Hustler.....

enough said....

I...

tap my finger on the keyboard….wondering what to write…

I realize…its all bullshit.

Life is who you are…not what you think you should be.

I can’t wait to wear my Betty Boop shoes out someday…

I bought them a few months ago with M and I have yet to wear them.

But the shoes…1940s spin off…I love them.

The shoes are a classic remake but some shit coming back now makes me want to burn polo’s in the street.

I can’t believe that I’ve seen guys here with the Izod and Polo shirts on with the collar turned up. It was bad enough in the 80’s as well as the girls jeans with the tight legged ankles. Minnn told me leggings were back…dig my grave now.

Honestly, do designers have to keep vomiting up the worst of the past and not the more glamorous?

Also the 70’s rock has seemed to be revived here. Guys with long hair and beards….and then on the other corner guys in convertibles with the ‘80’s look…spiked long hair listening to old Guns and Roses…posers basically…I tend to like both. But the preppy shit needs to die…really soon….wow I just went back to high school…and yea…all preps must die. I still live by that rule.

It’s so important here to have the finest of the finest…hell, it was that way in Dallas as well.

I’ve never understood it…never will…but do I really give a fuck? Nah…not really.

He was 37 days sober today….

So he decided to go out and celebrate…DD that is. He called me at work today from a bar….ahh such his classic style. It took me 10 minutes to pry it out of him. He said towards the end of an AA meeting he had enough, picked up his shit walked out and to the nearest liquor store….then to the nearest bar.

He wanted to talk to me about what he discovered in his 37 days of sobriety…but he wanted to tell me when he was drunk and I was at work…again his style.

He proceeded to tell me that he couldn’t believe that he wasted almost 10 years of his life on us and that he’s finally realized that we are done. How he has to clean up his life and that he’s trying. How he always disappoints people but he doesn’t like to be told what to do so he thinks that the reason.

He still doesn’t realize that I was there too…that I went through this too. It is…and always will be about him.

I so wanted this to end with us being able to talk to each other but the man becomes a mute unless he has a few beers down him. The more he talks and emotions start to come out the more he drinks and then he gets ugly. I really thought he would do it this time.

Jesusfuckingchrist when will I learn.

And the depression sets in…

I went from a brilliant day to a panic stricken one. I haven’t had one of these days for quite sometime. I use to call them “death days”. These are the days that I try and sleep but impeding death keeps coming to my mind. When I try and sleep as I’m starting to go out, I panic. I think that if I fall asleep I won’t wake up which makes the panic bad enough to make me physically ill.

I really hate it sometimes that I live on the darker side of life…but then again I wouldn’t be who I am if I didn’t.

I’ve always been this way…I can’t remember a time I wasn’t. As a kid, when I finally got my own room at around 11 I rarely left it….it was my sanctuary and I haven’t changed much from then.

My house has now become that, I love being alone. I do find that too much seclusion leads to days like this. To much time to think and wonder what the hell I’ve done with my life. In my mind long ago I thought I would have a house of my own maybe married with 2.5 children. I now know these things are probably not in my future.

Its funny how you think your life is going to be and how it actually turns out. I’m not really sure I would have wanted it how I imagined because how I thought it would be is very vague….so, if things turned out how I thought I could be old, fat with 2 brats that didn’t appreciate me, living in a trailer park somewhere in Texas with a husband that left me for a local truck stop waitress….yea…I think I’m happy with what I got.

Hmmm…I feel better now…doesn’t hurt that I’m watching “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” this movie always cheers me up.

I love the part where everything is eatable….the chocolate waterfall….

Now that’s a world worth dreaming about.

This is how my morning started....

I woke up to this….get the fuck up and feed me or I will stare you to death…or look really cute in the process...and annoying as well...but it made for a great picture.

After her waking me up from a Vicodin slumber that has lasted for a few days, I was ready to…buy something…sparkly. Do love the sparkles…anything shiny attracts my attention….from the cheapest glitter to the highest….nah…I like the cheap glitter shit…high priced shit is over rated. Little glitter in a thrift store and a bottle of wine, carton of smokes and a few purses seem to make me feel good.

