Can they feel the heat of the fire and brimstone from the street?

Or is it the heroin addicts that lived here before me?

I wish I had an answer to this. I really hate being woken up at 7,8, 9am in the morning by a woman carrying a bible.

I have experienced all of these time frames with a vengeance…and believe me my house is as hard to find as the Holy Grail.

What the fuck? How do they find me? Is god trying to tell me something?

Come on…I’m not all that bad.

Hehe...ok maybe a little…but I haven’t grown horns yet.

Thisishowmylaundrywent…

I can say it was a first…nothing….no one…I was standing in the mass of washers and dryers, the last solider standing at 10:30 on a Saturday night.

The left overs from the holidays…a couple of stained Santa pot holders that someone chose to leave behind. Weird and a bit creepy.

I wish I would have had my camera but it couldn’t have captured what it was like. I expected for Jason to walk in at any minute.

Kill…kill…kill…kill….haaa…haaa….haaa…haaa

Vegas…New Year’s Eve….interesting…

I was invited to go to Vegas this weekend by a guy that works in my building. Something about Vegas on New Year’s Eve terrifies me just a bit...I think that I could get into just a little bit of trouble…so that’s not going to happen…plus I don't know him very well and I’m broke.

Not so long ago nothing said New Year’s Eve like going out, getting trashed, puking in some disgusting public restroom going home to pass out and waking up the next morning with my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth and feeling like someone has beaten my head into brick wall…woo hoo….Happy fucking New Year.

I miss one aspect of the holiday…my sister and I use to go to a guys house that she use to date on New Year’s day. His parents called it “The cure your hang-over party.” Bloody Mary’s and Champagne for all and the greasiest most delish food ever. Everyone got trashed in the morning…ate all afternoon…went home and crashed.

Thinking back now I think my sister and I use to get trashed the night before just to be hung for that party.

I actually do kind of wish I had something cool to do but unless something magical happens over the next two days it looks like it’s just me and the dogs which is cool…at least if I’m at home it will keep my ass out of trouble.

It’s rare that I get this way….

Sometimes I get so upset that I can’t even begin to write it all down fast enough or have it make sense when I’m done spewing my guts but I’ll give it a shot.

I’m really fucking sick of people judging me. I’m so fucking angry and upset I’m trying to keep my hands from shaking. People poke and poke at me and I take it but it comes to the point that I am right now. I’m getting ready to fucking crack here.

Some people seem to think that I’m living the high life out here…that I love the dramatics of my life…that I’m a drama queen…that I do things for shock value. They think things are simply cut and dry and I’m continue to do the things I do to make people feel sorry for me or to have something to talk about.

I really do wish it was that simple. The fact of the matter is…it’s not. If I knew I was doing half the shit I was doing I wouldn’t fucking do it.

My heart leads my life…not my head. Is this a bad quality? Yeah…actually it kind of is. Do I wish my brain spoke up a little more often?…absolutely.

I’m a dreamer…I always have been. It comes from childhood. I am nothing like my brother or sister…when we were young we chose different paths. They were popular and attractive…they had friends, girlfriends, boyfriends…parties to go to…prom dates (that didn’t end up being gay…that’s a whole other can of worms). I was the fat ugly girl that had one friend in high school…that was teased and taunted so I found my own world through writing and painting and having animals as my friends…they never judged me.

I have done some really fucking stupid shit in my life…I KNOW THIS! Everyone has…I guess people just like to REMIND me a little more than most.

Do I do things for shock factor…no. Does some of the shit I do make for a good story after…of course it does…am I thinking that at the time I’m doing it…no. Did I live in 9 years of misery with Vance because I would have something to chat to someone about? Have him beat me a belittle me to end up here…damaged goods and hiding out in my house just to have a blog to spew it to the world. Yeah that was my intention all along…I would really be a moron if I planned that shit.

