Trailer Trash Sunday Dinner….

It’s been a bizarre, action packed weekend over here. So to top it all off I thought that I would have a down home trailer trash Sunday dinner. What’s on the menu tonight you might ask? Spaghetti with Wolf Brand Chili (My mom, sister and Min send it to me from Texas….they don’t sell it here) with cheddar cheese on top. Shove that in the oven and you have the most delish coronary casserole you could imagine. I just had some. It was amazing. Love it!

This weekend…wow, what a trip. Not that I took one or anything but there was a lot of self awakening. I hate it when that happens….but it was all good I guess.

Funny…sometimes I just don’t like looking at certain aspects of my personality…..dealing with it…then having to actually correct it. I’m a Leo and I’m Italian so having said that….me being wrong on any point? I don’t think so. I’ve come to find though that I’m wrong probably more often than I’m right about things, I just have the gift of argument and words that I can use in my favor. If I get pissed off enough the other person will back off….except for my Mom that is…..she buries me.

What is the phrase? You never want to grow up to be like your parents but you usually are? Don’t remember….anyway….it’s true, in a sense. I noticed this weekend that I have a lot of her traits. Most of which I don’t like. I am slowly trying to change them. Maybe I am offensive….overbearing….to talkative….maybe I’m also over analyzing this. Don’t get me wrong…I love my Mom…I just feel as if she thinks the world is such crap and I don’t see it that way at all.

Anyway….not that anyone cares but….I guess what I’m saying is I have to work on myself after him….and the way I think everything should be…or fall into place.

Life isn’t the big purty pink bow that I think it should be…so I think I have adjust the way I see things just a bit.

The only problem that I have is I’ve lived in a bad place for so long I think I went completely in the other direction.

I need to find the middle. Somewhere in the middle of…

16 Candles and Apocalypse Now.

But for this moment….the world is quiet…it’s a sweet place.

Hehe…..pink bow.

INXS

6/17/06

Live in concert…I will be there. With JD. Hehe.

This is how my morning is….

It really is beautiful this morning. Overcast….dark….my kind of morning. I love it.

I started this blog in the morn. Now I rarely write in the morning….well I guess the wee hours of the night count as morning. Anyhoo

I’ve come to a realization about myself. I’m not quite sure how to change it…even if I wish to.

I don’t know if I’m not well spoken, or I say the wrong things at the wrong time or maybe I’m just misunderstood. Maybe Mindy can help me out on this one.

I am not an outspoken person. Through the years I have semi become one. I will speak when I’m around people I know, when I’m pissed or when I’m drunk. Hehe…. If I’m comfortable with someone you will know my whole life story in 15 mins. Well, I guess that is coming on a little strong. I guess what I want to know about myself is why I offend people when I don’t think I’m being offensive.

I wrote a blog about my Mother and then deleted it because I thought if my sister read it she would be mad. But last night, I finally realized what my Mother does to me that really pisses me off. And now I’m wondering if it’s me that is making her do this.

I am talking about what I blogged about last night. I just couldn’t understand why anyone would do that to children. She got mad at me for this. She said “People are just MEAN! Why can’t you understand this?” By the way she was yelling.

I think I just got it…..

In MY world….everything should be packaged in pretty wrapping paper with a big pink bow and all should be good.

In my world
No one dies
Animals aren’t left on the street
Animals don’t die
There is no war
There is no poverty
No children are starving
No children are beaten
No children die
Like a fairy tale
You plant a seed
It grows
Out of control
So beautiful
All is quiet
No police helicopters
No sirens
No law
Cause there is no need
No innocence is lost
Only lived
Unfortunately
This land lives only in me.
This is why I don’t understand


I really do understand now. I don’t live in this world. I do understand the problems and the situations of life but I know it shouldn’t be this way. I guess I do live in my own fantasy land. I don’t watch the news, vote, read the paper….what’s the point. Let’s read about who fucked over who today. Nah….

This also crosses over to my job. I don’t think it’s fair. For anyone. People are treated differently. Some people do a shitty job and move up the corporate latter just fine. Other people work their asses off and are NEVER appreciated. It’s not fair.

I know life isn’t fair….but it should be. I think this is where I differ from other people. This is why I think I piss people off. I will never change this frame of thought. Things should be different.

People should NOT have a ZILLION dollars when people are starving on the street.
UNFAIR!

There should NOT be politicians that choose for us when we don’t even know them

People should not be murdered by another person’s hand.