And I did exactly that.

I also met up with a semi-homeless woman and her dogs. She was really sweet. I stopped and talked to her outside of the gas station when I was waiting for the car wash. Margarite was her name…not sure how to spell it. Her dog’s names were Princess and Mutley. Mutley looks a lot like my Ripley.

After Margarite left…buy the way she was told to leave because a customer complained that she was begging…I talked to her for 20 minutes…she didn’t ask one person for money when we were talking. I don’t understand that, but then again I don’t understand a lot of things.

I went back to my car and pulled into the carwash line. This guy walked by and said “What are you doing?” Then he walked back around the building. He walked back to my car and said “There is shade over here…don’t sit in your car and bake.”

Nice guy…and his friend as well. We sat in the shade in front of Chevron and talked. For me being such a recluse I sure met a lot of people today. I guess I just like listening to peoples stories….

Then the carwash…I so wish they had the one with the swirleys thingy magiggies…no longer...all robotic now…ah well…still fun.

I had a good day…I love it when that happens.

Is it wrong to have sex before a guy buys you lunch?

Interesting question…one I’ve never encountered before but one that was brought up in a phone conversation tonight.

Would I? Sure if I felt like it. Lunch?...later if need be.

Is this where a girl becomes a slut? Is it called slut or just a female liking sex or wanting sex?

I’ve always felt the male and female roles were….well…just really fucking stupid. Men are proud for all the women they have fucked and women are whores for all the men they have been with.

The only problem is no matter how much women say that a guy they have slept with doesn’t matter…it does…or it was a really fucking bad mistake. I’m not sure there is a gray in our world.

I guess I don’t think any woman is a slut because there is some form of connection she has to that person….I could be so wrong about that one but…

I guess everyone wants something…it’s just to the degree of feeling….

I forgot how annoying the world can be sometimes...

Ran out of dog food so I knew I had to go to the store today. Dogs had pepperoni sandwiches this morning for breakfast...not the best for their health but they seemed to like them.

I got yet another fucking parking ticket because I forgot to move my car this morning. I still haven't paid the other one in fact it doubled. Yea, yea....my own fault...but I....ummm...forgot about it.

Got to the grocery store put a bottle of wine in my carry basket and then to the pharmacy to get prescriptions filled for next weekend. The looming MRI that will now take 1½ hours instead of 20 mins. I shall need a hell of a lot of Valium for that and Ambien afterwards.

I set my basket on the counter and gave the pharmacist my prescriptions. She looked at prescription, then at me and then at the bottle of wine in my basket and said, not very nicely I might add..."I hope that wine isn't for you, you can't drink with these medications." I looked at her and thought thanks lady you just ruined my thoughts of impending suicide tonight. "No there for an MRI next weekend."I said. She started looking at the prescription and then started babbling something about no date being on the prescription. She called the Doctors office but they were closed. She said "Honey, I can't fill these until I get the ok from your doctor because he didn't date the prescription and the Ambien is too high a dosage for you." Well thank you I didn't know that you had become my Dr. I'm not sure I believed her about the date and I don't really care, I just don't like being talked to like a 5 year old when my doctor gave me these for a purpose. I told her it was fine I don't need them today. She said "Well, sugar you come back on Monday, I work a 12 hour shift and I will call your doctor and get them for you." I walked away mentally shooting her the finger.

I was really looking forward to a Valium tonight that idea was instantly canned. Thanks again lady.

When leaving the store I was confronted with 3 guys outside petitioning. As I walked by one of them he said to me "Help us stop the start of World War III." I turned long enough to say "Hasn't it already started?"

I just don't like being harassed all the time when I go somewhere in this town. Especially outside stores. Someone is always asking for or selling something. Even standing on the street at work smoking. People will ask me for an extra smoke when, by the look of them, they have a hell of a lot more money than I do. Go buy your own. I've actually had a guy ask me for a smoke and when I told him the only one I had was the one I was smoking he asked for a drag off it. I looked at him with a blank stare of incomprehension.