As hard as it is to believe…I loved him…I still do in a weird way. I continue to talk to him…well until recently…because I think that he will finally realize that he doesn’t have to hate the world anymore…that one day he will call me and say “India, you were the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m sorry I fucked you up.” I know now…that day will never come. I kept talking to him because my heart was telling me I should…not for some fucking blog that I tell how many times he called me a cunt or what he did to me this time or that time. To be honest…it still surprises the shit out of me when he does…why? Because I have seen “him”. The boy that never had a childhood. That was beaten and belittled by his father…the boy that was harassed and made fun of…I saw me in his eyes sometimes. He’s hurt….damaged goods….just like me…the only thing is…he doesn’t realize it yet…so the world and everything in it has become his punching bag.

Sometimes you have to look at the shit in your past and deal with it. It’s ugly and I know this well…we all learn from our mistakes right?

So…back to my emotional distress…heh…

I guess my point is…just because I lived though that mess should I never trust again? Start looking at life in a different perspective?

No one knows when someone or something is going to rip your world to shreds. So I should live in a bubble and not trust, not do, not experience life when it’s right in front of me everyday?

That’s not how I’m built.

Everyday is a new experience. Everyday IS a story to tell. That’s the beauty of it.

I have fucked up my world and I’m trying to fix it. I have learned from my past mistakes and I also know I’m going to make a hell of a lot more of them. Now when I’m going to make them remains to be seen.

People seem to think I’m doing this shit on purpose and they make me feel like shit about myself. Yeah that’s right I’m that fucking stupid. Thanks. Jesus Fucking Christ give me a little more credit than that.

I’ve even had someone say I might be doing it subconsciously just for the drama factor. Yeah I got head butted by my ex for the drama factor. That’s it…I knew there was a fucking reason.

After Vance…my life had been a constant up hill battle. I also can only blame him for so long. I am trying to figure out how to pick up all the pieces and glue them back together again and why all this shit happened in the first place.

Should I go to therapy and have some other fucking prick tell me what to do? Nah…I actually like trying to figure out how the pieces of my dark, dramatic, tragic soul fit together….heh…now that a was drama statement if I ever heard one and in all fairness...I can be quite the drama queen…I’m a Leo and Italian what do you expect.

As Popeye once said…”I am what I am and that’s all that I am”.

I just don’t like the fact that people keep trying to tell me I should be something different.

What a fucking christmas....

it's almost 4am and...way past Xmas

I can't even begin to describe what has happened over the last 5 days....

and maybe I don't want to...just yet...heh

The truth hurts…

I know I’ve done a lot of shit in my life that’s wrong.

Seems I wrote a post that hurt someone that I love. Something this person will never forgive me for…and it kills me.

What I write here is the truth with a few white lies to make it humorous but all in all it’s how I feel.

I am different. I don’t want to change this fact about me but it makes it hard for people to understand me.

I know I’ve fucked up and depended on people when they were tired…of me.

The Decade of Darkness was a long road…and I chose it…but it’s over.

But I found out tonight that I am not one of the trusted…I am…in fact the loser of the family…but they have failed to realize that I’ve known this all along.

It hit me in one minute of a one hour phone call that it’s not going to happen.

I’m not moving back.

I wanted to move back to be near my family…fun…see them every week…when they needed something I would be there…go and have lunch with my sister…hang out with my mom…hang out with my brother and his kids.

I find it’s not so simple now.

They don’t want me there.

It’s sad to try and move back to the people that you love…

And there are no open arms…

And I can only blame myself.

You want to give me what?

A couple of months ago Amex snatched my gold card from my grasp for a poor payment record. I deserved it and I don’t deny it…they were justified. The one thing I don’t understand is they cut it off before I paid the $600 balance…which meant Amex went from the top of my “bills I have to pay” list to rock bottom. I couldn’t charge anything on it anyway it was frozen until I paid the balance in full. What I thought was stupidity on their part was they told me they had cancelled my account BEFORE I paid the balance. Lie to me tell me ya love me and after it’s all said and done and paid off…THEN fuck me over.

I received a letter from them today...

“As a previous American Express Card member we value our relationship. As such, we would like to offer you the opportunity to regain Card membership and potentially improve your standing with American Express. You have been selected for a special offer to receive an Optima Card application from American Express if you pay your past-due account balances in full. Your application for a new Optima Card will be approved unless you have filed for bankruptcy, do not make the payment required, or have an existing open account.”

