Yeah I still got it…

The cooking ability that is. I bought a frozen chicken pot pie yesterday and granted it was good but not quite as good as when I make them myself. I pulled out some of the leftovers from Thanksgiving and bought a few things from the store and presto! Homemade chicken pot pie.

I love to cook but now there isn’t much of a point...hell that pie is probably 20 meals for me.

But it was fun for tonight.

I was thinking though when I was cooking about that saying “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” what kind of fucking stupid bullshit is that?

I’m watching Mr. Holland’s Opus…

Which brings back a painful memory…well not exactly painful but embarrassing. I guess the painful part is that I was in marching band in high school…the embarrassing part is that I failed…yes that’s right I failed marching band….

Maybe because I was a huge hockey fan at the time and listened to the game on a walkman when we were playing at half time….small possibility…or the fact that I lived a mile away from the school and the sound of the band out on the field at 7am use to be my alarm clock…an alarm clock that unfortunately was set about an hour late.

I probably could have passed if I would have been like another girl in my class that never showed up to class or games but still passed. There was a rumor going around that she was sleeping with the teacher. A few years later that rumor was proved to be true.

Hell I’d rather have the F tattooed on my forehead than have sex with that man.

Wow I’m getting all sentimental…next I’ll have to tell the story of the time I got kicked out of biology class for shooting formaldehyde out of a frogs…well…you get the idea.

Ahhhh….high school…how I hated it.

Where is the Valium when you really need it?

Well more than one anyway…after an anxiety attack of apocalyptic proportions today one just didn’t do it for me and that’s all I had.

Give my brain enough time to think and I can drudge up things I did wrong when I was 5. It’s rare that I have these kinds of days but every so often they appear.

I continue to think and rethink things that should be long buried…or things that I can do something about but instead I tend to ponder why and how it happened and worry about them. I really hate it when I get that way.

I’m not going to worry about it anymore…but I sure as shit am calling my doctor tomorrow for something stronger than Valium

Just to be prepared that is.

Wow…there are clouds in California…

It’s uncalled for. Who did that?

And who put that barbed wire up?

The Metro…Damn.

Won’t be throwing myself in front of a train anytime soon.

Ouch…I think I’m starting to get a little to happy on this blog.

hehe

On a brighter note…

Say hello, to my clean kitchen sink.

It’s the small things in life that make me happy.

Do you ever feel so sad you can’t breathe?

So sad you can’t really function.
You look at your feet and wonder where they are going next.
Have you ever fucked up so bad in your life that….well it should have ended long ago…or that it’s just beginning but you don’t know how?

Maybe sleep would tell me…but it only gives me nightmares when it comes.

Now that’s what I call a bag that holds a good burger and fries…

It’s all about gauging grease…the more grease on the bag the better the meal...me being from Texas this theory never fails....unless you're watching your Crisco intake.

Got it from the burger place across from the lando-mat from hell….yes I did laundry. Everyone stand and cheer for me please.

Ok…a quarter of a cheer because I only did a quarter of it…but it’s a start.

I realized it’s time for laundry when the only pants I had left were shorts and it’s 50 degrees outside at 3PM and the sun didn’t even help…not that I’m bitching…believe me after this disgusting summer I have not complaints but I was fucking freezing my ass off...literally.

Now I was going to do laundry on Thanksgiving because I thought it would be empty but not in LALA land. I also thought that this weekend it would be empty due to family and friends being in town…again I was wrong.

I guess I think that if my friends and family all have something to do on the holidays then everyone does. I thought I would have free rein of all the washer and dryers. I tend to forget there are misplaced people like me or people that don’t give a shit about the holidays…which ever…it was a strange day there today.

It was quite a collection of people…me included.

I sat in my car watching the below.