He eventually walked away.

Is there really is a light at the end of the tunnel…

Heh….who fucking knows…and do I care at this point? Nah...Not really…always loved that tunnel.

This is where life grabs me by the collar….”Listen up India…People, lie, cheat, steal and manipulate…

It just shouldn’t be this way..

I’m so fucking honest it’s stupid.

Why does it have to be give and take?

Isn’t it just being?

No...it's not...

People don't want you to be happy in your own skin...

Shall we talk about food?

Taco Bell…It’s brought me through so many hard times in my life…hard times meaning some ugly hangovers. Plus their signature saying would have to bring some form of sex to mind. Ya got to love that. Taco Bell is the comfort food of a mis-placed Texan in the middle of some really shitty food out here. There is no good Mexican food here…none…nada…nothing….believe me.

I can do sushi…I actually like it, not the raw, cooked only. However, I think the thing I like most about it is the soy sauce and the wasabi…because I am a condiments kind of girl. Ok…the sake doesn’t hurt….and Sapporo…

I would fly to Texas any day to get a Whataburger over any cheeseburger here.

Hate Ethiopian food…never knew there were restaurants that served it, especially since they don’t have it in Ethiopia…it seems….only in LA.

There’s a lot of bread and veggies here…brochette…fancy name for toast with some tomatoes thrown on top. I can fucking do that at home…but do I really want it? No. I will also say no to tartar…a sleek word…that means raw. Just tell me the fucking shit is raw, don’t make me vomit over the misconception.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be healthy. I love seafood…that’s healthy but can I afford it. It’s so much easier to eat cheap and eat crap…and I must say, most of the time it tastes so much better.

My grandmother and grandfather lived long lives eating what they were raised on. All the shit that Dr’s. say is so bad for us. Bacon sandwiches roast and potatoes, fried chicken, fried okra…everything fried to me is good. Guess it depends on your body’s build.

Guess I’m old Bible belt. I’ll take my grandmother’s fried chicken, mashed potatoes with country gravy and biscuits over living a year longer. If she was still alive and I could have it again…one night with her…I’d give 10 years of my life to sit and talk to her one more time.

I still can’t perfect her fried chicken, or the biscuits but I can do her country gravy….and her pie crust… she taught me well.

Now I want biscuits and sausage gravy…maybe a little boiled coffee and some toast with homemade jam...

Me, swinging my legs from a chair to high for me, in a white nightgown sitting across from my grandma…

5 in the morning, dark outside and her telling me about her life.

Oh how I miss her.

Paris Hilton has a CD?

I'm...ummmm...speachless...what is the world coming to?

I have lost all faith in the music industry.

Tick tock….tick tock….

I’m getting ready to throw my fucking clock across the room. Passed out early yesterday and then woke up at around 10pm. I was up for the rest of the night. In and out of sleep…keeping the beat of the clock with my feet…left…right…tick…tock.

I’m a little delirious at this point and watching the Flavor of Love. Honestly, this show is the biggest fucking train wreck, but I just have to watch to see what’s going to happen next. I mean where did these girls come from…and they want Flav? Some things are too complicated for the human mind to grasp.

This show could give me some serious nightmares….I think I’m already scarred for life.

So…hmm...what do I have to say today…

I failed. The MRI that is. We won’t go into the other things I’ve failed at…one failure at a time, please.

M took me yesterday. I was ready for the worst. “I can do this” I thought “No problem”. Just like Minn told me “Barbie says you’re braver than you think you are”. Fuck Barbie.

I couldn’t do it…sad to think that a plastic doll is stronger than me.

I absolutely… positively…freaked out. I am a very soft spoken person…corner me and I will scream. I screamed. When I walked back to the waiting room I said to M “I couldn’t do it.” M said “Were you the one screaming?” Yup…that would be me.