What…do you think you taught me a lesson by telling me to hit the road? Now I’m going to be a good girl and pay my bill on time if you give me a second chance…and a hefty 23.24% APR? I don’t think so.

Amex you broke up with me.

I’ve learned from the past experiences that reconciliations usually aren’t the best idea.

Honestly…what more can a girl ask for…

In one appointment I got pills to stop smoking while not being depressed and a little Xanax just to take the edge off. He didn’t prescribe the smokes, champagne and pizza…that was my idea.

I do love my doctor even though his bedside manner was a little off today. As I was talking about my anxiety (Xanax thank you) and we were discussing why and how I got to this point…somewhere the doctor left the room and the male mind took over.

“Well India, I can see why you feel this way…at your age and single.” I looked at him, tilted my head to the side and said “What?” He said “Believe me there is still time. I’m 52 and my wife is 43 and I married her and she had a two year old.” Me…”What?”

"Yo…doc…I was talking about not having as much money as I want in my 401K and thinking I might be working at McDonald’s when I’m 65 and being a little crazy with my current situation (as I held up my right hand) I didn’t say anything close to what you are talking about.”

He kept going…

“There were times after my first divorce that I felt like you do. It gets better. Believe me you are young and attractive.”

I said “You know you are digging your own grave at this point don’t you?”

He stopped talking and looked at me and said “This is why I never became a therapist.”

“Smart choice Dr. D.” He started again…”But I do understand how women like you feel.”

“Dr. D. I hear the dirt hitting your coffin now.”

“I’m sorry India” He said.

“As well you should be Dr. D…now put a sock in it and write me some prescriptions.” We both laughed.

He is a fucking great doctor and a wonderful person. For the fist time in all the years I’ve been going to him I actually got to give him shit. It was a beautiful thing.

The funny thing is…he really is a therapist. He sees a human not a patient. He talked to me for another 30 minutes about what has gone on and why I’m so anxiety ridden...if I’ve ever thought about suicide. What person hasn’t…whether you are 16 or 60. I was truthful…of course I have…now having the balls to go though with it is quite another story. He said he has been there as well…after his divorce but he said he always knew he could never go though with it. I guess doctors need to get shit off their chest sometimes too which is why I love Dr. D. Even though he’s a doctor he never fails to open up and give his personal perspective though his experiences…whether it be good or bad.

He also sent me away with one of the best complements I’ve ever gotten…

He said “You are one of the most well adjusted depressed people I’ve ever met.”

Hey…I never said I was a supermodel…that to me is a compliment.

The essentials in life are precious…

What girl doesn’t need this?

I went Christmas shopping tonight…for two gifts. One…I have yet to find.

In the mean time I found the purse in the pic above…at a thrift store…the girly girl does rear its ugly head in me every now and again…and it’s pink….damn. But I always have the settling factor of a friend…who sent me the Satan noggin warmer.

Nothing like a huge pink bag plus an I love Satan cap to make any outfit work.

How could I ask for anything more?

A mobile home would be nice.

“My Husband’s Three Wives”

I know that I’ve been talking a lot about movies and stupid TV shows but I go back to work on Thursday so that will soon end…just bear with me.

I may be a wee lonely sometimes but this show…you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

The premise…
Boy meet girl. They get engaged and before they marry boy tells girl he doesn’t ever see himself being monogamous. She figures that he will have an affair at some point in their marriage and thinks she can deal with it. They get married. Oookkkk….everyone has their thing.

The now wife goes on a military thingamageegie and while she’s gone the husband has an affair with another woman and she gets pregnant. The second woman has the baby and the husband decides that he has to tell the first wife and wants to be a part of the baby’s life and the second woman’s life.

The wife said that they were going to buy a duplex...wife and husband on one side…new girl and his son on the other. Well that made sense to me. Wife on one side second girl he could fuck and his son on the other. Think about the travel time saved for the husband.

They ended up just buying one big house in the end. The wife said it took about 4 years for her to get use to the new girl. Since they live in TX it is illegal to have more than one wife so the second girl and the husband had a “soul ceremony”. Now they are labeled wife #1 and Wife #2…oh and have 6 children.