A woman with her 4 teenage daughters, it looked like she was trying to teach them to do laundry. It was painful for me to watch. I’m pretty much a slob and I have no concept of separating colors from whites since I really don’t wear white…but since I worked in retail at one point, when it comes to folding my laundry it has to be exactly the right way. These girls just wanted to get it done and over with…I understand that but good god it was horrible. When their mom turned around they were rolling and stuffing the clothes in the bottom of the hamper. It was like a bad movie…or my ex…same thing in a sense I guess.

There was also an older couple that were waiting for their dryers to finish. They were arguing in a different language but it was so cute. They weren’t really arguing at all…they were discussing in high volume with a tint of love or understanding hidden beneath it. My grandparents use to do that.

This was a good day to do laundry…I can’t promise another, nor do I expect one…but what I saw today was intresting and sweet on so many levels.

Plus the burger was great...heh

Now I have an incentive to go back…maybe.

Yet another thing I was talking to Minn about last night…

I mentioned that I hadn’t heard from DD in awhile…he didn’t even call me yesterday which is weird for him. I can only assume that he has started seeing someone else. Which believe me I feel sorry for who ever she is. However, it doesn’t stop that little weird thing that happens when an ex finds someone new.

Minn said it was the old saying “You don’t want them but you don’t want anyone else to have them.” That was kind of the way I felt.

Well it seems someone wanted to give me a small reminder that could possibly not be the case. I was lying in bed today watching a movie when someone knocked on my door. Thank god my curtains were closed. As I peeked out one of them I saw DD standing at my door. He looked extremely hung over and not too happy…he knocked twice and then walked away…yeah, no way in hell. He came back a few hours later and I didn’t even check the second time to see who it was but I was pretty sure it was him.

I was glad for that small reminder…I don’t however like the way I felt yesterday. After all the shit that I’ve been through with him the last thing I need is to still have any form of those feelings for him. It makes me feel that I’m not moving on as well as I could be.

I’ve gotten a lot better over the last year but I still have some remnants of things I went through with him left in my personality. One reared its ugly head not to long ago and I still feel horrible about it.

I guess it’s all about turning the negatives left into positives.

I think I’ll start with some more cherry pie…sounds like a positive to me.

So Minn and I talked about something more than turkey tonight…

Thank god because I think we’ve all heard enough about that today.

“Can’t Buy Me Love” was on...she always wanted to be Cindy Mancini and it made me start to think who I wanted to be in my teens.

I don’t really think I wanted to be any particular charter in a movie but I think I wanted certain scenarios in movies. The above was and probably always will be a fantasy.

Minn was always bolder than I will ever be…but be fore warned…she’s going to try single handedly to bring back the 80’s.

Be afraid because she can do it.

I’m scared that I might have to call “What Not to Wear” in the near future for her.

Don’t make me do it Minn.

Anyhoo….hope everyone had a brilliant TG day.

I braved the grocery store tonight…again

I had to buy something to eat tomorrow…it being Thanksgiving and all. Wow…it’s craziness out there.

M invited me to her parents house…they are having a get together with family and friends. Unfortunately, I’m not really the social butterfly…I tend to back myself into the nearest corner and stay there.

So I decided to venture out and get myself Thanksgiving dinner…

Here’s what’s on my menu….rotisserie chicken, stuffing, gravy and of course my TJ’s relish.

For the second year in a row I have actually gotten to live through a holiday without turkey….thank god….I hate turkey.

The problem is no pumpkin pie, didn’t want to buy a whole one…that was kind of a bummer… I really wanted some. I think it was a good decision not to buy one…I just talked to my sister and she mentioned warm cherry pie and vanilla ice cream…that I can do.

Now if I’m actually going to get my ass out there tomorrow and buy one is a different fucking story.

It premiered tonight

My sister and my mom on the Dog Whisperer…I actually started crying.

It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen….they were and are wonderful.

However, seeing Sara’s teeth on national television was quite a terrifying experience…especially since she has gone for the gold with me…I have felt those teeth on my thigh.