“Can’t do this, can’t do this…let me out, let me out...LET ME OUT!!!!!” Didn’t know I was screaming…it was not a conscience thought by the way….just started screaming …broke out in a sweat, face turned many colors of red and after he pulled me out of the depths of hell my whole body was shaking. He said “I haven’t had one of you for a while. I’ve been doing this for 22 years and I know you’re going to need Valium for this.” I can do Valium…the one pill I like.

Now I just feel weak….I couldn’t do it. I’m such a fucking pansy ass.

I can fix cars…support people that shouldn’t be supported …I do things that normal girls wouldn’t do. But I can’t take this? How fucked up is that shit.

I’ve never felt terror like that in my life. Pain I accept…terror…not so much.

So it seems I can do something right.

Took this picture of my neighbor’s dog….Corbin…he’s a sweetie.

Haven’t been much for writing lately…

My mind seems to be all over the place. I guess I’ve had too much time to think over the last few days. Not that I don’t like my space and time to look at things, but this is different.

I usually dream in black and white or not at all. Day dreams were always very vivid. Both my common have now stopped. Now at night it’s very colorful and clear and only half dreams because I don’t quite sleep anymore… and my mind is too scattered for daydreams.

Daydreams are my favorite…I can make anything happen in them…everything is mine…even the most unattainable.

Text message received…..

8/17/2006
“I want u”
(02:21:42 AM)

From the elusive boy I spoke of not to long ago.

Now instead of a booty call was that a booty text?

Hmmm…interesting…..

My house is wreck….

And I don’t really care….

This is how my day went….

Woke up late as usual, only due to the fact that I was puking my guts up last night…10 Advil a day has started to get the best of me and mixed with wine…well it wasn’t a good mix, obviously.

Went to the new doc today, nice guy…still an MRI looming in my future but hey, he gave me prescriptions for various drugs. Offered me Cortisone shot which I politely declined…needles, no. He did however say that it would probably come down to that. I do love the fact at the end he said “At least you don’t have cancer.”

Leaving his office there was a fruit cart. I’m not sure they have these in many cities. Cooled cart and they chop fresh fruit and add lime, salt and chili powder. It’s the most amazing taste. That’s my idea of being healthy….that and double cream brie cheese, which is what I had for dinner. I’m getting all fancy in my house of ruin.

My friend M called tonight seems a naked dead woman’s body was found 2 streets down from her. Hillside stranglers dumped the bodies of their victims in that area. She watched the news and it seems the blood trail lead to a Fire Captain’s house….interesting.

There is also something crawling around the outside of my house. Don’t know if it’s a cat, a rat or Donnie Darko’s evil bunny but it’s starting to creep me out a bit.

Last but not least…I was watching the news which I rarely do, just wanted to hear about the Fire Captain but in later news it seems the leader of a huge drug cartel was arrested this weekend. The “Felix drug ring” makes me wonder if dear old dad was involved…Father…what have you done….

Kidding…he’s not that exciting, as I’ve said before he’s just a dick. I know for a couple of people out there that want to know their biological parents, especially due to health history, I feel bad when I say shit like that about my father, but on the other end, most of the time...well all of the time, I wish I didn’t know him...of him...or about him. But at least I got to decide for myself that he's someone I don't want in my life, something ya’ll were never given the chance to decide, so I apologize. With that said I will continue to call my father a dick when the feeling strikes me.

Anyhoo….this is why I don’t watch the news it brings up too many black thoughts for me.

I prefer my own chocolate covered world…and if I can imagine a perfect cherry on the top...all the better.

M told me this joke tonight….

Pinocchio had a problem with his human girlfriend….

They went to the doctor because she was getting splinters in the cooch area. The Doctor said “Try sanding it down before you have sex.”

A month later the Dr. ran into P on the street and asked how things were going with his girlfriend. P said “Who needs a girlfriend.”

I understand the sanding down...but...

Was it the nose or the wood?

We all know that P’s nose grew when he lied…hence my question.

Tomorrow….have to go to a specialist….

I said I wouldn’t bitch about this anymore, but I don’t consider this bitching…it’s more fear than anything else. I went to my dr. about my shoulder and he referred me to an orthopedic surgeon.

