is no other smell like that in the whole world.
Love your friends and family
You got one shot….or maybe not
Who knows?
But this “one” will all be gone someday

I remember staying at her house and waking up at 5am in the morning.
She was already up.
I would get out of bed and walk to the kitchen.
“What are you doing up?” she would say
“cause your up” I’d answer
She would make me buttered toast.
We would sit there and talk while I ate my toast and she drank her coffee.
It was still dark outside.

The best memory of my life.

It will all be gone someday. She knew what she was talking about.

The smartest woman I ever met. She didn’t know one thing though…as long as I’m alive, it’s not gone. She’s not gone.

Buttered toast….black coffee….all is good.