I’m a little silly over the fact that….I mean….come on…

How many times do you see your family on TV…besides COPS that is…and being from Texas that is an enormous possibility.

Slap me silly and color me purple…they were so perfect.

I am impressed beyond belief.

My family is incredible.

Now I know it’s the holidays…

Nothing like Trader Joe’s cranberry orange relish…it only comes out once a year. Now what the hell I’m going to put it on is quite a different story. I still haven’t come up with that plan yet.

I also know it’s the holidays because it seems to give people the right to become complete asses…didn’t it use to be different? It seems now there is nothing like the holiday cheer to put grimaces on people’s faces and have them attack you with their fucking shopping carts or car horns.

I was trying to pull into TJ's parking lot and I thought that the person coming towards me was going to be nice and let me pull in before them. Silly me…that person connected their hand to their horn and left it there all the way through the parking lot….love ya too….hugs and kisses to the fam…you fucker.

All I wanted was my damn relish…didn’t know I would get beaten up for it…I think a five year old kicked me in the shin when I was trying to get one….it was either her or her father

After that experience…I think that I'll just be having the relish for Thanksgiving…I don’t want to go out there again.

And people think Halloween is scary?

Did someone say Deja Vu?

Well it looked really fucking familiar to me after my landlord left.

Except for the fact that there where two plungers in the sink and a hell of a lot more black water.

He worked for 4 hours…even snaked my pipes from the roof…heh…I only wish he was that attractive.

It seems he’s a lot nicer to me since Vance is gone and he knows it now.

I can’t use DD anymore…his name is Vance…and if someone finds out his name from here then so be it.

Vance was always very indigent to the landlord…for so many reasons…one was he never paid rent, I did…so he felt the need to be the man…uh huh.

There was one time that Vance was in the shower and the sewer started clogging up…it was a waterfall coming over the edge of the shower…it flowed into the bedroom….he knew it…but his explanation was..”I still had shampoo in my hair…I had to rinse it out.” Son of a bitch with water up to his calves…and he chose to rinse his hair.

Who was left to explain…you bet ya…me. I also paid for it.

I know he’s long gone but the lasting repercussions are endless.

I’m still fighting the memory of a maniac.

No one forgets him…I think he always wanted it that way

Oh how I use to love him…with all my heart…

Unfortunately he never had one.

So the land lord finally called me…..

He said he would be over on Monday….that would be last Monday…and of course he never showed.

He left me a message this morning that said (keep in mind he’s got a heavy Greek accent) I vill be over to fix da kitchen sink tumurrow between 12 pm and 2 pm. Pleaze call if you have question.”

Yeah I got a fucking question…“Where the FUCK have you been?

Today was a really fucking annoying day and it started with him….that lead to trying to contact two of my doctors….both unreachable and then continued with one of my insurance companies that I’ve heard yet a different story after the 4th phone call.

It ended with a phone call from my sister that started off well…then ended with her telling me a story about some people she works with harassing her after she tried to defend a co-worker. After we hung up I started thinking about it and the anger in me kicked in. I don’t like people fucking with my family.

Honestly, I know it’s a pipe dream but can’t people be kind anymore?

I mean jeasusfuckingchrist someone got killed over the new Playstation.

What kind of bullshit is that?

One of my favorite movies…

I went to a thrift store on Tuesday…it seems I always want to shop when I’m a little down. I kept it under control though…only spent $2 on the movie.

I can’t say it was the right choice…

nothing like “The Requiem Mass” to raise a girl’s spirits.

Ok…one more…

I’m just so proud of my sister.

Those two dogs would have been long gone if it wasn’t for her.

It’s funny…when my brother came over the other night and we walked into my house…the dogs, as always, were curious...his first question was “Do they bite?”

My response “Nah…they only bite me.”

Guess it was shell shock from Sarah.

It's funny when you don't know where an animal came from or whats its been through. My sister has two of those.