I think it’s always nice to bring children into a situation like that and fuck them up for life.

Well it seems the husband got bored again…go figure. So he ended up hooking up with a friend of wife #1. Now that’s always a smart idea. She ended up moving into the house. As you can imagine there was a little tension between #1, #2 and now soon to be #3. The tension got to be so bad he had to call a ummm….wife meeting.

He said “Either ya’ll figure out a way….it’s up to ya’ll I’m finished…and he walked out of the room. Wife #1 wasn’t doing it. So she booted #3. The woman lost it.

When they interviewed her as she was leaving she said “All I ever wanted was to be a part of this family. And it hurts to know that the person that I’ve been looking for forever I can never be a part of.”

What? WHAT? He has TWO fucking wives. Honey, I hate to break it to you but I find it hard to believe that you’ve been looking for that forever…and if it is true that really fucking sucks.

The guy is a fucking putz but I guess it didn’t really matter. Yeah he’s a fucking ass and he showed it on national television…I did love it when he was looking into the mirror brushing his hair and said “I’d feel vain if I wasn’t so pretty” Woo! Find me a man like that and I’ll be happy for life. What a fucking idiot.

The thing that really got me was the women.

Yeah I’ve been incredibly guilty of hanging on to some fucked up guys in my life that did an enormous amount of fucked of things to me…but really…what happened to these women.

If I was married and a guy even mentioned having another wife I would rip his face off and go after the other woman next. What woman wouldn’t want to do that?

The parting statement from the wife #1 was “I mean how many women can you have in one house before they start killing each other.”

Words to live by sister! I’ll keep that in mind if I ever meet an asshole of such magnitude that he tells me he will never be faithful to me and then marry his sorry ass anyway. I’ll remember that if he gets a second wife and she moves in and he decides to fuck my best friend...it just might be time to move on.

Suddenly I feel extremely happy with my current dating status...very...very... single.

I was thinking tonight…

It’s really bizarre the way I look at men now.

I know that it’s instilled in women to look at men and wonder what their agenda is…hell most women were raised that way. Always taught to beware and question.

I’m finding that after DD I now have something instilled in me that goes far beyond that and it’s starting to mess with my mind a little. I’m not sure I’ll ever to be able to trust another man like I use to. I see almost every man with the potential to be like DD.

Also I wonder if I’ll ever be normal again…well I wasn’t to begin with but I wonder if maybe something in my personality made him the way he was towards me.

Maybe it’s just that I can’t imagine anyone sweet in my life anymore. Joe was the last and I think that I was too young at the time to appreciate it. If he was still alive today I think we probably would have gotten married. That blows me away to think about how different things could have been.

Not that I’m depressed about any of the above…just thinking.

As I’ve said before though…I wouldn’t change any of it. I do think things happen for a reason to a certain extent. I also think things don’t happen for certain reasons.

I do know one thing for certain...I need to stop watching chick flicks…they bring out the sappy girl in me…yuck.

I just found my favorite sweater…

Now how the hell did it end up in a chest in my dining room? I’ve been looking for it.

I love it when I look in a place that I haven’t dove into in a while…hidden treasures in my own house.

Ugh ok…before I write anymore I have to say sorry for the pity party last night. It’s not like I’m bleeding to death on the side of the road or anything…

There are certain aspects of my personality that I have tried to change but some just don’t take. When something upsets me I tend to drudge up every black memory in my life.

At least it doesn’t happen everyday anymore…I’ve cut it down to every blue moon….ok every full moon…ok sometimes I slip….twice a month…

Give me a break…I’m trying.

This post is coming from….

Blue October mixed with Megaton’s blog, an hour phone call with my mom, a dr.’s visit and wanting to call DD.

Honestly…I haven’t been as honest here as I thought I would be. I tend to curb things so people won’t feel sorry for me. DD use to say that when I complained it was to make people feel sorry for me so now I complain in a chatty, funny kind of way.

Now why do I want to call him? This is still a mystery. Almost a decade of him. I know it doesn’t end over night but what he did to me should have ended when he walked out the door.