We should not kill someone for killing someone else

Every fucking spec of this life is so crazy. I have turned my corner and I realize that I am now the same person that I was a long fucking time ago. Every morning is new. I am one of those people that carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and the world didn’t ask me to. I think and ponder “why?” There is no answer and I know that. But a friend said that “sometimes why is a good thing". I don’t understand the world and I never will. I can only hope that I will step into someone’s life and make a difference, if only for a second.

Ok….he had perfect timing for once. My ex just called. I asked him if I was annoying or insulting. He said “what do you mean?” I told him about what my mother said last night and why he thought she got angry. He said something that I already knew…”Why ask why India? You always did that. People are just shitty. I don’t think you will ever realize that.”

I think that’s what makes people so pissed off when they talk to me. I will fight to the bitter end that no one is shitty and the world isn't shitty…it’s what we make it.

Did you know that I’m living in a condo with Tinkerbelle? In LaLa land?

I will leave you with one poem…from and unknown….well I’m sure it’s know but I bought it at a thrift store….it’s cheesy but true…


Time is…..
Too slow for those who wait,
Too swift for those who fear,
Too long for those who grieve,
Too short for those who rejoice,
But for those who love….
Time is Eternity


You know…it really is beautiful, all of it….people just need to see it.

Texas relived tonight….

I am SO FUCKING PISSED right now. I can’t believe what I just saw! It was like I was back in Texas.

Ok…I have to calm down and tell the story.

I was walking my dogs and heard someone yelling and no one yelling back….which is normal here. I saw a white truck and a guy walking around the tailgate and saying “Don’t ever let that bike near my truck or you will never see it again or I’ll just hail it into the middle of the street and run over it.” Now these sounded like fighting words to me…and I couldn’t see anyone else so I crossed the street and went in between the back of his truck and a car in back of him. As I came around his truck…low and behold there were two children there. A big brother, of about 10 and a smaller boy probably 5 or 6. The older brother was helping the younger one get his bike off the ground. I asked if they were ok and the older spoke and said a meager “yes”. The little boy just looked at me and got on his bike and started to ride. I asked what happened and the big brother said “It was just an accident. My little brother lost his balance and hit the guy’s truck with his bike.” I was still at the front of this guy’s truck and he had gotten in and was just sitting there. I turned around and said “What is your problem?” The guy just stared at me. I followed the boys down the block and asked where they lived and if their father was home because Mr. Psycho truck man was still sitting in his car watching us. The older boy said “down the street and yeah my father is home.” I followed them home. When we got to their house I said…”He had no right to talk to ya’ll that way, it was just an accident. You should tell your Dad.” The older boy said “Thank you, that was really nice of you”. Now I thought about that later and I hope I wasn’t wrong for telling them to tell their Dad that but the guy was a little freaky and he was still sitting in his truck.

I am not a mother (except to my 2 dogs). I will NEVER understand what right ANYONE has to talk to children that way. You just don’t. I know parents loose control and talk to their kids in manners others don’t understand but others also don’t understand the day to day living with a certain child. But for a stranger to talk that way to those two boys was unacceptable.

Well sorry Mr. Psycho, in the white truck, that you had a bad day! We all do! Get the FUCK over it!! And if your pansy ass needs to yell at 2 kids to make yourself feel a better man… then you should just end it all!!! Drive that nice purty truck off a cliff somewhere…hell, I give you the gas money to do it! God only help us if this man has kids of his own! What a fucking….firkin….I have not one really good foul word to express what I want to call him….Now ain’t that a bitch! No! That’s it! He was just a little bitch!

A lotta Liberachi going on here

Funny in LA how people never meet up, “hook-up” as they say here…or, the always famous…”Let’s do lunch” and that never happens. But when you do see them, by chance, they always say “it’s a small world. I can’t believe that I saw you tonight.” I just think…I’m the LAST person you wanted to see and you are the LAST person I wanted to see.

I guess I just had to get that out but I’m building up here people.

I got my next door neighbor on a cleaning craze (which it’s rare to know your neighbor in the first place here). He is gutting his full house. He is throwing out shit left and right, which, I think, he should just burn the place but at lease he’s trying. We discussed switching furniture the other night, which we have done before, but tonight it was a Liberachi moment. He brought me the most magnificent piece of furniture. The heavens opened up and I was saved. Oh it’s beautiful I tell ya!!!! 5’x3’ chest o’ drawer/buro…..oh it’s purty. Just what I wanted, for my new thing. In exchange I gave him my old Chest o’ drawers. Which was huge and a little ‘80’s but he said he needed a change. I guess the sea foam green got to him… just a little.

My point from the above is…people can actually have friends here. Geeze…I’m switching FUNITURE with my next door neighbor. NO ONE does that here…much less talk to their neighbor. Honestly, I’ve found better friendships here than in Texas.