I also have to give her kudos for giving money to her co-workers when there was an animal adoption at her work...I think she paid for 4 dogs adopted that day...and she bought the animals food to boot.

Aaaahhhh that's my sister....oh how I love her.

My sister and my mom are famous….

I LOVE IT!!!!











That's my sister holding hands with Cesar…The Dog Whispererererer…..

How the fuck do you spell that anyway? Whisperer?

November 20th is when it airs. I just called dish network and godfuckingdamnit…I had to pay 14 bucks more just to get that channel. Now I’m up to $99.99 a month…people just make it a clean $100.

What the fuck is that?

It doesn’t matter…I can’t wait to see them on national television!

My sister, mom, Sarah and Sam.

I’m so excited!

Can I use the following anymore in one post?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nope.

Why do I hide my face?

Hell I don’t know. My family has bitched about it for years…there is always a corner or a shoulder that I can hide behind.

Why do I do it? Do I think I’m ugly? Yeah pretty much…

Got a good picture at the right time…

I guess it’s just how much I wanted to kill myself at that second…and it would all be over if I would have done it.

It’s funny…I didn’t kill myself due to a slip….DD walked into the bedroom and he was such a dick that I knew...

He wasn’t worth my life.

I am so fucking excited!!!!!

My brother just called me from the airport. He’s in LA on business. Didn’t even know he had a trip planned. Probably because the last two times he was here our plans fell through due to his schedule. Guess he didn’t want to get my hopes up before he knew what was going on….we’re suppose to go to dinner tomorrow.

I haven’t seen any of my family in almost 2 years….since my grandfather’s funeral.

Since I won’t be going home for the holidays…yet again….it’s pretty fucking incredible that I at least get to see him.

He better not cancel on me this time. I’ll have to kick his ass….he’s 6’3 250 but I know I can take him…I’ve kicked his ass before.

Glad someone can sleep….

I stayed up all night…Passed out about 3pm…eyes wide open at 10pm….fuck. I wish I could say I was doing something fun…heh….but we all know my current dating status….bleak.

Lets see…I cleaned my shower…as good as I could…because that shit is some fucked up piece of work.

I finally broke down and called my land lord. He was actually semi decent to me….he must have been drunk. Said he would be by on Monday to fix my kitchen sink and look at the shower. I can only hope the mouse doesn’t rear its little brown head or he’s a goner.

I found my Netflixs that have been in my car for about 3 months…the movies are already on cable…guess that was a waste of 60 bucks…and my family says I don’t manage my money well….that’ll show um…huh? It doesn’t matter anyway…since the untimely death of my AMEX, that is gone.

It did however feel good to actually do stuff around the house….I won’t say clean…that’s a fucking fowl word to me.

Maybe I’ll do more “stuff” today….Minn says I need to organize….so I think it’s off to Staples…wow….I’m so exciting I can’t stand myself….I might pass out.

What’s next?

Maybe I’ll do laundry….ok…that might be taking things a bit far.

11-11-11

Weldon O Williams

He passed away a couple of years ago. He did however write a book at the tender age of 90. He’s actually on google…man he would be amazed.

I’m very proud to call him my grandfather…for so many reasons.

Happy birthday paw paw.

I’m just so tired…

It’s gotten to the point to where it’s almost impossible for me to sleep. I’ve almost given up. I’m averaging about 3 hours a night at this point and that’s on and off.

I wish I could stop the questions that trail in and out of my mind constantly thoughout the night.

Stop the imagines that roll like a movie.

I think I’m so worried now that I can’t sleep that it makes it almost impossible to.

I have sleeping pills…but 8 hours of loss of control from a pill is something I can’t do. I feel as if somewhere in those 8 hours I might be lost.

I have the gift to wonder and worry way too much for my own good.

I just never thought it would get this bad.

Amex take me away….

I use to love those words.

Well it seems American Express has tired of me…being late on my payments that is. Amex took IT away.

Stated in a letter I opened today….