I also can’t say that I didn’t damage him as well. I also didn’t know what I was dealing with…maybe he didn’t either.

Which brings me to Megaton’s blog…John Candy….or Chris Farley…or John Belushi. Really funny fat men. I don’t know if anyone out there has a concept of what it’s like to grow up fat. I do. It makes you funny. It forms a personality that is different from most. Not that I know any of these men nor do I know their background or their mental state of mind when they died.

I can tell you one thing…being fat for most of a persons life gives some people the ability to make jokes about themselves before anyone else can. It’s very dehumanizing but it makes people like you…they laugh and you make them happy even though they are laughing behind your back. I’m speaking from experience.

I am still the funny fat girl in a thinner image.

When DD left me for someone else 6 years ago…I realized I had a problem with food and sugar. Yes I took him back…get over it.

I also realized that I packed on the pounds to keep him away from me. I wanted to make myself so disgusting that he wouldn’t come near me…I didn’t know that I was doing it. My mental mind fuck…I should have just walked away but fat hides the true being…the hurt and pain….I kept telling myself…just leave.

I can make every excuse in the world why I couldn’t…mental abuse, physical abuse, where do I go, what about the dogs, what about him…

The reason we stayed together for so long and still talk is because we are both fucked up in our own ways…and we understand each others fucked up shit.

And as much as I wanted to call him tonight I didn’t. I guess I was in the mood for some abuse...or a fight. Honestly, people can tell me forever how they feel about my relationship with him but they can’t crawl in my brain and know what I feel or how I think and what actually went on between us

Three sides to every story…his side...mine…and the truth…I look at him and see an amazing person…that he has yet to find.

Enough about that bastard…or not…

At the doctors office today…as I was waiting for her to come into the room I was thinking how I got there. Was it the years of head banging…heh….or was it DD shoving me so hard that I flew and hit head and back to concrete…or the time he head butted me. Maybe it was with my ex-ex and the car wreck we got in.

Now I’m not feeling sorry for myself by any means…but doc said after 3 months of my thumb not moving the way it should there is a good chance that it never will. Nerve damage…WOO HOO let’s break out the champagne.

I can barely write…much less hold charcoal…I have to learn to write and draw all over again. It was fucking hard enough the first time…but at least I still have my right hand.

I guess my point is…I’m incredibly fucked up in so many ways. No ones choice but mine.

Did my father fuck me up…yup…did Joe killing himself fuck me up…definitely
What about the one father figure I did have...one bullet to his temple…again suicide…John. When my grandparents died…I wanted to bury myself with them.

Life and death…growth and perspective…it’s pretty fucking hard.

I think I have figured it out though.

Even the worst of the worst is still better than six feet under.

We all have one shot in this world and even that’s a crap shoot.

No comments on this post please…I’m just venting.

Heart is deceitful above all things…

Holly fucking shit...this has to be the most disturbing movie I have ever seen.

Never in my life have I sat through a film where my eyes failed to blink.

Yeah! I got presents!

Not that I’m a present hungry grinch but it was cool that my next door neighbor brought these over to me. Now I have something to open on Christmas morning. It even gave me incentive to put up my Christmas lights. Nothing says Ho Ho Ho like pink Barbie lights (thanks Minneeee!)

I actually thought about buying a little live tree at Trader Joe’s today…but I didn’t want to purposely kill something for Christmas.

There is one nightmare that has occurred on this festive eve. As I was searching for something to watch I scrolled across …this is painful for me to type…I’m not sure I can type it without my fingers rotting off…“A Clay Aiken Christmas”. I know…I know…why did I ever hit the enter button on my remote. I just had to…I mean how can you not? It’s indescribable…it’s like Christmas on crack.

Oh you have to watch it….if you can get past it making you want to light yourself on fire and run out into the street screaming...its pretty fucking funny.

Did you know that there are two pedals on a car?

One is called the brake pedal. This makes the car stop.
One is called a gas pedal. This makes the car go.

For very gifted drivers there is a clutch but that has nothing to do with this.

Do states include these questions on driver education tests?

I do want to stress however after going to the store tonight…

Press the gas pedal and the car actually moves…amazing!