When I was young one of my Aunts died of cancer. I was pretty young and knew the word cancer but wasn’t explained the whole story. I do know that it started in her arm in some form. I know I’m being silly…my mind tends to go to dark places when something is wrong with me that I don’t understand.

Also, my dr. pretty much guaranteed that I would probably have to have an MRI. Small confined spaces are not so good for me. I get weird when I’m in a crowded elevator…much less a tube. My brother said he freaked out when he had one and he’s the strongest person I know.

Granted at this point I’ll probably do anything to regain full use of my right arm and stop the pain but I’m still a little freaked out.

I just don’t know how I could have fucked my shoulder up this badly. The only thing that I can think is I was so use to being fat and had that girth, it was easy to carry heavy object because I could always rest it on some form of fat hanging some where on my body. I no longer have that option but still think I can do it. Plus the retarded mind frame that I can do anything by myself….I don’t need any help. I have to realize that I can’t move something that’s double my body weight…well…I can try…and maybe I can….but I think that’s what got me into this fix in the first place.

Ok…bitch…bitch…moan…moan…moan…..I use to be famous for it now it makes me queasy when I do it.

Subject switch….

I watching TV and the girl was trying on cowboy boots…ahhhh…makes me miss home and the fact that I can’t wait till it gets cold again so I can proceed in wearing mine.

You can take the girl out of Texas but you can’t take my fucking cowboy boots out of my wardrobe….

Why is the unattainable so attractive?

I have never been the game player. Don’t really understand it. I have been told what to do by friends. “Don’t call him, let him call you….never tell him you like him….if you see him in a club and you really like him, ignore him….never be available….if he calls let your voicemail get it.”

Well….then….how is anything suppose to happen?

I do realize that it’s true. The more available you are the more men just really don’t want to see you. However, when you have other things to do it seems they all the sudden have an interest.

To me I think it means they really don’t like you in the first place, but if they see your interest going in a direction other than theirs…then they think…”wait a minute…”

I guess I’m a little disillusioned with the whole concept of boy meets girl…

Then again….I’m disillusioned with a lot of shit these days.

I tend to forget how quiet it is here…..

During the week…in the middle of the day…I’m not much for the days….I’ve always been a creature of the night...but I do find solace sometimes in a quiet day.

Where did I go this weekend….

I have to say…I love my friends...they were worried about me because I was MIA for a day and a night…one came looking for me. I felt really bad this morning when I found out.

I’m a creature of habit. I rarely fall out of step from my routine and with a psychotic ex always looming in the background whether he be drunk or sober I can see why my friends would worry if they don’t hear from me.

Minn called M because she hadn’t heard from me. M lives close so her and D came over, just to make sure I was ok. Luckily, my next door neighbor who I had hung out with for the day and most of the night was up. They walked by his house and he was in the doorway and they stopped and asked if I was ok. He said yes and that I was asleep.

People still surprise me. I know that I would do what my friends did for me. I’m just still amazed that someone took the time to worry about me…when in my mind I was just hanging out with a friend. I sometimes forget about the extenuating circumstances of the ex factor.

Thank you M&M I really appreciate it. I’m sorry I didn’t call. I loose track sometimes, it’s rare, but I do.

Things do get clearer everyday. I kind of forget I'm turning normal...well as normal as I can get.

Sister…

I’ll never know how she puts up with me…but god how I love her. My best friend through life….I am so fucking lucky to have her as a sister.

The question of the day….

Is everyone basically good?

I was talking to M tonight. We were discussing this. She is better than I in this respect. She believes as I use to, that all people are basically good.

I never use to question if someone was good or bad. It really never entered my mind. I got fucked over so many times and was hurt but never looked out for the next because what I saw coming shouldn’t be anything than just a person right?

Wrong. I never knew that people could feed on good. They do. It’s very surprising to me that the old saying is true “give them an inch and they will take a mile”.