“As a result of a recent review of your account we are canceling your account, effective immediately.”

I don’t blame them. Hell, I’m probably one of the few people that have (or had) a gold card with a limit. I’m so special. I ride the short bus when it comes to financial situations…especially because I don’t make enough money to support myself…but hey we all have our faults right?

That was just the cherry on the top of my day….man oh man did I have a shit day.

Well it started early this morning with the great computer crash of 2006…I’m on borrowed time with this baby. I’ve got to figure out a way to save all the shit on this computer before its non negotiable.

Today at physical therapy I had a problem holding a 3 lb weight in my right hand. In a room full of people much worse off than me, I almost started crying. I’m use to lifting my weight….almost…I could lift a 100 lb box…and now I can’t grasp a 3 lb weight. That was….well…humanizing…in a really bad way for me today.

After the session was over my PT told me that this was her last week at the hospital and…well….that was it. So next week I start over again with a new person.

Ok…well…awkward silence…didn’t know whether to hug her or slap her. Safe to say I’m not very good with relationships on that level. All the way home…stuck in a traffic jam I thought I should have at least hugged her like women do…but ummm…I figured we haven’t been seeing each other that long so that was out of the question. Heh.

Even though it was a bad day I don’t guess I can bitch to much…at least I have a place to live and my dogs…and a mouse…and mouse censors that don’t work…bad plumbing…bills that I can’t pay…..

I need to stop…the last paragraph started off good…

I’ll start again…at least I have my health….Damn…

I got it! At least Cracker Jack’s still have a prize in the bag.

Not that I liked the one I got…but hey…it made me happy that it was in there.

Ok…so I was a little upset last night…

I was crude…even for me but I’m not going to erase my last post. I guess I just get sick of people that aren’t straight with me. I started that post and then got a phone call from the alleged male. Seems that what he said we were going to do on the date changed and he even back tracked and changed the night and place….which is cool, don’t get me wrong, but he basically told me that he was trying to fit me into his weekend. That didn’t really sit well with me….obviously.

I told him we could do it some other time and he said it was all good and that we would have a great time. Ok fine…not like I’m the party girl and have all other kinds of shit to do and he’s a cool guy so why not…Friday it is.

He called me today and left a message canceling all together. Said he had to work this weekend and went into a lot of depth on the situation. When people over explain it means to me that they are lying. It also means that I really don’t trust a hell of a lot of people these days.

He asked me to call him back and let him know that I got the message.

Nah…I think I’m done….but thanks.

Hmmmm…I might have a date…

Not that he’s a stranger, I use to work with him and recently found out after me and DD broke up that he had always had a thing for me…not that the thing was my mind….and believe me I don’t mind. He does however, get and like my sense of humor…and I get his so if I don’t back out at the last second then it might make for a good night.

Hell…it’s not like it’s a real date…I know the guy just wants to fuck me…so why not.

Heh...or I guess that is a real date because I know that any guy who takes out a girl…sex is the first thing on their mind. It’s just in what context they think of the girl.

A good fuck for the night or a good night and I hope she can fuck.

I’m sorry, am I being crude?

Me?...Never

The Pool Cleaner….interesting…

This was in a book a friend showed me to teach high school level students about poetry. Now in my personal opinion…it would be to teach them about sex.

She looks very sad huh?

Does to me….even shower mold is a picture to me.

That’s what I look at when I get in my shower. I scraped it all off tonight it was pretty ugly….I have worse pics but hell I don’t want to make anyone sick tonight.

For being a crip…for so long it felt kind of good to actually do something….

I snaked a sink and scraped a shower….

Damn…if I was a guy…I could make both of those into a hell of a sex story.

16 Candles…

This movie always makes me laugh. It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve seen it….Long Duck Dong…you just can’t get more classic than that.

Not to mention Jake Ryan….now nothing makes a girl sigh more than the mere mention of that name, no matter how old the girl is….if she has seen that movie…Jake is god. Personally these days though I think he could gain a few pounds and get some tattoos.