Not to be bah hum bug or anything but Jimineefuckingchristmas.

I know this time of year a lot of people are on the roads and people that don’t usually drive that much are out. But give me a fucking break.

I had two people speed up…cut in front of me hit their brakes and slow down to a crawl. One woman almost took my bumper off while switching lanes, without her blinker, on her cell phone and fixing her hair in the rear view mirror. Then she hit her brakes at the up coming green light. Green means go right?

When I got to the grocery store I was looking for a parking spot and I saw a car with the reverse lights on. They came on and went off…I started to move on. They came on again and the car started to move…I could see the person wasn’t looking at me but arguing with the other person in the car so I stopped. The car moved out just enough that I couldn’t go around. The brake lights came on…revere lights went off and the car sat there. They were blocking traffic coming into the grocery store while they sat there fighting.

I don’t like to honk at people for the fact that my horn sounds like it’s a bit tone deaf and coming from a wounded Geo. I did anyway. The girl driving and the guy in the passenger seat both turned and glared at me. By now there were 4 cars behind me honking.

Pull back in the fucking parking place and fight. Turn the fucking car off and turn the fucking lights off. Good God people don’t you know relationship fighting etiquette? Parked car…not moving…believe me I know this for a fact.

Thank goodness there were a couple of SUV’s behind me that had a stronger voice than The Monster. They finally pulled out of the space...very...very...slowly.

I have to say though...the paper plates on that brand new Lexus was like sparkling wrapping paper on Christmas morning...I could have ripped right through it.

I hate to do back to back DD posts but this is a classic...

He called and left another message last night about his Christmas party. I got though about 3 seconds of it and hit erase.

As I was driving home today I started feeling bad that I didn’t return his last phone call (don’t ask me why I have yet to figure this out). So beyond my better judgment I called him back just to tell him again that I wasn’t going to go.

I’m sitting here laughing at the sheer thought of what he said.

One of his last comments to try and get me to go to his shin dig was…

“I can’t go to the party without a vagina on my arm.”

He’s such a charmer…no wonder I stayed with him as long as I did.

Talk about a fucking storm last night…

The rain woke me up…I thought a fucking jet was crashing somewhere in my neighborhood. I can’t say I didn’t love it though. It hasn’t rained here in forever…saved my plants from dying. Never had much of a green thumb but I’ve heard water works wonders on them.

DD called me tonight. He wants me to go to his work Christmas party. Hmmm….lets see…as much free booze as he can drink…in a public place…with 10 other people sitting around the table that he can humiliate me in front of. Sorry DD, I can’t, I have plans that night to have bamboo shoots shoved underneath my fingernails… and later I have to throw myself in front of a speeding bus. Even though your offer is tempting…I have to decline.

Not a chance in hell.

What do you get when…

You cross a girl with limited use of her right arm…2 dogs weighting 80lbs each on a walk and a stray cat?

Concrete.

HAHA! Well it’s not so funny now. Why the hell is it that when I fall it’s always face first…literally.

I think my chin got the worst of it and my shoulder and my knee.

Why oh why do I do the things I do?

Don’t answer that! I already know the answer….cause I’m a dork.

You must excuse me now…I have to go put ice on my chin.

Why don’t I pray?

Wow this question came up twice today.

Why don’t I pray…let’s see…

Because God’s got enough shit to think about?

I think that’s it.

Wow God…I wish I had money…god I wish my boyfriend wasn’t an asshole and didn’t beat me, oh god please say I’m not pregnant…God can I please win the lotto…and God please say that Bush isn’t president.

BULLSHIT.

I rarely do this…religion that is.

God to me is the sun shinning….or a full moon…the birds singing…a rainy day…my dogs lying in the sun…a mouse in my house…my car not starting…a smell that I remember…a touch of someone’s hand…a kind word from someone in passing.

God is life and self realization.

Is there a higher power? Absolutely…in my mind. But people depend on this imaginary figure when they can’t depend on themselves.

We all make our own choices. God is too fucking busy to look after all of us. He gives us choices. Now which ones we pick is another subject.