I guess the whole point is it’s all new…again, with a different outlook. It’s bizarre. Heh. It’s kinda cool…..I think I like it.

Dark moon…clear world…

I see things in a much brighter light. A friend told me about a stone…that water washes over it….around it…again and again….and we are the stone…withstanding the water and all it’s battles…through out time….I agree with him…

You can loose yourself in years…but you can make it up in a second without even knowing it. I guess you can change to make the water wash around you just a little different and make it your own.

Life is amazing. It baffles you at every turn.

I took a turn tonight….made the water change, just a little different….for just a second. I know now that things can change.

I can change…in the smallest of ways….and change is coming…

I don’t think that anyone will understand this but James…..thank you for what you sent me.

Hallmark moment….

Ok there is a Hallmark movie on TV. Should I do it???? Should I watch it???? With the way my mood has been this weekend….I know I shouldn’t, but it’s like a train wreck. I just gotta watch it…..

I know it’s a mistake but I’m doing it.

_______________________________________________________________

(half way through movie)

Ok you know what...the movie is actually pretty good and not making me cry at all.

But can we talk about the fucking Hallmark commercials……they are killing me over here! Movie isn’t a tear jerker but the commercials are…..Wtf??

_______________________________________________________________

(end o’ stupid movie)

I should have known…..the end was gonna be bad….I should have known! It’s common knowledge with these stinking friggin movies!!!

Yup…I was bawling…

Note to self:
NEVER…..FUCKING….EVER……under ANY circumstances, watch a Hallmark movie again! I don’t care if someone has a gun pointed at my head…..I will tell them to fucking shoot!!!!

One more time...better...faster...and with more feeling...

What the fuck did I do wrong? Now I’m starting to think…that’s always bad... Ok….I know…I know…people can say all they want about what I’ve been through. But they are not ME. Yeah I fucked up. Man…I fucked up bad. What a mind fuck that I did to myself….not to mention what he did to me. See….I thought it was all good. I thought that I was free and clear from this shit or his bullshit. No…..not sure that I will ever be.

He did more damage than I thought.

It’s like a movie in your mind that won’t stop. No pause…no eject…nothing but play…..and that shit is playing today…….


Over and over and over again……

That’s why….

....as much as I like to fight it......i fell apart today. I got ugly with my best friend in the whole fucking world and I just didn’t know why. Now I do.

I’m cleaning up the fucking mess. His mess…my mess….I can’t scrub hard enough. It’s all such a bunch of bullshit. I really thought that this shit was over. Every thing that he brought into this house that I have to move out I don’t think it matters. It does.

Fuck…I’m sitting here crying….in my deserted kitchen…..and typing a blog…man am I fucking pathetic or what?

It’s amazing…when you finally see it and then you can’t do anything about it. I’m on highs and lows at this point. Sometimes I’m really happy, then others….it’s completely dismal…today is dismal.

I thought it would be good to get out that rug that he brought into the house that was blue (yuck….I don’t like blue) and move the 50’s table that I bought at a garage sale for $5 and painfully scrubbed the rust off all of the legs that has been broken for 2 years. This is a good thing right? Then why do I feel like shit? Why am I crying?

I’m crying because I’m a mess….and I know it….or just realized it.

What was the best kiss you ever had….?

I talked to my sister tonight. We talked about our best kiss ….ever….the only one that still melts our hearts when we think about it.

The guy took her by surprise. Grabbing her hand…out of the blue….. All in all, she described, a very sweet first kiss. Made her weak…..in the knees, that is.

But what is your “one” memorable kiss, that you will never forget?

My first kiss….that meant something….and was the best…of course it would be from the one that got away. My….best…kiss… was a kiss on the forehead….on a golf course….I’ve told this story before. I still hold something in my heart for him. But man oh man….he stole my heart with that one kiss….that one day….

I’ll take all the items on the $1 menu please……

I work in Hollywood and nothing suprises me anymore. I have seen tourist actually lay down next to a star on the boulevard to pose for a picture next to their favorite actor/actress’s star. They have NOOOOOO idea what they are putting their hands on. Ewe…gross if you think of the worst that could happen on a sidewalk and 10 fold it, that
is Hollywood blvd.

I work across from a theater that has people dressed up like cartoon, star wars, Hollywood icon “charters”. Not to long ago 2 were arrested for harassing tourist for money. The police actually did a sting operation on the “charters” (only in Hollywood). I didn’t see it in person but saw pictures on the internet of Elmo being arrested. Fucking Elmo being arrested, hystircal I tell ya.

Today however kind of blew me away.