So I’ve had quite the exciting day…I bought my first snake. Oh how I only wish it was a real one…but alas, it’s just a plumbing snake. I am determined to fix my kitchen sink myself…22ft. of twirling and spinning this fucking thing with basically one hand.

Did it work?...well of course not…don’t be silly…but I’m going to try again tomorrow. One more time and then I guess I’ll have to call the landlord. I fucking hate doing that shit…I’m so tired of hearing his bullshit about how things are so fucked up with this house and how he never had any problems with the tenants before. I don’t think that heroin addicts usually call the land lord to swing by and fix shit…I think that’s why this place IS so fucked up now….but hey that’s just my personal fucking opinion.

Sorry…just a little annoyed with the lost battle of the kitchen sink tonight.

Me and Coal….

That’s M’s dog. He was diagnosed with cancer about a month ago. He’s 3 years old. But you know what? I think this dog will out live us all….heh.

Animals are so amazing…I think he will live forever just to attack the mailman.

Now that’s incentive.

I think I’m a little upset….

Disgust…retribution…amazement…boredom…hate…denial… disbelief.

It seems I feel this way sometimes after physical therapy. Something about someone pushing on me and invading my space. I hate that beyond…fuck…I don’t know.

It’s like a searing in my bones. It takes almost everything in my power not to grab her hand and tell her to stop. But this is suppose to help me…make me feel my right hand again like I should. My mom says that I can do it myself and go back to work…for once I’m not taking her advice.

I have lost control and not all at once.

These sessions twice a week have helped me….or at least made me realize things that I had no idea about myself. Today was a good one.

She hooked me up to a thingiemaggiiee…and put sensors on me that were suppose to shock to relax the muscles. Scary…I was fighting the machine. I won….and I didn’t. It’s not really helping me to fight what they are trying to fix….but I haven’t been relaxed in 10 years.

Yeah….yeah… I know…let it go right? Easier said than done….I wish it was…and I know I’m past the worst of it.

I try to keep telling myself that what I went through wasn’t that bad. I’m starting to think differently these days.

Guess there is a difference between physical beating and mental beating. He spoke poetry in the mental. I could never match him in that respect…but the physical is where I think I’m having my problem…every muscle in me is still ready to fight.

He always cornered me. I know that is a sign of a coward. He could have never done that to a man. He felt empowered that he could do to it to me. In the end…after him beating the shit out of me…he had no more power.

When I started fighting back…and found my voice…it killed him….and that came to be the end.

And now it seems I’m fighting a ghost….or my own demons…as we all do.

Maybe I should consider Yoga….

Calm….ohhh and ahhhh….I can honestly say that if the word “Relax” came out of an instructor’s mouth….

Hell….I’d probably beat them to a pulp.

Ok so maybe Yoga is not the best option at this point.

Brownie has left the building….

Haven’t seen him in the house for 2 days but I have seen him outside run across my stairs as I walk out. I feel kind of bad…but I was here first.

The mouse sensors pushed him out, but hell...I almost ripped all of them down because I can hear them….well not exactly hear them...but feel them I guess. Kind of a thundering in my inner ear that makes them ache...but it’s getting better. Damn….I lived through heavy metal in the 80’s, I thought I’d be deaf by now…or maybe that’s why I can hear it….like a low...constant...bass tone.

That has gotten better...but the nightmares last night are quite a different story.

Wow…I haven’t been spooked in a couple of years…especially on Halloween…but I got spooked at around midnight.

My dogs were snoring up a storm and I sat up in bed like someone touched my shoulder…not in a good way. In the realm between sleep and awake I jumped up and closed the back door, checked all the windows and stood in the kitchen for a second just to see if I thought anyone was there.

I hate when I get the creeps….because god knows I’ve know too many...

But I really don’t need a dead one waking me up on Halloween.