I think that God gave me…on several occasions …3 great choices and one shitty one…heh…of course I took the shitty one.

MY CHOICE…not Gods.

My life is what I’ve made it…nothing more and nothing less.

I’m simply here.

Praying wouldn’t have saved my grandparents. It might have made me feel better if I prayed for them to live…but it wouldn’t make them live one second longer. Praying for my father not to be a dick isn’t going to change the fact that he is and will always be a dick. Praying for everything to happen like Cinderella just isn’t going to happen.

Do things happen for a reason? Is God involved?

No.

We all make our way though this world…and yeah it sucks most of the time.

But when you pray….

Pray you make the right choices.

This is my Christmas tree…

No up keep…no taking it down...no worries about it catching on fire. I can just drive by at night and see it. It's purty in a jacked up kind of way.



My kind of tree.

Young at heart…

I think this saying is true.

Doesn’t really matter how old you are it’s what you want to hang on to that makes you old.

DD came over today. The only reason I let him in was I knew I had to leave in 20 mins. So it would be a short visit.

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this before but DD is 8 years younger than me. Today he looked 10 years older than me. He also looked really sad.

I don’t like seeing that in his face but I can’t contemplate the reasons for it anymore and I just don’t care. I have all the time in the world for everything else but not for him. I realized that I had just wasted another 20 minutes of my life on him...I have lost compassion for him. I never thought that would happen.

Even the dogs have. They were excited to see him for a few seconds. Once I started traveling though the house they started following me.

When I walked back in the kitchen he was sitting there staring into his beer. The dogs didn’t even follow me. They went into the bedroom.

He didn’t crack one bad joke…didn’t insult me…wasn’t pissed…he was just miserable…and I just didn’t care.

For so many years I tried to lift the anger from his life…lift the weight off his shoulders that I thought was crippling him. It was a waste of my time and his. No one can ever tell someone else how to let things go…we all have our issues that no one can fix but ourselves.

It did disturb me when I drove off…watching him walk down the street.

I wish I could help him but he’s mad at life and no one can fix that…I don’t even think he can...honestly I’m tired of being around someone one that feels that way.

Everything we have everyday is so perfect even the shitty parts. Shitty happens perfect just like perfect happens perfect.

I use to watch a show called “Cell Dogs”

It was an on going documentary about a program for convicts to learn to train dogs that would other wise be euthanized. I watched it until it was cancelled but definately learned a few things from the show.

It was pretty much the basics…sit, heal, stay…some tips for dogs that were out of control…but there was one episode that they taught what to do if your dog was choking. Dogs aren’t built like humans, obviously…you actually have to stand up grab them and turn them upside down so their whole body is one long line. That opens up the throat passage and you can actually give them the heimlich.

I tend to babble when I’m interested in a subject and when I watched this show I would recap everything. Annoying huh? But today that little tid bit of information I mentioned saved a dogs life.

My next door neighbor “C” left me a message tonight. He was in the bedroom and he heard one of his dogs making weird noises. He walked into the kitchen and his dog was going into convulsions he was choking. He tried the human heimlich and it didn’t work then he remembered what I had told him about Cell Dogs.

He flipped a 200lb dog upside down and gave him a couple of heave hoes and poof. The convulsions stopped and C lowered the dog to the floor and all the sudden his dog jumped up like he never had in his life and literally pushed C over trying to lick him to death.

C called to thank me tonight…he said he thought that his dog would have died today if it wasn't for what I told him. It made me a little teary eyed…ok a lot teary eyed.

And here all along I thought I just spouted worthless information.

The bus driver yelled at me today….

Only I can manage to get yelled at by the driver while partaking in a scenic ride on public transportation. Maybe he was having a rough day but what a sour puss. No matter…he can kiss my little hinny because I’m getting my car fixed tomorrow.

Yes folks you heard me right!!! So fuck you Mr. Bus driver! Put that in your little money machine and kiss it!! The power that getting my car back has given me is amazing…not like I said anything to him though…but I thought about it…that’s a start.

Enough about the bus driver…asshole…sorry.

I have a very important subject to bring up.