Took my Mickey D’s walk (McDonalds not actually Mickey Mouse….I specify this because there is charter across the street that has the big Mickey Mouse head and shoes and is dressed as Han Solo…go figure. There is also a small person that wears a “Chucky” mask….shit I’m getting off track in parins…sorry) Ok……

I walk in to MD and there is a mother and a child in front of me…or so I think. The woman is “large and in charge” a good 6ft. maybe 300-400lbs. Now I don’t like to bring up weight because god knows I’ve been there but it has something to do with this story. The “son” is standing behind her, his front is to her back and they are holding hands her palm to the front of his hand. Which I would consider normal for a kid to do to his mother…….

But then…..it kind of scared me….he kind of nibbled on her a little below her shoulder blade. Freaked me out. Then he/she turned their head to the side and it wasn’t a child.

Wait, back up for a sec…I’m saying he/she because when this person turned to the side I had no idea if he/she was male/female so we will go with “him” for practical writing purposes. He was shorter than her which is an understatement. He was probably on a good day, 5’1 and 100lbs soaking wet. I mean, no disrespect but it was like a train wrek….I just couldn’t stop looking at them. Love does come in all forms and I understand this, but what a match.

Not the topper yet….heh. I have to interject one thing….I’m not making fun of anyone because I am starting to feel bad about writing this but it was so insane….mushing forward after that….

When they got up to the counter the woman ordered 6 cheesburgers…..I think her boyfried asked if that was enough. I was trying not to dip into their conversation but it was hard….give me a break. Then she said “Just give me one of everything on the dollar menu”. I have never heard these words uttered in my life. I actually wanted to vomit right then and there. I called Min when I got back to work…and by the way had lost all taste for my double cheeseburger. We counted down the buck menu at Mickey’s.

1) Double cheese of course
2) Chicken sandwhich
3) small fry
4) Some kind of fatita wrap
5) salad
6) 3 cookies
7) some form of yogurt
8) don’t know 8 but I’m pretty damn sure there are 8 items on the buck menu

Now, I’m sorry. I don’t care how big you are but how can you possibly eat that much food. I’m still a little quezy.

This was not to insult anyone. It was just the whole experience of watching it. I know that weird things happen all over but things don’t usually baffle me.

Hell, I’d love it if some guy would let me get big as a house and eat anything that I wanted and still stand behind me in line at a public place and nibble on my back.

Shit….ANYONE….ANYWHERE….nibble on me……PLEASE!!!!

You know what though…..love…..ain’t it grand.

What a fucking crappy day……

Have a hellofalot to talk about tonight. Damn…it’s late too. I’ll try to make it short and sweet. Short, probably not, we can all hope though….sweet never….unless I’m dating you. Not you Min…but if you were male I’d be all over it.

Ok, I’m going to do ONE of Min’s 6 weird things. Is that what it’s called? I’m too tired to check. This is one thing that M and I talked about tonight. Shit…I should just send you an email…..it seems I’m only talking to you.

I know that we all have weird stuff that we do. Mine….even Min said was “really weird.”

I have a strong sense of smell, disturbing at times. I also think…I can’t think anymore.

Lost track.....

Weird thing about me…

Alright…if I like someone…or know someone…or, am attracted to someone… (Wow, this is hard to explain in type) I like to smell their presence. i.e. cologne…perfume….or just them. Not that I’m all up in their face…but just them walking by me or being near me.

Now, if I don’t know you….or I have any inculcation that I don’t like you for some stupid reason in my brain fuck, I will hold my breath when you walk by me.

It’s almost like….I think, that I will breathe in a bad thing. Damn that sounds bad. I’m twirling my pointer finger at my temple….I am officially coo coo…fuck.

And you know what….I’m just weird and I kind of like it. I would rather be me than anyone else in the whole world. I guess we are what we are.

It’s so funny…really, all of it is. We worry and ponder, so much that it really takes up a lot of our time. I can tell you that I am the queen of that.

I think what we have in our life’s is so special.

Hell….if you aren’t being chopped, locked and loaded in a trunk of a car it’s all good. It’s the best of the best, the worst of the worst, or just plain and simple…..today.

This is how my morning went…..sucked…but tomorrow is a new day

Right?

Laundry and my right to say fuck as many times as I want

Hate it….hate it….hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...laundry that is…not the word fuck.

I love having clean clothes but not toting it to the wash-o-mat. It’s hot and sweaty in there even on the coldest day of the year. Not to mention the fact that you are using a washer and dryer that you don’t even KNOW what’s been in there. Ever notice how depressing the laundry mat is? Uh huh. By the way for those of you that have a washer and dryer….I, hate you all. Sorry but true. Just in the land o’ laundry kind of way.