Even the years with DD, I swore to everyone that he had a good heart. I was proven wrong on so many occasions. Do I still think that he’s a good person, with a good heart? No. When he figures his shit out maybe…no one could possibly do what he did to me and be classified as a good person. I do hold out hope for him though….

I know that all people are complicated….but hateful, cruel and manipulative….I just don’t understand…and I choose not to care anymore.

I have come to be one of the tainted. I don’t trust people as much anymore, which I thought I would never do.

I’d love to have the graceful heart I use to….maybe I am becoming one of which I speak…

I hope not…

You have something on your face.....

Yea...I know....

Went back to work today…no one has seen me since I got my piercing. The two people that I like most in the office noticed it immediately. Both of which have tattoos, by the way. The “others” well, one noticed when the day was almost over and the other two…not at all. Go figure.

My mother’s advice when I talked about my first tatt was “Don’t get them on any part of your body that shows because when you’re old and wrinkled you won’t want them to show.” I’ve lately thought about that and you know what? When I’m old and wrinkled…I’m not going to give a fuck. So, sorry mom, next tattoo is on my upper arm. Still haven’t told her about my eyebrow…told my sister tonight. Asked her if she thought mom would be mad. She said “yeah, but I don’t think that she’ll be surprised.”

Now it’s not that I do these things on purpose to piss my mom off (well sometimes I did, but we all do right?) it’s just at one point she was so open about things…and as years went by it seems that she stopped accepting and I kept moving.

Never claimed I was moving in the right direction….I’m just still looking for the right off ramp.

Tylenol with codeine….

The Dr. was also a fuck head…I hate it when people make me feel stupid….especially a Dr. I came to you for help you little shit.

There was however a redeeming quality today that I found in people at the pharmacy. With it being packed I was surprised to see how many people let me in front of them.

I guess I was looking a little more worse for wear than I though.

Off to drug myself now…

Fuck…

Well it seems I fucked up my shoulder in a freak boating accident…..heh. not really but I did seriously fuck my shoulder up. It’s hard to type or do much of anything else.

By the way, how much Advil is too much Advil in one day? Damn I wish I had something stronger.

I will post pics of the new piercing when I regain some use of my right arm.

So…what did I do today….hmm…

Nah, dammit, just got my eyebrow pierced. I think I like it…very bizarre having something on my face that I did intentionally.

It didn’t hurt when I had it done but…I can’t lie…it hurts now. I went with M and her husband. They got tattoos. Damn…I’m so jealous. Got the itch…I’ve had it for a few years. I so want another tattoo.

You can hate me for saying this....

Talk of the town today at work…and no offence for what might come.
Mel Gibson is an ass for what he said...we all get that.

My one question about the whole situation is…

Isn’t god supposed to be love? If everyone is so religious and almighty…isn’t it about forgiveness?

That’s what most preach…right?

Guess that’s all bullshit…huh….

So he believes one way…that’s how he believes. I don’t agree with him but I also don’t blame a product of an environment that he can’t seem to over come, or if he really believes it then…so be it. It’s his right.

We are all just fucking people. We just happen to have an individuality that can kill us or make us an angel.

He’s just a person that has different ideas than most of us do. There are a helluvalot of people walking around everyday that do.

Hollywood doesn’t need any more drama than it already has.

I know that people pay for fame…

For him to scream what he did is unacceptable…

It also is unacceptable for Michael Jackson to have children in his home…to have children at all…which he has how many? Two? I don’t see Child Services banging at his door. Well, he’s in Egypt somewhere sooooo…that might be a little difficult.

I do however hear on the news about children….ah fuck…another subject I get to emotionally involved with. This is why I can’t stand this shit….Two righteous don’t make a wrong.