I checked Crush Depth’s blog and granted the insanity of the cold medicine industry is insane…he informed me about it…he filled me in on why my Theraflu wasn’t working. I’m sick…please…sleep…now…nope. What will they do next? Chap Stick that doesn’t moisturize?

This is all beside my point. On Depth’s blog he is shooting the finger. And this would be the way I shoot the finger to someone but I have been questioned on my ability to do this.

Now who the fuck would question how you use your hand to tell someone to fuck off…I’m sure you’ve guessed by now…the one…the only…the now infamous DD.

To prove me right, which I know I am already…just want to see how other people actually flip some one off.

To me….it’s middle finger with the pointer and ring finger acting as balls. Some people do it with just the middle finger and all the other digits tucked under. I think it looks retarded. That’s how DD did it.

Looks like a dick with no balls to me…HAHA…I think I just answered my own question.

One door closes and another door opens…

This is going to last as long as my wine does.

Cause goddamit I’m sick and tired…but in a relatively good mood…

Can you tell? Heh

Got a little cold and the monster is broken down like the beast he is sitting on the curb but still ominous.

I’ve walked six miles in two days with no shoes on and in 8 inches of snow up hill just to get to school. Hehe…no just to get smokes and groceries…and it never rains in California so how the fuck is it going to snow? But the 6 miles is true.

I don’t like it but I can say that it’s humbling. I’ve been here before…and it’s not a fucking surprise that I’m here again.

Yeah I think around and around at night about what I have done wrong…

I’ve done amazing things wrong…but I did them well, most people can’t say that.

Who pays the electricity bill here?

I guess it doesn’t matter…Sasha is quite the heater hog. No wonder I’m freezing my ass off.





If she wasn’t so damn cute I’d boot her out of the way.

I never thought I’d say this but thank god I don’t have a fireplace.

Wow…it just keeps getting better….

From: SFelix
Sent: Thu 11/30/2006 1:05 PM
To: India
Subject: Hey girl
I haven't heard from you lately. Is everything going ok? Is this the right e-mail? Is Vance still around?

Your dad is doing well. I think of you often but have been really busy. Today is a snow day and we are basically snowed in. Let me know how you are doing. I miss talking to you. I hope everything is ok. Love you S.
_____________________________________________________________________

Heh...I have to laugh at that.

SFelix is my fathers 6th wife….or would that be 7th…I lost count about the age of fucking 10.

Now why did she rear her head on this day?

Snowed in….bored and wondered how I was after 3 fucking years…fucking fantastic….tell “Dad” hi.

Anyway…off that black cloud…

The Monster is $459.59. Starter is under the engine…now ain’t that a bitch.

Yeah…I didn’t see that coming but the blinding light of the freight train should have given me a clue.

You know what though….for some reason today I don’t really give a shit.

I can say it could be worse…I could still be together with DD…hehe.

THISISHOWMYNIGHTWENT…

Need I say more?

Nothing like turning the old key on “The Monster” and…click..click…click…

fuck…fuck…FUCK….

I knew it was the starter, as much as I tried to deny it.

AAA guy was really nice…he jump started it for me in the most crowded parking lot in LA at below 1 mile per hour. I thought about jump starting it myself but at my personal weight, I didn’t want to take on a vehicle the size of mine.

Oh how I wish I was the kind of girl that didn’t know shit about cars and knew no other number but 911 and was blonde and had enough boobs to pull it off…but I know I’m lucky that I do….know about cars that is.

Got it home. Tomorrow is a different story. Let’s see if the new triple A guy will be nice enough to jump it and not tow it.

These scenarios have become comical to me.

After half losing my mind over the past and almost losing my mind over the future…hell, I guess I cut even.

Do you have any idea what it’s like to sit in a parking lot and the best friend you have is AAA?

Do you have any idea what it’s like to live with someone that single handedly destroyed your world and you let them?

It’s funny….DD is trying to make himself better but he will never know how his insults and lies still haunt me.

My brother said he was afraid that I would end up on the headline of the morning news. Some times I wish that was true.

This is my life and I have no intentions of changing me. Yeah I fucked up…oh…so many times I can’t count them.

life is too perfect…just a breath away…something might change...just wait a second.