Three scenarios at the fucking laundry mat

1) Couples arguing because the man doesn’t want to be there and the woman made him go because she thinks it’s not fair or feels like a maid doing it by herself.

2) The woman is there alone and the man is at home and you know he’s got a fucking beer in his fucking hand and he’s watching some form of fucking sport while she’s slaving away and yelling at her children washing his dirty boxers (I can’t even think of doing that and washing tightie whities…spousal abuse is what that is).

3) The lonely person like me….well not lonely but alone.

And after what I just described I guess I’m the luckiest in the 3. (I use to be #1 then slowly moved to #3 cause I was tired of fighting)

To top it all off!!!! There was a person there doing laundry that was driving a Hummer! Now what the FUCK are you doing going to a laundry mat in that kind of car. Don’t those things have a fucking W/D in the back or something???? They’re fucking big enough. If you can afford that shit you can afford a W/D right? Guess not in LA.

Ok…I admit. I waited too long to do my laundry. It was about 3 weeks worth with a small wash in there for good measure. I was determined to do it tonight and I did. My fault…I know. Once a week….yeah….yeah…yeah….whatever. Oh sorry, fucking whatever.

However, I do not understand even if I had a small amount of laundry and wasn’t in such a fowl fucking mood why men think that FIRST of all doing this…..

”Birdie” sound that is so popular here to attract a woman’s attention…kind of like a fast whistling sound… Now is that appropriate when I’m carrying a ton of laundry into the washing placey, thingamajiggy. Sorry getting tired of typing laundry….but not fuck. I mean two guys were like “hey baby…you’re looking sexy”…excuse me? …. Hello???? I’m sorry you little shit you are so attractive and those were such nice comments that I think I will just drop my laundry right here in the parking lot and go with you to an unknown destination never to be heard from again. WTF? Now, do ANY men out there think that this turns a woman on or makes her want to….ummm….date….ummmm…say “hold on while I write my number down you PIG”…..I’m speechless. It baffles me.

Wait if it gets me out of doing laundry….interesting….didn’t think about that at the time…..

I can actually see the head lines….

“Woman disappears while doing laundry……”

Little do the reporters or detectives know that I ran away with some guy I met in the wash-o-mat parking lot and I am currently washing his tightie whities on a rock somewhere in the desert…..fuck…..

4) “Oye como va mi ritmo bueno pa grosar muata”

On a brighter note....Please cheat people. We all know this song....GOOGLE!!! I know it's cheating but it's a good old classic....A cross over into pop culture. Is that right? Pop culture? dunno.....I'm tired. Very famous band by the way.

ugh...tired....

The ex…

Oh how I hate him. I don’t use that word often. He invokes feelings in me that are the black devil of my being. I seethe….I turn into someone I don’t know.

He was here tonight. Can you tell? He wanted to talk. He doesn’t do that well. He speaks over, above, around and changes the subject when he knows he’s at fault.

Mother fucking son of a bitch…God DAMN MOTHER FUCKER!

I’ve never given so much to one person and have them just shit all over me. He said tonight that he never saw any love in my eyes. That’s all I did was love him. I think that he hated me for it. If that makes any sense.

I have been called every name in the book by him. He doesn’t think that he says anything wrong. Let’s recap the names tonight…

1) Called me cunt 3 times
2) Fucking bitch 2 times
3) Fucking looser 2 times

I just want to SCREAM!!!! I want to scream for the fact that he doesn’t think this is wrong.

I guess, I thought….no….I didn’t know he was like this in the beginning. It didn’t start showing until around the 2nd or 3rd year. The anger….the insults…the abuse. Now I’ve always said it wasn’t that bad. I’m not like the women that are almost beaten to death but he did a number on me, verbal as well as physical. I don’t think that there are a lot of women that were head butted by their boyfriend. It kind of hurts by the way.

I don’t even want to post this but I have to. I want to see in black and white what exactly I’ve done because I’m the person at blame. I could have walked away long ago….but I didn’t. I guess we do live and learn.

He always said it was my fault. He’s right. I didn’t walk away.

This is fun James!

A friend said

Step 1: Put your MP3 player or whatever on random.
Step 2: Post the first line(s) from the first 30 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 4: Bold out the songs when someone guesses correctly.
Step 5: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING!

Since I am tech stupid and I don’t have an MP3 player, I’m going to old school it…the radio. Remember those? Don’t think I’m going to hit 30 but here are a few. Fortuantly, the radio is agreeing with me and all the songs I truly like.

First line of 10 songs…hehe…..I have some easy ones…and one hard one.