Which is worse…you decide…

Polanski Named in Rape Charge
Originally published in The Washington Post, March 13, 1977

LOS ANGELES, March 12, 1977 — Polish film director Roman Polanski, widower of murdered actress Sharon Tate, was free on bond today on charges of luring a 13-year-old girl to the home of Jack Nicholson under the pretext of photographing her, then drugging and raping her.
Polanski, 43, was arrested by police to Beverly Wilshire Hotel Friday night following the incident Thursday night at Nicholson's Bel Air home.
In addition to the rape charges, Polanski also was booked on suspicion of sodomy, child molestation and furnishing dangerous drugs to a minor. He was released on $2,500 bond pending his arraignment March 18.
Nicholson was reportedly out of town at the time. A spokesman for the district attorney's office told reporters that Polanski recently met the girl's mother and arranged for the girl to pose for some photographs for the French edition of Vogue magazine.

Now….what are we talking about again? Mel, gets a DUI, says some fucked up shit about religion, but old Roman can drug, fuck and sodomize a 13 year old girl and go on to be revered in Hollywood as an icon. Yea…that makes a lot of sense.

Belief is belief…religion is religion…we believe what we believe.

I just find it tiring to hate.

It’s so much fucking work…I just can’t seem to find the time anymore.

Honestly, I’ve said so much fucked up shit in my life I can’t see straight.

I think we all have.

I have successfully…

Whittled down...in my life what means the most to me. I guess it comes with age.

For the very first time, in a long time….I have no fear…not like I use to.

He’s in sober living now and I don’t have to think of the repercussions if he gets fucked up and comes here. I can walk out of my house in the morning and don’t even think about seeing him. I come home at night and don’t even imagine him drunk on my front stoop. As the commercial says…”Priceless”…and believe me…it is.

I’ve been caged for so long. Isolated by him, his fears…there is no word for what he was…or is.

It’s all about me now….which it hasn’t been for a long fucking time.

I’m tired of people walking all over me and me not being able to speak my mind. I’m tired of caring about people and they don’t think twice about me.

I finally found some of my courage.

I saw the most horrifying thing today….

I will start out by saying this...

I don't mind if women have it...flaunt it...please. If you got a nice set of tatas, whether they be fake or real, show um, go for it. Got a great body? Wear the tightest, thinnest thing next to being naked. Because I will stare at you and think, damn I wish I had a body like that.

With that being said...

If your shit is hanging, sagging or you have fat hanging around the top of your jeans like a donut you forgot to eat...cover the shit up. I sure as shit don't want to see it. If you got boobs hanging to your waist, put those things in a bra. Roll um up, tuck them in or tie them together. I don't give a shit what you do but I don't want to see it. Especially through a white, see thru t-shirt.

Yea...the vision just flashed before my eyes again.I just threw up a little bit.

There is a bank in the lobby of our building. A lot of the weird Hollywood types are in and out of our building all day. When I went down to smoke this afternoon a woman, probably in her early 50's was walking out of the bank. I looked up at her face and then my eyes when to her chest. No...please make it go away or should I say them. She had the ball in sock boobs and was wearing a very thin, clingy white shirt that I could see right through. It was like a train wreck, my eyeballs were in shock, they could not look away. The memory of her nipples, that were size of tennis balls, is now forever ingrained in my mind. I think I might vomit again.

Don't people notice this? Don't they think it could make someone physically ill? I did when I was large and in charge...I covered myself from head to toe.

Cover the shit up people.

Being female I personally have never entertained the thought of being with another woman (ok...well maybe Angelina Jolie) I still can't see how any man would think what I saw was attractive.

This is the vainest city in the world and yet I doubt that many people here have mirrors in their homes.

I'm proven correct almost daily.

Just had to tonight…

Cause they are just too damn cute sometimes…..

My girls….gotta love um.

Yeah…I’m from Texas….you got a problem with that?

Minn sent me this shirt. I don’t think that I’ve ever worn it without someone making a derogatory comment because of it. This….really….fucking….irritates me.

I like the shirt. It’s orange, one of my favorite colors, it has the longhorn symbol which I think is classic. I like the fucking shirt, get it people? And being from Texas is a juicy cherry on top.

I don’t need to hear “Oh, are you a Longhorn?” Do I look like a fucking Longhorn? “Oh…are you from Texas?” Yeah, as a matter of fact I am. Even these two statements were said in a belittling manner.

I guess the worse was when I was walking to the store. They were doing construction on the street and there were four workers sitting on a bulldozer. As I was walking by one of the guys yelled “Texas Sucks!” Without breaking my stride I turned, smiled, shot them the finger, and continued walking. They all busted out laughing and one started yelling “It wasn’t us it was him. Come back Cheeka.” Fuck off.

All of this probably has nothing to do with the fact that the Longhorns kicked the Trojans asses in The Rose Bowl game. Not that I’m not a huge fan of football, especially college ball, but I watched that game…Trojans got cocky and Longhorns won. I love it when that shit happens.

At least thinking of that game gives me a little warm...fuzzy...fuck you in my head when I hear the snide comments.

One more thing about something completely unrelated....

I have something to say to two people that have lately brought up “a light illuminating” on their car dashboards. My car heard you…he caught the fever. Yesterday my O2 light came on. (Big O little 2) Which I was told today by a friend means my car doesn’t have enough oxygen. The damn thing sits outside all day and night, how much more oxygen does it need? I know…I know…it’s the exhaust or something that has to do with it. But I’m with Minn…can’t the light tell me if it’s going to explode before I get it to the mechanic? It just pisses me off that all my cars have only known one number when I take them to the shop…$500...and no…it’s not my mechanic…I know them.

Ah well….that’s my Saturday planned out for me. Sitting in my mechanic’s waiting room…with no air conditioning, don’t I pay them enough to at least get a window unit?

Lil’ Roo update:
There he was in my next door neighbor’s yard when I came home from work. I guess I should start feeding him.

What do roosters eat?

What’s my phone number again?

I didn’t know that changing my phone number would be such a fucking pain in the ass. Wasn’t the reason I changed it enough.

I was on the internet last night…about 12am I went to blogger and got the message “this page can not be viewed”. Fuck.

I reboot. Same error message. Since I am now very educated in the testing systems of my DSL I pull the DSL line and connect it straight to the phone jack. Same message. Fuck.

So I called. Now we all know that certain parts of AT&T are not open at night. Tech support is, so after all the fucking recordings I finally got a live person. I was told that AT&T cut it off but tech support didn’t know why and billing was closed. I paid my bill two weeks ago so I knew it wasn’t that. I hate that frustration of something not working and no one could help.

So this morning, when I got to work, I called. I was on the phone for a fucking hour. I went though tech, billing and then open accounts, because that little “cut off” put my email on pause with the threat of loosing it all together….bastards.

I finally found a girl that helped me. She said that when I changed my phone number I was in limbo. I was caught between my old number and my new one. Why they chose to turn off the new one was anybody’s guess…even hers. She even had to search to find someone that could fix it. She said there was no “procedure” for what had happened. Only this would happen to me.

At least with dial up I counted on it never working….DSL just fucks with me when their offices are closed. I really fucking hate that.

Another thing I hate is when someone treats someone else they don’t know like garbage. A woman at the grocery store today was such the witch. Older woman, in one of the zoom…zoom carts that they have in the stores these day. The woman being a bitch was over a bell pepper…one bell pepper (fucking hate bell peppers, by the way). She said it was on sale and the cashier had someone go to check. I was waiting in the next line over and she started yelling at the guy. “I don’t have time for this, do you think I came here to spend the night? Give me my money back. I know it was on sale and I don’t have time for this. Give me my money back!” The man was trying to punch in the codes to get her money to her. She kept say “Give me my money back, I want to leave.” As I was walking out of the store I actually heard the guy lose his cool. “I am trying to give you your money back can you please just give me a second!” I heard the woman mutter another “I just want to go.”

I paused as I walked out, I really wanted to say to the woman “Do you make everyone’s life around you miserable because you’re that miserable?”

Have I bitched enough yet? Yeah, I think so…

By the way Lil’ Roo wasn’t here when I got home tonight….either he found his way home or somebody got really fucking hungry.

And in my neighborhood….I wouldn’t be surprised…