1) “Sometimes I feel I have to run away”
2) “When I was young it seemed that life was so wonderful”
3) “My life is brillant, my love is pure”
4) “Oye como va mi ritmo bueno pa grosar muata”
5) “Hey baby if you’re felling down I know what’s good for you all day”
6) “Every time you go away” (easy)
7) “Pretty woman walking down the street” (please….so easy)
8) “And she was lying in the grass and she could hear the traffic breathing”
9) “Don’t you love her madly, don’t you need her badly”
10) “All around the world statues crumble for me, who knows how long I’ve loved you.

It’s funny….I know all of the words to all of these songs and had no idea who sang half of them. Hummmm….learning experience in blogger land. Go figure.

Ok one more……
Love this song

11) I don’t know where I’m going but I sure know where I’ve been

That song helped me through my break up. Heh

Now I don’t know if I can do the whole bold thing for right guesses. Hell, only 2 people read this shit anyway!

This is how my morning went….

I woke up this morning and there is nothing worse than going to a job that you know you are on the chopping block and to boot I hate it. I will stand up and raise my hand and say “My ass is on the chopping block”…or should that be my head, maybe a little of both.

People spend 9 hours a day some where they don’t want to be. Lately, I’d much rather have bamboo shoots shoved up my fingernails...oh wait, I think that happened on Tuesday...yeah it was that 11am meeting.

My point, I guess, is if you HAVE to do it, why be absolutely fucking miserable? So I have started looking else where. It seems that people actually think that I’m competent. Huh…that’s funny my current employer doesn’t seem to think so. But sure as shit my last 2 bosses, one woman that worked with me for 9 months and the last company I worked for seem to think that I’m a great employee. All of which are trying to help me get a new job. Interesting isn’t it? I’m not the POS that my current employer leads me to believe.

What a crock of shit they all are. I’m not usually like this but the shit has gotten crazy in the office and something is going to snap. I would like to be there to see the drama but I have no more time to waste. I don’t want to wake up and wish the day was already over at 8am in the morning. I don’t want to be around people that just suck every nice thought that you have out of your brain. It’s so amazing to me that people can put on such a pretty face and it’s so ugly underneath. I don’t have that talent…nor do I want it.

Life is to fucking short.

Dear Old Dad….

I talked to my sister tonight. We had a long talk about my father…our…ummm…dad. It’s strange that she has such different thoughts than I do on the subject of not having a father.

A little background might be good huh? My father left my mom, brother, sister and me when I was yet to be born. I would like to say he was a good man…but from the last sentence, I guess you have already assumed that he is not….and you would be right. He is a very self centered, this is me being nice…He’s actually a self centered, asshole, prick that got married 7 times and had 10 children (that he knows about)….feel a little better now…thanks….Ok history lesson over.

My sister said that she was always mad, that any girl that she went to school with or any girl to this day could call up “dear old daddy” and make any hardship she had better. She said that we always had to do it ourselves. She thinks, as I do, that my Mom was the best thing that happened to us and that we wouldn’t be who we are if it wasn’t for her. I agree with her.

I was the one that thought that my dad would come around. Now that’s a fucking funny joke. Up until the time I was 20 I hated his guts. I had contact with him through out the years. I finally gave up and decided it was not longer worth my time. Then one day out of the blue he called me. The same old shit. Dear old Dad loves me and is sorry for what he did. BULLSHIT. I did believe him for about 2 years. Then all contact stopped. He stopped calling me. I would call because I wanted to have a “dad”. He would give me a little contact, when he wanted to every now and then, just like in my childhood. Then…It just stopped again…just like it did when he left my mom.

It’s been 2 years. I haven’t spoken to him. I do realize, in this life I will never know what it’s like to have a father. I don’t know the word “Dad”. Not in the terms most kids use it.

I guess I just have to cut it down. I have a father….he lives some where in Oklahoma and he has a family……

BUT

THANKS DAD, we have a better one!

A dork and the word why

Its funny how I think about myself and its weird how I see other people perceive themselves. I am a dork at heart. I’ve tried my whole life to be the cool kid or the adult that “has it all together”. Ha! That’s a good laugh. That means I never succeeded in either.

I do however; have the small wild child factor. Which I’m not really sure what I mean by that. I guess I’m the dork with tattoos. The wild child of my family, which simply means that my brother and sister have no tattoos and are not poor….and I live my own terms and can tell someone to go fuck off if I choose. Ok…maybe a lil’ black sheep I’ll give myself that much.

I find it bizarre to see people that do think they are cool and do think that they have their shit together but would never admit that they are a dork ….guess they would be called bullshiters, where I come from.

I really wish that I could conform to society. That would make life so simple. Go to work kiss someone’s or many people’s asses for a long extended period of time and get promoted and get raises and move up in the world. See….I wasn’t born with that. I am currently doing it to keep my job. Well….to tell you the truth I’m not doing it that well. The snide remakes still happen occasionally….oops.

I always ask myself this question. Would I rather die poor with self respect or die rich and sold my soul for it? You can probably guess what I would say….looks like poverty is in my future. I do believe that some people can do it and move up in corporate America but I haven’t seen many in my world. My last boss got pushed out after 22 long years of back breaking work and I was there to see 12 years of it. Yup, they wanted him out. He spoke his mind and didn’t kiss ass. He was lucky, he made a deal. He got out and is now living in a better hell.

Starting this blog did one thing for me. I’ve realized that I just can’t say “why” anymore. I wanted to though all of the above but I realized when I almost typed it that it’s not a good word. It’s an opening for something you don’t want to know. “Why this…why that?”

Hold the phones!!!! I just came to an epiphany! “WHY” is a bbbbaaaddd word.

Tell me this….is there any question that you can think of, that starts with why that is
1) A question that is unexplainable
2) A bad question to ask
3) Or even a simple question that makes you question why you did something.

Now I have to ask sample questions to confirm my thinking. Here we go….

1) Why are your keys always in the last place you look? (Of course we all know that it was the last place you looked…hence…k….but there is still that word.)

2) Why did you do this to me? (NEVER a good question to say or hear)

3) Why did I stay up until 2am writing a blog when I know I should be in bed? (Damn)

Think about it. Yeah, like we all don’t have better things to think about.

Breaking news…..

I’m drunk! Hehe! Went out tonight, it was cool. Broke out of the shell I’ve been in for a long time. I had fun.

The breaking news is…..
There is a world out there….amazing….places…..people…..fun....

It almost passed me by.

But Mom…it was an accident

I was talking to a friend tonight and we were talking about childhood memories sparked by an email I read tonight. My friend and I started thinking about the worst thing we did as a child. Not an intentional thing but something accidental. Here is mine.

When I was young we had many “critters”. At the time that my “accident” occurred we had hamsters, Polynesian rats, parakeets and fish tanks 5, 10 and 20 gallon.

My mom was very specific about the birds. “Don’t let them out when I’m not here because if they fly to high in the house you can’t get them” (we were 10, 11 and 13 at the time…me being the 10) we weren’t tall enough to get them back in the cage…but would try….this is the build up people.

My brother and sister were out on sleep overs and I was alone. I opened the bird cage to feed them (which I shouldn’t have done in the first place) and my sister’s parakeet flew out and landed on the curtain rod right behind the 5 and 10 gallon tanks. Man, my mom is a smart woman! I knew she would be pissed if she came home from her date and that bird was out. I took one of the dinning room chairs and moved it towards the curtain rod so I could reach the bird. One of the legs got caught on the shag carpet (yes I’m that old or maybe my mom was just out of date, heh I saved that one). I yanked it a little…boom…right into the 10 gallon tank. I hit it just right. That shit didn’t crack…it put a golf ball sized hole in it. Water…fish….plants rushing on to my mom’s carpet. I just kept screaming “Stop it….Stop it”!” I guess when you’re 10 you think by yelling that you can actually “will” it to stop. You also think when you’re 10 that a Hoover can suck up water. It actually does…it just doesn’t work after that.

I sat at the dinning room table in in front of the evidence waiting for my mom. I knew I was dead, my little tiny little life was over as I knew it. I heard her car….the key in the front door….her heels in the walkway….then she saw me sitting there at 11:30 at night with a broken fish tank and a vacuum cleaner in front of it. She shook her head and said “What happened? I can only assume a bird was out”. I babbled my way through it as only a 10 year old would and it was so amazing that she wasn’t mad. She said “Accidents happen but I’m kind of pissed off about my vacuum.” I had put the fish in a tank that another would have eaten them so we moved them. That was one of the few times in my life that she surprised me. When I think about it now I can’t even imagine what she thought she COULD have come home to. Me, dead because I was trying to vacuum up water with something that was not meant to be used that way. My mom was always the cover up artist…never showed true feelings….I think she was just happy I didn’t electrocute myself. So everything was good.

WOW! Reality TV in my own front yard!

That was amazing! I haven’t watched TV the whole night after that one!!! My landlord and my next door neighbor got into a fight over their rent.

I’ll give you some background….

Next door neighbors:
C…first neighbor….unemployed actor/producer/wanna be director
His brother…ummm…scary…sweet guy, don’t get me wrong…works to support him and his brother. Plays computer games all night….lil’ strange…i.e…wakes up the front neighbor at 3 am, in the wee morn and asked if they wanted a bite of the Snicker’s that he is currently eating….I myself have gotten these wake up calls….him…aka… N.

Now that the above is settled, I guess they were late on rent. I heard a ruckus in my front yard and I thought it was just C on his cell phone. OH NO!!!!!!!!! It was him and my landlord.

I have to interject one thing before I proceed…you rent…hence you pay rent…no excuses. Firm belief for me…anyfuckingway

C proceeded to fight a loosing battle and told landlord that he told his brother to pay it. My landlord said he never got it and it’s the 6th. C still continued to fight and say that he wasn’t to blame, because he asked his brother to pay it and obviously it wasn’t paid. My landlord made a really good point (he is a smart man by the way) He said “You both live here and it’s both your responsibilities”.

Now granted I was eaves dropping but….ummm…it was in my front yard…and they were screaming…so how could I not, right?

The landlord asked N to come out. Oh, sorry forgot one detail, C is evil and N is the innocent party.

Landlord asked N if C asked him to write the check for the rent. N said “No” because we don’t have the money for the rent. C heard that and went BALLISTIC!!!! Screaming like a lunatic! Now how is that smart? Hmmmm……he can kick you out in 3 days if he wants to and C continued to yell at him, lie and blame his brother, to boot? I just don’t get that one and hope I never will. This is one scenario that I will not ask my favorite word, “WHY”??. Well I could….I could say “Why is C such a fucking moron?” But I already know the answer to that one, so it’s pointless.

THE POINT IS….
You rent, you pay…no excuses
If you can’t pay, call and talk to your landlord (my landlord even said that tonight…nice to know…glad my eaves dropping paid off)

I can’t even believe what I heard coming out of C’s mouth
Are you kidding me? He was yelling at his landlord for not paying HIS rent.
It is still quite baffling to me.
They have the power to kick your ass to the curb
And you’re yelling?
Interesting…….

Man I wanted to end that sentence with “Why?”

Do they have methadone for the “Why” word????
Maybe I should join the WHYMCA…

Ok…..

I’ve got the point.

It’s very simple actually. I don’t know why I haven’t come to the realization sooner. Well I guess I have…but ho humm….

We are very plain and simple creatures….non better or non worse. It’s how you choose to be in your life. It’s also how you want other people to perceive you.

Some people live by what their parents want or what the church wants or what is expected of them. This actually blows me away.

We are what we are…some people don’t see it that way. They are blocked into a world that is…them…when it’s not really them, but they are raised to believe that….garbage.

I don’t understand why people are republicans and ONLY republicans
I don’t understand why people are racist
I don’t understand why the world is so bad and it could be so good.

I guess what I’m trying to fucking say is

What’s the fucking problem people?

Can someone tell me?

It’s not that complicated.

It’s just not.

Everyday is ours. We have it. Someday it will all be gone. People don't use it wisely. I know I don't. I'll wake up tomorrow and think again.

Tomorrow...let your hair down...drink your cup of coffee....walk outside and know that it a beautiful day.....doesn't matter if it's raining....too hot...or just shitty.....

Its one more day in your life that you have.
Maybe you can change something today
Maybe you can't.
It doesn't really matter
Appreciate the time.

I think I will….after writing that.

Ok….My friend told me I have to write something “happy” today.

Happy….ummm….let’s see…
Wow…this is going to take me years…

Ok…here we go….

I am happy because…pause….because…ummmm….

I’m cooking sausage and my house now smells like my grandma’s.
k..happy….

I don’t have to put a smiley face….do I?

…I just talked to a friend……. Dating kind of…semi….He doesn’t believe in gay marriage. That’s a deal buster. I liked him until that…oh and that he voted for bush.
Damn…….
He thinks that same sex partners should not have the right to be married. Huh?
Why not? We are all people….right?....Love is love?
WTF?
I don’t’ have many beliefs in my life….but the ones I have, he’s against every one of them.

Hmmm….it might work.......

Was that happy enough? Nah…probably not

You know what?? I do have something to say tonight!

Or I did. I just erased it. You know what? I can come up with a million reasons that I’m good enough….but if he doesn’t like me…all those million reasons don’t mean shit.

It hurts…oh well…didn’t I say that before…..probably.

And to top it all off the time is changing? wtf? Come on...MORE SUNLIGHT?????????

Damn!

Well…

I wish I had something special to say tonight….

I guess I do…

I just got dumped again….

Man, my luck is for shit huh?